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Rachel
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| Joined: | Wed Jun 16th, 2010 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 17th, 2010 07:14 pm |
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Hi everyone
I visited this site about a year ago and could relate to many of your stories. And you can guess why I am back, the terrible cycle.
I am almost reluctant to share the details of my story because it is so similar to many of yours only difference is that he has not acted out. Apart from one online affair that broke my heart, yet again.
I have been struggling with this for the past seven years. I was in love with him, adored him until he broke my heart the first time with the porn. And then again, and again, and again...We have been married for 16 years.
What I would like to know from some of you Christian forumites who have been in this emotional place and then either left or stayed with your husband is what the pros and cons have been after the decision. I suppose what I am asking is your wisdom in hindsight. You left and regretted it. You stayed for another five, ten , twenty years only to regret that you did not leave decades earlier.
I really want to do what Jesus wants me to do and I have always believed that means to stay with him and avoid separation. This has left me feeling lonely and unloved and alone in this marriage. I might as well be separated from him. I am tired of being the "stable Christian family" when actually it is all just a facade. I mean I do not pretend to be a madly devoted wife, I just grin and bear the circumstances.
Today we went for counselling (probably the fourth attempt to address the problem in seven years) with our pastor and my husband would not confess to the porn. He denied it. To me his body language gave it away. I have the evidence from an accountability report. I showed the pastor.
The pastor says we should take him at his word, although I do believe that he is aware my husband has a problem. As it was this same pastor who mentioned that my husband is sick and is stuck in the mess. Only problem he thinks it best for me to stay with him and "work it through". Oh my gosh I am so tired of "working it through". I want to separate and will seek the Lord on this issue but would appreciate you sharing your experiences with this. I have two small kids. I am financially able to live alone and do not need him for my happiness yet I do feel sorry for him and wish he would repent and change.
Thanks for listening 
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Devastated Wife
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| Joined: | Fri Jul 17th, 2009 |
| Location: | Pittsburgh |
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Posted: Sat Jun 19th, 2010 05:43 pm |
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Dear Rachel,
Feeling sorry for him is no reason to stay in the marriage. What about you? When are you allowed to be happy? What about the kids? When will he be a real father? A real husband? What will happen to your kids when you lose the ability to grin and bear it? Are you running on emotional empty now? How much longer can you continue?
Leave. I relate to everything you posted. I lived alone in a house with three other people for decades. My husband may have been physically present, but he was never, NEVER emotionally present.
I stayed with him even when the little voice inside of my head was screaming "LEAVE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE!" I didn't know about the porn, I just knew he was never "there."
I've been married for 24 years. If I'd known then what I know now, I would have left in a heartbeat. This is the same advice I would give to my daughter.
My best, DW
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
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Posted: Sat Jun 19th, 2010 09:38 pm |
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I can't reply as someone who has faced this problem, only as someone who has been this problem. Still, I've given a lot of thought over the past 5 years to what have been the consequences of my addictive behavior.
From that perspective, one thing I'd encourage you to think seriously about is the effect of your choice on your children.
I think that's a harder question than at first appears. Clearly it's a great thing if kids have 2 parents in the home. On the flip side, living with an addict has a lot of negative effects. Kids learn that they aren't that important to Dad, who is lost in his own addicted world. In my case, anger was the only emotion I knew how to show, and unpredictable rage was a big part of my m. o. This teaches kids to be afraid, to censor themselves, not to take risks. They get perfectionistic and have a need to control. They learn to hide themselves. They also learn from Dad how families work, how women should be treated, what they should look for in a spouse if they are female. They end up primed to be addicts or to marry addicts themselves, so that the cycle continues across generations. Anybody attending 12-step meetings has to have been amazed at the number of addicts whose parents and grandparents were also addicts.
This kind of thing happens even if the abuse isn't constant or physical or superficially particularly violent. My son's counselor asserts that what matters is not the frequency of parental rage, but it's unpredictability. Having Dad unexpectedly erupt and rage at you every 3 years can do just the same things as having Dad erupt and rage at you every week.
Now, I don't know if this sort of neglect and abuse happens in your home; I only know I did all these things. I think the world of my kids and am amazed at the wonderful things they are doing in their young lives, but they would have a lot easier row to hoe if they didn't have the legacy of my behavior to contend with.
In my case, I got serious about recovery and about repairing some of the damage I have done before my kids began leaving for good. Hard work by all of us has made a difference, but I think I've still caused a lot of pain and trouble. I'm still a long way from being the father I should have been. I'm grateful that my wife has chosen to stay with me, and that she can even say that knowing what she knows now, she would still have married me. I'm less sure about that than she, maybe more horrified at what I've done because I'm only now coming to understand it. I also think that the only reason I can argue that staying together may have been a good thing is because I did eventually come to my senses and start to get serious about recovery. Had I lived out my days as an active addict, or should I return to that way of life, then it's clear to me my family would be better off without me.
Just a few of the things this addict thinks about as he looks back over his career.
Tim M.
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