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timeforchange
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Posted: Wed Nov 25th, 2009 12:32 am |
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This post is more about a general side effect of addiction than a Christian element.
I've been struggling with porn addiction for some time now, enough that it feels weird when I'm sober for a while. I was wondering if anyone knowledgeable or experienced enough with addiction would be able to tell me if this makes you more introverted. Since middle school I've been surrounded by extroverted kids, and I have always felt like I have nothing of interest to say around them. I have been told that I am too quiet or too shy. Now of course I don't want to be defined by other people, but I'm not sure if they're telling the truth or not. It often seems like I go around with little to say, but I don't think of myself as shy or an introvert. Is it possible that the addiction gives me social anxiety?
Now, I'm not a hard-partying kind of guy. Beside the obvious Christian principles I try to stick to (I'm much better with those when I'm not alone and porn is not around) I find some of the ways other kids have fun at parties odd and difficult to relate to. I have gotten nervous when I go to parties where those types of kids are. Then I have nothing to say and I get self-conscious. But here's the thing: I've found that when I'm sober for about two weeks or more, I have felt comfortable and not worried about any of those things. I have gone to social functions where I have previously been scared and felt fine. It has been much easier to talk to people because I feel at ease with myself. And also, even when I am addicted I have been much more comfortable around some kids, but when I am addicted it becomes more difficult to hold a conversation with them.
Sorry for the long explanations. My teenage angst aside, is my addiction reshaping my personality? Is it withdrawing me into a shell, or am I probably just that way naturally and seeing things that aren't there? I am not trying to use my addiction as an excuse for the way I am, but I have felt a noticeable enough difference that it makes me wonder if I'm not really like I feel right now. Has anyone else ever felt something similar?Last edited on Wed Nov 25th, 2009 12:33 am by timeforchange
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TM2
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Posted: Wed Nov 25th, 2009 02:42 am |
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Obviously, I can only speak for myself, but I have become more introverted with time. Was that caused by my addiction? I don't know. It may be sort of a chicken and egg thing. I used porn. I felt inadequate and ashamed. I couldn't be honest with others. I was hiding a lot from others. It was a strain to be around others. All those things went together for me, or looped back on themselves. But the result was that yes, I withdrew from other people. One of the things I'm finding in recovery is the chance to make friends and to feel more at ease around other people.
I think addictions definitely affect personality. It's common for addicts to think of themselves as having at least two personae - Tim the addict and regular Tim. For me, I think there were (and to some degree, are) more parts than just those two. Tim the scholar and Tim the Christian and Tim the parent didn't really interact much, either. In many ways, none of these shattered fragments was very interesting by itself, and all were under great strain projecting a front. That under this strain, it was easier not to interact deeply with other people is hardly a surprise.
For me, addiction has gone with emotional deadness, with hiding and dishonesty, with despair, and with rage - rage because I could not control myself, and endeavored to control others; rage because I was angry at myself, and I directed that anger outward; rage because if I was angry at my family not meeting my needs, then I could justify seeking pleasure elsewhere, with porn. I don't say porn caused those changes; I say they and porn went along together.
There's probably more I could say on this, but I suddenly discover it's past my bed time. Good night.
Tim M.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Wed Nov 25th, 2009 10:53 am |
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Dear TimeForChange,
As I was reading your post, I was reminded of Mike Genung's writing on this subject. Please see: http://www.blazinggrace.org/cms/bg/masturbation
I think the short answer to your question as to whether masturbation is reshaping your personality is "yes."
My husband has/had a 30+ year addiction. He's been "sober" for 4 months and I see remarkable, positive changes in him. For your sake, and the sake of your future wife, please pursue recovery.
My best, Devastated Wife
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My best, Devastated Wife
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Sat Nov 28th, 2009 08:29 pm |
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Dear TimeForChange,
I've just started reading "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken. I'm only 20 pages in, but it has already provided me with tremendous insights. I thought of you when I read this passage:
"...Addiction, ike other majory illnesses, changes people in permanent ways. In state one, a personality will be permanenelty altered. Addiction is so powerful that it can permanently alter a person's personality.
When people enter the addictive process, most either will continue in it for life or will reach a point where they, with the help of others, consciously coose anothe rlifestyle called "recovery." Like many other diseases, addiction grows and developes within, long before it reachesa stage where it is recognized by the addict and others...."
Please know we are praying for you.........
My best, Devastated Wife
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Sat Nov 28th, 2009 08:44 pm |
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I should have waited to hit the send button. There's more:
"....The most important aspect of Stage One is the creation of this addictive personality; the Self and the Addict. The Self represents the "normal," human side of the addicted person, while the Addict represents the side that is consumed and transformed by the addiction. Eventually, the addicted person forms a dependent relationship with his or her own addictive personality. The following quote from Robert Louis Stevenson's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde provides an accurate illustration of these two sides of the addict's personality. In this quote, Dr. Jekyll describes the loss of his "Self."
......whereas in the beginning the difficulty had been to throww off the body of Jekyll, it had of late gradually but decidedly transferred itself to the other side...I was slowly losing hold of my original and better self and becoming slowly incoroporated with my second and worse self..."
"...If you were raised in a family where closeness was not a reality, you are much more prone to form an addictive relationship, for two reasons: first, you were taught to distance yourself from people, not connect with them second, growing up in this type of family left you with a deep, lonely emptiness that you've wanted to have filled. Addiction offers the illusion of such fulfillment. If you were raised in a family where people were treated as objects rather than as people, you have already been taught addictive logic. In this case, recovery is not a return to a healthier self, but a need to develop a new personality...."
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My best, Devastated Wife
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TM2
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Posted: Sat Nov 28th, 2009 09:11 pm |
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I haven't read any of Craig Nakken's work, but early in my recovery, my counselor had me watch a video of Nakken's about addiction. I really learned a lot from it, and I think very highly of Nakken's understanding of addiction and his ability to convey how it works.
Just a small testimonial.
Tim M.
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timeforchange
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Posted: Sun Nov 29th, 2009 07:56 pm |
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Well, my family is certainly not the reason then. The problem for me is, I have felt the pull of this addiction since puberty started. (That's normally the age when people start experimenting with their own sexuality, right?) I first started not knowing what the addiction was. I would have sexual fantasies with women in my mind for about 5 years. Then I started viewing pornography about a year ago (the fantasies went away entirely after that), and started masturbation about 3 months ago. (I feel like I'm on a shrink's couch here...)
Anyway, that part about the addictive personality becoming permanent is really scary. I feel like when I am sober for long enough periods I feel different but then I screw up and fall back to "normal", which is my addictive personality. I mean, the last two summers and last January, I went for about 2-3 weeks sober and really saw a change. I felt better about myself, felt like I had a better understanding of God, and was hopeful. Then all 3 times, one night where I was too relaxed, I was tempted and my brain gave way to my addictive self.
I can't believe that I will permanently be this way. I know I am not really like this, even though I have been like this so much that it feels normal. I need to have faith that God will change me into who He wants me to be.
Anyways, thanks for your response. I'll have to read more by this guy. He seems to have a lot of it figured out.
Last edited on Sun Nov 29th, 2009 07:57 pm by timeforchange
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InnerGold
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Posted: Fri Jan 29th, 2010 05:31 pm |
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I recognize this is an older post but InnerGold specializes in treating sex addiction issues using the brain. Watch the video presentation that was done to local medical professionals about addiction. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft_ILdp4qlg
Below I have listed signs and symptoms of addiction.
A huge aspect of addiction is lack of logically and rationally thinking about something and most of the symptoms are mental or beginning with the brain, as you can tell from the common symptoms.
Common Signs and Symptoms of Pornography/Sexual Addiction
Disengaged
Not fully present when with others
Exhaustion – both physically and emotionally
Feel like two different people
Secret behaviors
Embarrassed about personal behaviors
Deliberately vague: Omit facts, distort truth when questioned and stay out of the light.
Avoid direct questions
Tend to isolate
Easily frustrated
Use anger as a weapon to control others
Low self-esteem
Build up self by putting others down
Fatigue
Foggy mind
Attempt to change the subject and confuse by introducing irrelevant material.
Agree without commitment (say ‘yes’ without any commitment to it)
Claim to be changed after doing the right thing only briefly.
Accuse others of misunderstanding.
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Changing the World One Person at a Time - Gain hope, confidence and long-term sobriety. http://innergold.com
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jaybaines30
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Posted: Mon Feb 8th, 2010 12:58 am |
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Excuse me, Mr. InnerGold, Sorry to disagree with you, no ofense, but none of the symptoms and signs you describe are part of being addicted. Of course I will go one by one with you. Maybe, maybe at the least I would consider exhaustion as signs or symptoms of addiction. Before I go on here is the link to some of the signs of addiction http://addictioncontrol.blogspot.com/2009/11/some-of-signs-of-addiction.html
So lets go through your list :
disenged, not fully present with others,Foggy mind =is not caused by addiction. It is caused by trying to get rid of or push the addictive desire out of your mind, causing split focus.
feel like two different people = Face it you are addicted, part of you want to act addictively and part of you wants to stop, theres big conflict in the mind. People who do not want to stop(usually in the begining of the addiction) do not feel like two different people because they only want to act addictively and do not want to stop.
Secret behaviors, Embarrassed about personal behaviors, Deliberately vague: Omit facts, distort truth when questioned and stay out of the light ,Avoid direct questions, Tend to isolate, Use anger as a weapon to control others, Low self-esteem, Build up self by putting others down
=There are people who are not addicted to anything and they feel or do the listed above. These are not signs or symptoms of the addiction, it is about your choices and the person you are trying to be.
I would explain the rest but i believe i have proven my point.
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InnerGold
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Posted: Mon Feb 8th, 2010 05:05 pm |
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jaybaines,
Glad to always debate differing views, but I went to your page and found that we have listed similar things without phrasing it the same way.
Yes these are signs of an addiction. Notice I said common signs and symptoms but I agree with you that these are signs of an addiction. I also listed some symptoms. These are definitely not all of them but it helps give a good gauge to start someone rationally thinking about their situation.
Some of the signs of an addiction
The behavior increases over time - i agree
The behavior is self destructive - i agree
The behavior causes harms to others - i agree
The behavior is used to alter moods - i agree
The behavior is just a quick empty high - i agreeLast edited on Mon Feb 8th, 2010 05:06 pm by InnerGold
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Changing the World One Person at a Time - Gain hope, confidence and long-term sobriety. http://innergold.com
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