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trying to understand
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Posted: Fri Sep 18th, 2009 07:10 pm |
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I am new to this site, and I was wondering if anyone could help me. My husband and I have been together for seven years, and he does not try to make love with me. i would always be the one to approach him. This has always been the case, and I thought he just had a low sex drive. I knew he viewed pornography, but I didn't know he had a problem with it. i always asked him to stop, but he never would. he found other ways to do it behind my back, and I used to get angry, but now I am starting to understand. He has an addiction to Pornography, not sure about masturbating, but in my heart I feel that it is part of the problem too. I am trying to work with him, and support him through this, as he is seeing a doctor for his addiction. I wanted to know from people that had this experience, or may have some suggestions for me. I am feeling unloved, unattractive, and most of all hurt even though I acknowledge that this is a serious illness. After we had our first child, he really found me even less attractive, and that really hurt. I now have lost the weight, but nothing has changed. I just don't know what to do, and I am praying to God for some guidance. Will my husband ever want me sexually, or is he ruined forever living in the fantasies that I cannot fulfill? Is there anything that I can do?
Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
trying to understand
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 01:56 pm |
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Hi trying to understand,
Welcome to BG. I applaud your support for your husband's recovery.
The most important thing to try and grasp is that his addiction likely preceeded your marriage, and has nothing to do with you--everything to do with problems from his past.
If he pursues healing diligently, it is possible for your intimate life to improve.
I found valuable information about the roots of addiction on
http://www.pureintimacy.org
TruthSeeker
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 05:28 pm |
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Hello Trying to Understand,
Welcome to the forum. I am relatively new here, but willing to help and support you any way I can.
A bit of background: I just learned that my husband of 23 years is a porn addict. If there is a silver lining here, it's that you've learned the truth relatively early in your marriage. I've spent 23 years trying to live a lie and make a lie work, all the while thinking I was nuts. At least you know the score. It may be unpalatable, but at least you know the truth and you are now in a position to deal with reality.
1. You are not alone. You didn't cause this. You can't cure it. You can't control it. He can view porn in a pitch-black room with white walls and no tv. The images are burned into his mind. HE has to want to stop and HE has to seek treatment. You can't force him into it. You can't do it for him. You can make his treatment a condition of him staying in the house.
2. Whether you've lost the baby weight or not is of no consequence. You are his wife, and presumably he took vows to love, honor and cherish you, keeping himself only unto you as long as you both shall live. I see no qualifiers there. The vows do not say "I will keep myself only unto her as long as she loses all the baby weight and looks as good or better than the nip/tucked floozies in the porn." You are a beautiful child of God. He should not be treating you this way. Your physical attractiveness has nothing to do with his addiction.
3. The pain and the hurt you are experiencing are completely understandable. I've never been so hurt. I've never been so angry. But it does fade over time. I've known about this for roughly 2.5 months. It's just been in the last week that I've come to a place where I can say that I am genuinely THANKFUL that God revealed the truth to me. I am thankful that I can deal with what is. I am thankful that I am no longer trying to live a lie or to make a lie work. I see the problems and we're dealing with the root issues.
4. My husband has only been sober for about 2.5 months. I will tell you that even as much as 5 weeks ago, he was still under the influence of the "drug." He really has been "drying out." It is a process, a life-long process that cannot and will not happen over night. You have to decide whether you are willing to work on this with him, work on the marriage, knowing that you will forever more be married to a porn addict or a "recovering" porn addict. That will never change. He will change as he enters recovery and stays sober. He may be able to truly love YOU for you, truly be able to put the images out of his head. Again, this will take time. My husband has told me that his therapist has given him tools and techniques to "stop the pop-ups" in his brain.
5. Regardless of whether you stay in the marriage or not, and that is a question that you probably shouldn't try to answer right now as it's all too new, you need to work on your own recovery. You were probably programmed by your family experiences to marry an addict. That is a hard thing to accept. But until you deal with the reasons you married an addict, knowingly or not, you will in all probability fall into the same pattern as before and become involved with another emotionally unavailable addict. I would like to recommend that you find an s-anon group in your area and attend at least six meetings. You need to do this with FOR YOU, not for the addict, but FOR YOU. You will find love and support there from women who have walked or are walking the same path. http://www.sanon.org
Praying for you and all other women who have been impacted by porn...........may you find peace and serenity.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Please keep us posted on how you are doing........
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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trying to understand
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Posted: Mon Sep 21st, 2009 11:50 am |
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Thank you all so very much for you helpful advise and support. I do understand that I can't fix him, and I can't stop him from doing what ever it is that he does. He has a lot of fears opening up to me, and said he would be embarrassed right now. I am going to try those meetings, because I cannot do it alone anymore. We start a marriage counsellor today that deals with addiction to porn, so if I learn anymore insights, I will definitely pass the info along. As for Devastated Wife, I was in tears reading your reply. There is so much hurt, I can't even explain the way that I feel anymore. Thank you so very much for your information. I will be here for you as well. It feels so good to have other people understand, as this is not something people are aware of. The strange thing is that My mom married a man, and was married for 18 years. He was my stepfather. He cheated on her throughout their entire marriage. He was disgusting, and now I think he was a addicted to sex, and porn. I think my mom let us know too much, which was not right. I vowed to myself that I would never marry a man with this type of problem. Then I met my husband. I thought he was the most handsome man on the planet, he was so kind and caring... and yes, I know he had tapes, but I thought - men usually do this. Then when we were living together.. he would view it when I was sleeping, or out of the house. Then I got to the point that it started to hurt my feelings, so I asked him to stop. There was also a rapid decline in our sex life, and I attributed it to the porn... He never stopped, 10 years later I was still finding disgusting things on our computer. Then I started doing some reading, and I learned that he was addicted. I confronted him with this, and then gave him an ultimatum. Either go to a dr or I'm out!!! This site really open my eyes to what it is to be addicted... and I am starting to be more understanding. I will no longer hoover over his shoulder, I'm not even going to look and see if he is looking, for fear that I will get hurt and angry all over again. I am just trying to be as understanding as I can, and let go of my fears that he may never change. There is so many different emotions that I have right not, but I have to let go of the years of resentment and anger to make this work. My empathy goes out to everyone that is dealing, and has this problem. I will keep everyone in my prayers.
Thank you for your help!!!! May God and peace be with you all!!
Love, trying to understand.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2009 12:12 pm |
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Dear Trying to Understand,
It does sound as if your family experiences predisposed you to marrying an addict, perhaps specifically a sex addict. I am praying for you!
My revelation of the week is "The only person you can change is you." I am gradually coming to a place where I not only understand that, but I'm starting to believe it. My s-anon sisters have been telling me that, and a book that I'm currently reading "Living With Your Husband's Secret Wars" by Marsha Means is also telling me that. http://www.amazon.com/Living-Your-Husbands-Secret-Wars/dp/0800757106
That seems to be my next step on my path to recovery.
I am resolving to take a walk every evening for stress relief purposes and to help me lose a little weight. I need to do this for me, not for him, not to make myself more attractive to him, but for my physical health to reduce my high blood pressure naturally and for my mental health to relieve stress. The only person I can change is me and I need to make some changes for my physical and mental health.
Before my walk, I'm going to download the sermon that my pastor delivered this past Sunday so I can listen to it again as I walk. I always get more from the sermon the second time around. This sermon was especially poignant. At one point he preached directly to the men about porn addiction. My husband squirmed. I confess, I enjoyed that immensely. ;-)! Generally speaking, the sermon was about being an uncommon family. If you are interested, here's a link: http://www.cornerstonelive.net/media-center/audio
I am praying for you! Praying for you to receive strength to stand strong and wisdom to find and follow your path to recovery.
Praying for all women who have been impacted by porn and adultery.........
FROM: http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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trying to understand
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Posted: Tue Sep 22nd, 2009 01:09 pm |
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Dear Devastaded Wife,
Thank you so very much for your replys. They really mean a lot to me. I feel so comfortable talking with you. Last night was the first marriage counselling appointment that we've had. It went very well. My husband is really trying, and he actually wanted me last night. I could not believe it. So this morning I feel on cloud nine, even though I know that times are going to get rough. I just learned that he is accountable for his own actions, and only him alone can change. Is you husband going to therapy? His doctor is really helping him. I definitely do not think things would be going so well if he were not seeing someone. I have my own doctor too.. He is really helping me to get myself on the right path. As you have said, it is time to do things for yourself. Make yourself the healthiest you can be. It really helps feeling like there is someone you can talk to, and can give you the right advise. I still have nightmares from my past. Along with the affairs, my stepfather also used to mentally and physically abuse us.. At least three times a week, I suffer from sever nightmares that he's killing my or my sisters and mother.. This is something deep routed in me that I have to overcome as well. On another note, I understand that I cannot change him, so I am going to focus on myself, our family, and our marriage. I am going to be patient, and try to understand. It helps when I read the forums, in which, men that are pornography addicts talk about their feelings. I understand that my husband isn't doing this on purpose, like I used to think. I used to be angry and resentful all of the time, and started to hate him for it, but it was until I started to try to understand the true struggle that they have, it made me feel bad for him. I took a vow to him "for better or worse" and now were worse, but I have a good feeling if I just hang in there, and try things are already starting to get better. I take articles from this site, and put them on his desk once a week.. Things that I feel would be helpful. There is one about the woman that did porn, and how things are really different behind the scenes. It disgusted me, and I think it may have given him a different perspective. Anger and hatred only consume and hurt the heart an soul. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself, and in the end, if things don't work out, you will not have any regrets. That is where I am right now. That way I can survive, and not be haunted by this for the rest of my life. Jesus forgave the people who tortured, and killed him.. I always think of that too. He wants us to forgive, but it is different then forgetting. I will not forget because I have to protect myself too. So I will keep an open mind, and keep you informed of our progress. Our doctors all deal with sexual behaviors, and addiction. It took a while to find them, but it is really making a difference. There is a reason for this addiction, and a lot of it is something from their childhood. So it has nothing to do with us, and we didn't do anything wrong.
On the loosing weight topic, I had a personal trainer. I joined the gym, and he said I just would have to do 40 min on the treadmill, 4 times a week. Get my heart rate up to 150, and keep it there. It was like a fast walk. I would also do some weights a couple of days a week too, along with eating healthy.. Sunday is my day to pig out (LOL).. I lost 35 lbs and have another 20 to go. i feel better about myself, and are starting to get my confidence back. I wish the same for you.. if you need more help, please let me know. oh yeah one more thing. there is a vitamin/energy drink, totally safe called Mona Vie... This really helped me get the energy that I needed to go to the gym, and it also curved my appetite, and I swear the acacia berry sped up my metabolism.
I will pray for you, that you find the strength, and peace.. peace.. May god bless you and keep you.
Sincerely, trying to understand
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trying to understand
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Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2009 02:16 pm |
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| ok, now he's saying that he hasn't viewed porn since we started to get along. He also said that he doesn't think he has a problem, ihe was just filling a void with what I have not been giving him.. like being nice, and getting along. I really think that he is in denial.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2009 06:04 pm |
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"I really think he's in denial."
Yup. You betcha. He's lying to himself as much as he is lying to you. Addicts are very accomplished liars. When he says "I haven't viewed porn since we've been getting along" he's trying to make it YOUR PROBLEM again. BOLOGNA SAUSAGE! Don't allow it. I think the question you need to ask then, is this: "If we have a fight or disagree about something, are you going to feel justified in going back to the porn?" That is the implication and logical inference from his statement. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO PIN THIS ON YOU. SWING AND A MISS.
My husband tried this cat and mouse game......until I told him that his treatment was a condition to him staying in the house. I gave him three ultimata: 1. It's me or the porn. 2. If you want me to stay in this marriage and try to help you work this out, you will sign a marital settlement agreement protecting me and the kids. 3. You will see a therapist and attend sexaholics anonymous meetings or you will get out now and I will file for divorce tomorrow. You will be served by noon tomorrow.
If you have previously asked him to stop, and he has not stopped, but rather continued to view porn behind your back, I think you know the truth in your heart. Don't let him run any nonsense past you. I think you have to hold the mirror and force him to look directly into it. Your tough love skills are going to be tested. You are being tested. If your husband is not yet truly sober, you are talking to a chemically altered brain. My therapist explained that he may look like he's "there" may act like he's "there" but in reality, he's not there. If he was an alcoholic, you could visualize a bottle instead of his head. Because our husbands are addicted to porn, you have to picture the video or magazine in place of his head. Chances are, he's really not "there." It took my husband more than two months before he was truly sober.
Make no mistake. This is spiritual warfare. You have been summoned to the front lines. I re-read Ephesians 6: 10 -24 before I confronted my husband. The Devil will not go down without a fight and your husband is subtely trying to tell you that this really is your fault and he only "needed" to view porn because you weren't getting along. NONSENSE!!!! Stand strong my friend, stand strong!!!!!!!
Put on the whole armor of God........
I'm praying for you...........
With Love, Devastated Wife
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2009 06:58 pm |
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Hi trying to understand,
Definitely a smoke screen. With whom was he not getting along when you met? Is he saying that he opted to marry you concurrent with not getting along with you? This sin preceeded your relationship, and has roots that must be uncovered, severed, and healed. As another member, Tim, often puts it, porn addiction is not addiction light, and cannot be dealt with by recovery light. He has to do the hard work. There's no sweeping this under the rug.
Praying...
TruthSeeker
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed Sep 23rd, 2009 07:07 pm |
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"porn addiction is not addiction light and cannot be dealt with by recovery light."
That is a beautiful statement of the problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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Posted: Fri Sep 25th, 2009 12:11 pm |
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I agree totally, wow, what a revelation.... We will be meeting together with his therapist in two weeks. She wanted us to put together goals to be reached by then to discuss. This will definietly be one of them. It is frustrating that he is in denial, but he won't belive my word alone on this. I am just trying to be patient, and understanding. It will be hard to bring this up, but he is in denial on a couple more things. He said that he had total control of himself, including his temper before he met me. Yet, I hear from his family that he would spaz out and scream in their faces. This has not happend in a great while, but it has.. So yet again, I am being blamed for him not being able to control himself. I am the reason in his eyes that makes him so angry to do such things. He has never hit me, or any kind of physical abuse.. but he does have a temper. I hope this therapist can shed some light in these topics. She seems very boundary and goal oriented. Thank you for your prayers, and help. I am truely grateful.
May God bless you and keep you.
Love, trying to understand
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Fri Sep 25th, 2009 03:41 pm |
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Dear Trying to Understand,
My husband admits that he blamed me for the entire term of our marriage. This is how they justify their behavior. It's a mind game that they play with themselves. I'm getting pretty good at recognizing it. My husband seems to have come to terms with reality, no longer blames me or so he says, but other problems are surfacing. More on that later.
Denial is also what kept my husband from attending Sexaholics Anonymous for nearly two months. He didn't think he "needed" it. That's just nonsense. It's part of the disease. Your husband is lying to himself as much as he is lying to you. He may know the truth in his heart, then it is an active lie, but if he doesn't......I think it is fair to assume that it is just part of the disease.
I can give you another example of the potent power of denial. Either my husband is in denial, or he is still actively lying to me. On Wednesday evening, we met with my therapist. The therapist was probing his views of women. My husband said he viewed women as equals (lie), that part of his problem was that he had treated me like an equal (lie), that he had treated me like another man (weird), and he said that thought I wanted the same things out of the relationship that he did (lie).
My therapist honed in on his assertion that he saw women as equals. My husband expounded on how he worked with and for many women and viewed them as equals...blah, blah, blah, blah........I let him ramble on and finish, then I said (pardon my french) "THAT WAS B S. EVERY WORD OF IT. HE HAD PICTURES, HEADSHOTS OF WOMEN WITH WHOM HE WORKED ON HIS COMPUTER. He used them to make "fakes," basically pasting their heads onto naked bodies and using them while he "pleasured himself." Tell me how you can see a woman as an equal if you've made a naked picture using her head?" He didn't deny it. He couldn't deny the truth of my words. I have the evidence at my office. I guess he didn't now just how much "discovery" I had done before I confronted him. He says that this is just a disconnect in his head. I don't believe it. I don't believe this is simply a disconnect. He's actively lying to me.
The important point here is this: Addicts lie. You cannot trust them. I'm still internalizing that. Intellectually I know the truth of it, but emotionally I'm still coming to terms with it. IN this particular instance, I believe my husband was actively lying. He's good at it. I'm only starting to realize how good. He can look me straight in the eye and lie. But now that I know what to look for, I see a change in his body language when he's actively lying. He has not learned to hide that, yet. See if you can detect it in your husband. Once you catch him in a lie a couple of times, and observe the posture that accompanies it, you'll be able to tell.
I am again questioning if I should stay in this marriage. I don't think I can ever trust him again. Even though he says he's been "sober" since I confronted him, I'm starting to think that is a lie too.
I'm going to my s-anon meeting tonight. I'm going to talk with my sisters there....see what they have to say.
Stand strong my friend, stand strong. I hope your therapist can help you define goals and get to the TRUTH of the matter.....cut through the nonsense.........pin him down and force him to accept the fact that he needs treatment and NONE of this is your fault.
With loving support, Devastated Wife
Last edited on Sun Sep 27th, 2009 04:26 am by truthseeker
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My best, Devastated Wife
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Posted: Sat Sep 26th, 2009 06:02 pm |
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Dear devastated wife,
You insight is so helpful, thank you so much!! I agree with everything especially the "bs" seems to be my fav word lately. I'll let you know how tings go. My husband said that he has not viewed porn for three weeks now. I do not believe him, but I can't find anything on his computer that says he is. I feel for you, and sometimes I think, maybe it would be easier to just give up, and move on. I do love him, but now that I am putting the focus on myself, I am starting to feel that I really am not happy. He doesn't share the love that I need from him, and I am not sure he ever will. I used to focus on him, and what he was doing. I don't know if I did this on purpose to hide my true feelings within myself. I am starting to get confused. So we'll see what happens. I am praying for you, and your husband. I understadn completely how you feel, because I feel the same way. I also saw that you live in NJ. me too!! I'm in southern NJ. I am looking to join the s-anon meetings as well. Hope you have a wonderful weekend, and good luck!!
May God bless you and keep you, good friend..
Love, trying to understand
Last edited on Sun Sep 27th, 2009 04:16 am by truthseeker
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Sep 27th, 2009 04:49 am |
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Hi, ladies,
Please keep in mind that I am further removed from the rawness of the pain, though I hope I have not lost touch with it to the point that I am lacking impathy, and that I am not either a pastor or theologian.
Having said that, I believe that it is important to keep focused on God's Word as the Rock of our truth. While the Bible does give adultery as the primary legitimate grounds for divorce, and Jesus placed lust on a par with adultery, it is still something for which consultation with your pastor is tremendously important. I do not mean to minimize the importance of protecting children, or striving to build/rebuild a healthy marriage, but urge you to consider that for our lives to glorify God and conform to His will does not always lead us on the happiest of paths. I believe that we tread on shaky ground if we place our individual happiness above conforming to the example of our Savior.
It took a long time for addicts to get as deep as they have, and will undoubtedly take some quantity of time, most likely with ups and downs, to be transformed by the renewing of their minds. Rom. 12:1-2.
Please do not hand Satan one of his favorite tools--discouragement.
Praying for you all...
TruthSeeker
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Mon Sep 28th, 2009 11:39 am |
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I am 47 years old and I'm not getting any younger. I've lived Proverbs 31. I've lived for my children. I've lived my life around theirs, around his.
He has two years.
If he does not get it together within two years, I'm done.
The test I use is this: If my daughter came to me and confided that HER HUSBAND had been doing X, Y, and Z, what would I advise her?
I've already been too patient. I've been too understanding throughout.
The Lord would never ask me to endure ongoing adultery or lies. Any woman who would permit herself to stay in such an abusive relationship lacks self-esteem and needs counseling. Every additional lie is like a physical blow. No one should endure that.
The first inkling that I get that he's not serious about his recovery, I'm done.
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Mon Sep 28th, 2009 01:45 pm |
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Dear Trying to Understand,
If your husband has only been "sober" for three weeks, it's probably too early for him to show you any real love or affection. I'm sorry to have to say this, but any sexual advances that he makes to you now are probably not based in love, but are withdrawal based. This is one of those times when I hope I am WRONG, but I want you to consider the possibility. It took my husband over two months to truly dry out. I do see changes in him, positive changes, but a 30+ year habit cannot be broken in two plus months. If your husband has only been sober for three weeks, chances are you are still dealing with a drug impaired brain. Maybe your husband is coming up out of the stupor faster than mine did. I hope so, but it seems too soon if he's been using porn for a decade or more.
I totally understand your need to question if you will ever get what you need from this relationship. I've been there myself and I'm still there. But in reality, I think it's too soon to answer that question. Our husbands are too newly "sober." We haven't seen enough of the real them to decide whether to stay or not----ASSUMING that they are not engaged in adultery or active lies. If they are engaged in further adultery or actively lying to us, I think it is fair to assume they are not serious about their recovery. I've tried to live a lie for 23 years, tried to make the lie work. I'm not about to waste one more precious minute trying to work with someone who is actively lying to me. That is probably an easier position for me to take given that my children are grown. But, if I had it to do over again, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't make the same decisions. I would have left him. The thing that still haunts me, still terrifies me is that my children have internalized the message that they are unworthy of their fathers time or attention. They only have value if they "perform"...ie do well in school, etc. I regret that I didn't raise them in a healthier family, that I did not get to the bottom of this sooner.
Please do not subordinate your needs the way I did. I was last on the list. You can do that for a while, but eventually, your emotional health will suffer to the point that your children will suffer. The way to visualize it is to think of a mother who would give the last morsel of food to her children while allowing herself to starve. Eventually, Mom dies and there is no one left to care for the children. You have to care for yourself....in proper measure....and if you cannot get your basic emotional needs for love and companionship met in your current relationship, you and your children will be better off if you leave. That is a decision only you can make. It is fact specific, specific to your situation. As much as we want to believe that we have infinite emotional reserves, that we can give to our children without having our basic needs met, the truth is we can't. Eventually, like the mother who starves herself to death so that her children can live, eventually Mom will die and the children will be left parent-less.
Provided they remain committed to their recovery, I think it is too soon for either one of us to determine whether our husbands will ever be able to have healthy spiritual, emotional or physical relationships. It is a question that haunts me to this day. I really wish I could foresee the future, but I can't. I talked more with my husband about the disconnect between his objectification of women and his proclamation that he sees them as equals. He assures me that it is just a disconnect in his brain, not an active lie. I'm not sure I buy it, but we are going to explore it further this week with our respective therapists.
Please be strong and know that I am praying for you and all women who have been impacted by porn and adultery.
With loving support, Devastated Wife
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My best, Devastated Wife
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed Sep 30th, 2009 08:40 pm |
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Dear Trying to Understand,
We saw his therapist last night, and while trying to help me reconcile his assertion that "he saw women as equals" with the fact that he had pictures of women with whom he worked on his computer, she explained: "Men are like waffles, women are like spaghetti."
Apparently, that is the title of a book. I looked at it on Amazon, the reviewers panned it, but his therapist seemed to think it might be worthwhile to read it. She explained that men compartmentalize things much better than women. Whereas we see things as all interconnected, men tend to see things in boxes. If that is true, then it would explain why I see his positions as totally incongruous, but he sees work vs. lust......... as he stated.......totally separate and apart.
Just more food for thought........thought I'd pass it along to those who are still struggling to understand. Every tid-bit of information helps.
Praying for you and other women who have been impacted by porn and adultery.........
With loving support, Devastated Wife
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My best, Devastated Wife
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Oct 1st, 2009 03:40 am |
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Such generalizations can be helpful, though they obviously do not describe all men or all women. But all of those boxes are still visible to God, and none of our spaghetti is ever too tangled for Him to understand.
I believe God gave us one another to complement and balance one another, being able to become one, not because we are so alike, but precisely because we are so different. Part of completing one another, though, in my opinion, is to be able to lovingly, or even tough lovingly cut through those inner boundaries of the waffle, or permit our husbands to detangle our spaghetti.
But sin is sin, even if some of the compartments are filled with so much pain or emptiness that he avoids dealing with them by getting addictively absorbed in a new box.
I'm glad that these images are helping you differentiate between subconscious disconnects and intentional deceit.
Praying for all,
TruthSeeker
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jjules
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 10:41 pm |
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hi, i know im probably super late in replying. i just had an urge to respond. where you ask abt why you have to initiate sexual intimacy. i understand wanting to be desired, but a sex addict is a selfish self absorbed person. they think you should be like the readily available 'fantasy' woman of images they view and in my husbands case like the prostitutes whose job it is to 'relieve' him sexually. he therefore thought i should be a mind reader, know exactly what he liked and how, and to just "DO" what he wanted without anythought to my pleasure - how he treated me that day - if we were emotionally connected or not - and get angry when i wasnt 'like them'. my husband spent ten years masturbating to pornography and also visiting prostitutes and he has been 'sober' 2 years according to him. im currently running a search of our computer i feel like hes lying to me. perhaps its the lack of trust still but he is resisting counselling. we shall see.
trying to understand wrote:
I am new to this site, and I was wondering if anyone could help me. My husband and I have been together for seven years, and he does not try to make love with me. i would always be the one to approach him. This has always been the case, and I thought he just had a low sex drive. I knew he viewed pornography, but I didn't know he had a problem with it. i always asked him to stop, but he never would. he found other ways to do it behind my back, and I used to get angry, but now I am starting to understand. He has an addiction to Pornography, not sure about masturbating, but in my heart I feel that it is part of the problem too. I am trying to work with him, and support him through this, as he is seeing a doctor for his addiction. I wanted to know from people that had this experience, or may have some suggestions for me. I am feeling unloved, unattractive, and most of all hurt even though I acknowledge that this is a serious illness. After we had our first child, he really found me even less attractive, and that really hurt. I now have lost the weight, but nothing has changed. I just don't know what to do, and I am praying to God for some guidance. Will my husband ever want me sexually, or is he ruined forever living in the fantasies that I cannot fulfill? Is there anything that I can do?
Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
trying to understand
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Fri Nov 20th, 2009 12:33 pm |
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Hello jjules.......
The pain, loneliness and rejection that you have felt comes through loud and clear in your post, and rest assured, it was a direct result of his porn addiction.
My husband has only been "sober" for about 4 months now, or so he says. I still don't trust him or the truth of anything he tells me. Trust is still elusive. If that little voice in your head says that your husband has relapsed, he probably has. We have a sixth sense about these things that our husbands lack. My s-anon sisters tell me there is "a look" that they get when they have relapsed, a dullness to the eyes, etc.....the look of a drug addict who is under the influence. I have not yet seen it in my husband, and I pray that I never will, but thought I'd pass what I've been told along.
Trust your gut. If you've noticed a change in his behavior and demeanor, you're probably right.
Praying for you and all who've been impacted by porn addiction........
My best, Devastated Wife
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My best, Devastated Wife
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