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ManOWar
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Posted: Sun May 10th, 2009 08:51 am |
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I just lost again. The first thing I think about after masturbating is cutting myself with a razorblade. There is definitely some self loathing going on. Who can blame me? I had a great time at church tonight and worshipped God in freedom, there were tears in my eyes, it was wonderful. And then I do THIS.
Truth is I DONT hate it, I love it. I love porn and masturbation. But I hate that about myself, I could get right neurotic on here tonight but I wont.
Im gonna do one more post and then read my Bible....
;QWJDFBV;KJEFBV;KADJ C;QIBGTV;KAEJFV ;QWIERHV ;AKDJ FV;QIWRHEGV ;AKDNFV ;RIG B;ADKFV N;DKGH ;ADKFHV ;ADKGH ;DKNV ;RGH BJ,GB L;KSJBVVM NGH LBDZKHXFB .VN;SLKHGBF .DKZ J.D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Thats about how I feel over this whole thing.
-MoW
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john
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Posted: Sun May 10th, 2009 01:55 pm |
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Hey MoW,
I'm sorry to hear about your fall and even more so to hear the shame and self-loathing in your post.
Remind me again what your recovery program looks like. Who are you meeting with/talking to and what kind of help are you taking advantage of?
John
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ManOWar
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Posted: Sun May 10th, 2009 03:53 pm |
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To tell you the truth john -
I dont have much of a recovery program; the guys I do talk to in my church dont seem all that concerned.. I do suppose it is up to me to begin this process. I will see what I can do at church this morning; I want to be pure for my g/f and above all for God...
Love.
-MoW
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john
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Posted: Mon May 11th, 2009 12:17 pm |
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| What did you find out?
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ManOWar
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Posted: Mon May 11th, 2009 10:59 pm |
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Not much john - church was spent anticipating a birthday party and every-sunday fellowship.... I am assuming you meant about starting a recovery program, right? Not what I said about researching child spanking for discipline?
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john
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Posted: Tue May 12th, 2009 12:01 am |
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Yes, you understood me. 
What are some of the first baby steps you need to take to get a program into place? What seems reasonable and attainable for you? You want to stretch yourself, but not be completely over-zealous.
John
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keitch
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Posted: Wed May 13th, 2009 02:49 am |
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Hey MoW and all,
I'm kind of new hear and just skimmed through the postings. The one thing that hit me as I read through is that it seams like you are trying to do this on your own. What is your motive behind in not masturbating or viewing porn? Is to feel good about yourself? I too had this same habitual sin of viewing porn and masturbating for over 40 years old. Yep I'm old. My motive was so I could walk a good Christian life. Wrong motive. I learned that I needed to please God and bring him glory with everything I did, looked at thought about etc. This motive changed my life. I haven't fallen for over 4 years only by God's grace. To be honest and up front and it shouldn't make any difference the porn I viewed was gay porn.
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john
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Posted: Wed May 13th, 2009 12:12 pm |
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| Wow keitch, thanks for sharing your insight. I am praising God for the freedom he has brought to you!
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ManOWar
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Posted: Tue May 19th, 2009 01:07 am |
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Well,
I sent an email to my "accountability partner" stating I would like to form an accountability group. I hope my leaders take this seriously as it was prophesied my church would be known for its purity.
And yes, I cannot do this on my own. I have been trying. I am sure my motive is right - I want to please my heavenly Father. Feeling good about myself is secondary...
I am going to Facebook my pastor and tell him about my struggle and the idea of an accountability group. As well, i am going to phone my accountability partner...
Thank you for your support guys.
In the battle and armed to the TEETH - (Sword of the Spirit!)
-MoW
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ManOWar
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Posted: Sun May 31st, 2009 05:35 am |
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Hi friends -
First off, I am very proud of myself. I made it a whole WEEK without M-ing and this is REALLY good for me. I was staying at a friends house yes but that has not stopped me in the past! I broke down eventually though and did it about four times in the next 24 hours. Which was bad. But the week was good!
One thing I really seem to notice (and is one of my shrink's theories!) is that girls seem WAY more interested in you when you are "full". You know what I mean, you havent M-ed or had sex in a while. For me about three or four days, girls will actually come up to me and start talking. This is a freaking miracle in itself. Well maybe not! But there genuinely does seem to be a connection there. Maybe I mentioned it before. I met my last girlfriend (we just broke up - I was honest with her about my lust, so she broke up with me  ), at a point where I was "full" during this same time period another girl was attracted to me too. needless to say this is definite motivation to quit. I want a girlfriend SO bad - not for sex, but for a companion. That is honestly the main reason.
Which brings me to why I logged on tonight. I was at a getogether around a fire this evening and there was a new girl amongst our group. I really REALLY wanted attention from her. Im not sure if I was lusting but I told my pastor (he was there too) afterwards that I was. Maybe I was. But, it strikes me now that the thing I really want is attention.
I really logged on tonight because I feel very sad and lonely inside, actually I feel VERY sad and lonely. I believe I am unique (this is a source of pride), I believe noone else is struggling with the things I struggle with. Maybe they're out there...
I'm hurting.
ManOWar out.
-MoW
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john
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Posted: Mon Jun 1st, 2009 12:25 am |
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Congrats on a week of purity!
You definitely aren't alone! I know what it feels like to be desperately lonely, even when married! So what does that tell you? That you can have a girlfriend or even a wife and that feeling of loneliness can still follow you around. It comes from not being deeply known by others, and that can persist even when you aren't physically alone.
Here's an interesting point as well - we can receive just as much comaraderie and companionship from our other guy friends as we can from a girlfriend or wife. Don't get me wrong, there is a deeper level of intimacy in marriage when it is done God's way. But, marriage isn't a cure for loneliness. Meaningful relationships with other guys who are mature in the Lord and can encourage us can meet that need just as well.
Thanks for checking in!
John
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Paulos
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Posted: Mon Jun 1st, 2009 03:37 pm |
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ManOWar,
Probably the loneliness is what drives the m. habit.
In my experience, admiring a particular girl from a distance and fixating on gaining her attention never worked. Better to be part of several fluid circles of friends (church, work/school, club or common interest, service group, etc.) that bring you into actual interaction with girls (plural) as well as other guys. Eventually one of those friendships can blossom into something more specially romantic and companionable.
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ManOWar
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Posted: Tue Jun 16th, 2009 11:06 am |
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I am not lonely. Often I am isolated however. But....
What i would like to share here are two things. I am going to say this in another portion of these forums as well to help others. This works, it has been two days since I last masturbated and looked at porn. (Or is it looked at porn and masturbated? LOL). Seriously though I think I have a strategy. I feel very strong with this plan.
Step One - Pray to God the Father and spend time in His Word!
Step Two - GET ANGRY at Satan and his minions! Spiritual warfare is for real!
Step Three - ACCOUNTABILITY with your friends and leaders
Step Four - KEEP busy and productive.
This is working so far. It worked for a week straight last time. It has been two days, thats all so it doesnt say much but I think I am on to something as I am barely tempted.
JESUS RULES.
-ManOWar
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ManOWar
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Posted: Wed Jun 17th, 2009 04:55 am |
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Another day, still clean...
Lets honour God and beautiful Eve brothers by resisting pornography and lust!
May God be with you and fight for you!
-ManOWar
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ManOWar
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Posted: Thu Jun 18th, 2009 12:59 pm |
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Another day clean. I think that makes 5 or 6, I am not sure which. Doesnt matter. What matters is today.
I was majorly tempted earlier.. I got to thinking how I wanted to fight so I watched the second half of Gladiator. (I had watched the first half earlier, before I went to work). Movies are good, and so is biblical history, for seeing "real men". They will inspire you.
Our honour and strength are what is at stake in this battle. Your family loses you eventually. Not to mention your relationship with Father.
Pornography is evil. Sin. Period.
Satan saps our strength through this medium and I am fighting him in Jesus' name with all Ive got. Heres to our King! If He means anything to you, you will fight for Him. Not to mention your families.
I love you all and I hope you find something here to help you. I know its only 5 or 6 days, but one day at a time and the right choices, and I will be DONE FOREVER.
Shalom.
-ManOWar
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ManOWar
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Posted: Thu Jun 18th, 2009 05:17 pm |
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Blew it. Tempted. Became a feeling in my gut - MADE THE WRONG CHOICE. Hardcore spiritual warfare now to get me back where I need to be spiritually.
I did not a) Keep in touch with God, b)Keep busy but I DID remain angry with Satan and kept accountable.
I am human, therefore I err
is anyone even reading this?
-MoW
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TM2
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Posted: Thu Jun 18th, 2009 06:37 pm |
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I read it, but your approach to recovery and mine are different enough that I don't have a lot to say. I certainly wish you well, though.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Jun 18th, 2009 07:01 pm |
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Hi ManOWar,
Yes, I read all of the posts, and pray for you all.
As a wife, though, I don't always feel like I have something helpful to contribute.
TruthSeeker
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keitch
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Posted: Fri Jun 19th, 2009 02:39 am |
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Yep I have read most of your posting MoW. Like Tim M. I took a different approach. I went to Setting Captives Free and took their 60 day Bible course. I've been walking in freedom fro 4 1/2 years from porn and masturbation. This is all by God's grace and not by myself or by SCF. SCF was the tool God used to help me. Keitch
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ManOWar
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Posted: Mon Aug 24th, 2009 12:44 pm |
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God God, i gave up the fight for so long.
By giving up i mean giving in, My masturbation is a terrible habit. But like any habit, it CAN be broken. WILL be broken. I am sorry that I have not come on here to tell you guys whats been happening (only 3 or 4 of you seem to read my posts anyhow), but it does help to let it out with someone.
After an intense prayer and warfare session yesterday (it was only 10 minutes, but intense nonetheless) with my friend and roommate who is Christian and struggles with the same thing, I thought i had acheived some kind of victory in that prayer. However, as i was praying and doing warfare for a family member facing some crazy issues, I kept falling asleep (wasnt an attack of any kind, I had just only slept 4 hours within about 30). And one of my points of weakness seems to be right when I wake up, even in the middle of the night, its like my body does it automatically and my mind doesnt catch me fast enough because I am half asleep. So I slipped up today.
However, I am speaking the Word of God into my life like never before! I truly believe this will be and is a powerful weapon that is to be used....
I have an opportunity to play on the church worship team now, and one of the requirements is sexual purity - including from masturbation. I REALLY want to get up there and play so please pray for me as I fight this thing.
Thanks friends -
-MoW
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