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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Tue May 11th, 2010 03:23 pm |
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After the revelation of my husband's 23 year affair with porn and masturbation, I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I suppose it provided "comfort" at some level, but for me, I stopped caring what my husband thought of my appearance. It was clear that the YEARS, no DECADES of self-denial in an attempt to remain attractive were for naught......so I allowed myself to eat whatever, whenever. As a result of this backlash, I easily gained 30 - 40 pounds and as a result of the revelation and this weight gain, my blood pressure is through the roof. I started taking blood pressure medicine within a week of finding his stash of porn. I now weigh more than I did when I was full-term with either of my children.
RESOLUTION: ENOUGH!
My self-care plan:
1. I am going to love myself enough to eat well and forgo the grab-n-go fast food.
2. I am going to eat to live not live to eat.
3. I am going to try to incorporate a walk into my daily routine.
4. I am going to try to lose weight so that I feel better and in an effort to reduce or eliminate the blood pressure medicine.
5. I will do all of this for me and for my well-being.
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed May 12th, 2010 01:43 pm |
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I realized this morning that I am feeling guilty about not attending s-anon and therapy sessions here of late. I've been taking care of my Mom instead. What is wrong with this picture?
BUT FOR my husband's sex addiction, I wouldn't have this additional demand on my time.
Today's self-care: I hereby resolve not to feel guilty about not attending s-anon and therapy right now. My Mom needs my care and attention right now, and she's going to get it. My husband and his problems are just going to have to wait and if he doesn't like it, that's just too bad.
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My best, Devastated Wife
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Sat May 15th, 2010 03:27 am |
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Today's self-care: I cleaned the carpet in my office just because I wanted to.
And I am tired, but I have a sense of accomplishment that I typically don't feel when I complete a document or file a tax return. There is something medicinal about doing something with your hands that returns tangible results.
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My best, Devastated Wife
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Mon May 17th, 2010 02:39 am |
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Self-care question of the day: To what extent do you suffer from learned helplessness?
To what extent have we, the wives of sex addicts, stopped trying or stopped looking to our husbands for emotional support or for some assistance with our priorities?
When did we start to subordinate ourselves to them?
Can you think back to the time when you used to dream?
Can you think back to the days when you used to believe you had a partner in life?
I'm going to make a list of things that need to be done and that I want done around the house and prioritize it. He'll have to fit in around the other priorities and if he doesn't like it, that's just too bad.
His priorities are no longer my priorities. My priorities are my priorities. Period.
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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Godsgirl211
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Posted: Mon May 17th, 2010 05:17 pm |
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Me too!!!!!!!! I have gained 50 pounds in the last 8 years that I believe are a direct result of depression........ over my marriage situation.
Good for you DW!!!
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Godsgirl
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Mon May 17th, 2010 06:07 pm |
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Dear Godsgirl,
Yes......I believe stress and depression has a lot to do with my weight gain along with the resolution that my denial of self and denial of my needs was going to end. I think it's gone a little too far. Let's support each other.......as we lose weight to improve our health. That is my only goal. I'm never going to be a size 1 or 2, but I can improve my blood pressure and manage my stress by taking a daily walk, eating right, etc.
My best, DW
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My best, Devastated Wife
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joanne
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Posted: Mon May 24th, 2010 12:48 am |
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Hello ladies!
DW I like your self care plan..Keep up on it.. mine is very similar,yet some days I find I need to push myself a bit.. if I don't eat proper meals ie.supper I'll wake up in the middle of the night which seriously affects my sleep! I also make sure I have time with God and His Word first thing in the morning. I have found that when I want to feel discouraged I start praising and worshipping God reminding myself that He rules over all..
I've been thinking of the ladies on here the last few days. Prayer: God keep your healing hands in the lives of every woman who is on these forums and for every woman whose life has been affected by porn and adultery.Cause them to see themselves as You do.. Precious in your sight! thank-you Jesus
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed May 26th, 2010 03:43 am |
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Sharing my self-care victories: I managed to take a walk tonight.......and to attend marriage therapy.........so it was a good self-care day.
Please share your self-care victories.....no matter how small.
Best to all, DW
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allalone
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Posted: Thu May 27th, 2010 03:06 pm |
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Today, I'm going to pull out my Gazelle and get to it! I'm joining the "need to lose 50 pounds" group!!! I may even watch a movie during my work out! Hopefully, I can find a movie that's not animated, doesn't have people getting shot or stabbed and who's main focus is not teenagers trying to get drunk or laid. I know it may be hard, but I'll put my best effort into it!
Struggling with patience now. Recovery just isn't moving as fast as I would like. My husband is still working on step 1. He knows there's a problem but deep down he still thinks he can control this.
Still pushing forward, though. Both of us meet with our therapist individually and will be having a joint session in 2 weeks. Also will be attending a Couples Recovery meeting soon.
I've been to a few S-anon meetings. Hearing other stories is helpful but after a while they all sound the same. Wish there was less "sharing" and more "cross talk". It would be helpful to ask specific questions of one another that the entire group may benefit from. I'm new there and don't know anyone very well. Hopefully, I'll be more comfortable soon so as to be able to have that exchange. Maybe I'm supposed to save "cross talk" for my therapist and this forum.
I'm praying for everyone to have a peaceful day today!
Allalone
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Godsgirl211
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Posted: Thu May 27th, 2010 03:11 pm |
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joanne wrote: Hello ladies!
DW I like your self care plan..Keep up on it.. mine is very similar,yet some days I find I need to push myself a bit.. if I don't eat proper meals ie.supper I'll wake up in the middle of the night which seriously affects my sleep! I also make sure I have time with God and His Word first thing in the morning. I have found that when I want to feel discouraged I start praising and worshipping God reminding myself that He rules over all..
I've been thinking of the ladies on here the last few days. Prayer: God keep your healing hands in the lives of every woman who is on these forums and for every woman whose life has been affected by porn and adultery.Cause them to see themselves as You do.. Precious in your sight! thank-you Jesus
 and Amen...............
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Godsgirl
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Godsgirl211
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Posted: Thu May 27th, 2010 03:21 pm |
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Is 50 lbs. the norm or what? (lol) I need to lose this also :-) Gained it all since discovering my husbands addiction. Not blaming him.......... just sayin......... Been 8 years now and mine still thinks he can control it on his own......... so glad he is continuing in therapy with you. That is wonderful :-) You have a peaceful day too and good luck finding a good movie :-)
allalone wrote:
Today, I'm going to pull out my Gazelle and get to it! I'm joining the "need to lose 50 pounds" group!!! I may even watch a movie during my work out! Hopefully, I can find a movie that's not animated, doesn't have people getting shot or stabbed and who's main focus is not teenagers trying to get drunk or laid. I know it may be hard, but I'll put my best effort into it!
Struggling with patience now. Recovery just isn't moving as fast as I would like. My husband is still working on step 1. He knows there's a problem but deep down he still thinks he can control this.
Still pushing forward, though. Both of us meet with our therapist individually and will be having a joint session in 2 weeks. Also will be attending a Couples Recovery meeting soon.
I've been to a few S-anon meetings. Hearing other stories is helpful but after a while they all sound the same. Wish there was less "sharing" and more "cross talk". It would be helpful to ask specific questions of one another that the entire group may benefit from. I'm new there and don't know anyone very well. Hopefully, I'll be more comfortable soon so as to be able to have that exchange. Maybe I'm supposed to save "cross talk" for my therapist and this forum.
I'm praying for everyone to have a peaceful day today!
Allalone
____________________
Godsgirl
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed Jun 9th, 2010 03:35 pm |
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| My self-care today involves appreciating the little things in life.....things that I often overlook in the rush of my day...........the sound of a the gentle rain, the smell of a freshly laundered towel.... Last edited on Wed Jun 9th, 2010 03:35 pm by Devastated Wife
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allalone
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Posted: Tue Jun 15th, 2010 09:49 pm |
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Allalone's Mantra
I will begin each day with a thank you to God. I will pray for the strength to see that no matter what happens, it will all be from His hand and for a purpose only He knows. I will pray for the strength to accept what He gives me and for the faith to believe He is continuously at my side.
I need to have quiet and peace throughout my day. I need to look to God, know that He is beside me and know that many times He will be carrying me throughout the day. I will pray for the strength to not be overcome with fear, worry and self doubt. My mantra will be my strength. I will keep my mantra close by and re-read it frequently so as to thwart any of these negative thoughts and feelings. I will audibly recite my mantra often to keep me focused on my goals for the day. My mantra will act as a reaffirmation of my beliefs and to reinforce my faith in Gods love.
I will remind myself that this is my husband's illness and I can do nothing to cure him. I can be supportive and listen to his struggles but I am not his Savior. I can give him suggestions but it is up to him to choose those he will take and those he will leave behind. I can look into his eyes and see his pain. I can see his tears and hear his pleas for help. I know I cannot help him but I also know that God has put into place things on this earth that can. God has given him a way out. I pray that someday he can find the path and begin his journey. It's a journey that will ultimately release him from his demons. His pain will lessen, his tears will dry and his pleas will turn into rejoice for the blessing that God has bestowed on him.
I need to smile. I need to enjoy my children and marvel in their beauty and goodness. They are wonderful beings created by God through me. God has guided my hand in their development and thus He shows his wisdom, power and grace through them.
I need to care for myself. Both the mind and the body God has given me need to be cared for so that a solid foundation for my life can exist.
I need to work. I need to show off the skills and talents God has blessed me with. I will take satisfaction and smile to the Lord when I've done something giving or have helped to alleviate someones pain and suffering. I will not ignore even the smallest gesture of kindness for it is the small gestures that take us from minute to minute of our day. I will recognize that each of these gestures is but yet another smile from God.
I will work toward improving my relationships with family and friends. I recognize that God has put these people here so that we can help each other. I recognize that each of us is part of his flock and that our united, ultimate goal is the journey with our Lord.
I will vocally acknowledge my appreciation and love of God and his works throughout the day. I realize that non-believers may not be receptive to my praises but that will not deter me in professing my faith.
I will pray to our Lord for the courage and the perseverance my mantra reflects. I will humbly ask for his blessing and give thanks for all the goodness around me.
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allalone
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Posted: Wed Jun 16th, 2010 06:51 am |
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Hello everyone,
Today is my birthday. I am 50 years old! That's half a century!
This evening I made my own birthday cake and in the morning I will frost it with my favorite fresh whipped cream icing! My sons will be working all day and evening. My husband will be at work and then at either an SA meeting or a video porn shop. (His mood dictates which) But my daughter will be with me. We will pamper ourselves with pedicures (her first) and then possibly a movie.
We'll sing Happy Birthday to me and I may even let her take a picture of me with my delicious cake!
Most people celebrate such an occasion with surprise parties and big gifts. And even though my celebration will be on a much smaller scale, I already know my day will be the best ever. I will get to spend real quality time with my daughter! I can just hear her saying Ahhhhhhh! as she dips her feet into a warm, lavender scented foot bath for the first time.
Our pedicures are hours away, but I already know that this is a memory I will cherish.
Thank you Lord, for giving me such a wonderful day!!!
Allalone
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed Jun 16th, 2010 07:25 am |
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| Happy Birthday!!!
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Jun 16th, 2010 12:34 pm |
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Hi Allalone,
Happy birthday! I'm glad you have such special time planned!
TruthSeeker
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andrewwright
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Posted: Thu Jun 17th, 2010 11:45 am |
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Devastated Wife wrote: After the revelation of my husband's 23 year affair with porn and masturbation, I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I suppose it provided "comfort" at some level, but for me, I stopped caring what my husband thought of my appearance. It was clear that the YEARS, no DECADES of self-denial in an attempt to remain attractive were for naught......so I allowed myself to eat whatever, whenever. As a result of this backlash, I easily gained 30 - 40 pounds and as a result of the revelation and this weight gain, my blood pressure is through the roof. I started taking blood pressure medicine within a week of finding his stash of porn. I now weigh more than I did when I was full-term with either of my children.
RESOLUTION: ENOUGH!
My self-care plan:
1. I am going to love myself enough to eat well and forgo the grab-n-go fast food.
2. I am going to eat to live not live to eat.
3. I am going to try to incorporate a walk into my daily routine.
4. I am going to try to lose weight so that I feel better and in an effort to reduce or eliminate the blood pressure medicine.
5. I will do all of this for me and for my well-being.
I used to be addicted to porn and sex until I came across this book and applied its solutions. Now I simply cannot be seduced. your husband's sex addiction is not a reflection on you. rather it is that something is pulling and manipulating him. they use mind manipulation in porn. so no wife is safe from their husband being tricked and manipulated. This was the first time that I read that mind manipulation was being used. book: OPEN TO BLISS by Omid Mankoo I found his blog http://sagehope.wordpress.com
take care of yourself.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed Jul 7th, 2010 01:08 pm |
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Yesterday, I was reminded of how good the Lord is to me. Throughout, He has been merciful beyond measure. I am finding renewed strength. I am sure that is coming from the Lord.
Today's self-care: Find every opportunity to acknowledge the Lord's presence and influence in my life.
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Tue Dec 21st, 2010 07:43 pm |
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Self-care of the Quarter:
Well Ladies, in August I joined a gym and hired a trainer. I haven't lost a lot of net weight as I took a couple of months off to care for my Mom, but I've been at it consistently now for six weeks. According to the trainer, I lost fat and gained muscle. I feel better than I have in decades.
If it is remotely within your budgets ladies.........do it...........even if it's a stretch. It's worth it. I've committed to working with the trainer twice a week for six months. My goal is to lose 60 pounds, so far, I'm down 5. Yeah, it's like taking a suitcase off a 747, but it's a start.
Do we have a 60 pound loss club?
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Dec 22nd, 2010 02:25 am |
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Hi DW,
Congratulations! That is no small feat--you are nearly 10% toward your goal!
I have been focusing for a while on eating more healthfully, though I am tempted by occasional tidbits. I have also been working on being more faithful about the boring, day-to-day chores around the house, and my sense of accomplishment feels great!
TruthSeeker
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