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captivatinghope
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Posted: Fri Dec 11th, 2009 06:42 am |
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This evening I spoke for around an hour to my husband's latest affair partner. I will say that this woman is honest, and grounded, unlike Ed's former affair partner who was anorexic and another predatory sex addict like Ed. Amber was sincere and I had the opportunity to hear the truth from her instead of hearing the "spin," and pathological lies from Ed. Amber and I have come to an understanding. While I believed Ed and I were beginning the road to reconcilliation, here now, in a ski resort with our two sons, the whole time, Ed has contacted Amber via phone and email more than one time each day. Both of us are completely baffled and perplexed with Ed. His lies have been acute, deceptive to the core, sociopathic. She has been damaged ---- I once again, have been damaged by his compulsion to lead a "double-life." Before the affairs, two now since 2006, Ed was engaged deeply in pornography and lying about it when I caught him --- trying to make me feel like "I" was crazy. The loads and loads and boxes of porno excalated into real live girls and/or seeking out real live women, as he did, on our sons computer, sites such as match.com and/or chemistry.com.
I want to understand what the missing link in his brain is that has Ed without morality, dignity, integrity, lie and mame other people's lives without remorse, or comprehension.
I sincerely would appreciate responses from men who have been there. I want to understand my current husband since I will have to deal with him because of my two young sons, no matter what happens to the marriage, for a very long time.
Thank you for your responses.
C.H.
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TM2
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Posted: Fri Dec 11th, 2009 10:11 am |
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I'm afraid that for me, the central issue has always been visual stuff, and that I don't have any direct experience about what it feels like to have an affair.
Tim M.
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winginitx
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Posted: Sat Dec 26th, 2009 01:21 pm |
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Well Captivatinghope, let me try and give you some male/Sexual addiction perspective on your question.
First of all, I was very much like your hub; the plethora of affairs, acting out sexual behaviors...all the while having a 23 year marriage and having a double life.
The real thing you have to understand about SA's is that it is not so much a choice to hurt you and the family as it is a psychological compulsion to sate a deep-seated emotional core need. SA is also how we avoid addressing our feelings. We think we are attuned to our emotional self and have keen feelings, but we act out whenever the slightest emotional pain re-visits us. So, please remember, it hasn't nothing to do necesarily with his love for you or his family, nor your ability to please him or be attractive for him. As a matter of fact, it has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you can do physically to abet this craving he has and feels hopeless to control.
Please understand, he has no idea what 'normal' sexual behavior or relationships are. Sure, he read about them and knows the general guidelines, but they feel foreign to him and goes against his natural instince. This is why SA's deal with so much self-loathing; somewhere inside they know whaq they are doing is morally wrong, but acting out sexually is a temporary salve for the emotional pain they enduring every hour of every day. Then, immediately after acting out, feel immensely horrible about their behavior, and then act out again to try and quell that pain. It is a viscious circle of pain and trying to deal with that pain.
That said, none of that is an excuse for acting out sexually. Got that? An alcohlic is a sick person, but there are consequences for driving drunk...right? SA's cannot use the excuse of childhood or adult pain to act out - which hurts them and others. Being an adult survivor of child sexual abuse, I felt that my victim status gave me a pass for acting out; It doesn't.
What happens CH is that SA's tried to re-invent what 'normal' is. We actualy question what is moral and right...and bend those terms to include our particular sexual behavior. This is the denial aspect of it where we build a case for our addiction...and make or force those who love to dance to our dysfunctional tune. Read these boards and you'll find wives who were talked into arranging paramours for their SA hubs and convincing them this was helathy...and all sorts of bizaree sexual behavior. It is not like SA's are conciously malicious in this - they actually think and feel this is good and helpful. It makes perfect logic to the SA in denial.
This denial stage is usually the last stage before bottoming out. Listen, there are some men who string this along for years and decades. But for those who have an inkling of sense and caring for their family or faith, they reach some point where they have to look in the moral mirror. Mine was when I convinced myself that I didn't have a problem and tried to quit for 30 days. No problem, right? No women, porn of MB for 30 days. I lasted for 5 days...and I had to be straight with myself and said that I have a problem.
CH, to stop what he is doing takes a concious choice to face intense pain - but such is required of the person. This is the type of pain that leads to a heathier life, but it is not easy.
My advice to is to have sympathy for him but hold him accountable for his behavior. You should insist of active recovery steps, including a 12 step program (SAA or Celebrate Recovery) and individual counseling. You not only do not have to endure this acting act (although please understand that this is a progress and relasping can occur) but allowing the infrastruturre for that to happen again is actually hurting him more.
If you have specific question, just ask and I will try to answer. You are in my prayers.
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captivatinghope
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Posted: Sat Dec 26th, 2009 05:12 pm |
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Mr. Win.....,
Thank you so much for your input. This Monday (after Xmas), I am filing for legal separation --- the attorney already has the papers ready for me to sign. I clearly see how Ed twists & contorts what is moral & what is right --- it's mind boggling to see & hear him as he explains "Amber" to me, "She's just a friend, we just went out together, we held each other --- that's not a big deal." Jeez! Come on! While we were both taking the time to heal? He hunts her down and begins ANOTHER affair? During a meeting, a one last chance for Ed to declare his intentions to our marriage (after a Judge issued an Emergency Protective Order for me after his alcohol related RAGE soon after our "reconciliation" family trip to the snow), Ed, toward the end of the meeting, did admit that he was "too much in a fog" to make major life decisions right now such as "divorce." This meeting took place with our Pastor and Deliverance Minister in whom we both have counseled with throughout this last year. I will give him the "grace" of a legal separation rather than divorce. Though, I specifically request from the Court that Ed must, for the sake of the boys, undergo individual & a group recovery program weekly --- he must though I know it is will be up to Ed to heal. Also in the legal Motion, I mentioned SA and the chaos it has brought to our home ---- the pain of my heart being jerked around deeply, excruciatingly and, more important, how the boys have been affected. After he found an office outside our home --- after I insisted that he have NO computer at our house, he used our 11 year olds computer to spend hours cruising match.com --- a singles dating site --- after he was professing that he wanted to heal our marriage and we were in counseling?!! The boys deserve a Dad who is not just "winging-it" making life up as his animal impulses control him like a puppet on a string. My sons! My heart bleeds for them! Their Dad has no moral grounding! Both counselors/friends/mentors who understand the insane dynamics of Ed's behavior are supporting me to have the boys around Godly men. Also, because I homeschool them, I have them listen to talks about marriages God's way ---- I have to explain to them that God made men to love their wives like Christ loves the Church and that women are to respect their husbands. Ed obviously doesn't know what love is. This man is successful, college educated, his parents were married for over 50 years, what happened to him? Why is he self-destructing himself and our family? For what? What is this obsession for "true-love" --- ??
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Sat Dec 26th, 2009 06:10 pm |
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Dear Captivating Hope,
One of the hardest things I've had to accept is that this addiction follows no logic. We see their behaviors through a lens of rationality that is not available to the addict.
A sex addict is capable of as much rational thought as is a cocaine addict. When I was struggling to understand this addiction, to impose some rationality on it, that's when my therapist said: "A porn addicted brain and a cocaine addicted brain are virtually identical on MRI. They're not logical. Stop trying to impose logic."
I will be praying for you and all those impacted by sexual addiction.
My best, Devastated Wife
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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captivatinghope
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Posted: Sat Dec 26th, 2009 08:55 pm |
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Dear Devastated,
Ed's irrationality has baffled so many -- like our Pastor who has been around thousands of people with issues -- especially his acute lying --- the total, outright deception. Here we were as a family, Ed & I counseled for 3 hours with Anna in regard to our reconciling after a 5 month separation before we go on our "reunion" trip, we drive to our trip to Utah, spend time together, make love, and the whole time he is emailing and calling Amber! There is something very very very wrong here. When I spoke with his new "other" woman, we both were pondering if indeed he has a personality split --- two separate "selves." She told me that he called saying he "missed" her, and was planning a "future" with her. This Monday, 12/28/09, I will file the "Legal Separation" papers. For 12 years I have lived in the most unhealthy, chaotic, horrible, demeaning, frustrating, disappointing marriage! No longer will I allow my sons to model their innocent lives on my sexually perverted husband --- addict or not. I understand addictions -- I have compassion in a sense for Ed --- but now, as a man, Ed must choose the low road or the high road, he must choose which elevator shaft he will depart from, will he continue to go way down to the basement? or, get off now? His depraved life is between Ed and Father God now.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Sun Dec 27th, 2009 12:20 am |
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Dear Captivating,
I recently read "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken. It may help you to understand the development of the split personality. There is definitely a split. The book is a short 120 pages. I couldn't put it down. It really does a bang-up job of explaining how addiction starts and blossoms. Recovery involves healing the internal rift, which is easier said than done.
May God Bless and keep you........
My best, Devastated Wife
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My best, Devastated Wife
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