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zkoehn
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Posted: Fri Sep 18th, 2009 05:32 am |
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For the first ime in a long time i was able to resist. I know going without porn for four days is no big deal but i resisted temptation for all of them. This is the first time in a while that i didn't run to my temptation. I screwed up though just tonight. I feel so hopeless right now that i really don't know what to say.
I really do love God. I really want him to be lord of my life but he said in his word that i can not serve two masters. Am i not Gods? I fear God...i really don't know if thats a good or bad thing. I am scared of him. I don't want to die because i don't want to see him for the first time. I know everything i do will be judged. Im torn though because i truly love him. I long for him more than anything in my life. Its just that my temporary lusts scream louder than my desire for God. Can i be forgiven for the things i have done? I really dont know. Ya there are many verses of his forgivness but also his judgment. I can not reconcile the god of the old testiment with the god of the new. They are they same god but they seem radically differen't.
honestly im depressed. I don't see a light through this tunnel. I don't see any hope for me in this life and if im honest im scared for the next... Its not that im scared he can't forgive me but im scared that i have will fully rejected him and he wont take me back. Man do i need prayer. Please pray. please...also pray that he will forgive me and take me back...please...
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TM2
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Posted: Fri Sep 18th, 2009 10:50 am |
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For me, the way forward opened when I accepted both that I absolutely couldn't do it alone - I'd been trying that for 30 years and it had always failed the same way - and that people who sought out help from others and from God in a new and deeper way were finding a deep freedom and new lives that I could scarcely dream of.
I read the Promises in the AA Big Book and believed that stuff like that could happen to an ordinary person like me.
Reaching out for help by starting to attend 12-step meetings and getting a sponsor and working the steps and by starting through counseling to understand myself changed my life absolutely. My journey hasn't been all uphill, but nothing on earth would induce me to change my life now for my life 5 years ago.
I don't think many people overcome addictions alone, nor do I think we overcome addictions by trying to fix our vertical problems with God while leaving alone our horizontal problems with God and with our fellow humans. At least, that's how it worked for me. I needed SAA/SLAA and counseling and honesty with the people around me before I could move forward at all.
Are you open to other solutions, or do you need to try it alone a while longer? Either way, I sure know what it feels like to be stuck in what I really think is hell. Your fear of God is sure something I lived with for a lot of years before finding how wrong that feeling was.
May you find the peace you seek.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Sep 18th, 2009 12:05 pm |
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Hi zkoehn,
Yes, four days is a big deal--it is a step forward. One slip does not have to land you at the bottom of the mountain. One boulder down is not the entire mountain. Take a few deep breaths, then reach for the next hand and foot holds.
It seems to be many people's experience that moving forward is very challenging unless you identify the source of emptiness that you are trying to fill with porn, or the pain that you seek to numb with it. Knowing what those roots are and seeking for God to fill those needs and heal the pain will, one by one, detach the ugly roots of the vine that ensnares you. Without the roots, the vine must die. Without attacking the roots, the vine will live on, reaching another tendrel for you almost as fast as you get another disentangled.
TruthSeeker
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trying to understand
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Posted: Fri Sep 18th, 2009 04:49 pm |
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Hi Zkoehn,
I am new to this topic. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I knew after the first year that he was viewing pornography by himself, while I was either not home, or still sleeping in the morning. I didn't fully realize that it was an addiction until just a couple of months ago. I started doing some research, and found that he does in fact have an addiction. Through the web, i found out that in having this addiction is compaired to a crack addiction. The same neurochemicals that are released in the brain from your addiction is the same as when an abuser of drugs has. It is the high that you seek, but there are many underlying reasons why. It is not until you can figure out what your underlying issues are, to work through them. I read on this sight about the woman that did porn videos, and how she felt, and how untrue they really are. The women in these films depict that they are enjoying themselves, but this is totally untrue. It gave me a different perspective on the industry, and the people involved. It for me, took away the excitement of viewing these movies myself. The healing for you is going to take time like with any problem. God understands that we are human. He understand that addicts have a true addiction, not just to do bad things because they want to. Please don't feel so hopeless, you are on the right track, and I can see that you are trying really hard. You should feel proud of yourself for resisting. My husband is now in therapy. He won't tell me some things because he feels embarrassed. I am just going to do all that I can, and pray. Just pray, you will feel the love of God by just talking a loud to him. I have to remember that his sex addiction is about medicating a hurting heart, and he's probably just as confused and as scared as I am, and on top of that ashamed. Do not look too much into deciphering the bible. God and Jesus are there for us, and just remember this quote "For the Son of Man has come to seek and save for which is lost." Luke 3:16 and Romans 10:9 "that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
I will pray for you to find peace within yourself. Remember you are not alone.
Sincerely,
trying to understand
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zkoehn
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Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 12:30 am |
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Thank you everyone for the replys. I don't want to do this alone. I live in a small town with a church of 250 to 300 people. There are no ministiries i guess you would call them to deal with porn. I have talked to my pastor but that hasn't done much to help me. Wether i like or not i fear that im very alone in this.
I hear a lot of identifying the roots of my sin. I honestly don't know if there are any. I started because i was curiuos as a kid. I guess maybe a lack of faith in God's ability to fufill me has been a factor but i really don't know. Couseling is not an option. For one there are no christian counselors where i live. second i don't really have a pastor at this point in time. He is gone for right now and my church has been having guest pastors come in. I have prayed that god would reveal to me the roots and im going to continue that.
Thanks again for all support, prayers, and advice.
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TM2
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Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 03:00 am |
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If you're open to the 12-step program, you could always start with the online meetings the various fellowships have. Look at http://slaafws.org/ and at http://slaaonline.org/ for one place to get started. SAA, SA, and SCA also have online and phone meetings. All that's obviously available anywhere in the world.
If there are larger towns nearby, there might be options there, too. I drive about an hour to meetings, and I know people who have driven a lot farther than that for meetings or for counseling. Of course, I also realize that for many people, a drive of an hour or 2 still leaves you in the middle of nowhere.
Tim M.
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zkoehn
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Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 03:26 am |
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| i will check that out. the nearest city that might have an actually meeting would be 3.5 hours away and seven hours of driving in total is kinda impossible for me. Thank you for the links though. i will check them out.
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passymbolic
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Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 05:44 am |
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(HE CAME TO SET THE CAPTIVES FREE) A REAL BOOK
am i ABLE to call myself CHRIST- ian IF I CONTINUE TO FOLLOW wordly/FLESH llusts
jesus said if you love me you will do as My father says GO (sin no more)
WHAT tTRIPS ME THE MOST? how can i criticsize other christians transgressions when there is a prominent SPECK IN MY EYES.
AH YES
I HEAR YOU MOSES' (IM HAVING A 10 COMMANDMENT FLASHBACK)
"THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT MENTAL FORNICATION" IS NO DIFFERENT FROM SEXUAL FORNICATION
im no different from porngraphy actors on film..
SO I ASK MYSELF IF IM NOT OF THIS WORLD, NOR DO I WANT TO BE OF THIS WORLD.
WHY NOT ASK GOD TO HELP ME CONQUER SINS ONCE AND FOR ALL.
(PAST)icant bc i love being addicted to ADDICTION
fUTURE tHOUGHTS
IIAM NOT GOING TO HELL FOR NO ONE
(rev 21:8 but the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murders the sexually immoral, those who pratice magic arts the idolaters and all liars their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death
sins--Sexually immortal (porngraphy Mental fornication, sexual fornication)
idolaters-loving A PERSON, PLACE OR THING more than God,
idol worshippers
IF MY EYES IS CAUSING ME TO SIN GORGE IT OUT.) NOT ILLTERALLY
DO WATERV IT TAKES TO GET RID OF THE SPIRTUAL DEMON (LUST( CORRUPTION)
------the truth shall set the captives free
tHANK YOU LORD IAM FREE
Last edited on Sat Sep 19th, 2009 05:45 am by
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LoveSick4God
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Posted: Sun Sep 20th, 2009 04:25 am |
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I'm replying to your first post on this thread because I too have been confused about how God forgives and judges.
Here's my view by what I find in the Bible and in God's heart.
Before man was created God longed to be able to share His love with somebody, because afterall He is love and he created love. HE IS 100% LOVE. But other than the angels he had no one to share his feelings with. God's never been lonely or feeling rejected, that's not what I'm saying. He simply wanted some body to love and to love him back with the same love that he has.
but for some one to love him the same....it would have to be by that one person's choice, not because they had to, which is why he made us with a free will and a choice instead of little robots that magically, automatically love him with all our actions. But he also knew that if he gave us a free will and a choice in all things....that we would eventually choose something other than him and fall away from him like Adam did in the garden which in turn makes us all naturally fallen at birth (but Jesus through the cross can change us from that fallen nature and renew that).
So he made the risk of creating man even though he knew we would betray him. Why? because he wanted true love so badly that he would do anything for it...and HE DID!
And so man was made and we sinned and rebelled against God as we still do. So like in the Old Testament God set a covenant that man had to sacrifice animals and shed their blood to cure them from their sins. But they couldn't refrain from sinning and turning from God and a lot didn't sacrifice animals after sinning and people didn't turn from their sins and that why God judged them with even death at times. So we get the picture......after Adam sinned every single man and woman on this earths can't help but to sin against God...even if we do love him like you stated in your post.
So God came up with a solution. He would become man since man couldn't do it on his own. He would come as a man named Jesus and live a perfect, sinless life and then at the end of his life die a brutal, agonizing death as he hung butt naked on a wooden cross after being scouraged and beaten. The Bible says that he was unrecognizable due to the extent that he was beaten. So a perfect God living in as a man on this earth died asfter living a perfect life. why? he didn't deserve it.
it was for you. you you you. because he loves you right now at this very moment so much that 2,000 years ago he died with your face before his eyes because he knew that one day you could be with him for the rest of eternity. He would have died even if it was JUST for you. He paid the price for all your sins through his own blood. And now if you read in the new testament there's no mention of animal sacrifice and a lot of other legalistic things. It's because he was the sacrifice for us all once and forever.
He died for all your sins of masturbation and porn and lust and everything that goes with that. He already paid the price for every sin that you have commited in the past, and ones you commited today, and ever will commit.
So now all you have to do is ask for that forgiveness and if your heart is sincere about wanting freedom from this stuff, which I can see that you do, Jesus gives you this free gift.
Judgement is real, and God does judge because he's love and love is fair and just. But he will only judge those who do not accept the free gift of His salvation and freedom and those who turn against him without caring about their actions.
You want freedom, that's why you're writting here in the first place and God sees that. So just give him all your junk and all you have to do is realize that you can be forgiven by what Jesus already did on the cross. And then that's that, you're forgiven. And then if you mess up the next day and then you're sorry again then you just give it to God once again, dust your butt off and continue running this race with all that you have, because it's so worth it.
I pray that you'll realize how important you are to God and that he wants a living, vibrant relationship with you every day, not just in some church building, although that can be good too (can).
Hang in there and don't be afraid of God. When the Bible speaks of "Fearing God" in a good way it's usually speaking of a reverance and respect toward Him, not the fear we normally think of.
STAY STRONG IT'S WORTH THE FIGHT!
-LoveSick4God
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2009 11:28 pm |
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Welcome Z Koehn
I can't add much more to the replies except to say that like you I have been in a cycle. In my case it has been sin, then guilt, shame, remorse, self-loathing, depression, and eventually a point of confession and repentance. Whatever the sin, we will all at some time in our lives commit one and a single sin will keep us out of God's presence, if His Son had not died so that we could stand forgiven and able to enter into the presence of God. I can only approach God because of Jesus. There is nothing else that qualifies me.
I have to keep returning to God for His forgiveness. Sometimes I have wallowed in the sin for longer but eventually I arrive at the same place again. I need God's presence. I need to talk to Him and I can't stay away for very long without suffering. I am my worst enemy without God's help and need to keep going back, no matter how bad the sin may seem.
I have prayed and hope my prayer was effective. You're not alone.
Last edited on Wed Sep 23rd, 2009 09:42 pm by guitarist63
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zkoehn
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Posted: Sun Sep 27th, 2009 12:08 am |
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I'm really scared right now that God has given up on me. I screwed up once again. no surprise there but now i just feel...i don't know. I feel numb, and hopeless. I don't even feel guilty. Has God given up on me? is there no hope for me? I just don't what to do. The verse in revelation about the sexually immoral not inheriting the kingdom of God has been haunting me. Man i have never agreed more than with solomon when he said it is better to be dead than to be living. how i wish everything would just end. God can you still forgive me? please have mercy on me... im at my wits end and this is becoming a very familiar place. I doubt that God still loves me...at least my heart does. my head sitll knows or at leasts hopes that he loves me.
Thanks for all the past answers and encouregment. It has helped. also i don't mean to focus on my depression and stuff. its just this is the only place i can be honest and have someone have an idea of whats going on so forgive my stupidity i guess. thanks
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Sep 27th, 2009 05:03 am |
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Hi zkoehn,
God never, ever, ever, ever... gives up on us. While there is breath, there is hope.
Try reading Psalm 51. Not only had King David been a coward and failed to lead his army in to battle, not only had he not bounced his eyes off of Bath-Sheba, not only did he have her brought to him for sex, but then, when she became pregnant, and her husband would not sleep with her to make the timing look legitimate, King David put him on the front lines to be certain he would die in battle.
And God called King David a man after His own heart. I do not believe that God has a wicked heart, but was telling us that David's heart for repentence is one that touches His.
I have seen many who struggle jot this simple prayer.
"Lord, help me to see this sin how you see it, and to draw so close to You that I am as repulsed by it as You are."
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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TM2
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Posted: Sun Sep 27th, 2009 11:16 am |
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How would you find another place where you can be honest?
Addiction is all about isolation. Getting better means connecting with others. How might you do that, either face-to-face (ideally) or via some phone or chat group that might give you closer interaction than this board can?
Tim M.
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