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Peru
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Posted: Fri Nov 13th, 2009 07:43 pm |
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I know that my story may seem rather tame compared to everything that others have gone and are going through, but I just wanted to take advantage of this forum to post a resolution.
I recently read an article indicating that resolutions are more likely to be effective if they are made publically rather than privately so I'm making my resolution public. I resolve to go without porn or masturbation until my birthday, which falls on February 8.
I last masturbated almost a week ago on Saturday and I didn't look at porn during that incident. I don't remember the last time I looked at porn. Perhaps 2 weeks ago.
It hasn't been difficult for me, but really I feel almost certain that I won't go the full 3 months without some sort of accountability and that's what I'm using this forum for. Basically my wife doesn't like that I look at porn because she worries that I might like the other girls better than I like her and she doesn't like that I masturbate because she assumes that I'm fantasizing about someone other than her. She probably has a point about the fantasy thing.
So I resolve to check in regularly and go until my birthday without failing and then perhaps I'll see if my relationship with God has improved and see how I feel beyond that.
Good luck to everyone who struggles with any kind of addiction. Thanks for listening.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Nov 13th, 2009 09:36 pm |
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Hi Peru,
Welcome to BG, and praise God for the strides toward purity you have already made.
I will be posing some hopefully thought-provoking questions, but they are strictly for your own contemplation.
This is only kind of public, so have you shared your resolution with your wife? If so, did she have any concern about the limited duration of the commitment? I am guessing that you are focusing on a small segment of time in order for it not to seem so overwhelming. If you didn't share it with your wife, why not? I surmise that it could be because you would rather surprise her with success, than be tempted to lie to her or face her disappointment should you fall short of the goal.
How would you feel if your wife had been doing the same things? Though it is the heart that should matter much, much more than external beauty, we women are still very fragile in regard to our appearance. Even if no one else on the planet thinks we are beautiful, it is utterly crushing to think that we are not even beautiful to our husbands. It does not have to be a physical affair to feel like an affair to your wife, and Jesus likened lust of the eyes to adultery in the sermon on the mount.
If decisions are based on feelings, rather than the Word of God, spiritual growth will be hampered. It is probably deep-rooted feelings from childhood/adolescence that have drawn you in to this self-focused activity. Until you identify and dig up those roots, perhaps even with a counselor, freedom may remain elusive.
Ceasing self-gratification is a good way of removing an impediment in your relationship with God, but please don't stop there. Prayer, Scripture reading, and fellowship with other believers are key components of growing closer with God.
If you haven't seen the movie Fireproof, I highly recommend it.
TruthSeeker
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Peru
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Posted: Mon Nov 16th, 2009 03:15 pm |
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As you may have guessed by my user ID and the quality of my English, I live in Peru, but I'm not Peruvian. My wife, however, is Peruvian.
She and I used to watch porn together, but she started feeling bad about it and has stopped. She asked me to promise her that I would never do it again but, as you know, that is far easier said that done. I think she has simply resigned herself to the idea that I will do it from time to time but I know she doesn't like it.
I think it's been maybe 3 weeks since I last looked at porn and it's been more than a week since I last masturbated. So far it hasn't been exceptionally difficult, but I must say that right after I made the resolution I suddenly became acutely aware of every place that porn is sold. As I walked down the street I noticed various shops that sold stuff like that but I wasn't white-knucking it as I walked past.
The reason why I chose a limited duration, time, and deadline is to ensure that I don't slip up. After all, if the goal is to go for three months without porn or masturbation then it becomes easy for someone to rationalise a lapse based on the idea that they can start again tomorrow. I, however, cannot start again tomorrow and still have three months' time under my belt on the day of my birthday. I lurked for awhile on the board before posting to see what it was like, what the other people were doing, and some of their slip-ups.
I've never heard of the movie you talked about. Could you provide a link or more details?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Nov 16th, 2009 04:07 pm |
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Hi Peru,
Fireproof is a movie about a firefighter and his wife who have developed challenges in their marriage, and how they worked through them. I'm not sure what your best source of movies is in Peru, but if there is a rental place that has American movies, they might have it, or you could try a site like Amazon or Christianbook.com.
TruthSeeker
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Peru
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 05:54 pm |
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It's the 19th and I'm on course. Strangely enough I have the greatest desire to masturbate right after having sex with my wife. I wonder why that is ...
No real problems to report. I think the accountability here is helping and I'm grateful to the forum for that. I've also resolved that before I can fall off the bandwagon that I must gorge on chocolate first - two kilos at least. So if I feel some overwhelming urge for pleasure, chocolate should do it, shouldn't it?
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Peru
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Posted: Tue Nov 24th, 2009 09:19 pm |
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| It's the 24th and I am on course. I really felt like masturbating last night because I was tired and couldn't sleep. My son kept crying and waking me up and it was almost midnight. I knew that if I did it that I would be sleepy afterwards. I didn't, tho. It wasn't a strong sensation ... not lust-like, just a things-would-be-so-much-easier-if-I-did-it kind of feeling.
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Lost2009
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Posted: Sat Nov 28th, 2009 01:26 am |
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Hi Peru,
I want to help if I can from a recovering sex addict. A few months ago I told my wife about my addiction that went on over the last eight years. In February I made a commitment to God that I will stop this and my first step was to not set a time frame as a goal because I have done that in the past and just made me feel ok, this is the time that I can do porn again. Do not end up like me I almost lost everything and everyone I loved.
Steps that helped'
1. Find God and use his strenght
2. Be honest to your wife now and tell her everything and ask her to help you on everything.
3. Live one day at a time like it was your last enjoy your child and wife and use them to beat your addiction. Ask for help instead of mastrubating think of your life and your family. Do not set time table it just leads you failure
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Peru
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Posted: Mon Nov 30th, 2009 07:29 pm |
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Thanks for the tips.
Well, everything has gone smoothly. I only started having trouble on Friday. I don't know why but I got a spam e-mail and for some reason I decided to open it and click on the link. Immediately I started thinking ... what if it's porn? What will I do? It wasn't ... but I immediately started doubting myself. Did I open it hoping it was porn? What would I have done if it had been porn? Then I started feeling tempted... I prayed and everything seemed to pass, but I went the whole weekend with on and off desires to do wrong things. When my wife left on Saturday morning to go pay the water bill, immediately the thought entered into my mind that this would be a perfect time to masturbate. I hung tough. I've been "sober" for more than three weeks. Things are going reasonably well. I've never kept track before, but this may be the longest I've ever gone.
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Lost2009
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Posted: Mon Dec 7th, 2009 01:39 am |
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| Sounds like your doing well. It will be tough your mind is programmed to be this way and you have to reprogram it and that takes time. I found well if I just stood away from a computer unless necessary and then I would ask my wife or wait for my wife to be around. Like I said just take it one day at a time dont worry about tomorrow just worry about right now. Find your self write a list on what things you always wanted to do that porn has not let you. Live your life with respect to your self and be strong
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Peru
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Posted: Mon Dec 7th, 2009 02:24 pm |
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| I really suffered over the weekend and I think I know why. The goal is to go for 3 months until my birthday free of porn or masturbation. However, there's nothing sacrosanct about 3 months. The temptation has constantly been with me to indulge now and cut it down to 2 months by the time of my birthday. My birthday falls on the 8th so today (the 7th) could be a very hard day with constant rationalizations encouraging me to give in. I think that once I make it through today that tomorrow will be relatively easy.
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Peru
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Posted: Mon Dec 14th, 2009 03:08 pm |
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As I said before, I posted my resolution here because the article I'd read said that making a resolution public was more effective. I have to completely agree - it is more effective. I'm certain that I would have already slipped up if I hadn't made the resolution public and promised myself that I'd check in from time to time.
Realistically, however, just "not acting out" isn't giving me the results I had hoped for. Things got kind of weird on Thursday night as I was in a Burger King and there was this homely girl there, pencil-thin, with tight white jeans on and red high heels. She wasn't even remotely attractive and she had an average body, but I spent at least 10 minutes in the restaurant looking at her legs and butt and thinking, "I would so do that."
I went home and had sex with my wife and then the next day I thought about masturbation all day long with a kind of an obsessive feeling to it. I even went on Google and tried to "accidentally" stumble upon porn. Good ol' Google Images... no nudity in any of the casual searches I did. No, if you want porn you have to actually go looking for it.
So I went home and I talked to my wife on Saturday and I told her kind of the situation I was in and what I was going through. She was worried and asked if I'd masturbated and I told her no. I thought about masturbating all day Saturday.
Then, on Sunday, I had a horrible headache and so I wasn't tempted to masturbate because I thought it would just make my head worse. At night I finally felt better and immediately I thought I should masturbate. I went through my computer looking for porn (I don't have an Internet connection at home). No porn in my computer ... I erased it all before I even started this thing. I looked in every nook and cranny. Nothing.
I know I would have masturbated if my wife hadn't been right there in a position to catch me. My wife and I had sex again on Sunday night and now I'm at work. I don't feel tempted at the moment, but I just have a certain calmness and a perspective on the matter.
Sure I'm not doing anything wrong, but I'm sure God wants more from me than just bodily compliance while my mind is somewhere else. I've been thinking that once these 3 months are over that I should reward myself somehow... prostitutes, good porn, etc. keeps popping to mind.
So I've decided to take it to the next step and I'm seeking medication to help me. I've done some research on the web and I've decided to try to get some nortrexone (or is it naltrexone?) and see if it will help me.
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Lost2009
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Posted: Mon Dec 14th, 2009 03:40 pm |
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Hi Peru this is Lost2009's wife,
My husband has shown me your postings and his responses and I wanted to write to you and perhaps give you a wife's outlook on things as I think it may help in your future decisions. My husband has been addicted to porn for more than 20 years, we have been together for almost 13 years and when we were going out we use to watch porn together or look at porn on the internet together and I didnt think anything was wrong, I thought all guys did that. Then we moved in together and during the move he threw out some of his porn collection (2 whole boxes, not small boxes mind you, good sized ones) and kept one box...I still didnt think there was a problem.
But then we got married about 3 weeks after moving in and that's when things escalated and I realized wow, I think there's a problem...we were newlyweds but my husband didn't want to have sex with me choosing instead to wait until I went to take a shower, fell asleep or had to leave the house and he would go look at porn and masturbate to it instead of having sex with me, I have NEVER felt so ugly, insecure, sad and hopeless as I did then. Things only got worse as we would go days, weeks with no sex and when we did have sex I felt I had to act out the way the women in porn did in order to keep his interest and sex wasn't satisfying, it just left me feeling empty and used like I was just a "hole" for him to put his penis in and fulfill his needs whenever he wanted to and didnt feel like doing porn. This all went on and included strip clubs and God knows what else that I may not know about.
Almost a year into our marriage I found out we were having a baby, so we bought a house and moved in and as we were unpacking I found a credit card bill of his with a chanrge for what I knew was internet porn, he swore someone had stolen his card and used it...I knew better. He swore on our marriage and his love for me and looked me straight in the eyes as he said this and I just thought how can someone claim to love me and yet lie straight faced as if nothing was wrong. He promised he would never do it again, I asked if we could go to therapy and he did not want to, he wanted to work it out alone.
Fast forward to February of this year, I walk into our dining room/living room and he's looking at a porn video as our 2 kids are playing in front of him...I was DEVASTATED, I can't even begin to tell you how horrible I felt, how bad my heart broke, how I saw our whoel marriage flash before my eyes, how stupid I felt for falling for his lies again, how ugly and fat and unattractive. He swore that this was the first time since the last time I caught him but I knew better...It took him 8 months to finally get the balls to write me a letter telling me everything, from the using porn throughout our WHOLE marriage, never stoping when he said he would, going to strip clubs, knowing that he was doing porn but calling me crazy and psycho when I would ask him or bring it up. I am crushed, I am devastated and I hurt so bad. We've been trying to work on our marriage since then and it is not easy let me tell you. There are some days I look at him and wonder how I ever ended up in this situation, was I not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, anything?. I look at myself and I just see someone that's just pitiful, crying, trying to hold on to my husband and not lknowing if he's even really attracted to me, if I can ever be enough for him that he wont go back to this, I am crushed, devastated, hurt and in so much pain.
I beg you as a wife, knowing what your wife will go through, the pain she will feel, the years she will look back on and wonder what part of your marriage was true and what was a lie, I beg you please stop, tell her everything and ask for her help and be patient with her because she is going to hurt like she has never hurt before. Everything she thought she had with you was not so, her whole life will be turned upside down but you can help her and your marriage by being there for her and by SHOWING not just saying that you are ready and wiling to change. We get to a point where we no longer believe what you guys say to us because you don't follow through or they're just words to you, we need to see action.
I hope your wife will find peace and the strenght to go through this with you because it is a very rough road ahead, please as a wife who is devastated but trying to keep it together, tell your wife EVERYTHING no matter how painful and allow her patience and time to make her own choices, get into a 12 step program and see if she would attend a s-anon one for herself. SHOW her that you are serious about your recovery and try to understand the pain you have put her through.
Lonely1
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Peru
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Posted: Tue Dec 15th, 2009 06:08 pm |
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Thank you for your response. I will simply respond with two links:
http://www.aa-uk.org.uk/alcoholics-anonymous-reviews/2006/10/is-aa-effective.html
>if AA has any advantage over other treatments that do not carry its baggage of involving surrender to a higher power and asking his help with “character defects,” they haven’t yet been found in years of study.
http://www.mayoclinicproceedings.com/content/83/2/226.full
>When the patient finally returned to treatment, he was spending up to 8 hours a day online, masturbating until tissue irritation or fatigue ended the sessions. He had had several “hook-ups” with Internet contacts that included unprotected intercourse and was no longer intimate with his wife for fear of transmitting venereal disease to her. He had lost several jobs as a result of poor productivity from time spent pursuing his compulsions at the expense of work. He described extreme pleasure from the sex itself but equally extreme remorse about his inability to control himself.
>Within a week of treatment with 50 mg/d of oral naltrexone, the patient reported “a measurable difference in sexual urges. I wasn't being triggered all the time. It was like paradise.” His sense of “overwhelming pleasure” during Internet sessions was much diminished, and he discovered an ability to resist rather than submit to impulses.
So basically you'll excuse me if I consider naltrexone to be proven and 12-step to be unproven.
I did find naltrexone in the computers of some drugstores near where I work, but they didn't have any in stock. I think it's about 400 for a one-month supply, which is a lot, so it's something I'll need to review with my wife and determine if its worthwhile.
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lonely1
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Posted: Tue Dec 15th, 2009 10:20 pm |
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Hi Peru,
Well I wish you luck with this medication and I hope it works out for both you & your wife. While AA may not be scientifically proven as you say, it has nonetheless helped countless people in not only facing their "character defects" but also in coming to terms with what drove them to become addicted in the first place. It is not for everyone but it does help many.
In my humble opinion it was my husband actually coming to terms and facing his character defect that finally woke him up from denial about what he was really doing and how it was affecting and destroying not only him but also myself and our two small children. He was not only addicted to pornography and masturbation but also had severe anger which turned into verbal and emotional abuse towards my son & I.
I do not know what the extent of your addiction is other than just having read your posts but I just thought I would give you a spouses view of how it feels to know your husband is doing this. My intention was not to offend or make anyone go into defense mode, for all I know your wife has no issue with what is going on and has your full blessing and I apologize if I offended you in any way, just thought I would share a wife's hurt.
Have a blessed day!
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TM2
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Posted: Wed Dec 16th, 2009 02:07 am |
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I'm a little queasy about your use of the word "proven". Naltrexone has worked in one patient for three years for sex addiction. (I think there have been a few more studies, but not a lot.) AA has also worked in at least one patient for three years. It's hard to conclude much from a single individual. The Mayo Clinic study is certainly interesting and suggestive, but it's very early in the day. What you're proposing may well become common in a few years time, but right now, it's still pretty experimental.
I'm also not clear about what happens long term. There's no suggestion that the patient in the Mayo Clinic study will ever go off naltrexone; after attempting to taper off, he's settled on a maintenance dosage. Now, naltrexone is a pretty safe drug, and taking it for life may be fine; but a lot of us who have taken drugs to affect our brains have tried eventually to get free of them, often through some form of psychotherapy. Is the thought to stay on naltrexone for life, or to do some sort of inner work eventually to become free of the need for the drug? If the thought is to use the drug temporarily, as a way to get sober initially while starting therapy, then I don't think it's clear at this point how often this is more effective than just doing the therapy by itself. This was true for the Mayo Clinic patient, but how general is that experience?
None of this is an argument against an interesting experiment. Personally, I'd feel better trying more conventional approaches before settling on taking a psychiatric medication for life, especially since I know that for me, my addiction is part of a broader set of psychological challenges. Further, my experience has been that starting to face my fears and my isolation and my need to control is making a gigantic improvement in my life and relationships.
That's just me and my recovery, of course. There's no reason yours should work the same way. Do keep us posted on what you end up doing to overcome your addiction, and on how it works.
Tim M.
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Peru
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Posted: Wed Dec 16th, 2009 02:13 pm |
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I'm in line for a job that will involve me going to a mine. If I get the contract, I'll end up spending two days a week about 7 hours' distance from my wife and kids. Obviously that could be a serious recipe for trouble. If I decide to go with naltrexone, I'll probably take it while I'm in the mines.
As far as I understand, naltrexone works by preventing you from feeling pleasure. I read about it years ago related to alcohol and was sure it would work for sexual addictions. Recently I thought about it again and I am pleased to see that there's a study now to back up what I had already figured out.
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TM2
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Posted: Wed Dec 16th, 2009 03:00 pm |
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I relate to travel being hard.
That's very different from the guy in the Mayo Clinic study. Does it saturate the binding sites quickly enough that you can use it for that sort of short-term treatment? I'm more used to things like SSRIs and anti-epileptics that typically take a few weeks to build up therapeutic effectiveness and that can't just be used for a couple of days a week as needed.
Again, I'm just idly curious. Addiction obviously has a physical component, but I think the emotional and spiritual patterns we create to support our use of our drug of choice are also awfully important. I would certainly only want to consider pharmacological interventions in the context of a much broader project of addressing the emotional and spiritual problems that also have to be faced if I am to live the life I seek.
Tim M.
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Peru
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Posted: Wed Dec 16th, 2009 07:42 pm |
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Based on what I've read from the alcohol-related research the drug should be taken at least one hour before drinking. The drug is also available in a one-month injection form and a 3-month subcutaneous implant.
Basically my situation is nowhere near as bad as the guy who couldn't hold down a job because he couldn't stop himself from spending 8 hours on the Internet looking at porn and masturbating, which prevented him from getting any work done. Maybe he will never be able to go without the drug. Who knows?
I figure that being "sober" for a week or so, then taking the drug while in the mine and masturbating if I feel the urge could be beneficial. After all, if the guy said that on 150 mg he basically had full control (because basically he got zero pleasure out of porn and masturbation). I hope it wouldn't take more than a few weeks of letting myself masturbate and finding that I now found it no more fun than stroking my elbow. I hope it will cause my body to let go of the cravings and let me get on with my life. The main sticking point is the cost.
I've already proved I can go one month on nothing more than willpower. Still, like I said before, I don't think that white-knuckling it through while spending all day thinking about it is contributing to increased spiritual rapport with my Savior.
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TM2
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Posted: Thu Dec 17th, 2009 05:24 pm |
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My biggest worry wouldn't be the cost. My biggest worry would be that for me and for many people, addiction has pretty deep psychological roots. My self-image, my childhood experiences, my relations with family members, a lot of deep fears and regrets are all involved. As long as all that addictive personality structure is left intact, I'm at continuing risk. I need much more than a few months' respite. I need some pretty deep emotional and spiritual overhauling.
Before I got into recovery, I could sometimes white-knuckle it for around 3 months before relapsing. That much time away from acting out did nothing to keep me from falling back into my old ways. After I got into recovery and had somewhat over two years of sobriety and substantial serenity, I again relapsed. I'm still working to reach that long a period of sobriety and to keep going. I know people in this addiction who have slipped and then been unable to maintain long-term sobriety after 8 years clean. A friend of friends in AA went back to drinking after 45 years sober.
All those stories say to me that we don't get well by breaking the habit for a few months, after which things return to normal and we stay sober. In my life, normal never worked. Normal certainly never went with sober. I grew up into a pattern of addiction and hiding and shame and secrecy, of projecting a false image and of denying my own feelings. I didn't know any of that before I started to do hard inner work as a part of recovery, but I had a lot of hidden baggage that has shaped my whole life. That doesn't go away if I step away from active addiction for a few months. Obviously it didn't completely go away after several years of really substantial growth and therapy and step work and sobriety. I still have more to learn, more to strip away, more to release and surrender. That's a path of great joy, but also a path of very hard work.
I've been able to find and to begin to walk that path without medications. Perhaps for others and in the future, medications offer a better basis on which to begin that path. But I cannot imagine, for myself at least, managing to stay sober without a great deal of psychological work with other people. Drugs may make it possible to get sober enough to think clearly and to begin that inner work, but I think that for a lot of us, that inner work still has to happen. Our problem is physical, emotional and spiritual; and any purely physical solution is a temporary half-measure.
That's just my experience and understanding, of course; but if it were me, I'd be treating the drug as an adjunct to facilitate the real work.
For me, too, several decades of fighting an obsession with porn did not bring me closer to God. I think I needed that experience to bring me to a place of sufficient desperation that real communion and surrender began to be possible, though. For me, a drug that wiped that obsession would just have left me free to continue an unexamined life of formal, intellectual belief, and never to find real trust and surrender and faith.
For me to have relied too much on a chemical solution - which would have been very easy for me - would have been spiritually catastrophic; and I'm not persuaded it would have brought me real transformation and sobriety. That you might turn out to be like me would be the big worry I'd have. The cost is nothing in comparison.
May you and I be very different, then.
Tim M.
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