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sirius5o
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| Joined: | Tue Aug 26th, 2008 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 4 |
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Posted: Thu Aug 28th, 2008 06:19 pm |
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Hello All-
Sorry for the length of this post, its my first.
A big THANKS to the moderators who facilitate this site. I stumbled upon it several days ago and have read through many of the posts on SSA, porn, masturbation, and sexual addiction. I am nervous about sharing but I've hit such a low that I am willing to try anything to grow out of the wretched state that I'm in. I'll begin with a brief background and then explain why I posted about the above subject.
I am 24 years old and struggling with SSA, porn, masturbation, etc. It seems that I have read countless articles, testimonies, and books on these topics over the past year,and can now fairly assess and articulate why I am sexually broken. I used to think I was in a MOST peculiar situation, but after reading and hearing some stories recently, perhaps not. I became fully employed as a ministerial trainee for my church at the beginning of this year (an opportunity that I ran away from for 2 whole years but finally accepted after much counseling). In addition, I am an engaged man who will be getting married at the very end of this year. To say that I feel like a hypocrite is an understatement.
I told my pastor, long before I took the position, that I had a porn addiction and this was one of the reasons that I should not be sought out for this opportunity. He was encouraging and provided counseling, but that did not deter him from seeking me out. My girlfriend already knew that I struggled with porn and lust, but tried to down play it and basically was of the opinion that "marriage" would take care of it (which I knew was wrong). Then last year I "acted out" for the first and only time with another male. Of course I was devastated, ashamed etc, and I finally told my girlfriend, fully expecting for her to do what I thought was the right thing, leave me. She did not, but rather remained very supportive and loyal, which solidified the truth that I already knew--I wanted her to be my wife. Although I've struggled with SSA for much of my life, I have been attracted to girls too--and always wanted to be a husband and father. My fiance is beautiful, loving, and aspires to be a Godly wife, and it angers me that my heinous behavior is preventing us from having the awesome relationship God wants for us. I suppose it hasn't made me angry enough to fully repent...
I understand that I've got people who look up to me @ my church, and a fiance and Pastor who love me and think I can be a real asset and contributor to people. Their love INSPIRES me to want to overcome these sins, be the best possible version of myself and be the servant that God would like me to be. So I am trying desperately today to put my depression aside, and reach out for help. I know that overcoming this is possible, but usually I am so severely depressed and have such a lack of motivation that I can't actually see myself getting better (even though I teach people that change in their lives is possible!).
I started seeing an SSA therapist in the spring (who was non-denominational, which I preferred--I didn't want differences in Christian theology to get in the way of effective counseling). He was very good, but I back slid, became very unmotivated, and stopped seeing him after only 2 sessions. In addition, the whole thing is extremely expensive. I used to be a Risk OPS Manager for a large retail bank, but I resigned last year after acting out with one of my employees (I eluded to this earlier). Now I'm on a pastor's assistant salary, and well, paying for therapy with this salary is considerably difficult. Anyway, I will start seeing him again very soon, yet I'm realizing that there is an aspect to his therapy that he just can't provide. Friendship. All the counseling in the world is not going to hinder the fact that I am in need of friendship and support of other males in my area (Northern New Jersey). Which brings me to the topic of this post:
I am not opposed to developing friendships online. I've done it before and it does provide a degree of comfort--but for ME PERSONALLy, I believe that developing friendships with those who understand what I'm going through--face to face, would prove very helpful. They don't necessarily have to be strugglers, I just know that this is a void that has not been filled for the better part of my life and I think it would really help in my recovery. I have many male friends around the world through my church, but none that I can hang out with on a regular basis--and defintely none who I could share intimately with the most deep struggles of SSA.
If anyone knows about an SSA group that meets in NJ or NY, I'd really appreciate it. I'm willing to pay the cost, unless of course I can't afford it--at which time I will simply continue with the therapy and forging relationships online. Sorry if I sound negative, or perhaps even desperate (I'm starting to feel like I do). It's not my intention to start a thread of, "does anyone wanna be my friend?" I just find I've reached a stage in my struggle where I am willing to verbalize a personal need that I have, even though it might not be able to be fulfilled at this time. I have decided to put my fear of rejection aside, especially as I see you gentlemen pouring out your hearts on this site. It is inspiring. I bid you all permanency in your recoveries, and thanks to those who have shared their journeys.
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truthseeker
Administrator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 1322 |
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Posted: Fri Aug 29th, 2008 02:04 am |
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Hi sirius5o,
Welcome to BG.
For christian fellowship I would suggest looking for a
Celebrate Recovery
group in your area.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Man
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| Joined: | Sat Aug 19th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sat Aug 30th, 2008 12:07 am |
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I might be too much lonely as well, and I might need two/three good male friends but I don't know when/ how/ if I will get there..
____________________
May the Lord bless you all!
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sirius5o
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| Joined: | Tue Aug 26th, 2008 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 4 |
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Posted: Sat Aug 30th, 2008 05:06 am |
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Thank you truth seeker, I appreciate your dilligence with everyone on this site, includinig myself.
sirius5o
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sirius5o
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| Joined: | Tue Aug 26th, 2008 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 4 |
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Posted: Sat Aug 30th, 2008 05:09 am |
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Man,
I am with you. It is extremely tough for me as well. I recently got an accuontability partner. I can see the benefits of it already. Perhaps you can do the same? Although I may not be of much help trying to find one...
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 320 |
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Posted: Tue Sep 2nd, 2008 08:14 pm |
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hi sirius,
sorry but i don't know of any groups in your area, i just wanted to welcome you here. i hope your ap relationship continues to help you.
many blessings,
sam
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