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michau
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| Joined: | Mon Apr 27th, 2009 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 16th, 2009 11:25 pm |
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I'm a student leader at the church that I've attended my entire life. As a leader I've led countless bible studies and taken the time to pour into our next generation. I participate in our worship service doing music. I've led a fair share of praise nights and sang songs about the greatness of God and his redeeming love for me. More recently I was given the awesome privilege to learn the basics of a baptismal class in hopes that I would some day take over as the instructor. But all this seems like such a well built facade hiding who I really am. I've become somewhat of an expert at leading others, including myself, to believe that I'm a Christian who's got it all figured out. But the truth is, I don't even know where I stand sometimes. I've struggled with pornography and masturbation for nearly my entire teenage life. I'm 22 now and I'm scared to death about the scars that will haunt me if God gives me a wife. But mostly, I'm completely shamed by how long I've hidden who I am - that even though I teach, guide, and expend myself on "ministry" my heart is feels far from God.
My goal is to be completely transparent and to be honest with other human beings. I want to hold fast to God's love and throw off these hindrances. I don't expect to be completely free from lustful thoughts, but I want my heart and my mind to be transformed. I want my spiritual life to stand firm and repel temptations, to be wise about what I watch and expose myself to. I hope to learn about grace and forgiveness. Most of all, I yearn for intimacy with God. I want learn how to desire for Him and His glory. I want to be freed by the Son.
If I might request something from readers...please pray for me and for my healing. I know I need heaps of it.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Jul 16th, 2009 11:52 pm |
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Welcome Michau. I have prayed.
Last edited on Sun Jul 19th, 2009 11:36 pm by guitarist63
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
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Posted: Fri Jul 17th, 2009 01:45 am |
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Welcome, michau! Your story is a familiar and common one.
Do you have a plan in mind as to how to become honest? Porn addiction, unlike alcoholism, is something people manage to hide and is something it's probably inappropriate just to announce to the whole parish. On the other hand, being completely honest with some people - a therapist, other addicts in support groups, the people in higher leadership in your church who will end up taking the flack if your secret comes out and upsets people - really is important. It's important because it's an act of responsibility, but it's also important for you because addiction is a disease of isolation and we are only as sick as our secrets.
From whom can you get help and support at this point? Professional counselors and other addicts in support groups are natural starting points, but there may be others.
Tim M.
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michau
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Posted: Tue Jul 13th, 2010 06:35 am |
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It's been a while since I've been back here. I figured it might be time to update and just share the amazing things that God has done in my life so far since last year.
I still remember it as if it were yesterday when I wrote the above post. Through some sifting and reading of posts later that night, I found settingcaptivesfree.com and enrolled in their Way of Purity course. I was pretty skeptical at first...so I started slow. It's a 60 day course and I probably ended up taking about 4-5 mos to finish it. Every time I think of it, I thank God that he led me there that night. It wasn't so much that this program magically turned me around and said all the right words to me, but it reminded me that Christ gave me His record when He died on the cross for me. God doesn't see the sin and death of my life, but He sees His perfect Son. I'm hesitant to recommend the site because my transformation truly has nothing to do with it. Everything that convicted me was in the Word. If anything, I would encourage you to take the course to discover the Bible for yourself.
I have to be honest and say that I struggled mightily for the first few months. I was on again and off again with pornography and self-gratification. There wasn't this huge turning point, but something progressive and penetrating. That's not to say that I wasn't tempted, that I didn't fall flat on my face occasionally, but that now there was actual victory. There was this overwhelming feeling of serenity and joy.
I come full circle now as this is the anniversary of when God saved me from the slavery to my own lust. I write this because there are days where I feel like I'm slipping back into what things used to be. I write this because I want to be free from this completely for His glory - not for my comfort, not for freedom from my guilt. I admit that I've fallen recently more than I have in a while and it's both scary and confusing. But tonight made me realize that God has given me everything I need for holiness. He has given me His Spirit, He has given me His very words and He has given me His Son with whom I share a record. May God straighten my paths and may I seek His guidance and quit delaying. Today is the day of salvation.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Wed Jul 14th, 2010 03:35 pm |
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Hi michau,
Thank you for returning to update us. The power of the Word, the double-edged sword, is something that simply cannot be fully fathomed here on Earth.
TruthSeeker
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