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ManOWar
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Posted: Wed Apr 8th, 2009 02:57 am |
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Hi I am hoping to walk this out with some others and I felt this would be a good way to do so. I promise I will read some other stories too! I began participating in these forums a while back but gave up. Well, Im back to stay!
Anyways, I lost the battle to lust today and masturbated to porn. That is my struggle, porn. I got hooked when I was real young on my Dad's stash... ever since Ive enjoyed it. Or pretended to. There is no real joy there, that can only be found with God and in marriage.
My church's youth service (Our youth is in their 20's! heh) is in the middle of a three part series on purity. Its powerful stuff. They split up the guys and girls last time and the guys got a sermon on porn and M. It was good, it gave me a lot of tools to work with, i just havent been using them. I get lazy....
I used to use a lot of drugs and I wonder what psychologically is going on but it does not scare me. I am willing to work this out of my life with God's Amazing Grace and I work with a therapist, and have great support in my church...
Anyways if you chose to read this, and want to work with me on this, I thank you. I will give my support too.
God Bless you all Bro's and Sis's
-ManOWar
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ManOWar
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Posted: Wed Apr 8th, 2009 08:33 am |
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Hey friends -
I was at work last night, listening to on of my favorite albums of all time, Demon Hunter's "The Triptych". And I was struck by a line in "Fire to my Soul": "
"We threw our hearts away cause were too afraid, too afraid to feel"
That really describes me. I cant get into my heart. I dont know whats in there. I am genuinely afraid to find out what is inside of my heart; I am on medications to control my emotions. I AM AFRAID TO FEEL. And, I have given up my heart.
Can anyone relate? I want my heart back!
-MoW
(p.s. I was diagnosed with "schizoaffective disorder" five years ago. However I believe this is a spiritual malady, not physical, and even my shrink agrees I may be off my meds one day  )
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john
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Posted: Wed Apr 8th, 2009 12:10 pm |
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| I'm definitely here for you ManOWar. You can send me PM anytime.
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LoveSick4God
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Posted: Wed Apr 8th, 2009 02:55 pm |
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I'm here for you, ManOWar. I know that I have problems letting my true heart come to the surface. For years I pretty much hid my emotions and my true self from my family, friends and anyone else. However, lately Ive been realizing more and more how safe God really is. If you trust Him and surrender to His will, than you will be taken care of. God loves you and wants to see you completely free from all of this stuff, all you have to dois surrender. There will be many troubles and challenges in between, but no matter what, if we follow the will of God, we won't regret it in the end.
Prayin for ya dude! -LoveSick4God
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ManOWar
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Posted: Thu Apr 9th, 2009 07:44 am |
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Well I made it today without masturbating. Day 1. I had a fairly good day, productive I suppose as I could be. Worked out, did my Bible study course, and did my job. Now I am home, at the most vulnerable point of my day: Nighttime. This is usually when I slip, I can close my door, shut out the world and look up porn on my computer and masturbate. But not tonight. I WILL make it.
Anyways I listened to a couple of sermons from some ministry, I forget what they were called, as well as a couple of Blazing Grace radio shows. What hit me tonight, after all the listening, was a quote from Matthew Henry (never heard of him) followed up by a scripture. Heres what I heard in my MP3 player:
"Sexual uncleanness is a sin that does as much as anything, blind the understanding, sear the conscience, and keep people from pondering the path of life." (Then the preacher said.) "Whoredom takes away the heart, Isaiah chapter 4 verse 11"
WOW - This is where my heart went! I threw it away to whoredom, in my soul I gave it over to a life of lust. This really hit me after what I wrote in here yesterday from the Demon Hunter song. It makes sense now, the Word of God speaks yet again! Awesome...
But I do fully believe my heart can be restored in time with sexual sobriety and a clean, non-adulterous heart. God is good and he is in the business of restoration.
Heavenly Father, thank You.
-MoW
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john
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Posted: Thu Apr 9th, 2009 12:25 pm |
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| It's really good to hear you are again taking steps toward sexual integrity and have a renewed resolve. God loves you so much and he's not trying to withhold something good from you by asking you to be sexually pure. Rather, he knows the damage that it can cause when sex is outside of its proper place. It is only a blessing when done his way!
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ManOWar
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Posted: Thu Apr 9th, 2009 03:27 pm |
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Well....
I stayed up last night. Pulled an all nighter. Major trigger right there. Had an energy drink, and a caffeine pill a couple of hours later. Another trigger. (Stimulants are always a trigger for me!) Got tired, laid in bed, had idle hands. Started to beat it but stopped myself RIGHT before I came. There was such a battle in my mind as to whether or not to "let it go"! I think what triggered it was I got thinking about how my friend is pregnant, and how sex is the first thing, I think... and then I was feeling sick, I think because I smoked three cigarettes this morning (I found a 1/4-full pack this morning on my way home), and I figured it would relieve the sickness...
But yeah I acted out. Sorry, Father. I dont know if I am better off or not cause I didnt come. I still feel just as dirty as if I would have...
Well there are phone calls to make. I must rock and roll for now -
Shalom
-MoW
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ManOWar
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Posted: Fri Apr 10th, 2009 01:26 am |
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Well, I slipped up. i made it about 10 min after I posted the above. Its all good though, I just made it harder for myself next temptation. I found it real easy to slip because of all the triggers I mentioned. I just had another energy drink just now (I need to focus on my homework) but my roommates are home and awake and I will leave my bedroom door open.
I dont feel shame, or guilt, just disappointment. I dont want to slough it off as no big deal either. I have to break this cycle some time. This time?
I understand the nature of addiction as I was once a meth addict. By God's goodness I got out of it, it was all His doing.. Lately I have been having cravings for it, dont know why. When I am free from one addiction as I was last night it seems another creeps into my head.
I know that the time is now to beat this thing, it has been for a long time. I just wish I knew why I give in, what are my reasons, what are my true motives? I do not want this thing in my heart. I DO NOT WANT THIS THING IN MY HEART. Holy Spirit dwells there and it belongs to Him. Does anyone have any insight on my possible actual motives for doing this? At least I didnt look at porn. But then my imagination can be worse as I imagine girls I know or knew, ex-girlfriends etc, and my mind does what it wants to do with them, I am in control of my imagination so maybe that is worse. I dont know.
Help me out guys... heres to purity from here on in.
-MoW
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LoveSick4God
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Posted: Fri Apr 10th, 2009 04:01 am |
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Hey, I also slipped up today. Not to brag to you, but to say that you're not alone at all.
It's amazing how many "last times" I've masturbated and looked at porn, but as my friend says when there's a slip-up, "God's saying, 'that's just one last time he'll do that.'"
I'm praying for you. Don't ever give up hope. God is worth the fight. Spending an eternity with the One we love is worth giving up an orgasm or a few minutes or hours of porn.
-LoveSick4God
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john
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Posted: Fri Apr 10th, 2009 01:37 pm |
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I eventually stopped promising myself and God that I would never act out again. It had become a law to me that practically guaranteed I would break it. You see, the flesh is a law-breaking machine. When we try to apply the law to the flesh, it is aroused to break it. Only grace has the power to overcome.
Here are a few scriptures to consider in this concept...
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=titus%202:11-12&version=31
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%207:7-24;&version=31;
When we try to live out a rule-based existence, we are actually arousing our flesh to rise up and break those rules. That is what the flesh does! Rather than making new laws for ourselves, we have to turn to Jesus instead. We have to humbly admit that we do not have the power to keep our flesh from sinning. Only Jesus can. He's the only one who ever lived a sinless life. He wants to live through us and express his sinless nature through us.
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ManOWar
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Posted: Sun Apr 12th, 2009 11:28 am |
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Hello friends
I think I am afraid of love and relationship. So I avoid it. This leads to innate lonliness, which leads to acting out. Does this make sense?
I had the thought because a lovely young lady has invited me to have Easter dinner with her family, nad beagn havin thoughts that I did not want to go. My original thought that came was that I will be too strung out (Its 5:22 am and I just bought two energy drinks for an all nighter, this is my real remaining drug habit, caffeine and stimulants...). I had these thoughts and then God began speaking to me about how I was afraid of the girl because I am afraid of rejection, or something like that? Could this be? That my acting out is a result of lonliness brought on by fear of relationships?
I need God to give me a big hug because I do not want this to be so! I thought I had conquered all my fears, but here I am and I damn near have tears coming to my eyes despite all the meds I m on for mood stabilization etc....\
There is a huge knot in my guts about this. Do I take the risk of gong for dinner, even though I will likely be strung right out and her family might not like me? Am I really that afraid of the whole thing? Or, do I stay at home and play on my computer, maybe do some homework or read a book? That is about as productive as I would get.
This is messed up. I do not like these thoughts or these feelings and I am very disturbed. I hope to hear from someone this morning!
Bog Bless you all!
-MoW
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Apr 13th, 2009 03:15 pm |
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Hi ManOWar,
I'm sorry that no one responded yesterday, and am certainly curious what you opted to do.
Your insight seems very plausible to me. All relationships involve some risk, and potential dating relationships even more so.
One of the things that helps me not be as concerned about rejection is to keep in mind that I make choices myself about whether or not to get to know someone better, though I'm married, so that only applies to friendships for me. I was pointing out to our son recently that there are four things that can happen in a dating relationship. By mutual decision a couple may decide to continue in to marriage, or stop dating. By individual choice either the man or the woman may conclude pursuit of the relationship. Those one-sided situations are terribly difficult, since the one who wants to continue the relationship has to give up their fantasies of a future with that person, to which he or she has become quite attached. It is then a challenge to believe that a different person is still out there with whom happiness is possible.
TruthSeeker
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ManOWar
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Posted: Tue Apr 14th, 2009 12:21 am |
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Oh Man I cant believe I typo-ed "Bog bless you all"! I meant God Bless you all of course.
Anyways, I did go over the the young ladie's place for dinner and had a really good time. I think we are going to begin a courtship as a matter of fact. What was really strange was that I dont think I thoguht at all of even kissing her, or if I did I was able to get the thought right out of my head. She is really pretty, and I like her a lot
So yeah I overcame that fear. I still acted out that night but that was after an energy drink which is a huge trigger. I wasnt thinking about her either. I didnt want to do that, so I fantasized about old girlfriends instead. In other worxds according to Jesus I cheated on her already and our relationship hasnt started yet really.
But yeah I am very happy that I took the risk, her family really seems to like me and I think I found my frist real girlfriend even though I am 27 (Messed around a bit but no real "relationships"). This could be my wife one day so I am going to foght this fight with all God's might inside of me. i want to be pure. She's beautiful .
Anyways I will be in touch -
-MoW
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TM2
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Posted: Tue Apr 14th, 2009 02:06 am |
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I assumed you were probably used to addressing God in Russian, where "Bog" is the word for God.
Tim M.
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john
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Posted: Tue Apr 14th, 2009 11:43 pm |
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| What is your next step with your energy drink trigger?
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ManOWar
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Posted: Thu Apr 16th, 2009 12:42 am |
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Oh, man, theres another step?!
Just kidding. Its usually when I find I am awake for a real long period of time that my body becomes more sensitive, and the energy drinks get me wired, so naturally I act out. I dont want to stop using energy drinks at all, but stop drinking them after say 3 pm. I am going to cut out coffee after 6 pm. My old meth addiction still haunts me in this way, I still crave "uppers". I still like being awake for 48 hours straight, and these days for some reason I have been craving crystal meth like crazy, I dont know why. Probably connected, no?
It likely has to do with the fact that crystal meth got my sex drive going. I would act out for a day or two straight some times. It got incredibly painful. I believe I "wired" my brain to where stimulants and sex go together for me. I have often worried about this, the spiritual in paricular. The flesh/self really got served during these times of acting out, and I believe i made the strongholds much stronger during this period of time. Add that to the fact that crystal meth permanently alters brain structure and you get my point.
But yeah, uppers. Gotta work on that one. I plan to go over it with my addictions counsellor! Thats the next step!
Have a good one friends-
And if anyone gets the idea that crystal will do your sex drive good, let me just say this: It put me in the hospital for three months and Ive been on medication since. It was not fun. DRUGS ARE BAD. SAY NO TO DRUGS!
-MoW
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john
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Posted: Mon Apr 20th, 2009 12:34 pm |
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When are you meeting with you counselor again?
It seems like the same neuro-pathways that were formed through the meth addiction are triggered by energy drinks and maybe even coffee since they produce a stimulant reaction. It certainly makes a lot of sense.
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ManOWar
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Posted: Mon Apr 20th, 2009 03:24 pm |
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Hello all,
I'm still stuck in the old habits and m-ing. Plain and simple. Gotta be honest right?
Im more concerned even now because I just started a relationship with a young lady (refusing to get physical however!) and shell be affected by this one day maybe too. So its more than me. It is my desire to start a family, so... you get the idea. A sex addict is full of himself leaving no room for others. That is not who I want to be...
And john, I have often thought this about energy drinks and coffee triggering my lust. I never described it as neural pathways though. It is an interesting concept and one that should certainly be explored deeper. Thank you for your insight.
I will be back -
In Christ,
-MoW
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ManOWar
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Posted: Mon Apr 20th, 2009 03:26 pm |
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just for the record i see my addictions counsellor tomorrow - i will let you know how it goes.
-MoW
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ManOWar
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Posted: Mon Apr 27th, 2009 10:00 pm |
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Well, I saw my addictions counsellor and as far as he goes masturbation is completely normal and healthy and he doesnt think I should stop. So that was that.
I acted out big time today, ass that I am. Twice. I am not fighting this. its ridiculous. Not doing my part. I am happy that I have been set free from the law of sin and death otherwise life would be over.
Does my weakness matter? Am I concentrating on the problem? I think so and I think that is a big part of my problem. As long as I am focused on it it will rule my mind. Maybe I should just accept who I am as a sexual being and relax. After all Gods strength is made perfect in weakness. I am studying Romans right now and I am finding I am more free than I ever thought.
Disobedient heart is what I have. What wound needs healing? What thoughts need changing? I am disgusted with myself. I choose not to dwell on it but I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I have a christian girlfriend, thank God she seems to think this is normal (I casually mentioned it one day when she asked me about what my problems were, I was honest, and her response was "thats normal".) But seriously if this destroys marriages then I am destroying mine before it starts.
I am beginning to hate this thing with a passion. Well, bring on the hate for sin! maybe it is the spark, the key. Love what God loves and hate what God hates. There are a lot of changes that need to take place within me...
Later.
-MoW
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