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| Moderated by: truthseeker, bil4913 | Page:   1 2 3 4 5   |
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| Wife of 6-years wants a Divorce | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Sat Nov 5th, 2011 04:02 am |
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41st Post |
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need2bfree Member
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Dear Aaronlong, I agree that you are hurting too, and divorce is not great for kids. It is sad to say that this particular addiction can really destroy a bond between two people, and break up a family. But I do agree your son shouldn't be going across country away from you. Pray for peace!
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| Posted: Sat Nov 5th, 2011 11:17 am |
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42nd Post |
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Man Member
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aaronleong wrote: Man/DW/Everybody -- I think I will back up a little and tell y'all that neither my wife nor I were role models in this marriage. I brought porn and lies, and she brought emotional incest and other psychological trauma into the mix. But we were and are good parents, despite the fact that I didn't treat my wife like a husband should or that she was more driven and absent from our son because she was pursuing her medical profession. There's a whole lot at play here, which is too hard to describe and explain. Pointless too. "Man/DW/Everybody -- I think I will back up a little and tell y'all that neither my wife nor I were role models in this marriage. I brought porn and lies, and she brought emotional incest and other psychological trauma into the mix. But we were and are good parents, despite the fact that I didn't treat my wife like a husband should or that she was more driven and absent from our son because she was pursuing her medical profession. There's a whole lot at play here, which is too hard to describe and explain. Pointless too. " What do you achieve when you talk about your wife's mistakes? (I am not saying she doesn't have any.) What is a good parent for you? "Thankfully our son is only 3. He doesn't remember a lick about what I did (firstly the issues between my wife and I were mostly private, and secondly he was one and a half years old), but he remembers mommy leaving (he was two years old then) and sadly thinks a broken home is normal. " How do you know that your son does not remember? I am open to the idea that a child can be influenced even when it is in the womb of his/ her mother. "Where's the love and support of this place when people start "reminding" you (as if I don't reminding in the first place) that I screwed up my family and hurt my wife?" What is love and support for you? "At this point, shouldn't we all strive to be better, if not for ourselves, but also for our legacy?" Here you are trying to change other people. That's impossible. I am sorry. "And no, I'm not using our son to shield my responsibility in this." That's good. How can you take your responsibility. "I have a responsibility to him now, and if my wife thinks that it's parentally responsible to expose our son to the emotional, psychological, relational damages a child from a broken home has to offer, then..." Yes, what then? Leave it to her. Don't deal with her eventually problems. "Speaking of resentment, it's interesting (and sad) that this is the only porn addiction and divorce help website that I'm a member of (I'm active in several) where hazing by disgruntled people happens so frequently." What do you find interesting? Can you be more specific? And what do you want to achieve when blaming others? You also need to be more specific. "I don't think the term 'blazing grace' is reserved to the Big Guy upstairs. We should practice that too once in a while." Grace is very important. I agree, but what do you want to achive when you try to change others? You can't change other people. It's impossible. The only one that can change you is you, and the only one that can change your wife is your wife and so on, eventually with help from the Higher Power. Or actually the Higher Power has to do the change, but as far as I know only if the person is willing. Grace! Last edited on Sat Nov 5th, 2011 11:33 am by Man ____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Sat Nov 5th, 2011 01:03 pm |
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43rd Post |
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truthseeker Administrator 
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Hi Aaron, I am sorry that you find some of the members here unhelpful. Please look for what is helpful, and leave the rest. Sometimes those in recovery need to have tough questions asked, but I am not always certain where to draw that line. May this also be a reminder to all members to consider the tenor of your comments and questions, which should stem from a genuine desire to help others, not the boiling over from your own pain. When each situation is not looked at separate from our own, we are in danger of projecting our details onto others, where they are not necessarily analogous situations. TruthSeeker
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| Posted: Sat Nov 5th, 2011 05:38 pm |
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44th Post |
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Man Member
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aaronleong wrote: Man wrote: Dear Aaronleong 2. What exactly does your son suffer? What kind of fruits come out? 3. Practical actions? What are they? Best!
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Sun Nov 6th, 2011 05:25 pm |
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45th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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Addicts are not awesome fathers....another self-deception. Addicts are self-centered adolescents trapped in men's bodies. Addicts do not have the emotional where with all to be awesome fathers. Their children are noisy little distractions to be avoided at all costs or worse, objects to be exploited. I think your perception of the whole situation is warped by your porn use. Your wife is doing what she feels is best for her child. See: http://www.netnanny.com/learn_center/article/126
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2011 12:46 am |
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46th Post |
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truthseeker Administrator
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DW, while there are many commonalities in addiction, each person and family dynamic differs to varying degrees. Some are repentent, some in denial. Some are steeped and hardened, others realizing much sooner that their behavior is going in a direction they recognize as destructive. Please try not to see all who recognize a need to make changes in their integrity through the filter of your husband who does not seem yet to have recognized his need. TruthSeeker
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| Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2011 01:07 pm |
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47th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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His need to proclaim that he us a great father us quite telling. So are his repeated attempts to blame the victim--his wife. He's no different. He's still stuck in the vortex of self-deception.
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2011 09:04 pm |
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48th Post |
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aaronleong Member
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Once, there were two field mice who loved milk. The lived near a dairy barn and loved to go in the barn and lap up the spilled fresh milk. One day, the two mice are in the barn and as they're walking across a wooden plank, the plank slips and the two mice fall into a bucket of raw milk. Now, the two mice are friends, but one of the mice is a pessimist and one is an optimist. The bucket is about half full of milk and despite their best efforts the mice can't get out of the bucket. The pessimist mouse says "We're going to die, we might as well just drown." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk." An hour later the pessimist says "I can't go on any longer, we might as well just drown." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk." Another hour goes by and the pessimist says, "I can't go on, it hurts too bad and I'm tired." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk." Still another hour goes by and pessimist says, "Listen... I really can't do this any more. My legs hurt, my body hurts, and I'm so very tired. We should just let ourselves drown." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk." And yet another hour goes by. Now the pessimist has had enough. He says, "Ok, I'm done. I can't go on anymore. We all have limits and I've reached mine. Please, can't we just let ourselves die. It's hopeless and why do we keep hoping against hope." The optimist mouse says "Just keep treading milk." Finally... the pessimist is done. He tells the optimist that he will not keep treading milk. But suddenly... the pessimist realizes that the milk isn't really milk anymore. It's harder... he can step on it. The milk has turned into butter. The two mice stand on the butter and hope out of the bucket. This story I read recently is a perfect metaphor for the walk-away-spouse situation. The person (folks in similar situation as I am) trying to salvage what is has to be the optimist mouse. We have to keep treading the milk. We have to keep showing our spouse that we're treading the milk so they should too... even if it's half-heartedly. Or at the very least don't just drown themselves in pity and anger. And eventually... without us even realizing it, suddenly our milk may turn to butter and we can pull ourselves out of our bucket. Idealistic? Maybe, but worth trying, right? My wife did the lamenting and begging before, so now it's my turn to try. (Conversely, this story can even be applied as a perfect metaphor to the "victimized" (I hate using that word) spouse too.) Last edited on Mon Nov 7th, 2011 09:36 pm by aaronleong ____________________ Me: 35, Wife: 29 Son: 3.5 M: 6 yrs, T: 8 yrs Separated: 06/04/10; Wife wanted divorce: 11/10; Wife & son moved 02/26/11; Wife serves papers 03/20/11 (paper dated 03/14) Responded 04/12/11 Filed child custody 04/20/12 |
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| Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2011 09:30 pm |
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49th Post |
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Man Member
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Aaron, do you think it works if you try harder with your own effort?
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2011 09:30 pm |
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50th Post |
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Man Member
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Devastated Wife wrote: His need to proclaim that he us a great father us quite telling. So are his repeated attempts to blame the victim--his wife. DW, I have a feeling you're right.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2011 09:38 pm |
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51st Post |
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aaronleong Member
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Man wrote: Aaron, do you think it works if you try harder with your own effort? Hi Man! Can you clarify: Are you asking if what I'm doing is actually working, or was that rhetorical?
____________________ Me: 35, Wife: 29 Son: 3.5 M: 6 yrs, T: 8 yrs Separated: 06/04/10; Wife wanted divorce: 11/10; Wife & son moved 02/26/11; Wife serves papers 03/20/11 (paper dated 03/14) Responded 04/12/11 Filed child custody 04/20/12 |
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| Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2011 09:46 pm |
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52nd Post |
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Man Member
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Aaronleong: I am asking.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2011 09:54 pm |
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53rd Post |
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aaronleong Member
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Man wrote: Devastated Wife wrote:His need to proclaim that he us a great father us quite telling. So are his repeated attempts to blame the victim--his wife. I don't see the point of lingering on the past for an indefinite period of time (i.e. I was a horrible person/husband/father/friend/employee/Christian). It does no good to one's self...it's self-destructive and self-pitying. And in the case of porn addiction, it sure doesn't help with the recovery. I am sorry and regretful of what I did (mind you, I'm not claiming I'm over the addiction -- far from it, but thanks to the tools I've surrounded myself with, I am in control of it more than ever and dang proud of it), but I have to move forward. Therefore, I repeat this mantra when I wake up every morning - I'm going to be best person, father, husband, lover, friend, Christian, companion and employee to anyone and everyone.
____________________ Me: 35, Wife: 29 Son: 3.5 M: 6 yrs, T: 8 yrs Separated: 06/04/10; Wife wanted divorce: 11/10; Wife & son moved 02/26/11; Wife serves papers 03/20/11 (paper dated 03/14) Responded 04/12/11 Filed child custody 04/20/12 |
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| Posted: Tue Nov 8th, 2011 08:51 am |
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54th Post |
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Man Member
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Okay Aaron, but does it help you? What kind of fruits/ results do you get in your life? do you get peace, love, joy?
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Sun Nov 13th, 2011 10:12 pm |
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55th Post |
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Man Member
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Okay, what's up guys?
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Wed Dec 28th, 2011 04:56 pm |
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56th Post |
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aaronleong Member
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Whoa, it's been almost 2 months since I last checked in. Hope everyone had a safe and peaceful Christmas! I did. Our son is away in TN with my wife's family, so I had the opportunity to spend Christmas with awesome, positive church friends. UPDATE 9 Days until I see our son again! This is, by far, the longest time he's been away. I really hope this doesn't become the norm. I just want to update you guys on two of my battlefronts: 1. Divorce: I'm completing the initial financial disclosure forms in order to move the divorce along. Have a phone appointment with my lawyer later to discuss the next course of action. Please pray for this; I hate what I'm doing and hate that I have to do it. 2. Porn addiction: So far, so good. I'm on day 223 of Operation No Jack. Time really flies when you don't think about it, or more precisely, when the addiction isn't at the forefront of your mind. Can I make it to a year (365 days)? Oh yes!
____________________ Me: 35, Wife: 29 Son: 3.5 M: 6 yrs, T: 8 yrs Separated: 06/04/10; Wife wanted divorce: 11/10; Wife & son moved 02/26/11; Wife serves papers 03/20/11 (paper dated 03/14) Responded 04/12/11 Filed child custody 04/20/12 |
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30th, 2011 01:30 pm |
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57th Post |
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Man Member
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aaronleong wrote:
What kind of positive effects do you see when you count days? Greetings to everyone who wants: From the Bible: 3. John, verse 2 Last edited on Fri Dec 30th, 2011 01:38 pm by Man ____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Fri Dec 30th, 2011 06:48 pm |
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58th Post |
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aaronleong Member
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Thanks for the verse, Man. Keeping track of this: - Helps my perspective, especially on the big picture. - Gives me achievable goals, e.g. now that I'm 223 days free, let's make 365 days and so on. - Simply, it really feels good to see the number climb. Have a happy New Year everybody! I'll be up in the mountains enjoying the cold, peace and being cut off from civilization.
____________________ Me: 35, Wife: 29 Son: 3.5 M: 6 yrs, T: 8 yrs Separated: 06/04/10; Wife wanted divorce: 11/10; Wife & son moved 02/26/11; Wife serves papers 03/20/11 (paper dated 03/14) Responded 04/12/11 Filed child custody 04/20/12 |
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| Posted: Fri Jan 13th, 2012 04:30 pm |
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59th Post |
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Man Member
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aaronleong wrote: Thanks for the verse, Man. That's fair enogh, but I disagree with your perspective. I think it is better to seek the Higher Power.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Sat Mar 10th, 2012 09:25 pm |
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60th Post |
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aaronleong Member
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Praise God -- Checking in to let y'all know that I'm on Day 296 of Operation No Jack. My eyes are targeted on the achieving the 365-day mark. I've been struggling not with the urges, but with my wife who, as recently as yesterday, made it known that I "always could hurt her" and that I'll always be an addict. A chair will always be a chair. Nonetheless, it's something I have to live with. Not in self-pity, mind you, but in self awareness and constant improvement. I have some big decisions to make in the coming week or two, so I need you prayers and thoughts. She is moving to South Carolina in June and has made it known that she's taking our son with her. If she's willing to work on a more equal parenting schedule (50:50, rather than 70:30 now) and if I'm able to find an equal or better job there, then I'll strongly consider moving. But if neither pans out, I will have to file for an ex parte to keep our son in the state. If things weren't ugly enough now, it might be then. I'm not looking forward to any of it.
____________________ Me: 35, Wife: 29 Son: 3.5 M: 6 yrs, T: 8 yrs Separated: 06/04/10; Wife wanted divorce: 11/10; Wife & son moved 02/26/11; Wife serves papers 03/20/11 (paper dated 03/14) Responded 04/12/11 Filed child custody 04/20/12 |
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