| Author | Post |
|---|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 846 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |    |
|
Posted: Thu May 18th, 2006 06:36 am |
|
This will be long, so please bear with me.
My husband and I met early in my first year of college. (His second.) Young and naive, I gave little consideration to the impact that his liberal parents' subscription for him to Playboy, since the age of 12, might have had on him. I was his first girlfriend, and it seemed logical to me that the real thing would completely replace the pictures. Shortly after we married, we sold his collection and went out to dinner to celebrate. (Yes, I know now that we should have burned them.) All was quiet in that regard for 21 and a half years. All in all I would say that our marriage was good, though we had some struggles, as most couples do. 16 months ago, I discovered that he had ordered four strip poker discs off of Ebay. (Usual reactions.) He briefly tried to claim that his account had been hacked, but soon told me that he had been playing free strip poker online for about three years. He said that he had ordered the discs one morning in anger after I had declined an intimate advance. We made some changes on the computer, though they ended up not being suitable for ordinary, legitimate use, and we did not take other measures. In God's perfect timing, I was scheduled to leave to visit family the day after my discovery. This allowed us time to talk at a distance, removing any possible physical pressures, and gave me some wonderful fellowship with some believers, as well as time to pray, which worked much toward healing. By the time I returned, I was eager to be with him.
I know that two wrongs do not make a right, but I definitely had some intimacy issues and tackled them fervently. We had started our family right away, so had the pressures of children, (3 and one stillborn,) as well as him having extremely unpredictable work schedules. Having precious little private time, it became a bone of contention as to how much of that time would be intimate. A couple of times I said, "fine, go ahead," but that satisfied neither of us. I refused to fake it, equating that with lying. I got to a point of using avoidance, (not total,) staying up on the computer, falling asleep on the couch with a book, you get the idea, rather than actually telling him no.
We committed to set a nightly bedtime and both adhere to it. Wanting to be obedient to 1 Cor. 7, and not wanting to lie with my body, I prayed earnestly that God renew my physical desire for my husband. His affirmative answer to that prayer has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. I felt like a newly wed, and experienced complete joy in our union, even when not reaching, or interested in reaching, climax. Those times do still tend to make my husband uncomfortable, as they still, on a level, remind him of the "just go ahead" times. I knew he was no longer up late online, and he seemed very satisfied.
This past January I went to visit my terminally ill father for three weeks. I asked about whether that left him with temptation, and he said no. I was back ten days when my father passed away, so left again for a couple of weeks. I returned, and all seemed as before, as much as recent overtime has made that possible.
The "here we go again" point came last week when I found a 2002 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit desktop calendar tucked behind the drawers under the computer table. As that is general family area, and we do have two teenage boys in the house, and he had told me 16 months ago that he had not brought anything in to the house other than the discs, I asked the boys, separately, what they knew about it. They both claimed to have nothing to do with it. When pressed, one said he thought he had seen something similar in our room on my husband's side of the bed, which tends to be cluttered with books, and, as I am blind, would not have noticed anything without having pawed through the clutter. After my son's assertion, however, I started poking around. Sure enough, I found two SI swimsuit issues, (scanners and OCR programs are helpful,) 2003 and 2006. I was obviously not just dealing with an omission in disposal, though the SI material was never mentioned 16 months ago. I lay the 2006 issue open on the bed, tucked the 2003 issue elsewhere, and confronted him that night. He said that he had purchased it in a moment of temptation during my second trip, read it once, and forgot to dispose of it. I pressed as to whether or not there was anything else, such as the desk calendar, that our boys might have found. He insisted that he had disposed of it, and the boys must have found it in the trash. He said that he thought he had gotten rid of all of the SI stuff 16 months ago, but hadn't mentioned it since, though he decided it might not be appropriate, it wasn't really porn since they weren't naked, right? He duely poked around "all my hiding spots" and said he didn't have anything else and asked if I had found anything else. I mentioned the 2003, and he said he must have missed it when cleaning out last year. Pressing a bit more, he finally asks himself "Did I get rid of that book?" He had not, and produced a hardcover compilation of five decades of SI swimsuit models. He swears there's nothing else.
There are many questions in my mind at this point.
Were the first 18 years of our marriage really porn free?
If he wanted to get rid of the desk calendar, how is it that he would not have used extensive precautions to keep it from notice, like putting it in a bag with catbox leavings? The calendar was not the least bit soiled.
How is it that he knew exactly where to look now for things he "forgot" to dispose of 16 months ago? If he knew so easily now where to look, surely he would not have neglected to check those spots last year?
How could someone with the visual memory he has gather items for disposal and not notice that a couple of the items in the collection were missing?
Am I really supposed to believe that he had those older items in the house all this time and didn't look at anything in the 14 months before he bought the 2006 issue?
I have made contact with a pastor, not ours, who will be available for counsel after being away for a couple of weeks. My husband has agreed to this.
I guess many of you might wish that SI was all you had to worry about, but it is a lust/trust issue for me, and I am not completely convinced that that is all I am dealing with anyway.
In some ways, he seems to fit what I have read, but not others. He has never isolated from me, either emotionally or physically. I would tend to describe him as thoughtful and romantic. He CLAIMS to have never masturbated while looking at this stuff, and that it does not even especially arouse him. He has not tried to blame me. His reaction both times has been one of self-loathing. There almost seems to be some type of distance, remoteness, disconnection between him and the behavior, as though it were almost a subconscious impulse, lacking in malice and deliberation.
Does anyone have any thoughts about these seemingly less-than-typical patterns?
Thanks for enduring this long post.
TruthSeeker
|
captivated
Member
| Joined: | Thu Oct 20th, 2005 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 417 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu May 18th, 2006 06:47 pm |
|
Hi Truthseeker! I can relate to some of the stuff you said. I think the main issue for you is the obvious lying and trust. I don't want to discourage you, but that pastor might not "get it" and it may leave you feeling even more frustrated! Hope I'm wrong though! If you would like to pursue counseling with someone experienced with sex addiction recovery, feel free to PM me and I'll hook you up! I have been told repeatedly to trust behavior above words and really found this to be true, especially when men are obviously convicted and ashamed of what they've done, which some don't seem to be.....so we're glad they feel convicted. The bottom-line of getting free, I believe is being real and honest where it counts! Getting the counsel needed, seeking out accountability and prayer with other men......etc.... Trust your intuition as a woman though! It is a gift I believe God's given us....and I've found I'm usually right.....Pray......stay close to Him.....ask and trust Him to provide all you need in way of help and exposing anything hidden, etc....and know that you're prayed for in this process! If there is anything specific I can do to help as another wife, let me know!
captivated
|
PraisingHeart
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 19th, 2006 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
| Posts: | 18 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Fri May 19th, 2006 09:13 pm |
|
Hi Truthseeker,
I agree with the advice and information Captivated had for you.
Thank you for your post, and I'm sorry you are having these issues to deal with. *All* of us here can relate.
You have some valid, reasonable questions, and every right to be suspicious. If you haven't, I think (IMO) you should ask your husband these questions directly, but if he makes excuses and does not appear to be truthful, you may never have the answers.
I do believe it is a positive sign that he is willing to talk with someone. At least that gives you a much better chance of eventually getting the answers you seek. I whole heartdly agree with Captivated, please go to a counselor that has experience with sexual addiciton. Settle for nothing less. There is a site http://www.pureintimacy.org that can direct you to a specialist on sexual addiction in your area.
I just wanted to say I was totally shocked at your second sentence. I could not believe any responsible parent would give a subscription to "playboy" to their 12 year old son. Good grief, we are slapped in the face with sexually inappropriate images all day, every day. Much less, parents willingly serving it up on a silver platter to a 12 year old!!! In my humble opinion, that is blatant child abuse. What a shame. I hope I didn't offend, but I just had to vent there for a minute.
Please understand, I'm not at all down playing any of the issues you expressed, but given that bit of information on his background, it's by the grace of almighty God that he's not in a much worse condition right now. So, at least that's something positive.
I will be praying for you and your husband.
Praising Heart
____________________
It is impossible for seeds of depression to take root in a greatful heart. - The Traveler's Gift-
|
Current time is 09:16 am | |
|
|
|
RSS