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zkoehn
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Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 01:26 am |
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| Not doing so great right now. It was the seventh day without porn but i failed. I am depressed and need to know if there is hope for me. I honestly love God. I don't doubt that i am saved but i do doubt i will stay saved with this sin in my life. I hate that i dis honer god and i hate that i fall into this. I am running out of hope. Please pray for me. Pray that i get back up and don't stay down. Thats one of my problems. I will stay when i fall for a while. just pray. i know i ask that in pretty much every post but i despereatly need it.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 01:59 am |
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Hi Zach,
Our Bible study this evening was the latter third of Romans 8. The Spirit will help you pray when you don't have the words, and absolutely nothing can separate you from God's love.
Praying...
TruthSeeker
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TM2
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Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 12:25 pm |
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My own belief about addiction is that there is hope for all of us. I know people who have been sober for many years in SAA; I know people who have been sober for several decades in AA.
My belief is also that we can't do it alone. I spent 30 years trying by prayer and willpower to get better, and I made no progress at all. I could manage a week or a month or three months a few times, but then I would inevitably relapse completely. In order to begin to find freedom, I needed to hit bottom, become willing to do absolutely anything to recover, and then develop whole new relationships with other people, with God, and with myself.
With other people, by starting to be honest and trust and listen and entrust myself to their care. I had to come out to the people closest to me. I had to believe the testimony of my fellow addicts in SAA and SLAA and to go to meetings and develop friendships with them and submit to their leadership and do scary things that were helping them and that might help me.
With God, by becoming willing to surrender to Him absolutely in the way I learned from the program, trusting Him enough to stop fighting and to turn my temptations over to Him, holding back nothing and being willing to do anything He asked, listening to His voice within me and believing He would speak and I would follow.
With myself, by doing some very scary things. Not burying my feelings, but walking calmly with the help of a therapist directly toward my fears, my shame, my self-doubt, my emptiness, my despair. Delighting in the adventure of feeling those feelings, of sitting with myself and understanding and admitting who I am, discovering that contrary to what I thought, this didn't kill me. Letting go illusions and the facades I hid behind all my life, and walking free.
I couldn't do any of that alone. I needed, and I still need, a lot of help from a lot of people. Needing people doesn't, in my opinion, diminish the importance of needing God. My addiction is a moral issue, but it's also a psychological condition. If I break my leg, I may pray to God for comfort, but I also go to the hospital to get help from people setting the bone. If I have mental health issues, I may pray to God for forgiveness, but I also work with human professionals to help me learn new ways to live. Not doing that works for me about as well as staying home and praying for God to put a cast on my leg.
I'm a little unclear about what you're doing right now in order to get better. If you haven't yet been willing to surrender in some of these ways, then I understand that completely. I spent 30 years in that state, hiding and struggling alone, praying for strength but unwilling to use the strength of my fellow humans all around me and really to trust the strength of God. For me, it didn't work a bit. It was 30 years in hell, and I mean that very literally. I needed those thirty years in hell in order to reach a point of desperation and surrender that allowed me to reach out to the hope that was all around me, and to begin to build the new life that had always been there for me.
I hope you reach that point faster than I did. Thirty years in hell is a pretty hard teacher. But I am absolutely convinced that for all of us, when we really give up, there is a new life waiting. My brothers and sisters in the 12-step fellowships who are finding that life in joy, one day at a time, are all the evidence I need.
Of course, my experience may not be yours. It sounds, though, like what you are doing now isn't completely working, and like you need to find some additional tools if you want to get different results than you're currently getting. May you find today whatever your own next step may be.
Tim M.Last edited on Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 01:43 pm by TM2
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 02:36 pm |
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HI Zach,
I wonder if the shortening days, the lack of daylight or sunlight is contributing to your struggle. I'm noticing that my mood is impacted by the amount of daylight, or lack thereof, that I experience. I notice that I am anxious and depressed for no good reason. I'm starting to question if I have seasonal affective disorder (SAD) or a sub-clinical case of SAD. I'm noticing that everything seems a little bit harder during these short, colder days.
Please don't be afraid to reach out to your medical doctor. Generally, they're awfully quick to prescribe pills, but maybe it would help you counteract the seasonal slump in mood and make your battle easier.
My best, Devastated Wife
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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zkoehn
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Posted: Fri Dec 4th, 2009 05:30 am |
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You asked me what im doing to get better. I spend a lot of time with God. Despite my sin I honestly love God with all my heart and im trying to learn to love him and honor him with my body. i go to church whenever i can. Sunday morning, sunday night, tuesday night prayer, wednesday night meeting, thursday night youthroup and anyother time i can to spend time with god and his people. I take long walks in prayer and i try to read my bible daily though i greatly fail in that area. i have confessed a large portion of my sin to a trusted adult whom i go to when i end up giving in. He prays with and for me. Ummm thats kinda all im doing, except for the 60 day course. Its kinda all i can do. Therapy is not an option unless i were to tell my dad or mom about my sin and i can't. I want to but i honestly can't. SAA meetings are not possible where i live. The electronic meetings i didn't realy understand how that worked cause im and incompetent at life. i have tried to give everything to god and i try to keep doing. So thats pretty much what im doing.
Devastated wife, your advice about medical help is not that far off from what i kinda need. I think I had clinical depression a while ago. I told my mom but she didn't believe me and said i would get over it. I had a few years of depression that would last for months on end. Thank God i think he is changing me. I still go through depression that lasts longer than most but through these times god has brought me truly closer to him. Once again, i don't think medical help is an option. my mom is not a fan of pills of any type.
thanks both of you for your encouragement and support and prayers. They are much appreciated.
Zach
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lkg4hlp
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Posted: Fri Dec 4th, 2009 10:32 pm |
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I know exactly how you feel. My parents were the same way. Now that I've started college, and the attempt to keep going, I find that my resources are a little more free. but finances are my road block now lol.
And don't worry about asking for prayer so much, you can never have enough. You need to get back up, don't be that person in their late 50's or 60's that's just barely caught on to what they've been doing and are now trying to change decades of bad habits. I go to 12 step meetings and that's mostly what I see. Marriages are torn up or ruined because of this. You can do this, with God's help, you can do this. Have faith brother and pick yourself up.
Beat this thing before it has a chance to mess with that family God has in your future.
I'm praying for you man.
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