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allalone
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Posted: Fri Jun 11th, 2010 07:13 pm |
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Dear ItsMeTime,
It's a big victory against the battle when your husband actually attends a therapy session. Congratulations! Take one day at a time and be grateful for today's blessings. I've found that when I look too far ahead, I usually get disappointed (mostly due to my own unreasonable expectations for someone else!)
I am sorry that your counselor was once again "bashing" you. That's great that your husband recognized it as well. My concern is that the counselor seems to be a bit "one sided". Not good when you're trying to counsel a union between two people. How can he be objective?
The therapist my husband and I have is very good at pointing out when I'm wrong but also, when I'm right. She gives that same attention to my husband. She functions as a non-judgemental on-looker with the experience and education to back her opinions and recommendations. It's a very open environment.
Might I suggest a conversation between you and your husband about seeking a new marriage counselor? The ultimate goal is a successful marriage, not just two successful individuals.
Since your counselor seems to "favor" your husband, the subject may be a bit tricky. After all, doesn't it feel good when someone takes the blame off you? Your husband may be reluctant to change counselors. But seeing that even your husband noticed his comments, you may be more successful in your goal.
You specifically said "I'm not letting my guard down". Well, the last place you should be "guarded" is in a counselors office!
Good Luck!!
allalone
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ItsMeTime
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| Joined: | Fri Jun 4th, 2010 |
| Location: | Texas USA |
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Posted: Mon Jun 14th, 2010 04:47 pm |
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Good morning all! Hope you are all having a wonderful day. I have a question that is open to anyone. In a nut shell my husband is still not living at home. He is going to marital counseling, but not getting help specific to the addiction. He is checking on me periodically to see how we are b/c he "cares" about us (me and child). However, he has admitted that he is still committing adultery (internet, meetings, whatever), and is trying to figure out what his intentions are and what he wants to do. I know that right now I should probably just be patient and allow God to do a work in him. But, part of me really wants to just call it quits and get a divorce. Can anyone explain what is going on in my husband's head? I don't understand this behavior. I am trying not to react with emotion. My perspective is that he wants both worlds (me and adultry). How can I honor and respect a husband that is doing this to God and his family?
Confused today!
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Babette
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| Joined: | Wed May 5th, 2010 |
| Location: | Portland, Oregon USA |
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Posted: Mon Jun 14th, 2010 07:14 pm |
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Hugs and hugs...you are in such a yucky, murky place. I was in the same place once. Here are a few things that might help:
1) Read the Psalms. Your despair is not surprising to God. Let yourself cry and grieve and know that God is right there with you.
2) Good worship music. You must flood your life with hope. It is also good for your child.
3)Make your home a safe place for your heart. It is a mercy right now that you are not under the same roof as your husband. Get rid of any piece of furniture that reminds you of his sin. Clothing that brings bad memories. Tvs, computers, whatever. Get crazy about cutting off yucky reminders of immorality.
4)Consign or sell your clothes, and get new ones. Get a haircut, new shoes, new makeup. Be really, really nice to yourself. Work out. You are being totally humiliated by your husband. Stick up for your dignity.
5)Biblically, you have two roads ahead of you. Only you know which one God is calling you to:
A--If you feel like God is asking you to stick it out with your husband, you must wait to see what he will do. Tell him he is the one who must serve you papers. You let him know you want the marriage, but he can't move back until he is faithful. Meanwhile, as he flounders around like an ass, you take excellent care of yourself. You have a big job of waiting ahead of you. Focus on keeping your own heart pure and alive. If he comes around, repentant and serious about the marriage, then you slowly rebuild. It is possible!
B--You have the right to a divorce based on your husband's ongoing unrepentant adultery. Ask Devastated Wife on this site for legal and financial advice.
You might consider ending the marriage counseling until he can stop cheating on you (with real women at least). You go to your own counselor without him. Why spend time and money in therapy with a man who is ACTIVELY humiliating you? You can strongly tell him you want to go to counseling with him, WHEN he can stop the physical adultery and figure out if he wants to stay married.
In your situation it is tempting to think in extremes. Remember that setting your boundaries does not mean you are leaving your husband. Separating yourself from him shows you respect yourself and you protect yourself. You can also say you still love him. Here is an example:
"I love you and want to work on the mariage. I am separating myself from you until you can agree to stop the adultery, so that we can decide whether or not we can stay married. If you want a divorce, you can serve me. For now, I am waiting to see what you decide."
Versus this:
"I am separating from you because I hate you and you make me sick"
OR,
"Because I have to set boundaries it must mean I don't love him, or he is a monster or I am giving up on the marriage.
OR
"I have to let him come and go as he pleases, since I want to stay married. I can't set any boundaries because I don't want him to leave me"
A couple of other resources that helped me: James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough (he addresses your exact situation)
Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends. Helps understand and heal from adultery.
The online community at Michele Weiner- Davis's Divoce Busting website: http://www.divorcebusting.com
You are a strong woman! God is with you.
Blessings,
Babette
____________________
Babette
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ItsMeTime
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| Joined: | Fri Jun 4th, 2010 |
| Location: | Texas USA |
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Posted: Mon Jun 14th, 2010 07:30 pm |
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Thank you Babette. I really like your suggestions. I really need to think about which option I want to pursue. However, I am so thankful that you gave me specifics. It sometimes seems like people will tell me to set "healthy" boundaries, but they don't offer specifics. Then when I try to set boundaries based from the "Boundaries" book, I am told that I did the wrong thing. I'm trying to set boundaries, I just think that I am unclear on what the "healthy" ones are. Anyway, thanks again.
Even if I wanted to file for divorce, I no longer have the money to do so. My husband is with-holding half of his paycheck.
I have been taking care of me lately. Eventhough I get lonely for companionship, I really enjoy the time with my son. Not as much to clean up after when 1 adult is gone! :-)
I took down all wedding pictures and put them away a few weeks ago. I have also started to re-arrange things in the house. I just want something new, and like you said...nothing to remind me of the "humiliation".
If my husband was truly at a place of admitting brokeness that I would absolutely do what it takes to save the marriage. But since he is not there, I'm in a bind. I will look into your suggested readings and take your advice to heart.
Have a blessed day!
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