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| Moderated by: truthseeker, bil4913 |
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| Masculinity issues & my ssa | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Fri Sep 30th, 2011 08:32 pm |
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1st Post |
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Gino Member 
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Some of my masculinity issues as they pertain to ssa: 1- Having been abused by a male I often felt the need to re-enact the events with me being in CONTROL. My trigger was whenever I felt weak or powerless, or had failed at something. 2- Self loathing would trigger the acting out as a form of self punishment, too. I binge eat as well due to this. 3- Being overwhelmed with shame, I couldn't ever see myself dating a girls/women, I thought that girls were sugar & spice... Boy/guys are filthy dogs (like me) and that's all I deserved. I thought girls would see, even smell the shame on me. Boys/men were rivals to conquer to make up for my lack of masculinity. 4- Years of masterbating infront of a mirror trained my mind that the male form = sexuality & climax. Unknowingly I trained my self, much like Pavlov's dog was trained to expect food when he heard the bell ring. 5- Measuring up- Ever since childhood I felt like less than a boy / man than the ones around me. The others were into sports & teams, played 1000 times better sports in gym, talked sports, etc... Not having a father involved in such, not teaching me about such left me at a disadvantage. If you know what its like to be picked last in gym in grade school you have a taste of what I mean. As an added obsticle, throw in the sexual abuse starting at age 8/9 and it realy screws with how you measure your self worth. 6- If it's done to you early on (as in abuse), or if you agree to it early on (like whats called childhood play/exploring), just once, it makes it easier and even easier to do it again and again. 7- Acting out over and over again sets a path in your mind, your brain makes all these connections, wires itself. Like a habbit, it's hard (but not impossible) to change or break it. I've found that coming to understand the reasons "why" really helps in finding the way out of the wilderness. I had found the way out of the wilderness 14 years ago, but 7 years ago I fell backwards into it again after a very emotional ordeal that I wasn't ready for. I know for sure that this battle is spiritual in nature. I know that satan had blinders on me & was pulling my strings like the puppet master that he is. His lies had me fooled into believing that I wasn't a "real" boy / man, that I wasn't worthy or deserving of God's love or forgiveness. He keeps trying to tell me that I'm a failure, never good enough. Well the blinders are off once again and I'm p*ssed off! I can't believe how fell I for it, AGAIN, for almost 7 years! He's a liar indeed! Not many could go through what I went through and come out as good as I did, nor accomplish what I did, or have what I have. I know it. I am a real man! I hope he trembles when I get up in the morning. God, please help me to be a royal pain in his butt I hope this helps anyone who might recognise some of their own feelings in this.
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| Posted: Sat Oct 1st, 2011 01:13 am |
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2nd Post |
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TM2 Member
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Gino, Thank you for a very honest and brave post. My life has been simpler than yours in that I wasn't to my knowledge sexually abused as a child, but I certainly identify with a lot of the fears of not being enough of a man, of not measuring up, and of being unworthy of women. In my case, those feelings didn't lead to ssa, but they were a big part of my concluding that sex was something that I should avoid, something for other people and not for me, something that needed to be hidden and practiced only furtively. So I ended up hooked on voyeurism and pornography. I suspect that a lot of what you write about is common rather broadly among sex addicts, whether or not we've manifested that addiction by having sex with others of the same gender. Tim M.
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| Posted: Sat Oct 1st, 2011 02:53 pm |
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3rd Post |
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Gino Member
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I never considered myself "gay", nor did I ever want to be. As a newly saved 12 year old I hoped and prayed that, that would fix me. As I planned on marrying I hoped and prayed that, that would fix me...it didn't. Measuring up (2)- constantly doing that, noticing and focusing on all the strong points that some of the other boys seemingly had did lead to something like a crush. I wanted to be like them, liked by them, etc... I ended up sexualizing them in my mind. It was never about love, honor or respect, it was purely about sexual conquering, because that was what I learned in my child mind early on. I can easily see how a child can form a ssa early on even without sexual abuse as part of their make up. An absent or uninvolved Dad can surely lead a boy to an unknowing yearning. Everyone "measures", even the alpha boys measure, I'm sure. If your a boy and already have a male yearning, measuring up can easily lead wanting. In a childs mind things are scattered, just forming the person of who they will be. An unsexual crush of sorts can easily become sexual thoughts as puberty comes around. Seemingly innocent childhood exploring "show & show" can give an early foothold to later sexualizing. I was a regular boy, not fem. I always made sure to act masculine, I played the part. I was never called gay or fag growing up, or tormented as such. I remember boys that were though. I feel aweful for them, how damaging it must be to a developing childs mind. Don't you think this as an added layer to the measuring and / or yearning can bring about an early ssa. That constant negative reenforcement just piles on. One thing I learned that I never considered while I was lost in the wilderness. We use our adult minds to look back on our pasts and we JUDGE our own thoughts and our actions, even the actions of others towards us. We fail to recognise the niavity of our own child mind. We project our adult "should've" knowns on our then child minds, we find undue fault for what we think we should've known, felt or did. We have to come to realise that we couldn't have known as a "normal" niave child, we have to forgive ourselfs for not knowing, or learning / doing something not meant to be, or shouldn't have been doing. One thing that reenforced this to me was meeting my nephew 11 years ago, he was 11 at the time. I never knew any kids as an adult, certainly none around that age. It hit me like a ton of bricks the whole notion of how can I have held myself responsible for all that happened to me & what I became because of it. I was a child, I should have remained an innocent child, what I was, was done to me, I had no say or choice in the matter. All the guilt & shame that I cloaked myself in was not mine. Learn to forgive your past & inner child, cut him some slack. You may even have to learn to love him like he should've been loved and cherished. When I see an early childhood picture of myself now, I nolonger want to look away from it, I pity him, I want to hug & love that little boy and tell him it will be ok someday (I'm getting weapy now as I write this). *Thanks Tim for sharing & appreciating.
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| Posted: Sun Oct 2nd, 2011 09:56 am |
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4th Post |
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Man Member
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I can recognize to that of not being a real man, not worthy a real woman, uncertainty that women might "smell" and remove from. They might not be attracted to that. I felt that I was something in between a boy and a girl when I was a kid. I remember one time when we were about ten years old and some girls should value some of us men/ boys . He was so handsome. He was so handsome and I could only take a spade and go grave myself down or go and hang me. That was my value. I think that is kind of how I felt the whole time as a kid and still feel. I struggle with the masculinity. I am 40 years old today and single.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Sun Oct 2nd, 2011 10:26 am |
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5th Post |
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Man Member
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Gino wrote: I think this is quite interesting principle. It might be that one person who is wounded takes revenge on another person or the same person? That means the problems just flow in the systems? Allthough I write in questions I don't wanna be fixed. Thanks Last edited on Mon Oct 3rd, 2011 09:04 pm by Man ____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Mon Oct 3rd, 2011 07:51 pm |
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6th Post |
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Gino Member
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Hi Man, I'll further explain my thoughts on #1, not being inside my head you can't see the whole thought, and that's a place you don't want to be anyway  "1-Having been abused by a male I often felt the need to re-enact the events with me being in CONTROL. My trigger was whenever I felt weak or powerless, or had failed at something." For me and alot others I've met who deal with childhood sexual abuse, we were instantly are saddled with shame, self loathing, a feeling of extreme vulnerablity and defete. So when ever I felt powerless and/or defeted, I'd slip back into the old screwy thought pattern, I'd have the compulsion to act out. I'd troll for sex, it could've been with a male or a female, but for me conquering another male (being the dominate) gave me the much needed feeling of power. I would be pacifying the need to regain what was stolen from me as a kid, even as an adult, I still needed to quench it. Being a highly sexualized kid & adult, this is the form in which it manifested itself, kind of like the path of least resistance. ** I know this makes no kind of sense to someone way outside, they should be thankful for that, but this is how it is for alot of us. Yes, this thought pattern can easily run an entire life, it also runs in families for generations in such forms as incest. Some kids that were abused take it out on kids when they become adults, though it's never an excuse to abuse. Some guys take it out on women by being womanizers trying to prove themselves men/macho. Some guys use violence to act out to try to prove themselvs man enough. Everything we are is planted early on in our very fragile childhoods, that small part of our lives effects our whole lives & the ones around us.
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| Posted: Mon Oct 3rd, 2011 09:02 pm |
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7th Post |
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Man Member
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Gino wrote:
I think it makes sense. Thanks
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Mon Oct 3rd, 2011 09:04 pm |
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8th Post |
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Man Member
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Masculinity is a subject that I am interested in.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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