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Bradley
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Posted: Sat Oct 18th, 2008 01:36 pm |
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Ok so most of my sexual issues deal around homosexuality, here is my story-
Alright well I geuss the first thing I should mention is that I might have been molested when I was younger. My family and I were living with a family friend and just a few years ago the family friends brother was convicted of molestation. I don't remember anything happening to me, I was probably around 5 or so when it would have happened, but there were times where I was left alone with the guy. I honestly think not knowing is the worst feeling ever.
I have never had a real father figure, my father was a abusive alcoholic and has been in and out of my life for the last 9 years. I know it is going to sound really childish, but I have always thought it would be cool to replace him. I do want to have children someday, but I don't know how good of a father I will be.
All through middle school and early high school people would pick on me and call me gay. I know it might sound wierd, but I sort of caved in and just accepted what they were saying.
Ok to tie the last three issues together, I have issues with homosexuality. I am attracted to men, not ones my age, but ones old enough to be my father. I have always been attracted to men that have authority over me.
I begun having these thoughts of older men before the person was convicted of child molestation, and after I found out the issues only got worse. I guess I have just accepted that it probably did happen to me, I am never going to know for sure so I should just accept the possibility.
I know I started masturbating alot during my 8th grade year and during that time I also experimented with (for lack of a better phrase) fingering myself. I didn't enjoy it physically, but I continued doing it off and on (maybe once or twice a month) until my sophmore year of high school. I thought I was over it, but I did it once a week and a half ago and I think thats when I first realized that I need help with my issues.
During my Sophmore year of high school I had my tonsils taken out and got to stay at home for a few weeks, during that time I had my first sexual experience with porn (sounds wierd I know, I said it like that though because my first real experience was when I was around 8 when I discovered my fathers porn. I think I was to grossed out to really be aroused). I remember it was on accident also, I was searching for picture of skateboarders or something and I came across a picture of a nude skateboarder. I clicked on the picture and it brought me to a site that listed a bunch of activitys for nudists and had tons of pictures. There was a link on the page to someone's site that had even more pictures, and by that time I was getting turned on and I did a search for 'nude men' and of course it brought up porn.
When I first got into porn I wasn't really into certain stuff, I just knew I was more attracted to men than girls (I think it might be the fact that I feel like girls should be respected, but maybe its because I am so used to seeing myself naked so its nothing new)
After a few months of being into porn, my mom and I moved to a different house and we didn't have the internet. Around that time I started having sexual thoughts of my male teachers. As soon as that started happening I did probably the most hardest thing ever and told my mom about the thoughts (that I was having them, not what they were) she didn't say much I mean she was mad and upset. Later that year I thought about suicide and my mom ran me to the hospital one day after I told her I was going to kill myself. I sat down with one of the doctors and I told him about my thoughts and he said 'oh its normal, most men have thoughts of other men' I didn't believe him, but either way it was kind of like pouring fuel in the fire.
Around this time I got internet on my cell phone. I stopped having thoughts of my teachers, and started having them of the men I would see on my phone. Also around this time I realized that I can never get past the friends level with girl and get into a relationship with them, and I figured that they are not attracted to me. I thought well who would be attracted to me? People like me. So I started having sexual thoughts about men that were big and hairy (I have lost alot of weight since... and I am not super hairy, but I do have chest hair). I figured that they are probably going through just what I am. At this time I discovered Bears (term for gay men that are bigger and hairy). I moved out of my moms house and moved in with my grandma due to issues with my father and yet again didn't have internet.
Around a year and a half ago I got internet here so I can play XBox Live, and I only got a computer last November and since than I have started looking at porn again. I usually don't watch guy on guy action, I am more into individual stuff.
Since Christ came into my life I think the urges have gotten worse, or maybe I am just imagining it. In the bible it says that homosexuality is wrong, and I agree. I don't think I am gay, I am attracted to women emotionally and somewhat physically, but for some reason I am more attracted to Bears, and can no longer pleasure myself to thoughts of women.
I know I want to change, and I have prayed about it many times. For some reason I can't follow through with my prayers though. I can go strong for a few days, but than I will be in the shower or something and a random thought will come to mind and I give in, or I will be watching television and will see something and it will trigger more thoughts. I keep on praying to God for help and the strength to get over these issues, and I would like to think this site is the answer and he has been listening to my crys. So if any of you can relate, or have something that might help me out I am all ears. At this point in my life I am trying to get as close to God as possible and I feel that having these thoughts and urges are holding me back.
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'For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God --' Ephesians 2:8
'For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.' James 1:3
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Oct 18th, 2008 11:13 pm |
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Hi Bradley,
That's an awful lot to be struggling with. I realize that you have not acted on this with another person, but you might still find helpful resources at
Love Won Out.
I hope they have some resources that can help with this specific aspect of your struggle.
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Mon Oct 20th, 2008 05:10 pm |
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hi bradley,
i am so sorry you have been through all that you have been. to be honest, it is no surprise that you struggle with sexual orientation if you were molested at an early age. when our natural sexual development is interrupted with abuse, it has a way of distorting something that god intended to be beautiful and causing us to have difficulty with it on into adulthood. i can say that you are not alone in your battle. god loves you dearly and wants you to live a happy and fulfilled life. it is not easy by any means, but fighting this battle is worth it.
as far as fighting the same sex attraction particularly, the only things that you can do about that is to first off keep on doing what you have - pray. only god can create a pure heart in you. as hard as i try to fight urges like that, the harder those urges seem to fight me back. surrendering it to god is the first and most important step, next, you have to stop feeding that lust. i used to only get sexually excited at the sight of other women, men had no effect on me. the more i gave into lusting for other women, the stronger that bondage became. i had to stop looking at them and reaffirming my lust with orgasms. as long as i allowed myself to climax thinking and watching other women, i was never going to be free from it. i still do struggle with being attracted to other women, but because i do not let it have control over me by giving into it, then i can walk away from it.
you are right, after accepting christ, satan pulls out all the stops to try to keep us down. he wants you to be shackled in sexual sin so he can keep you from reaching others for christ. when i gave my life to the lord, i was being abused. right after that, my abuse worsened tremendously. i reached a point where i thought i could take no more. i even questioned god's love for me. long story short, i turned my back on god... but thankfully he never did me.
hang in there man, you are loved. i am praying for you.
sam
Last edited on Mon Oct 20th, 2008 05:11 pm by sam
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Bradley
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Posted: Mon Oct 20th, 2008 10:56 pm |
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Thank you for praying.
Yeah I guess with the whole molestation thing I have always wanted to know why he chose me. If he did molest me, than he took advantage of me. Maybe with my attraction to bigger men I am looking someone to take advantage of me again? You know have it happen again so this time I can really understand what happened to me. I am not going to give in though. I have given myself up to Christ and as far as I am concered my body belongs to him. Only when he tells me that I have found the right person to share it with will I decide to give up my virginity (or whats left of it).
I know what you mean by Satan trying harder to pull you down after you accept the Lord. At first everything was good and I was feeling better about myself, but than thats when I started seeing how much I don't deserve Gods grace. I actually thought about suicide for a few weeks, but I just kept thinking that thats all Satan has over me. Yeah life wasn't great and still isn't today, but I know if I keep trusting the Lord things will get better.
Bradley
____________________
'For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God --' Ephesians 2:8
'For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.' James 1:3
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sam
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Posted: Tue Oct 21st, 2008 03:39 pm |
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bradley, you are such an inspiration. yeah, life is hard right now and there will always be times when it just seems too hard to keep going, but giving in is not an option. you were put here on this earth for a reason and you are needed. keep on fighting my friend, you can do it! i know you can. big hug!
sam
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Bradley
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Posted: Wed Oct 22nd, 2008 01:24 am |
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sam wrote: bradley, you are such an inspiration. yeah, life is hard right now and there will always be times when it just seems too hard to keep going, but giving in is not an option. you were put here on this earth for a reason and you are needed. keep on fighting my friend, you can do it! i know you can. big hug!
sam
Before Christ was introduced into my life through my friends I felt worthless, and was concidering suicide. I felt like there was no use in living because I couldn't find a reason to live. After I accepted the Lord I finally felt like everything I have been through was for a purpose, to make me stronger.
____________________
'For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God --' Ephesians 2:8
'For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.' James 1:3
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sam
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Posted: Wed Oct 22nd, 2008 01:18 pm |
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i too feel like everything i have been through was to make me stronger. i also believe that i am called to minister to other women who have suffered at the hands of ppl they loved and trusted. i look at it like this, i would not completely understand the pain they are going through if i had not experienced it myself. so god's allowing these terrible things to happen to me was for a purpose, just like when joseph was rejected by his brothers, i know he must have been so very hurt, but in the end, he saw god's plan for his life.
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
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CB
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Posted: Wed Oct 22nd, 2008 02:29 pm |
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Here's a piece I wrote on my blog (more of a journal really) a couple months ago. It might be helpful.
Why do people go through hard times?
Why do young girls get raped? Why do kids get abused? Why do people struggle with addictions: drugs, alcohol, pornography? Why does God allow a Christian to be plagued by certain things?
I think God uses the circumstances in your life and the things that you've struggled with to make a connection to other people that are struggling with the same things. Example: I had a huge pornography addiction. It almost destroyed my family; it cause my wife a ton of pain. But God used Mike Genung, who had gone through the same thing, to reach me in a way that nobody else could. The similarities in our struggles made an instant connection with me. And his testimony of victory and the way he gave Jesus all the glory, paved the path for my freedom as well.
Romans 15:18 - For I will not presume to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me, resulting in the obedience of the Gentiles by word and deed.
Two things this verse speaks to me.- Use what God has done in your life to make a connection with other people. One of the biggest resentments people have about being "preached at" is that the "preacher" doesn't know what they are going through. People who are hurting want somebody to echo back to them what they are feeling. When I was struggling and read Mike's experiences, he was speaking exactly what I was thinking and what my heart was feeling. And I thought, "Wow, this guy has been exactly where I've been. And it made an automatic connection.
- Everything goes back to Jesus' life changing grace. People who have been delivered from and addiction, or been given the grace to forgive the person that raped or abused them know that it's only by God's power that they were able to. And they can't help but give God the glory for bringing them up out of the filth and the hurt that they've been in.
So are you wondering how God wants to use you? Why not examine your own life. Your own testimony might be what somebody needs to hear.
CB!Last edited on Wed Oct 22nd, 2008 02:32 pm by CB
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sam
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Posted: Wed Oct 22nd, 2008 03:03 pm |
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| well put cb, that was very encouraging.
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Bradley
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Posted: Thu Oct 23rd, 2008 10:48 am |
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CB wrote: Here's a piece I wrote on my blog (more of a journal really) a couple months ago. It might be helpful.
Why do people go through hard times?
Why do young girls get raped? Why do kids get abused? Why do people struggle with addictions: drugs, alcohol, pornography? Why does God allow a Christian to be plagued by certain things?
I think God uses the circumstances in your life and the things that you've struggled with to make a connection to other people that are struggling with the same things. Example: I had a huge pornography addiction. It almost destroyed my family; it cause my wife a ton of pain. But God used Mike Genung, who had gone through the same thing, to reach me in a way that nobody else could. The similarities in our struggles made an instant connection with me. And his testimony of victory and the way he gave Jesus all the glory, paved the path for my freedom as well.
Romans 15:18 - For I will not presume to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me, resulting in the obedience of the Gentiles by word and deed.
Two things this verse speaks to me.
- Use what God has done in your life to make a connection with other people. One of the biggest resentments people have about being "preached at" is that the "preacher" doesn't know what they are going through. People who are hurting want somebody to echo back to them what they are feeling. When I was struggling and read Mike's experiences, he was speaking exactly what I was thinking and what my heart was feeling. And I thought, "Wow, this guy has been exactly where I've been. And it made an automatic connection.
- Everything goes back to Jesus' life changing grace. People who have been delivered from and addiction, or been given the grace to forgive the person that raped or abused them know that it's only by God's power that they were able to. And they can't help but give God the glory for bringing them up out of the filth and the hurt that they've been in.
So are you wondering how God wants to use you? Why not examine your own life. Your own testimony might be what somebody needs to hear.
CB!
Its not that I am ashamed of who I have become, or what has happened to me, its just its hard to admit it to other people with out accepting it. I don't want to accept that I might have been molested, but when you look at that and all of my other issues you start to think wow maybe he was molested and he has issues resulting from it.
Honestly the old saying 'its easier to forgive than to forget' is true, if I could meet up with the person and just ask him if he did do anything to me and than ask him why and if it was worth it I would in a heart beat because it would finally give me answers. I can't ask him though, he is in a place with other sexual predators and is monitored 24/7 and I doubt he would be stupid enough to admit to doing something when someone is listening to what he is saying at all times.
This site has been extremely helpful, I have been given the opportunity to get everything off of my chest and its nice to finally talk about some of my issues openly because things like what we all are going through don't come up in everyday conversation. I am not embarassed to talk about my problems here, because everyone is so encouraging and we are all going through our own battles everyday. I haven't seen anyone else on here that is going through the same issues as I am, but I can still relate to peoples addictions because their feelings and their everyday struggles are things I can relate to myself.
Honestly I hope one of the guests of this site read about my problem and actually decide to make an account and discuss their problems. I would feel more than welcome to talk to them individually about my issues and how I cope and give words of encouragement. I am always suprised, I am usually one of the only members online, I mean maybe one or two other people will be on at the same time on night, but everytime I am on here I see that 3 or more guests are on aswell. I want to help people that are dealing with issues, even if they are not anything like mine because like I said we are dealing with our own battles. I am not the kind of person to put myself out there though, I mean I would be to embarassed to discuss my problems face to face because I sometiems get really emotional because it has had a huge impact on my life sofar, and still does to this day.
____________________
'For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God --' Ephesians 2:8
'For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.' James 1:3
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Mon Nov 2nd, 2009 10:05 pm |
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Dear Bradley,
Hello. We have very similar pasts. The feeling of not knowing what REALLY happened, or where these desires come from, and why they are so deep inside is a horrible feeling. At once point in my life I had to give my mother my guns. I personally couldn't do enough drugs to escape the pain of being me.
I think what happened to me was something my father did/had to do with, because when I was still very young he tried to shoot me in the head but missed (I felt the bullet graze against my temple! He wasn't that far away). Why would he do that? I still don't know.
I also understand you about your male teachers and attraction. In High School a particular male teacher took notice of me, and one day he shook my hand while using one of his fingers to gently.. sensually massage my hand, as if he was saying "Lets get together". I didn't know what to do. Shortly after that an older man (40 years older) and I got "hooked up" via the internet. I can also understand that. I was 18 at the time. It was also my first sexual experience with another person.
Oddly enough, I also got my first taste of pornography from my fathers stash.
Please, Bradley, understand two things:
1. If you haven't gone through with the act of being with another man, especially if it is your only sexual experience, pray, fast, and do everything within your power to avoid it. My first experience was agonizing, I almost passed out from the agony of it. But strangely, I look to it, as my first intimate experience, and all the thoughts that were going through my head, and how they are seared, scarred, and burned into my mind. 12 years later they are still as strong as they were that night and maybe more.
2. You most definately HAVE gotten worse. I have been through a lot of spiritual torment in my life. I know demons are real. You can rest assured that when you accepted Christ as your Savior that *really* messed Satans plans for your life up. Those plans include many unfulfilling relationships with men and women, and eventually HIV/AIDS.
When I re-affirmed my life with Christ when I was younger you might as well have unleashed the forces of Hell on me. I thought God was supposed to make my life better? Not worse I thought. Today I struggle with the ingrained thought that my life should be peachy and free of temptation/evil just because my name is sealed in Heaven. But, this isn't Heaven. We have to suffer here.
1 Peter 2:19,20 says this:
2:19 For this [is] thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. glory [is it], if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer [for it], ye take it patiently, this [is] acceptable with God.
Unfortunately these days, too many people fall under the deception of a Christian life being a perfect life, filled with prosperity, and with every evil thing just bouncing off as you float through life. This is a lie. If you truly want to be rid of these feelings and emotions, you must suffer through the torment of temptation that seems to stem from your very core.
Bradley, you were not born with these thoughts. You are not a slave to the thoughts. The world wants you to believe that. This is a fallen, cold, and terrible world, and people are willingly entering into deception to try and make it not so. But it doesn't change what the world really is.
Please read this if you have time, it is the biography of a man who has HIV, but has been won to Christ.
http://www.sdcitybeat.com/cms/story/detail/?id=3628
There is overcoming this, and there is healing for you. There IS healing for you, and there is also a healing in your relationships with women. I have had a few girlfriends, but I found them to be needy, unwelcome, boring, and a waste of time. Today, there's nothing I want more than to be with my wife. (I haven't met her yet. Right now she is a promise in my heart, and a prophesy) To be around her. To listen to her. To touch her and be her friend. Every day God helps me, sometimes in ways too small to notice, other times with huge breakthroughs, with me with respect to women. I used to be a sort of misogynist, because of how the females throughout my school years would brutally tease me and cut me up.
If a wife would cure me, I would have found her already.
I hope I didn't say the wrong thing here in this post. You are not alone. It's the sensitive, decent ones that Satan picks out for homosexual torments. You have a long, bright and happy life ahead of you, but also you have a fight. As far as I come the temptations can, when I am weak, be as strong as I have known them. God has shown me though strengthening (Which isn't ever pleasant) I can overcome this. I can live the life that He designed for me. It's not too late. It's not too late for you, either. If you want, you can PM me if you ever need someone to talk to.
Thanks,
Dave
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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