Newsletter Archive Home
Blazing Grace Newsletter, November 2005
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* Sexual Sobriety isn’t Enough
* Why Porn is a Big Deal to Our Wives….
* The Blazing Grace Radio Show
* Prayer Requests
* Oswald’s words
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Sexual Sobriety isn’t Enough
by Mike Genung
It was late fall, 1998. I’d gone on a business trip and binged on porn movies in the hotel rooms, again, albeit without masturbating. Even though I hadn’t had self-sex, the images, filth and shame flowing through me were no less intense.
Despondent over having dipped my heart in raw sewage again, I met with a guy from the 12 step group I’d been going to at the time for lunch, not long after returning home. I told him of my struggle, and, trying to encourage me, he said “at least you didn’t act out,” meaning that, according to the sobriety definition of the group I was still “sober”. For the first time in 8 years of “working the steps,” it hit me that the 12 step program had taken me as far as it could.
One problem was the 12 step program’s definition of sexual sobriety. It started with “no sex with self or other persons other than the married spouse,” which was ok, and then they had a weird statement about “true sobriety meaning progressive victory over lust.” Since “progressive victory” was hard to grab onto, (or really, meaningless) everyone focused on the physical aspect of the definition. The big goal of the group was for everyone to get sober; guys with one year or more of sobriety were revered as if they were a prophet, and newcomers flocked to them for the secrets of how they became sober.
In the early 90’s when I first got involved in the 12 step program, I jumped in with both feet, and accumulated 18 months of sobriety. Now I was one of the chosen ones that the others oohed and aahed over. I started leading meetings and sponsoring others, dispensing my wisdom like Plato. I had become the “Oracle of Freedom from Lust,” or so I thought.
The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines sobriety as “Moderation in or abstinence from consumption of alcoholic liquor or use of drugs.”
Even though I’d abstained from porn, masturbation and sex outside of marriage for a year and a half, there was still this nagging emptiness and loneliness inside that gnawed at me. That spiritual vacuum got the better of me on a business trip to Canada, when I lost my 18 months of sobriety on a phone sex and masturbation binge. Overnight, I was dropped back to the bottom with those who were Not Worthy of the 30 Day Chip.
I bounced back quickly, and stayed sober for another 3 years. With 3 years of sobriety to my name, it felt like the others should have been bowing down to me when I walked in the room. How could I fall again after going so long without acting out?
We moved from Los Angeles to Colorado Springs in 1995. With my support base gone, the ever present vacuum of emptiness intensified into a loud roar. I fell hard, and lost my “sobriety” again on a bender of porn and masturbation. This time, thought, I couldn’t get back up, and slid into a 3 year period of binging, shame and depression.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes (and have seen others do the same) from making sexual abstinence the bulls-eye of the target. I’ve seen guys who were binging on porn call themselves “sober,” just because they didn’t masturbate. I’ve been one of them. This is like an alcoholic saying he’s sober because he was drinking beer instead of whiskey.
Pride over length of “sobriety” is an easy hole to fall into, and I’ve had my share of hitting the bottom. It’s hard to navigate the big gaping, potholes in the road with the air bag of ego in our face.
I often skirted the edge of the cliff, trying to see how much lust I could have without losing my “sobriety.” The truth was that I hadn’t made the commitment to run hard from sexual sin, and was still playing games with it. The sobriety standard I was following actually invited this, with enough loopholes to give an accountant a field day.
Purity and sobriety aren’t the same thing. The American Heritage Dictionary defines purity as:
1. The quality or condition of being pure.
2. Freedom from sin or guilt; innocence; chastity.
Ultimately, we have to look to God for the standard of sexual purity, and the one He set goes far beyond the externals:
"You have heard that it was said, `you shall not commit adultery'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Note that Jesus transitioned from the physical to the spiritual when He set God’s standard for sexual purity. While men focus on the externals, God looks at the heart, for this is where “evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness and slanders” come from (Mathew 15:19.) Jesus left no loopholes when He set The Standard for sexual purity; in the instant we lust in our heart we’ve sinned, or “lost our sobriety.” There’s no “3 second rule,” as some have advocated.
I get emails from guys complaining that I advocate abstinence from masturbation, and can hear it now: “that’s impossible; who can measure up to that??! Who can clean up their heart?” If you’re thinking this you’re on the right track, because God’s standard for sexual purity is impossible, and I believe He intended it that way. Only God can transform a filthy, lust and self absorbed heart into a pure one.
With God’s standard of sexual purity, I’m forced to my knees. The white flag is up, and I have to declare bankruptcy; the battle is over before it starts, and I’m on the losing side. I’m doomed to failure every time I try to live up to God’s standard, as I can’t clean up my heart. This means I have to drop the idea that I have the power inside of me “to be good enough,” and lean hard on God every day if I want to live free from lust. Ezekiel 36:26 says: "Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” I can’t brag about having X number of months or days of “sobriety,” because the freedom from sin I enjoy today is a gift from the Lord.
Finding true sexual purity, which is freedom from lust in the heart, does not come from abstinence. Freedom is found when an empty, starved miserable heart is filled with the love of God. If a man abstains from sin but still has an empty heart, in the end he will go back to lust or some other counterfeit love (as I did). What we’re really after is to have our heart filled with something much more powerful, wonderful, and purer than lust.
In The Pursuit of God, AW Tozer writes:
“For it is not mere words that nourish the soul, but God Himself, and unless and until the hearers find God in personal experience they are not the better for having heard the truth. The Bible is not an end in itself, but a means to bring men to an intimate and satisfying knowledge of God, that they may enter into Him, that they may delight in His presence, may taste and know the inner sweetness of the very God Himself in the core and center of their hearts.”
Once you’ve tasted and known the “inner sweetness of the very God Himself in the core and center of your heart,” you will gain the power to live up to His impossible standard of sexual purity. A heart that’s thriving and pumping with the love of God has no hunger for the pathetic counterfeits like lust. When you make knowing and loving God your goal, you gain sexual purity. But when you make mere abstinence, (or sobriety, as men call it) the goal you’ll continue to fail, because there’s no power in it. The imperative of scripture is not to “be good enough for God to love you,” but to know Him, as Paul wrote in Phillippians 3:8-11:
“More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.”
Righteousness, i.e. a pure heart, comes after we know Christ and have made Him the Lord of our lives. He won’t waste time trying to compete with our other gods, such as lust, work, food, relationships, the pleasures of life – or our pride over something like “sobriety.” We have to make a furious, consistent, no compromise, all-out effort to make Him first, like Paul, who “suffered the loss of all things.”
“It is not mere words that nourish the soul, but God Himself… the Bible is not an end in itself, but a means to bring men to an intimate and satisfying knowledge of God” writes Tozer. I meet a lot of Christian sex addicts who have volumes of Bible stored in their head, done plenty of wonderful ministry, and have never had their souls nourished by Jesus. They’ve not “tasted and known the inner sweetness of the very God Himself in the core and center of their hearts.” They may know the theology of grace, but it’s not touched their heart. They’re just as empty and miserable as I was.
What keeps the Christian sex addict from the joy of God’s presence is an inner sense of shame over his or her existence that they’ve never faced. Once freed from the shackle of lies, they’re free to bask in the love of God, and the obsessions and compulsions to lust fall off.
Making God’s standard of sexual purity does not cancel out the need to stay out of isolation, go to support groups, meet with accountability partners, or cut off the stumbling blocks of temptation (Matthew 5:29-30). 100% of the responsibility to “make no provision for the flesh” lies with us. (Romans 13:14) God isn’t going to trash that porn stash, or turn off the TV or computer for you. Your part in the deal is to run hard from sexual immorality, not skate the edge of the cliff. (1 Corinthians 6:18).
Abstinence from the external acts of sexual sin is ground zero; the beginning, not the end. Freedom from sexual sin in the heart, which is true sobriety, comes after we restore our First Love.
“You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever." Psalms 16:11
“How blessed are those who observe His testimonies, who seek Him with all their heart. They also do no unrighteousness; they walk in His ways.”
Psalms 119:2-3
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Why Porn is a Big Deal to Our Wives
I receive a number of emails from frustrated wives, complaining that their husbands aren’t willing to give up their love affair with pornography because they’re saying stuff like “it’s not a big deal... a lot of guys are doing it.”
The following is from a post by a wife on our forums, showing how her husband’s porn addiction has affected her … and why so many marriages are ending up in divorce because of it:
“My main point of pain right now is knowing that my husband isn't fully committed to me in his heart. It hurts. He always says he loves me and is always willing to do things for me, but I know that I don't have his heart, so it all means very little. I'm just sad and frankly fed up. If we didn't have a small child together I'd already be gone. I know that's not God's best, but it's just how I feel. … the fact that I'm not the one that excites him hurts.”
Adultery of the heart hurts as much as the physical act. If you’re reading this and wondering why you’re wife’s so upset, it’s because you’re driving a knife into her heart every time you turn to porn.
When asked if she had someone to share what she was going through with, she replied:
“No, there are no other women I feel I can share this with. Most of the women I'm friends with are from our church. And theoretically, these are the people I should be able to talk to, but the reality is that in the church there are things we can't share freely, this is one of them.”
Sadly, her comments aren’t rare; in fact I’d say they’re the rule. Our churches should be the first place women go for support and encouragement, but often they’re the last.
We taped a segment this week with Marsha Means, the author of “Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars,” and she told us that it was extremely difficult for her to find a church willing to house a support group for the wives of sex addicts. She told us that one pastor didn’t want to sponsor the group because he didn’t want the church “looking like a hospital.” If this doesn’t make you flaming mad, it should, because the message coming from those churches is “we don’t want to deal with this… we don’t care.” I hope some of you will speak up to the leaders in your churches about the need to deal with the epidemic of porn, before more families are taken out. See porn statistics to understand just how big the problem of porn in the church is.
If you’re a wife needing encouragement, there are a number of women who serve in this ministry by making themselves available to support others. email [at] blazinggrace [dot] org?subject=would%20like%20support%20from%20othere%20women, and I’ll get you plugged in.
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The Blazing Grace Radio Show
We have some great guests lined up for the radio show this month. On November 19 we’ll have Russ Willingham, the author of Breaking Free, and then on November 26 Marsha Means, author of “Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars” joins us. Both shows were taped this week, and they’re awesome. Russ made some powerful points about the struggler with lust trying to fill the God hole in his or her heart with “counterfeit grace.” Marsha had Jayson, Rob and I close to tears one moment, ready to go out and start a revolution in the next. I should have both of these shows up on the website for download by the end of next week. For the first 2 shows of December, we’ll have 2 guys who had their addiction take them to prison.
You can download the broadcasts here.
We’re thinking about holding a conference some time next year here in Colorado Springs, and are seeking God’s face to find out what He’d have us do. I’d like to hear your input on what you’d want to do or focus on at an event like this. We’re thinking it might be 2 days, and we could address a range of issues that would benefit both men and women.
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New Prayer Requests:
“Please pray for John S. He has been struggling with sex addiction along with the side affects of drugs and alcohol for 20 years. He is 36 and accepted Jesus as a youngster but has been in bondage since then. He needs Gods love. Pray God helps and heals him and draws him to Himself, and gives John a new heart. He is suffering so badly that he doesn’t realize what is wrong with him. He lives in confusion and self hatred. I thank God for you. Please pray that God touches John.”
"I am a college sophomore who is struggling with an addiction to homosexual pornography. I am heavily involved with a campus ministry, but behind the facade, my spiritual life is in shambles. A day doesn't go by without me taking a peek at those sites. I have become apathetic to my own faith and walk with God, as well as that of others. Please pray for God's strength in my life, as well as my acceptance of that strength."
Kevin
"I am 52 years young and after years of bad decisions and choices being Single, I made an agreement with God that I would remain celibate until marriage in His will. I tell you, its not easy and I find myself alone quite a bit, but I feel clean, decent and loved by God. I tell Him about my loneliness and I ask Him for His guidance and love and to prepare me and to prepare my future mate for me and for us to work within God's plans until then. I had a very sad childhood, and to this day, getting attention and what I thought was love at any cost was what I needed. But, I don't, I walked away from an abusive brief, relationship because the guy was putting terrible pressure on me for sex. He was abusive, and actually made my life miserable. So, I thank God for rescuing me from that situation and even though I have never been married, being in His presence everyday is what I want. God so loves and I thank you; please pray with me that I will continue to grow stronger in His love.
Toni
"Please pray for my husband and other women. Heavenly Father I surrender my husband and other women into your hands, Because of this women he troubles me. Father have mercy on them, forgive them, they are breaking 2 families, Send your holy sprit upon them and transform them, break their friendship. If I ask him anything about this woman, he gets furious and drinks and hits me. After knowing the Truth Lord I have to shut my mouth, Please Lord I am begging you find a solution for my problem. Have mercy on me Father – some times I am really frightened to stay with my husband, when he drinks he can’t bear to see me, Jesus Take control of his drinking, keep this women away from my husband, put enmity between them and separate them forever. Have mercy on my prayer oh Lord.
Polita
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Oswald’s Words
“Holiness means absolute purity of your walk before God, the words coming out of your mouth, and every thought in your mind – placing every detail of your life under the scrutiny of God Himself. Holiness is not simply what God gives me, but what God has given me that is being exhibited in my life.”
From “My Utmost for His Highest,” by Oswald Chambers.
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Past newsletters are archived here.
I enjoy reading your feedback.
May God’s grace abound to you.
Mike Genung
Feel free to forward this newsletter.
All material copyright 2005 Mike Genung
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