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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Mon Dec 28th, 2009 09:13 pm |
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For many of us who learned quite by accident that our husbands were sex addicts, the label "co-dependent" doesn't seem to fit. I didn't know what my husband was doing. I didn't enable. I didn't make excuses. I did haul him to marriage counseling not once, but twice during our 23 year marriage, complaining of telltale classic signs of porn addiction. Neither of the therapists put it together. I complained, spoke clear unequivocal English, hauled him to marriage counseling, and still, I'm labeled a "co-dependent."
I have a problem with that.
If you are struggling to deal with the initial shell shock, perhaps Marsha Means "The Accident" will help. It is available here: http://www.awomanshealingjourney.com/articles/viewArticle.php?articleID=23
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Babette
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| Joined: | Wed May 5th, 2010 |
| Location: | Portland, Oregon USA |
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Posted: Tue May 11th, 2010 11:18 pm |
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Did your therapist mean that you are co-dependent in marriage in general, versus being specifically enabling to a sex addict?
I can for sure say that I am/was an enabler. I knew he used porn and chose to not investigate because I decided it was his own personal problem. I did not want to be in the role of porn cop
, so I decided it did not matter to me, did not affect me. Now I am navigating depression and numbness.
But you, D.W., sound really fiesty. Co-dependents would rather do anything than fight. We avoid confrontation at all costs. Co-dependents also smooth everything over, carry huge burdens without complaining and take pride in being 'strong women' who hold it all together.
Also, I was raised by a very co-dependent, enabling mother. So I find my behavior is a lot like hers, and my husband is much like my dad. Men who are like overgrown teenagers.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed May 12th, 2010 02:00 am |
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Dear Babette,
Upon learning that I presented seeking help dealing with the realization that my husband was a porn addict, the therapist just automatically assumed that I was co-dependent. He prescribed the book "Women who love too much." He just assumed. You know what they say about "assume." And while I see glimpses of myself in the book, I don't think it's truly me. Upon listening to how I reacted to my husband up learning the truth, upon seeing us interact in therapy, and learning that I went to graduate school in mid-life, simultaneously earning a masters degree, a JD and passing the bar, I think he gave up trying to categorize me. We are no longer seeing this therapist. He pronounced us "cured." Riiiiiight. I think he didn't know what to do with me. Whatever.
You say that I'm feisty....and I agree, I'm feisty. That's being kind.
One of the earliest problems in our marriage was the fact that I wanted to talk things out, argue things out, get it out and deal with whatever the issue du jour may have been. My husband was and still is incredibly confrontation-averse. He won't talk about or argue about anything. I would rather fight it out, argue it out, talk it out than let "it" whatever "it" is fester. He would rather lift up the rug and sweep it under....there is a veritable mountain under our rug. I enabled to the extent that I let him do that. I let him escape the confrontation or talking about our issues....and here we are. Escape is no longer an option. He will talk to me. He will meet my demands for meaningful conversation or he is out. Period. NEXT.....
And I am still very angry. Initially he tried to blame me directly and overtly for his activities. I shut that down in a nanosecond. He then switched to trying to blame me indirectly and covertly by twisting every situation so that he could play the part of the victim---blaming me indirectly and covertly for his victimization. Nice try, swing and a miss. Our therapist, the one we are still seeing, started to buy his BS. I had to set them both straight. Confrontation doesn't threaten me. It's how things are resolved. So.,.....here's what I know:
I didn't know about his porn. I would have never tolerated it. He brought it into the marriage. I do believe it is adultery. I believe I entered this marriage under false pretenses. I believe the marriage is voidable because a fraud was committed against me for which there is no other recourse. I also believe if I serve no other purpose in the forum other than to help women stand up for themselves, to see themselves as the victim, to stop thinking about everyone other than themselves, and to point out the fallacies in their thinking and any "thinking" their husbands are doing, then I want to believe I'm making a contribution. I have a zero tolerance for the men who abuse their wives and children in this way. They are self-centered arrested adolescents. I hope to help every woman who is touched by this addiction to see through the nonsense....and directly to the heart of the matter. I am not perfectly prescient. I am not omniscient. I have walked in the shoes for 23 years. That experience has given me a lot of insight.
Sign me, A specialist in spine implants
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LindaBeans
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| Joined: | Mon Nov 16th, 2009 |
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Posted: Sat Aug 7th, 2010 05:35 am |
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Egh, i was categorized as a co dependent by my husbands therapist. She is a student studying to be a therapist that specializes sex addiction because of personal experience. And because she is my husband therapist she has to side with him :/ Well after she said that i really didn't know what that meant, but i looked it up and it pretty much says i play the part of a victim or a bully.
Now my husband complains about me always trying to make everything his fault or bringing up the past just to start trouble. When it's not even it. I know myself, and i know im not cruel like my family where. I don't like or love to trouble people. I've been known to be the guardian angle type and that is always avoiding trouble and a push over. I mean after a wonderful sunday morning service i decided to speak up and say what is bothering me and actually stand up for myself, because if i don't i'll go crazy with thinking, im always wrong, everything i do or say is wrong and also i need to love myself and stick up for my feelings.
I speak up for my sanity, i speak up because now it's not all about him, im involve too because i choose to. I ask question and i want to be involve with his recovery.
But he's so convinced that im crazy with co dependency. I cry to much, i beat around the bush to much, im not considerate of his feelings, im always trying to be the victim and the accuser.
It's hard to deal with :/ but im working and praying over it, and asking god to keep my head on straight and to watch over our marriage.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Mon Aug 9th, 2010 07:29 pm |
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Dear LindaBeans,
Sanity returns when you stop living your life around his. Remember: You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it. It's not about YOU.........it's about HIM..........no matter what he says or how he tries to make you take the blame.
It really sounds as if he is being emotionally abusive, trying to make you think you are nuts to take the pressure off of him to recover.
Don't allow it.
Don't take any of his BS.
And I'd tell him precisely what to do with the orange peels....and no, that's not "Throw them in the garbage can." Please don't be a doormat. Stick up for yourself. You know in your heart what is right. He's an addict desperately trying to blame someone else, minimize what he's done, and deflect attention elsewhere. Tell him you won't play the game anymore.
My best, DW
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My best, Devastated Wife
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