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withGodshelp
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Posted: Fri Jul 23rd, 2010 12:40 pm |
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i always had a marriage that making love having sex was a real chore and it was not me .evertime i asked about it i was told it is not me.well 18 years later of feeling broken-not good enough dirty and yes i would scream ask why and get told he just had a low sex drive.it destroyed me i would get dressed in stuff for him.i would make passes to only be rejected time and time again. anyway it has done great harm to me and then 18 years of this i found out he was way into porn.this is my question everthing i read tells the women to be willing that it is so importent to the man do you know how that makes a women feel that is doing all that and still is rejected?i feel like i was not made right-AM I THE ONLY ONE WHOSE HUSBAND DOES NOT WANT TO MAKE LOVE? is this normal and nobody talks about it because it means in this world that we can not please him.please i feel sooooooo i can not put into words what it has done to me
withGodshelp
Last edited on Fri Jul 23rd, 2010 07:12 pm by withGodshelp
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Jul 23rd, 2010 02:48 pm |
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Hi WithGodshelp,
I am so sad to read of your heartache. Rejection was not something I experienced in my situation, but others have had other experiences, and will hopefully share them.
Now that you have found out what has been disrupting the intimacy of your marriage, has your husband agreed to get help?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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allalone
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Posted: Fri Jul 23rd, 2010 03:36 pm |
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I also did not have this problem. I'm not professionally trained, but if you think about it, it makes sense. An addict lives in a fantasy world a good part of the time. The fantasy world is needed to feed their addiction and also to cover their pain. With all those thoughts and images continuously playing out in their brains, it's no wonder that have an issue with the reality of a marriage.
The addict has to get to the point where they have to choose between reality and fantasy. Hopefully they make the correct choice and then begin working on their issues.
In absolutely no way, is the spouse inadequate, unattractive, undesirable or any other adjective you can think of. This is about the ADDICT and all about the ADDICT. They are the ones with the problem!
Learn all you can about sex addiction. There are lots of resources (books, forums, articles, etc.) available. It will help to reinforce the truth that you are not to blame and to see how the addiction has consumed your husband.
No one can "make" him change. You have to take care of yourself. Keep reading, keep talking, keep listening!
All my best to you,
AllAlone
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withGodshelp
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Posted: Fri Jul 23rd, 2010 07:11 pm |
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Thank you for replying it helps to know that someone took the time to answere me-it still seems that i am a oddity in that he does not desire me-of course he tells me he does disire me but when i dress and come out to reveal myself he has a real look of disgust -i physical see it t-then he catches himself and comes over and kisses me -sometimes i sell myself short and go ahead because i am afraid that if i do not then he will NEVER touch me again i really feel like i am losing my mind-and it seems like i am the only one who has been rejected for porn.anyway thank you I am so glad to have somewhere to write.
Last edited on Thu Jul 29th, 2010 09:25 pm by withGodshelp
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withGodshelp
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Posted: Fri Jul 23rd, 2010 08:00 pm |
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truthseeker wrote: Hi WithGodshelp,
I am so sad to read of your heartache. Rejection was not something I experienced in my situation, but others have had other experiences, and will hopefully share them.
Now that you have found out what has been disrupting the intimacy of your marriage, has your husband agreed to get help?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker I am not sure if i am doing this right but hopefully you will receive this-my husband tells me thatr what he did was sinful and that he has asked God to forgive him.That he knows in his heart he has done wrong and that he is very sorry for what he did.He also tells me over and over again he loves me.here is the point that confuses me-That is all he has done he went to counceling for about 4 months and then stopped(the session were not producing fruit i also went with him in the beginning and then turn to the church -they have people who are licsened and they offer it for free)he did not want to come even though he was told he could come anytime.since then he says he has stopped and that god has healed him I do believe GOD can do anything but i am also scared i have told God this and even feel guilty because maybe that means i really do not have faith every thing i read says we all should have people we can be accountable to-to ask question to tell how it really is and then to ptray they will give you Godly advice it scares the heck out of me that he feels he does not need this that God alone is who he needs to go to-I am very cofused over this because it leaves me very varnable at the same time it has left me feeling like i have no faith I know God loves me anyway I feel it deep inside it is the only thing I do feel I know that God alone is who i can trust and I alson know that nobody os perfect.(Does that mean that all that has to be said is i am a sinner and we all will fall.and that i am really sorry for all thepain it caused-this is all my husband says over and over when i need to talk i end up yelling and going off the deep end I know he feels i have mental issues as he calls them he then tells me at some point ineed to forgive and everytime i get angry it just tells him were we are in our relationship can you please tell me is this normal I do not even know what love is suppose to be anymore or if i have forgiven anything I thought i have but when thing set me off i am left wondering again .anyway thank you for answering me i hope you do not wish you had in the first place
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Jul 24th, 2010 04:41 am |
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Hi WithGodshelp,
It can be difficult to find the right counseling fit. I hope that your husband will try again, because until he uproots the past that drew him into this addiction, he will not heal, and neither will your marriage. It is not enough just for him to stop, but he needs to recognize the wounds that have developed over the years and understand that it will likely take a professional to bring healing to both of your wounds, and help you to move forward with an understanding of love and marriage as God intended them to be. Yes, you have a long history together, but it developed on a warped foundation. The correct foundation, Christ, must be laid anew and built on nearly from scratch. Sure, you will incorporate the positive aspects of your shared history, but the overall relationship will have a different structure. Unfortunately, the scars from what you have been through will also be present, but as the two of you let Christ redecorate, they will pale, and be blended in to a whole new marriage.
Forgiveness is very difficult, and can be a roller-coaster ride. Things will hit you out of the blue and cause the monster of insecurity to rear its ugly head.
I hope and pray that your husband will see that more concrete steps need to be taken in order to truly heal your marriage.
TruthSeeker
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withGodshelp
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Posted: Thu Jul 29th, 2010 09:23 pm |
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| Dear truthseeker, I am having a very difficult time things keep coming up and then i am so mad-does this mean i have not forgiven.my husband thinks so and i am left wondering if it is true-i get scared when i read that we will be forgiven to the same degree we forgive.Jesus diffently forgave never reminding of our sin (cast it in the sea -has far as the east is from the west) I do not know how to do this kind of forgiveness please pray for me in this area .Thank you for you thoughts I am praying for all you out there.It stuns me to see how many people have been effected by porn and this is only the ones who found the web site.its really scary if you think about. Last edited on Fri Jul 30th, 2010 08:06 pm by withGodshelp
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Jul 29th, 2010 10:12 pm |
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Hi WithGodshelp,
No matter how open we are to forgive, we will never be able to duplicate God's perfect forgiveness.
Are the things that keep coming up related to your husband's addiction, and/or issues of intimacy? If so, your husband should not be surprised that a re-opened wound bleeds, perhaps even worse than the first time.
If it is other issues, then there would seem to be more going on in your relationship than the sex addiction, so he would really be wise to go with you for counsel to work through everything. If it is an issue for one of you, it is an issue for both.
Has your husband shown any signs of change since he claims to have stopped acting out? Is he more open about his feelings, more attentive to you, more responsive to overtures of intimacy?
It is possible that he thinks he has changed, but you do not see it. If you do not see any change, how does he expect you to believe that change has occurred?
If you see change, but are experiencing difficulty forgiving/regaining trust, try making a list of things you can do to show your love, or perhaps ask your husband to make a list of things that make him feel loved.
I don't know whether or not you have seen the movie Fireproof, but there is an accompanying book called The Love Dare, which might make interesting reading for both of you.
*Hugs*
TruthSeeker
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withGodshelp
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Posted: Fri Jul 30th, 2010 08:05 pm |
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Dear truthseeker,
I guess i am stuck with the knowing(or at least the feeling ) that I was rejected physically . i feel like i was unable to even intice him at all.now that he is making attempts at being active in the bedroom.I am unable to feel like it is real.I keep feeling that if he did find me attractive- he would have made attempts before all this was found out.I know that I am not responsable for his actions but having said that i feel like a failure in the way of being a women. I am very confused and i get resentful towards him because I feel like he is just doing this to appease me. He of course tells me he love me and he does desire me and that i am beautiful. all the right words I just do not feel it. I am very glad for all that i have been given-I keep looking for the good but this really ways heavy on me. I could really use some advice -I know to keep going to counciling- it just seems that this is not normal I have yet to find anyone who was not desired by their husband (well except lieh-jacobs wife from the bible-) anyway thanks for writting back.how are things with you?can I pray anything spefic for you.
love in christ,
Last edited on Fri Jul 30th, 2010 08:09 pm by withGodshelp
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Jul 30th, 2010 10:34 pm |
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Hi WithGodshelp,
It is very difficult for us ladies to separate our sense of attractiveness and desireability from our husband's behavior. Truly, though, it is as if your husband has been paralyzed for all these years and has had treatment to restore his ability to move. Emotionally that was basically what was going on. If he had been physically unable to interact with you, you would not have taken that as a commentary on your beauty. You simply did not know that he was emotionally paralyzed.
It is completely understandable that you are doubting the sincerity of his new initiative, and only time will show you the truth. Many couples set aside physical intimacy for a time while they re-establish communication, emotional intimacy, and romance in their marriage. this is why some outside guidance could be really helpful.
If your husband's efforts are sincere, though, it is understandable that he would be confused and even upset if he recognizes how he has hurt you by rejecting you, is doing all within his power to make it up to you, but now you no longer seem to want what you have been pleading for for so long.
Thank you for asking about my prayer needs. I guess that my greatest need is for wisdom and discernment in ministering here at BG. By God's grace, our marriage is joyful.
God bless,
TruthSeeker
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Sat Jul 31st, 2010 05:12 pm |
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Dear WithGodsHelp,
PLEASE, please, please realize this has nothing to do with you, what you look like, what you like to do or don't like to do. This is all about HIM.
Look at Elin Woods, Tiger Woods' wife. That should provide all the proof you need to internalize the message that this is NOT about our physical attractiveness. It's all about the holes in their hearts.
Praying for you...........DW
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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