| Author | Post |
|---|
lkg4hlp
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 01:55 am |
|
I don't know how exactly I should do this but I need to tell someone, my mind feels like it's about to break. My heart is so empty yet full of so much hatred and rage.
I'm trying to stay sober and I read this sights guidlines and I know I haven't met them for that I'm sorry. I know god sees all sin evenly but I'd gladly take the consequenses of masturbation over hooking up with some stranger.
I know that's not right but I'm loosing my mind here!
I hate the 12 step program I'm in because I'm tired of feeling so weak. I hate it. I can't do anything because it triggers me. I had some hope when I was getting sober but I messed up and it seems impossible to get back to where I was. I've been through so much pain that all I feel it hatred. the closest someone gets to getting a positive emotion from me, is emptiness or numbness.
I hate my home, I live with a brother who stubornly refuses to learn anything about what I'm going through and keeps sticking me with his stupid dogs. (sorry for any dog lovers out there but I can't deal with them right now)
I don't know what happens next, I saw some guy posting (what seemed like) everyday. Maybe I should do that. I hate my life so bad, 9 months that's how long this car crash of a crisis has been taking.
Please help and pray for me, I'm so lost right now I just feel...hopeless
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 02:37 am |
|
I know how you feel about the hopelessness and feeling weak. Its hard and it feels like you stuck in a hell isolated from anyone. At least i do. i feel separated from God and i think thats the worst part. I will keep you in my prayers. I like having a name when i pray though but if you don't want to say thats totally cool. I know its hard and i gave into porn today and i want to give up hope. But i wont and i don't want you to give up. God is good all the time, and he works out all for the good of those who love him. i struggle to believe it but its true. That includes us. He will work this out for both of us.
Don't give up. everytime i fail my friend tells me the righteous man falls seven times but keeps getting up when the wicked man stays down. have hope. Thats the one of the hardest things to have when life looses all beauty because of sin.
sorry for rambling. God bless and may He free us both.
Zach
|
lkg4hlp
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 02:45 am |
|
Thanks for the encouragement, i'll pray for you too. Quote was pretty awesome too
Chris
|
timeforchange
Member
| Joined: | Sat Oct 31st, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 7 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Dec 3rd, 2009 02:52 am |
|
Thanks for the post. It helps to express yourself here. At least I think so.
You are not alone in having these feelings. Every day I try to hide who I really am from the world and God while at the same time trying to live a difficult life without support. It is so difficult because it's not the way life is supposed to be lived. I will pray for you also.
Try to think of all the good things that have happened to you in your life. Not good like the feeling that comes from pornography, but the people you have met, the experiences you have had, the meaning you have found in things. This helps me live with a fresher sense of self. I do not think that I am better because of this, but I remember that all good things come from God and it gives me hope that I will someday see Him again and give my heart up to Him rather than the evil which controls temptation.
Always find the good in life, which comes from God. This is difficult at this point in time, but it will help us now and in the future.
Jon
|
lkg4hlp
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Dec 7th, 2009 11:40 pm |
|
okay so this would be day 3, I fell friday. I don't want to get too much into it. It was just the same mistake on a different day.
I decided to end a relationship with my ex-fiance. I can't handle talking to her. I feel too ashamed and worthless. I want to think that we'll one day get back together but I was in this postition before and the person made those same "I'll wait" promises but things change and I know that. I'm sad to see her go but I couldn't handle the disappointment.
today's been kinda smooth, I been reading the bible most of the day. I get distracted easily so I've also be doing little things too like chatting with old friends and checking my finances. I got christian rock and christian praise playing all the time. I kind of have to fight the urge to change to the station sometimes (I'm used to the sucular music and feel that comes from it) but for the most part it helps. My urges have been few and somewhat easy to deal with.
My brother, most of the time my only friend, went to jail today for ten days. I'm scared about these next days not really for him but for me. he's a smart and tough guy and I'm 100% sure he can handle himself no matter what. Me on the other hand gets easily angered and does horrible when alone...pray for me and I'll keep you updated.
Stand tall warriors of God.
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Dec 8th, 2009 01:08 am |
|
| You are in my prayers. I know thats not worth much but just know i am praying.
|
lkg4hlp
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Dec 10th, 2009 12:26 pm |
|
@ zkoehn: It's always good to know there are actual people praying rather then just knowing people in general are praying for you.
@ timeforchange: Thanks for the advise I'll try to remember it next time I feel the devil messing with my head.
Day 6
For me the day just started and if some stuff happens I'll be sure to post some more on the day but I thought I'd check in.
Lately I've been changing how my day works. I always do that whenever something like this happens and it's one habit I'm glad I have. I looked at what was lacking and what needed work in my daily routine and I began to change it. I'm starting to follow this simple rule: How ever much time I spend on a single worldly thing, I need to spend more with God. I'm still working on it but so far it has begun to draw me closer to him. I feel that love for him growing again. Also, since work is the most tempting time of the day for me, I play christian rock or praise music from the moment my shift starts to the moment I start my spanish lessons (the end of my shift). And i started looking for a therapist which was something I've been slacking on.
Also I'm trying this rubber band technique. You put a rubber band around your wrist and pop yourself with it when ever you start thinking about acting out. I heard in one of the Podcasts that it helped reduce acting out by 80%.
And my brother's dog is keeping me company, so thank God for that. I see why people love dogs so much. Sorry for the long entry guys just had some stuff I wanted to share.
Keep praying guys.
|
zkoehn
Member
| Joined: | Mon Aug 24th, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 32 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Dec 17th, 2009 03:01 am |
|
Hey man,
i just wanted to know how things have been going for you. Your still in my prayers. God bless and good luck.
Zach
|
lkg4hlp
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Dec 17th, 2009 08:26 pm |
|
Day 13
I don't know if I should start back at one or not, I've masturbated a couple of times but for me, acting out consists of having sex with someone. I'm not saying masturbating is okay it like my bottomline behavior. I'm working on it. I'd appreciate any thoughts on the subject.
I have a therapy appointment for jan 8 and we'll see where that goes.
I'm still feeling lonely but I'm working on it. I was listening to the blazing grace podcasts and one of the guys mentioned that if you're dealing with SSA that it helps to have a good male friend. I realized most of my friends were women so I'm starting to work on developing my male friendships which has been a little difficult. I don't really know how to go about doing it. I don't know why but the challenge is a little exciting for me.
Keep praying for me guys.
|
lkg4hlp
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Fri Dec 18th, 2009 09:06 pm |
|
thought about it and I need to restart my counter to day 2. read my previous entry if you want to know why.
I feel frustrated, and paniky right now and I don't know why. I hope this day goes by quick.
|
lkg4hlp
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Dec 21st, 2009 02:00 am |
|
Day 4
I'm doing okay, this weekend was great got to hang out with friends and family but when i got home this evening I remembered why I avoid coming home. I can't wait till me and my brother move to a bigger place. Maybe the urges to act out will get easier to manage. I'm planning on going swimming later tonight. Maybe that will clear my head. I also have to cancel a therapy appointment because I going with another therapist. If I had enough money I'd try them both out but I don't...so I wont.
I was worrying about if the therapist I'm canceling on would be pissed at me for canceling. I was worried about having to call him and deal with it. I ended up just calling him no and left a messaged on his machine. I feel bad like I should've told him in person or something. my mind nit picks at this kind of stuff. Drives me crazy sometimes but that's one of the reasons for the therapy. I need to figure out what's healthy and what's not for my mind. Right now everything is mixed up.
|
lkg4hlp
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 2nd, 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Dec 23rd, 2009 07:18 pm |
|
I hate this!
Day 1
I hate being so weak to this thing. I hate getting so caught up in things that I forget the tools at my disposal. I hate this! I'm lost and I don't see anything to help. I am my own worst enemy.
I hate this!
I'm so powerless against this!
|
Current time is 01:51 am | |
|
RSS