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zkoehn
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| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 15th, 2009 03:40 am |
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| Im so stinking pissed at myself! I freaking hate me with all of my heart!!!! I have never hated anyone except for myself. I was resisting. I really was. I was praying when i got tempted and i was close to God i thought. I don't honestly know what happened. Yesterday i was hit with this massive doubts about God even being real. i fought though against temptation. today i was hit so hard by both. i prayed for help and don't get me wrong im not blaming god, but he didn't help me. Im to weak. i gave in and hear i am. Wishing that i died a long time ago. It is better for the dead than the living. honestly, i truly wish God would have ended my life a long time ago. i don't know why he made me. i doubt he loves me. im screwed up. i fear that its to far for me. Hebrews six four through six says...For it is impossble for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit and have tasted the good word of God adn the powers of the age to come. if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since the ycrucify again for themselves the Son of God adn put Him to an open shame...GOD PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE TO LATE!
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 15th, 2009 12:24 pm |
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Hi zkoehn,
Remember that condemnation comes from Satan--even when he quotes Scripture to do it--promoting hopelessness.
Conviction, on the other hand, is the Holy Spirit prompting us toward repentance, for which we are promised God's forgiveness, which inspires hope.
While there is breath, there is hope. I recommend the book The Purpose Driven Life. The master Potter has purpose for us all, even if we do not understand some of the shapes our clay is in during the process.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
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Posted: Thu Oct 15th, 2009 03:06 pm |
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Keep breathing, zkoehn. God loves us all. It's a disease, not a disgrace. The self-destructive shame is part of the cycle of the disease. Can you gently step away from the self-loathing, accept yourself as a person with a problem, and begin to find new ways to address the problem?
People find ways to get sober from all manner of addictions every day. It's hard work, and for many of us the process of recovery has its ups and downs. But there's a new life out there.
For most people, recovery involves serious, deep work with other people. I know you live in a remote area, but maybe it's worth thinking again about how you can find support where you are. Are there any counselors within reach? People who work with addictions in general may well be all you need. If that's not possible, what about finding someone who will work over the phone? SLAA and SAA and SA and SCA have phone and chat and Skype meetings. There may also be open AA meetings within reach, where you could identify as an addict and leave it at that.
I relate to the pain and the despair and the isolation from God. Addiction is an unbelievably painful disease. Keep reaching out for help and for hope. Reach out more.
You know, the first step of the 12 step program says, "We admitted that we were powerless . . . , that our lives had become unmanageable." Reaching that point for real is a wonderfully good thing, however painful it may also be.
Just my opinion, of course.
Tim M.Last edited on Thu Oct 15th, 2009 03:08 pm by TM2
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Barry
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Posted: Sat Oct 17th, 2009 04:47 am |
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I know what you mean zkoehn about disliking what you see in yourself. I'm amazed at the filth I see in myself when I stumble. I just fell again this week after several weeks of doing well. It started with a thought one night before bed. I didn't dig up that thought, but let it grow in me. The next day, when my wife was away, I was on the computer looking for lustful images. I wasted the good part of a day looking at junk, and images stayed with me into the next day. How could I do such a thing? I sing on the worship team at church. I lead a Bible study. Something I'm beginning to learn is this - my unholy actions are a symptom of inner ungodliness. I have a sinful issues inside me whether they manifest outward or not. The fact that I acted in such a terrible way tells me that there is something inside me that I have to deal with. I need to take this opportunity now that it is exposed to cry out to God for mercy - who knew it was inside me all the time, even if I didn't. If I don't deal with it properly, it is only a matter of time before the enemy exposes it in me again. The real issue is what is going on in my heart, not in how I act.
If anyone has any further insight in this or wants to correct me in my thinking - feel free. I'm just trying to make sense of this like zkoehn and take the steps to freedom.
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Pepper
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| Joined: | Sat Oct 17th, 2009 |
| Location: | Oregon USA |
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Posted: Mon Oct 19th, 2009 04:28 am |
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Just wanted to see if I could post
____________________
God Loves You And So Do I,
Deacon Pepper
http://www.christiansexualaddiction.com
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passymbolic
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Posted: Tue Oct 27th, 2009 12:54 am |
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Dont listen to lies of Satan..
all he wants is for you to doubt Gods love + forgivness + grace meant for you.
once he makes u believe in his lies...you will fall to despair./Dont fall for It Stand Up Firm in Christ
-----the weapons we fight are not with flesh and blod, but against the prince of principlities, darkness......
he knows his days are numbered...he will be sent to the pit glooms of hells... so what does he do..try to maniuplate...,goad.....turn astray ..(twist ur emotions..play with ur mind--- people to burn with him
remember God will always forgive you for whatever sin...
(He is faithful and just to forgive us.)
and make u white as snow...with the Blood of the Lamb
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passymbolic
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Posted: Tue Oct 27th, 2009 01:52 am |
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YES YOU CAN. I BELIEVE IN YOU.
STAND STRONG IN CHRIST YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD
---LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU IN HEAVEN
WITH UR CROWN OF LIFE ..
DECOTRATED IN JEWELS RUBIES,
SMBL
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trying to understand
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Posted: Wed Oct 28th, 2009 01:44 pm |
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Please try not to feel that way, we are all human, and are filled with the grace of God. My husband has a porn addiction, and our doctor is working with him to "retrain" hisself. Maybe you should try to see a therapist for this, it is really helping us. You also seem to be depressed. I have struggled with depression for years, but my medication helps me feel better. Stay strong. The devil will temp you at your weakest moments. Just take things min by min, or hour by hour, whatever it takes. God loves you, please remember that, he feels your pain and understands. We are not perfect, and all of us have some kind of problem. unfortunately, it is the world we live in. Pornography is accepted, divorce is accepted, homosexuality is accepted.. You must stand strong in your beliefs, and do not let anyone or anything come in between you and your realtionship with God.
I will pray for you.. may God bless you and keep you.
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