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| Moderated by: truthseeker, bil4913 | Page:   1 2 |
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| sexual thoughts of my wife | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Sun Dec 19th, 2010 05:26 pm |
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21st Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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My comments are meant to bring the addict face to face with the self-delusion. The addictive process is based on self-delusion and we do the addict no favor by validating or perpetuating the self-delusion. tjb's posts are riddled with self-delusion. I believe my questions brought that self-delusion into sharp relief. He does show some evidence of clear thinking when he said something like " I want to identify the truth, and I am not sure yet what to believe." To me, that demonstrates a self-awareness, an awareness of the fantasy/delusion that accompanies addiction in general, sexual addiction in particular. My questions are meant to cause cognitive dissonance and to bring the self-delusion into sharp relief. It is not surprising that the addicts find that uncomfortable, even painful. To heal, the self-delusion must cease. Let me state clearly for the record: My husband has pulled every trick in the book. He lied/lies/is lying to me to this day. He initially blamed me, first directly then indirectly and covertly. Throughout the decades he made up faults in me to justify his behavior. He has been hyper-critical of me and made me justify my every move. As I understand it, that is nearly universal in addicts/addiction, sex addicts in particular. I suspect tjb is engaging in the same self-delusion as he seems desparate to pin some of this on his wife. I really appreciate Tim's wisdom: "In my marriage, it has been important for me to work on myself and to stop worrying about perceived flaws of my wife, remembering that anything she has done to me is a tithe of what I've done to her, that anger against her has been one of the big pieces of my addictive cycle, and that I'm called to give up control and to find peace regardless of what may happen around me." Peace to all.............
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Mon Dec 20th, 2010 10:08 pm |
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22nd Post |
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allalone Member
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"While ladies are not excluded from this section of the forums, it is a place where we must respond very carefully, as I would expect men to respond carefully should they venture in to the wives forum. Just because something may be true, or is our true opinion, does not make it productive to write here. If this thread continues in a downward spiral, I will need to seriously edit it. TruthSeeker" Sorry, TruthSeeker, but I have to respectfully disagree with you on this one. I've never looked at this site as having a "men's" section or a "women's" section. I came to this site to find information, to hear about the experiences of others and to get honest feedback from it's members (both addicts and spouses). I am very grateful that members have taken the time to respond to my questions and statements even though I may NOT have agreed with their opinions from time to time. Every person comes to this forum because they are dealing with sexual addiction in one way or another. While our experiences and backgrounds may be different, I challenge any one who claims the emotions are anything other than identical. "Just because something may be true, or is our true opinion, does not make it productive to write here." Why would anyone what to hear anything other than the truth? Isn't distortion at the root of this addiction? Isn't it time to take off the rose colored glasses and throw away the harps? Recovery from addiction is a life long process that takes hard work. AND THAT APPLIES TO BOTH THE ADDICT AND THE SPOUSE!!! I don't believe the problem is with members voicing their opinions rather it's with members taking opinions very personally. Come on people....wake up! When a member posts a statement or opinion, realize it's there for you to take or leave. None of us knows each other! We are all anonymous voices that are here to help gain some insight to a problem that is destroying lives. "Just because something may be true" When something is true...it needs to be said. Maybe if it's heard often enough, it may sink in. If you can't take the heat....get out of the kitchen, I believe that's the saying! Maybe if we all preface our posts with "In my opinion" then we can all play nice! If I haven't said it before....thank you to all members. I'm learning a lot about sex addiction and believe it or not, I'm learning a lot about myself too. Respectfully to all, AllAlone
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| Posted: Mon Dec 20th, 2010 11:36 pm |
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23rd Post |
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truthseeker Administrator 
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Hi all, If anyone feels any further need to discuss posting conduct, please do so in the General forum under the topic "Forum conduct," and permit this thread to reflect its author's direction. Even if you do not wish to comment, I ask that everyone read it and consider how your participation here can reflect Mike's purpose in establishing this site and forums. TruthSeeker
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| Posted: Tue Jan 4th, 2011 12:50 pm |
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24th Post |
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EnewD Member 
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All I could say is that anyone who has sinned has to be prepared to face all kinds of responses and that is part of the growing we need to do to live daily and face things daily,we can't hide from sin we've done but we can rejoice in Jesus name. Back on topic of the original poster,I think anything related to pornography must be shunned,any thoughts stories dreams etc which are similar to that of a video or movie you may of seen are not gonna help even if they do involve your partner. And what about this...me and my wife had made videos of us together and I had them stored on out computer in a safe directory,and as I struggled with pornography sometimes I thought hey I can watch those right? No I had eventually deleted them forever as I don't think it will do any good even though it is not a sinful act...watching it is too realted to watching pornography. I don't know if anyone else has any ideas on that?
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| Posted: Wed Jan 19th, 2011 11:32 am |
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25th Post |
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tjb Member
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As an update if anyone is interested, I have been able to stop my use of porn. I have had a couple times I failed in 6 weeks. I have also been able to stop what I was beginning to do and leave it before satisfying my lust. So in all I feel better about my vast improvement, but realize I must guard myself continually from slipping back into my old ways and sin. I have been able to stop my alcohol use also. In counseling I am realizing more the deep level of hurt I have caused my wife. In turn my wife has expressed repentance with her rejection to me which has occurred in our marriage. We were not treating either of ourselves with as much love as we should have done. We have made a decision to partially separate for a time to make changes in our own behaviors. I say partial because I am still present 3 - 4 days a week to be with the children and talk with my wife. I am good with the idea of our separation because I feel that we will return to each other stronger and recommitted to each other. In all I would like to thank this message board for the tough love. It did not feel good or fair at the time but I wasn't very clear in my thinking either. In it all though I have realized that this wasn't an addiction for me, I don't think addiction would be controlled as quickly as it has so far. Still I have a long road to a healthy marriage and with God's help I will make this change permanent. Peace to all
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| Posted: Wed Jan 19th, 2011 02:10 pm |
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26th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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You are welcome, tjb. I wish you well and success in your struggle. My best, DW
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Sat Nov 5th, 2011 01:47 am |
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27th Post |
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SALVADOR Member
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Hi tjb, I have very much similar to your post or your situation at present. I have been controlling myself not to mastubate. Im away from my wife already for 2 weeks now and will be away for the another next 6 months. Our marriage is really same story like yours. Building back the trust. Im a drug addict and drug pusher, being drug addict you already do every vices named in this world. Like adultery, lust, stealing or all of the above in the 10 commandments.. I was place to rehabilition twice already and my last spent one year until last september this year only. During the program at the rehab we had a chance to have a dialogue. My wife forgave me all my sins laid down on the table including being unfaithful to her for 23 years of our marriage. To be guilt free and start a transparency relationship. Miraculously prayers being answered and thankful to God for giving my wife a forgiving heart. Inside the rehab was very strict and tight that you cant even have your personal moments. It means no vices including masturbation for 1 year. So when i went out reunited with my wife this september 2011. Ahemmm After a bit of adjusting inside my house. Fire crackers begun. We made loved that we never made love like it before.. To cut my story short, we left philippines for vacation and travel to chicago and so so and our sex never stop everytime there is a private room for us.. But now we are not together for 2 weeks since i left for las vegas and misses her so much which full of lustful thoughts about her. I'll be going home to the philippines ahead leaving my wife for awhile for another 4 to 6 months.. Now our clarification and seeking continues with me.. Should we continue our self control without sex or masturbation. Another question is it safe for our health not to release for days, months or years ? Tjb your not alone now with you clarification. But i know nothing will be impossible with God.. There is a video in youtube " how great is our God" i recommend you to check seek for it.. Also BG is a home God made to farther seek the truth.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 5th, 2011 01:40 pm |
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28th Post |
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Man Member
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I want to say that I don't think it is right to share people into two groups; Addicts and non-addicts. I think all people fail.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Sat Nov 5th, 2011 03:52 pm |
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29th Post |
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guitarist63 Member
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Good point, Man.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 5th, 2011 05:20 pm |
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30th Post |
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Man Member
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Thanks, I think that when people sin against me or do something wrong to me, it is their problem, but when I do not react on that in a proper way it is my problem. So when one person is hurt that person might hurt other people that again hurt other people and so on.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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