| Author | Post |
|---|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Thu Oct 22nd, 2009 02:09 am |
|
So today i screwed up. Right now i feel absolutly emotionless, numb, and pretty much hopeless. Ive been told by people who are going through the same thing as i am that im going to hell so im kinda scared. Im going to try though with gods help to stand and im hoping this will help. i used to keep a journal and that helped but the fact that no one else would read it dulled its effectivness so im hoping that this way i will have more motivation to not screw up. God help me and forgive me.
I think the only thing thats is keeping me going right now is a word that God gave to me through someone else. She said that she saw me as a light house being hit by massive waves. She said that no matter how strong the waves were the lighthouse would not fall. She also said that the waves were God's grace. After each wave that hit the lighthouse the lighthouse become smoother and purer and more beautiful. if i didn't have that word than honestly i might have gone back to self mutilation but im not fully sure. I just hope that i will get through this.
so i can promise that the posts wont be this long everytime. Just on how i did and what im feeling. haha i doubt anyones going to be reading it. im just hoping that the fact that someone might read might help. Please if u do read this, keep my in your prayers. My name is Zach and im searching for the Grace of God
|
Little Bird
Member
| Joined: | Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 7 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Oct 22nd, 2009 03:10 am |
|
May God transform your heart and use it for his Glory.
Will be praying for you 
|
truthseeker
Administrator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 1322 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |   |
|
Posted: Thu Oct 22nd, 2009 12:34 pm |
|
Hi Zach,
Any sin, not just sexual sin, makes us destined for Hell, but the good news of the Gospel is that Christ paid the penalty for all of our sins, and that as long as we admit our sinfulness, believe that He was our atoning sacrifice, and confess Jesus as Lord, we are promised salvation. No human can know with absolute certainty whether or not you have done that. Even as believers, we never stop sinning, though it should be our desire to be conformed to Christ's image more and more. The Bible states that those believers who are not exercising self-control in certain areas should not be in positions of leadership, but no sin is defined as the final straw for God to withdraw salvation. As Romans 6 reminds us, we do not want to presume upon God's grace by deliberately sinning, but neither are we to punish ourselves by judging ourselves unreachable by the grace of Almighty God.
I won't reply to every post, but you can be certain that I am reading them and praying.
TruthSeeker
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Fri Oct 23rd, 2009 01:26 pm |
|
| Day two im honestly surprised to say i survived. i was home sick all day alone but thank God i didn't screw up. I spent some time praying and reading the word and i feel good...which is not a normal feeling. i read a bunch of the psalms and prayed. it was just good. i have peace right now. Thanks God day two is over.
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Oct 24th, 2009 06:14 am |
|
Day three,
I didn't fail so i thank god for that. Really nothing to say. I am a little nervous because ive been hit with doubts of God's existence. this is a time when i fail usually so God help me.
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Oct 25th, 2009 04:48 am |
|
day four
I never like saying im being attacked by the enemy but i honestly don't think there is any other way to explain whats going on with me. i have been hit with sever depression and doubts. I doubt that god is real. Now I usually would deal with these doubts by going to porn. porn would numb them. i would never doubt God once i failed but doubt was...is one of the greatest causes of my failures. now I could use some prayer. no i have not failed. but i...i wish i was dead. im not suicidal but i get hit with depression, with doubt that death seems so desirable. this always happens to when i get serious about giving porn up so i think its the enemy or im just severly screwed up. Please pray for me. Please. no one i talk to really gets it when i say i doubt. i don't just doubt. it consumes me for no reason. everything god ever has done doesn't help me hold on and it feels like im drowning. i honestly love God. i really do. im trying not to doubt but i don't know.
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Oct 25th, 2009 05:51 am |
|
day five
Screwed up again...i don't even know what to do. i guess im going to start tomorow on day one...if i can say this i was kinda pissed off at God...I felt like he didn't help me and that he didn't care so part of the reason is i was mad. i was mad at him. i was mad that he was letting me doubt adn i was mad that he doesn't seem to answer my crys for help. not really an excuse but AH! my god just please forgive and help me.
|
TM2
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
| Posts: | 473 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Oct 25th, 2009 06:40 pm |
|
I've spent a lot of time angry at God and disbelieving in God, both.
For me, that anger and disbelief went along with a lack of faith, a lack of faith I couldn't at the time perceive. Intellectually, I believed in God. I knew a lot about church history and theology. In my head, I had the faith wired.
But I didn't have faith. At each of our liturgies, the priest says, "Let us commend ourselves, one another, and our whole life to Christ, our God," and we sing, "To Thee, O Lord." At each of our liturgies, I thought, "But not everything. There's a lot I'm still holding on to."
In order to make recovery work, I've had to do some pretty scary things related to faith. Stopping fighting and instead turning my temptations over to God and trusting Him with them has been an incredibly radical step, but a life-changing one. I've also had to accept that I have not only a vertical problem with God, but a horizontal problem with other people and an interior problem with myself, and that I therefore need to get psychological help and need to attend meetings and need to do scary introspection and engage in scary honesty with the people around me. This is frightening,a nd it, too, requires a lot of trust and faith, not only in God but in myself and in other people. But we can do stuff like this and live. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can live only if I do this stuff.
God loves us, and He forgives us. One of the things I found when I started into recovery was that the God that I thought hated me and stood at a distance was instead right beside me where He had been all along, loving me, weeping for me, waiting in patience until the day I could finally give up and surrender and trust Him.
We're not just sinners. We're also sick. And we have a responsibility to do everything in our power to get over the sickness, so that we can actually serve and trust the God Who loves us. We also have an obligation really to trust God: surrendering, ceasing to fight, starting to trust God with our lives, letting go the attempts to control.
I needed and need not just prayer, but also counseling and the support of other addicts, and hard work at introspection, and honesty with the people around me.
Is there more you can do in any of these directions? For me, these things are challenges every day, but every day I let go, I get a little healthier and a little more serene, and I become a little better servant of the God Who lifts temptation from me when I trust Him.
Be well,
Tim M.
|
Man
Member
| Joined: | Sat Aug 19th, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 1104 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Oct 26th, 2009 10:27 pm |
|
Hi Zach, I can recognize that with doubt. I think you are honest and brave. To scream Bible-verses is not very difficult.
____________________
May the Lord bless you all!
|
passymbolic
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Oct 26th, 2009 11:12 pm |
|
Why can't I find the lost innocence in me??? I gave my life to God,
Live like Jesus would....Read the bible, Praise and Worship
live the "Christian Life"
I know every sin I commit on earth I will give an account to God (
Christs Judgement Seat
Am I living a selfish ungodly life (watching porn) cheating on tests, tellling white lies) bc im listenig to lucifers lies ( Take it Easy ) Ur young only Once (Imitation Christian)
Watch porngraphy,,,Immense Creatively in Galotic Astronmonal Orgasms
YOu need it Girl
You havent been pleasured in decades....
YOu have time to get right when ur old and grey
Wrong!!!!! When its ur time to go..You are Judged
Its either Heaven or Hell Ur Pick
So go ahead enjoy ur destructive self sex
Remember you wont have ur Vibators in Hell
or Pornnos
|
passymbolic
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Oct 26th, 2009 11:15 pm |
|
24 days Walkiing in the Light of Christ....
I wont give up
I believe...I wont let Lucifer destroy my life and love
|
passymbolic
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Oct 27th, 2009 12:14 am |
|
i know how you feel. ive been fightin temptations, flesh, sexual sins since i was 9....
Dont give UP....Know That YOu will have A Crown of Life- Reserved Just for YOu
If you Fight the Fight and Live for God
ur name will be in the book of life
Ur soul is not worth eternity damnation
(Where the lost souls will be tormented day and night by Satan and his demons) Believe it or not there are millions of people burning in Hell right now...Wishing they had another chance to live for Christ. 2 late for them...Judgemnt is set......
You my dear are alive.......NOW...Choose
Christ=Life
This Life will pass and go away ....New Things are soon to come (Heaven)
for Us Belivers
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Oct 27th, 2009 12:19 am |
|
day one
I confessed to a friend of mine my addiction. he is an older man and a realy trusted friend. It was...i don't know. i was numb before i told him. I hated life hated me and i felt no remorse for my actions. i was over it, over trying. But confessing was in a way one of the best things i have done. My heart was broken not with just remorse but with being accepted by someone who i trust. I felt alive and like a could breath. I feel hope. its amazing. I don't feel alone and unforgivable. its weird...
|
truthseeker
Administrator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 1322 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Oct 27th, 2009 01:19 am |
|
Hi Zach,
I rejoice with you for the acceptance of your friend, and such a significant step in breaking the isolation trap.
TruthSeeker
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sat Oct 31st, 2009 04:46 am |
|
day four.
Havn't been able to get online which has been helpfull to the no porn thing. other than that i havn't been tempted till today. I guess its just a reminder not to get to comfortable.
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Nov 1st, 2009 05:18 am |
|
Day six
I am so tired right now. I just want to give up. Man, i just want to go to my sin right now. Just so tired. I don't want to fail though. i know with god's help i will not fail. Good new is though this is probably the longest gone for a while now. i usually fall around day four. if im lucky five. Tomorow marks a full week. Funny how it feels so much longer.
|
guitarist63
Member
| Joined: | Mon Feb 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 1337 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Nov 2nd, 2009 01:43 am |
|
Well done Zkoehn for managing all those days! Some weeks seem harder than others (in my experience). A day at a time is not a bad strategy but reminding myself of Psalm 37, v.23 helps with this struggle for purity.
Last edited on Mon Nov 2nd, 2009 01:44 am by guitarist63
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Nov 2nd, 2009 05:33 am |
|
day seven
Spent a crazy night with God. Man what a great way to mark the week.
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Nov 3rd, 2009 12:24 am |
|
Day 1
Yea i screwed up. Day number eight i failed. But one thing i know for sure is that God has forgiven me. I will not dwell in the guilt adn self hatred. I will not fall into despair. God has forgiven me and Who am i to punish what God has forgiven. I know ill give and account of this to him but i know his mercy is everlasting. I will be free. I will leave this sin behind and never look back. a full week is a lot longer that i have done in a very long time. This gives me hope. Please keep me in my prayers. i have my friend praying for me but you can never have to much prayer.
|
guitarist63
Member
| Joined: | Mon Feb 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 1337 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Nov 4th, 2009 01:08 am |
|
Zkohen, very glad to read your last post. There are ups and downs and the point I keep having to remind myself of is that God is with me always, whether it is an up or a down. I think that's why the psalmist of psalm 23 wrote "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no Ill for Thou art with me..." Of course, that means He's always watching but he knows we are flesh being changed by the power of His Spirit, if we yield to Him.
I am struggling to get past 6 days let alone 8. Keep going. You're right that one can't have too much prayer. Our whole lives ought to be full of prayer. I know mine isn't but I have seen the definite benefits.
God is good and He does love you, in spite of your faults. I am not saying we should live with the faults but we should not focus on them in a negative way to bring us into condemnation.
|
Current time is 02:44 am | Page: 1 2   |
|
RSS