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claire
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Posted: Fri Feb 26th, 2010 08:07 pm |
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Last edited on Tue Mar 2nd, 2010 09:00 pm by claire
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Feb 26th, 2010 11:13 pm |
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Hi Claire,
I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that your husband is so unresponsive. He is denying Christ's very words in Matthew 5 if he refuses to acknowledge his lust as being equal with adultery.
While nothing is impossible with God, humanly speaking there is nothing that you can do to prevent your husband choosing porn over God and you and leaving. In fact, it sounds like the threat of possibly leaving is yet more emotional abuse to try and stifle you holding him accountable for his impure, unfaithful behavior.
It is not at all uncommon for men to try and blame their wives for their choices. If they can "justify" their behavior in their own mind, then they don't have to deal with either the behavior or the plaguing guilt.
I suggest proceeding as per Matthew 18:15-17. In addition to being your husband, he claims to be a fellow believer. It may be difficult to find a trustworthy person or two with whom to confront him, but if he will not listen to you...
Another possibility, though it may not bring him to repentance, is present him with an ultimatum that he must do X Y and Z to get help within a certain amount of time or you will file for a legal separation, but only if you are willing and able to follow through.
Even if he feels that there is sin in your life that he would like to see addressed, he cannot justify his sin by yours, because it is against his holy Savior he has sinned first, then you. He will be judged for his sin alone, and Scripture does not lead us to believe that mitigating circumstances, like mere unhappiness, or others' sin will be acknowledged.
All sorts of sin can mar God's design for marriage, but sexual sin tears at the very fabric of our being one. It is the only legitimate cause that Jesus specifically names in Matt. 19 for divorce.
The anger and cycle with pornography probably have their roots in childhood or adolescence and are unrelated to the relationship between the two of you. It will likely take the expertise of a professional counsellor to help him unravel that history and start the healing process.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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TM2
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Posted: Fri Feb 26th, 2010 11:39 pm |
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It's certainly not you. Not a chance.
For me and for many people, anger is a big part of the addictive cycle.
We get angry in order to defend our habit, which an active addict will hold on to above all else.
We get angry because we don't know our own feelings, and anger seems to us to be the one acceptable masculine emotion.
We get angry at the people around us because we are angry at ourselves.
We get angry to try to control others because we cannot control ourselves.
For me, the deepest part of my anger is that I get angry because if I am angry, if believe I am in the right and have been wronged, if in my rage I know my family isn't meeting my needs and caring for me, then of course it's OK for me to go off by myself and try to meet those needs through porn.
Obviously none of those are good reasons to be angry, but they're how the disease works.
The anger is hugely harmful to our wives and our children. The magnitude of the anger is less important than its unpredictability. After many years as a verbally abusive husband and father, I have many years work ahead of me to repair the damage I have done.
What do you do? I wish I had a happy answer to that. You'll also get better answers from your fellow spouses of addicts than you can from me. They've been there, and I haven't. Here's what I think I learn from listening to them, though. You can't fix him. You can't make him want to get better. You can't control him. All that has to come from within him, and if right now he is responding in anger and threats, then he is nowhere near ready to change.
You can set boundaries to protect yourself, both physically and emotionally. You can decide what you will tolerate and what you will not. For instance (and these are only examples), you could decide that if he yells, you will leave and stay at a motel overnight. You can decide that if he uses porn, you will not support his hurtful behavior by buying and cooking him food. You can decide that whether or not he will seek out help, you need to work with a counselor or support group to keep yourself healthy and serene. You can decide that unless he makes you feel safe and loved by getting counseling himself, you will leave. You can make any number of choices like that. Of course, you would be entirely justified should you decide to divorce rather than to put up with continued visual adultery.
The boundaries you set have to be boundaries designed to keep you safe, not boundaries designed to make him change. He may or may not change. You can't control that. It's also absolutely critical that you not state consequences you are not prepared to follow through on. Never ever say you'll leave or do whatever unless you'll really do it. Otherwise, you teach him that he can get away with the unacceptable behavior as long as he's stubborn or angry enough. That's disastrous.
You can also take whatever actions you need to take in order to keep yourself well emotionally, physically and spiritually. You can read and inform yourself on addiction. You can attend support groups for partners of addicts. You can work with a counselor, or with a physician if you're depressed. If you need to share your story with friends - to make yourself feel better, not to hurt him - you can do that. Just because he won't seek help doesn't mean you can't.
You have a tough row to hoe. People find healing from all manner of addictions. He may do that. It's the hardest thing most of us will ever do, but it's also the most important and the most rewarding. But he also may not, in which case you have to decide whether it is better to detach emotionally and stay married or to refuse to stay in the pain.
You don't have to put up with this. Yes, many men, like him and like me, are abusive addicts. But many are not, and no one has a right to be. You have an absolute right to be free of threats and free of anger and free of abuse.
May you find that freedom. May he also move to where he discovers that he, too, is living in a world of pain, but a world from which there is a path to freedom for him as well.
Tim M.
edited to add: Truthseeker poster her reply while I was writing this. Do take seriously her words from a fellow spouse and from a very wise and compassionate member of this board.Last edited on Fri Feb 26th, 2010 11:43 pm by TM2
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claire
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Posted: Sat Feb 27th, 2010 02:19 am |
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Last edited on Tue Mar 2nd, 2010 09:00 pm by claire
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Feb 27th, 2010 04:43 am |
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Hi Claire,
I have no idea where your husband tries to fit faith in to all of this, because it sure sounds to me like he is not loving you as Christ loves the church.
And it doesn't sound like Philippians 4:8 is affecting his choices. "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." NIV
Unless you want to live like this the rest of your life, it is time for intervention/marriage counseling, with a Christian counselor. It sounds like a third party is necessary to sort out everything. Only breaking the cycle of lying, shame, and secrecy will bring any hope of restoration in your marriage.
If your husband finds more comfort in porn than in God's holy Word, something is desperately wrong!
Everyone's jurney of faith involves working on ourselves, but there is nothing you can do about yourself that will change your husband, because his saying that you are the problem is a smoke screen for denying his own problems. If he serves in any capacity of teaching/leadership at your church, the pastor must be told.
There are some great articles about the roots of addiction/dysfunction here.
http://www.pureintimacy.org
Praying...
TruthSeeker
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InnerGold
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Posted: Mon Mar 1st, 2010 05:07 pm |
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Claire,
You are not the problem. He is responsible for his own actions. You are not forcing him to do anything. He is choosing to participate in this behavior.
This is a common question we receive, "Am I not available enough for my spouse or giving them what they want?"
We asked this question to Gordon, founder of InnerGold and responds here: http://helpforpornaddicts.com/q-a-sexual-addiction-not-spouses-fault
Again, don't beat yourself up, he is making his own decisions.
Now on a different note,
he says I just cant possibly
understand and says he cant promise not to do it.
This is because he has trained his brain that he need porn for survival and he does not know what to do. He may have tried to stop but he is trying to force it. Like anything, the harder you fight against it the stronger something may get but once an addict realizes that he is going to be dealing with this for the rest of his life and learns how to implement the Language of Recovery in his life. It is not an event, it is process and a way of life that many world-wide are finding long-term sobriety.
____________________
Changing the World One Person at a Time - Gain hope, confidence and long-term sobriety. http://innergold.com
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