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TM2
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Posted: Tue Nov 24th, 2009 12:46 pm |
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Welcome, sid.
I really relate to your notion of living with two personalities. In my case, I think it was more than 2 in the end; but one of the big things that drove me into recovery was the sense that there wasn't one Tim, but only a bunch of broken pieces who didn't interact with one another and who were often at odds with one another. That's a common perception among addicts. Its part of why suicide is common among addicts - it's not really suicide; it's homicide against a part of ourselves that we can no longer endure, and that we kill even knowing that the rest of us will die, too.
So we all have a hard task ahead, learning to accept ourselves and to restore a single self from the pieces into which we have broken. We're not just sinners; we're also people who need psychological help. We need forgiveness, yes, but we also need to learn to face ourselves, to understand our feelings, and to find new ways to live. That's often a process of years of hard work with the help of our fellow addicts in 12-step or other support groups and with the help of professional counselors. That may seem like a daunting prospect, but it's really one of huge hope: Everything must change, but everything can change.
Desperation can be a good place to be. The first step in the 12-step program says, "We admitted that we were powerless . . . that our lives had become unmanageable." That step is the beginning of a process of surrender, of starting to trust others, of daring to face ourselves, of changing everything.
Coming here is great. What's your next step? Addiction is all about isolation, and we can't overcome isolation alone.
TIm M.
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sid123gu
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Posted: Sat Nov 28th, 2009 03:56 am |
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Praise the Lord !!!!!! it has been 6 days since 22nd. I am going clean for the last 6 days.
Confess it out brothers. EVen if you fall please speak it out. God's Grace would fill you.
Also check out http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com for their 60day course in sexual impurity. It has really helped me. I found the link to it on this forum only.
Be blessed. And thanks for reply
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Barry
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Posted: Sat Nov 28th, 2009 06:23 am |
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Sid,
That's great to hear. Keep it up. Don't let the devil tell you that you are too weak, or that you have to give in to the pressure. Because you don't. God is on your side and He who is in you is greater than the devil in the world.
I've continued to stay strong myself - and I know I haven't been doing it by myself.
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runawaytrain
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Posted: Mon Dec 7th, 2009 10:50 pm |
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I just wanted to check in and I am glad to see some life in here, I have been very tempted to buy a new laptop and start a new year of slavery and despair. i went to computer places twice and actually was going to do it. I was flooded in my thoughts, remembering the pain, Oh the pain.....thank you for the pain. I have to admit , I'm still a slave. I found a 8mb, flash drive i hid and have been using it along with substances. So big deal, I'm not back in, full hog. But the noose is still around my neck.
I just long to live honestly and pure and sometimes i don't think i'll ever get there,sometimes i feel like a rabid dog flinging towards my death, I can't stop, I've never been honest in my life,...always scheming and looking for the next thrill, the next high,....when does it end.
R UNAWA YTRAIN
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Barry
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Posted: Tue Dec 8th, 2009 12:31 am |
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Mr. Runaway,
I won't bombard you with advice. I applaud your search for help and your desire to live purely and honestly.
I have been doing well, but I don't want to see what would happen if I found a flash drive full of stuff, or a lewd magazine in my mailbox. I don't know if I'm at the place where I could see it and throw it away without peeking.
It's hard to stay pure if you are not filling that void with something else. God and His word should be the number one thing. If we are not filled with Him, it's no wonder we settle for second best. The Bible says to walk in the Spirit so you won't walk in the flesh. Just as you might be intentional in gratifying your flesh, be intentional in filling your spirit. Purpose to be a part of service projects in your community. Walk around and pray for your city.
It's also good to have hobbies that fill up your time with positive things. I like to play video games - and often I can turn to a video game if I'm feeling tempted and then my mind becomes absorbed in the game.
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Man
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Posted: Tue Dec 8th, 2009 03:35 pm |
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Runawaytrain; What is it that you want?
____________________
May the Lord bless you all!
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runawaytrain
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Posted: Tue Dec 8th, 2009 03:42 pm |
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wow , what a question.RUNAWA YTRAIN
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Dec 8th, 2009 07:54 pm |
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I'm glad this thread has started moving again.
I am very tempted at the moment and the past weeks to go back to porno but I keep praying and telling myself that I don't need to go back there. It's like being split down the middle.
The part that desires to be in harmony with God pulls me one direction and the side that desires to be sinful pulls me in the other direction.
So far I haven't gone back to porn but I can't kick the self-pleasing, though it is reduced and under some sort of control, albeit still tied to the habit.
Keeping busy has helped me. Helping other people is also very good therapy.
Last edited on Wed Dec 9th, 2009 09:43 pm by guitarist63
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runawaytrain
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Posted: Fri Dec 18th, 2009 02:57 pm |
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Man wrote: Runawaytrain; What is it that you want
I 've been changing lately and I wanted to share this with anyone who's interested.....
I started being with involved with this group in Jan, 06.... and when i saw that date, i was surprised ..surprised it had been that long and I remember at that time i was barely hangin on to the rim of the pit, losing ground fast and mostly powerless to stop, I was 44 years old and I knew what a great sinner i was and still am.. over these almost 4 years. The slavery and the time wasted, money and time...precious time....oh where did it go
Like alot of people here, I realize the "bondage" that i am in. I haven't tasted victory because my sin is so strong and i am so weak , and I've prayed God would free me and other's here have too. I wrote recently how I burned my laptop again and the temptation has been there.. i went to Best Buy again and looked, I had plenty of cash in my pocket and it was fairly cheap, yet still 3 times faster than my old one....and I didn't want it....it felt so good.
The very thing that has held me in spiritual squalor for years was retreating that day and I felt God's help right there. I'm not saying I am cured. It's just that I did something that a few years ago I couldn't....I walked away and when your helpless , that's a big thing.
RUNAWA YTRAIN
Last edited on Fri Dec 18th, 2009 03:01 pm by runawaytrain
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Barry
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Posted: Sat Dec 19th, 2009 02:50 am |
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Mr. Runaway,
Thank God for the strength He gave you!
I want to share a little victory of my own. I was mentioning that I didn't know how I would respond if a temptation was thrust under my nose (as opposed to me sniffing around for temptation). Well, a while back I got a message on Facebook from an acquaintance from High School (class of 96). She said she wanted to share some pics with me of herself - some which are inappropriate - and listed a web link. I had strong doubts that it was really her - that it was probably somebody hacking her name. Either way, there was a temptation thrust right under my nose. Part of me wanted to look - even just to see if it was really her. (Curiosity can kill) God helped me delete the message without investigating. Even so, I kept wondering about it afterward and almost wished I hadn't deleted it. Just so happened, I got the same message a couple weeks later. This time it was a little more difficult to ignore it, but I did by God's grace, and deleted it. After, I had no regrets, but rejoiced in God's grace to overcome!
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sun Dec 20th, 2009 10:32 pm |
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Thanks for encouraging us with your post, Barry.
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Strider
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Posted: Thu Dec 24th, 2009 04:47 pm |
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Day 2.
New member here. The hard part is knowing the option to fall is there. I finally downloaded the filter K9 (it's free) and made a random password that I won't remember. I wrote it down and gave it to my wife. Just knowing that I don't have the option to look has taken away the possibility and the burden. I had to get the kid out of the candy store. I'm hopeful it will help get me back on track.
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TM2
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Posted: Thu Dec 24th, 2009 08:05 pm |
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Welcome, Strider!
Filters can be useful in giving us a little space and in preventing accidental exposure, but I think it's important not to look at them as the complete solution. My problem isn't in my computer; it's in my soul.
My own experience with filters was that I would find ways around them or that I would find ways to act out that couldn't be filtered. As long as I didn't change in deep ways, the addictive desire eventually found a way to get what it wanted.
So do use the filter if it helps, but you might also consider using the time you save to look into support groups and counseling and other ways really to become a different person. For many of us, and certainly for me, addiction has been a pattern of many, many years that grew out of some pretty deep things within me; and recovery also is a work of years coming to face and to accept myself and to learn new ways to live.
Just how it's working for me, of course. Welcome to a wonderful journey, in any case.
Tim M.
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winginitx
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Posted: Mon Dec 28th, 2009 10:28 pm |
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Stupid, stupid, stupid! I have been clean for sometime over porn as I have a good filter on the home computer. What happened? The wife left her laptop on the counter, didn't close it out, and then left shopping. The siren song of a quick release and risque behavior caught me and I MB'd to some video porn clips.
We just had sex the night before and I wasn't even particulary feeling amorous, but the nervous little thrill ran through my body and I did it. By doing so, I risk her checking her computer, seeing the history and destroying the trust we have built up over months and months. When I do fail, I look why this happened, which helps me formulate a plan for that to not happen again. When threats like that are distant, I can take furtive steps to avoid them. But this one was point blank, in my face and I felt powerless.
I felt like I just wanted to reward myself for being good with a quick, naughty release...like old times. Faced with such a direct threat, I only considered what I call 'Stage 1 ' thinking; which is the selfish, comfort feelings of a emotional and physical release without effort, and didn't have time to really engage "Stage 2' thinking - which factors in the consequences for that behavior and the heavy guilt and shame.
So, I am going to have a conversation with the wife about shutting down her password protected laptop when she is through with it. I am disappointed that it has to come to that. I thought I was far advanced in recovery to have enough self-discipline to avoid that pitfall - and was even considering getting rid of the on-line filter on the home puter - but that is just wishful thinking. I am not going to beat myslef up over this. It was a fall, but I learned something in the process which I will implement counter-measures.
Will I tell my wife I slipped? No. That is a conversation for my accountability partners.
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mustardseed3
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Posted: Tue Dec 29th, 2009 01:35 am |
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I am the wife of an addict. The worst thing you can do is not open up - come clean and be honest with your wife. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE ! Why is that so hard for you guys to see. For me it wasn't what the drug of choice was, the biggest damage in our marriage was his CHOICE to hide the truth , to lie, to not give me the chance to really know him. And do you really think she's not going to find out sooner or later ? It will be 100% better if she hears the truth from you. My husband can tell me everything is "fine" but if his attitude is not "right" believe me I start looking for reasons. I went too many years in the dark and now that I know, I am paying attention. Please, I pray you can bring this slip up out into the light. I know it's difficult - but trust God - the truth is always better. And not telling her is lying to her.
Mustardseed3
____________________
itwillgetbetter
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Jesus Freak
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Posted: Mon May 3rd, 2010 04:55 pm |
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HI the people!
I have not been on the site for some time now, For some reason I started believing the TV and all channels of media and thoughts that started telling me "EVERYONE is masturbating, and it is impossible to stop due to it being in our nature..."
I managed to actually reduce the frequency to about 1 or twice a week, but then suddenly out of nowhere I just watched porn a few days ago, I was like a bomb going off in my head once i finished. I realised again how wrong it was and how badly I was infected by the Lust Virus....
Guys I really need an accountability group or something. I cannot talk to anyone in the ministry in our church because My dad is the pastor and my brother as well, and the rest of the guys look up to me to be mature in my relationship with Jesus.
I just feel like exploding every time I fall for the tricks of Lust.. But next week the same time, for some reason I believe it is OK to do it...
ANY input would be greatly appreciated...
Thanks Guys!!! God Bless....
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Man
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Posted: Tue May 4th, 2010 06:58 pm |
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Jesus Freak; How do you think you can reach your goals?
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May the Lord bless you all!
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Jesus Freak
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Posted: Wed May 5th, 2010 06:16 am |
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Hi there man,
Well, currently I'm standing on the Word of God and staying away from TV -
I believe that "whom the Son sets free is free indeed", so I just need to keep
feeling this negative towards masturbation and not let myself believe the
lies about lust....
But, I know Jesus WILL help me if I bring my part...
:>
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TM2
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Posted: Wed May 5th, 2010 01:44 pm |
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I certainly agree with the idea that we can't do this alone. Working with other recovering addicts seems to me important, because other addicts understand what it's like in ways that those who haven't been here can't.
In a reply to your earlier thread, I suggested some sources for online support, though I think that's much less desirable in general than face-to-face support.
If you can't talk to people in your church, can you talk to people in other churches? To professional counselors? To people in support groups for other addicts, like Alcoholics Anonymous?
You say you're expected to be mature in your relationship with Jesus. I don't think that maturity is shown by hiding our sins and pretending t be somebody we are not. I think that maturity is shown by confessing our sins and doing the terribly hard work of building a new way of life. That's scary. I didn't reach a point where I was mature enough to do it until I was over 50. Many people never do. But I think it's the path to grow toward.
Tim M.
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Man
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Posted: Wed May 5th, 2010 02:05 pm |
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| Tim: Thanks
____________________
May the Lord bless you all!
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