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empty
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| Joined: | Sun Nov 29th, 2009 |
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Posted: Tue Dec 22nd, 2009 08:27 pm |
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| I understand the need for an accountability partner and that it should be another trusted male, however, what is my role in accountability? Am I supposed to know when there are slip ups? I expect that it will happen, is that supposed to be told to me? We were discussing it last night my husband feels that slip ups are apart of him dealing with it and as long as he repents to the Lord and moves forward, then there is no need to let me know, he says he's not sure it is healthy for me or our relationship to know every detail. I understand that, however, I feel lied to when I find out after the fact that something has happened. That is what he has told me in the past, that he is dealing with it on his terms, and I have let him, only to find out later on that he wasn't being honest and dealing with it. He is right though, that it is very hurtful to me when he makes a mistake, but isn't that also a part of the healing process? He needs to see that his actions are actually hurting another individual, doesn't he? What are the guidelines for accountability to the wife of an addict? What does he need to tell me and when/ how often?
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mustardseed3
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| Joined: | Tue Oct 20th, 2009 |
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Posted: Wed Dec 23rd, 2009 01:19 am |
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Hey There !
My husband & I have been dealing with finding the truth and mending our broken marriage for 6 1/2
months now. It does seem to be getting much better just recently. It's been the hardest time I've ever had to live through. But accountibility is what he's been lacking in our marriage because I trusted him and therefore his "secret " could flourish and do alot of damage to the people who love him and himself. Sin needs to be in the dark secret places to keep it's hold on someone.
You are living exactly what I have been going through. The conversations I've had with my husband sound the same ( do they have a script they follow and pass on? ). My husband just recently understood that if he is going to rebulid any trust and respect from me ( which is directly related to saving our marriage ) he must be totally up front and honest about his life and what he does or doesn't do and yes, even how he feels. He has an accountibility partner, but I'm his life partner, The person he needs to be the most intimate with ( besides God, of course ). I hate having to ask, but I want to deal with the truth, not my imagination ! So, I ask the hard questions and pray I get an honest answer. He knows that being truthful with me will mend our broken marriage and reestablish the trust that as been lost. Any lie will set us back and if it continues it will end our marriage. Love the sinner. Hate the sin. I truly hate lying, it doesn't get you what you want and it hurts everyone around it. I don't know any exact formula for holding him accountable, I try to follow God ( or my Gut ? ) He needs to give you anything you really need to know, you have to decide what you need to know to feel you can trust him. I've changed my focus to the present instead of the past (at least for now ). He is much nicer about me asking, but he wasn't at first. I think you have to follow what you think is right for you - just keep going to God, not your husband - with why you need to know what. I don't want to be his mother!
I just pray that maybe something I've said has helped. I know I was so desperate for answers - It's good to have somebody out there who at least. understands. May God be with you and yours.
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itwillgetbetter
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HealingHeartsClub
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Posted: Sat Jan 23rd, 2010 03:01 pm |
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Hi empty.....I'm so sorry for your sad sign in name and what you have to endure, and am sad to say that I know exactly what your going through.
Just like mustardseed3, your living with and having to deal with exactly what I went through. On 5th August 2008, which was my second wedding anniversary) my husband confessed to me that he had been into male public toilets, and on 3 occassion had oral sex with strangers, then I found out the full extent of his addiction and was devastated to say the least.
It's been 18 months of pure hell, and I can honestly say thta without the love of christ, my husband and I would not be here to together.
Mustardseed3 is completely right, your husband must be accountable to you and on your terms. Your trust has been violated in the worse way, your still there with him, willing to heal your marriage, and it is his duty to give you all that you need to bring your trust back. My husband and I had many arguments about him being accountable to me, he had an accountability partner but did not feel that he had to tell me everything. I demanded that he did, because just like you when I found out later, I just felt like he was still continuing to lie, knowing what was at stake, our marriage and family. Yes it's hard to hear what he has to say, but I want to know and feel that I have to know, because his addiction is now part of our marriage, without truth, the lying just gets easier. Where do you draw the line at what he tells you and what he doesn't, for me there is no line and I want to know everything, actions as well as thought, because that's the only way I will feel that I know him, the real him which includes the addiction he battles every day.
You know how much you need to know, and that can and will change, so today you may not want to know but tomorro you will, and your husband has to understand that because you are on an emotional roller coaster right now. And do not feel guilty about feeling the need to know everything, the tears you've cried should show break your husbands heart, and he should never want to cause you that hurt again, and for me that hurt came from the lies which had been the biggest part of our relationship, I felt that I was married to a man I didn't even know.
18months on and my husband and I are slowly re-building our marriage, based on the love of christ and complete truth on both sides. I have started HealingHeartsClub ( healingheartsclub.co.uk ) as a support group for wives of sex addicts in London, England as there is very little support for spouses of sex addicts amd very little awareness of the issue. The things us wives have to endure are all so similar, just as the things our husbands have to endure are similar, and we can support each other in our worse times. How amazing is it to have girlfriend who understand exactly what your going through, can encourage you and let you know that everything will be ok, you can cry aswell as laugh at the words you read on you screen, but when you shut your computer down you can go away knowing that there is someone out there who knows and feels your pain, will be praying for you every second of every day.
Just stay in the presence of God, when your angry then let him have it all, when your sad cry your eyes out and let him have it, when your happy just smile and let him have it, because that's all Jesus wants of us, and his love will amaze you.
Much love and prayers always
Caroline xxx
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InnerGold
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Posted: Thu Mar 4th, 2010 05:22 pm |
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If I may, I would like to share an excerpt from a letter received from one of the spouses of an addict (taken from our book, The Language of Recovery) that will hopefully help you:
"After finishing the book, I had two feelings: the first was that it would be perfect for addicts, but the second was that from the point of view of the “loved-one of the addict” I can see a spouse or parent finishing the book and then asking “But what about me? How am I going to recover?” Support and validation are very powerful. ...
As an aside, I have spent a great deal of time thinking of my ‘process of recovery,’ for what it’s worth I wanted to share with you my thoughts. (This exercise is probably more for me than anything else.) I believe that I had to use and understand the ‘five keys’ ( that you outlined in your book in a dual manner. I needed to learn and understand all that you detailed in your book for the addict so I could understand and help in all that my husband was going through, but then I had to apply it to myself as well. Here is a very brief description of my ‘own’ journey of recovery.
First I had to learn acceptance. I had to accept the fact that I was married to an addict. (Not easy.) Then I had to surrender. I had to surrender to the fact that he could not do this on his own, AND that this was NOT his fault.
The addiction was not my husband. I also had to surrender to the fact that WE could not do it alone either. We needed both divine help and professional help.
Next, I had to gain a new kind of awareness. Just as my husband had to learn to recognize the addictive voice, I had to be able to recognize the tempters voice, and my Super Ego. Satan knew that my husband’s addiction had ‘weakened my armor’ and knew exactly where to shoot his ‘fiery darts.’ ... Satan ... used a ‘back door approach’ and riddled me with an amazing amount of negative ‘critical’ thoughts meant to undermine my own choices and our marriage. I had to be aware that this was what was happening and then I had to use mindfulness strategies to combat these negative thoughts...
Lastly, all of this could not have been accomplished without the underlying foundation of faith. As with all things, it was faith that got me through and continues to sustain. Through turning to our Father in prayer and through the scriptures I gained great strength and insight. ... one particular chapter that has been my keystone…my ‘title of liberty:’ - 1 Corinthians 13
“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity."
– Sincerely, (Name Withheld)
The five keys she addresses are: Acceptance, Surrender, Awareness, Mindfulness & Mental Force and Faith
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Changing the World One Person at a Time - Gain hope, confidence and long-term sobriety. http://innergold.com
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