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| Moderated by: truthseeker, bil4913 |
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| Different backgrounds but common problem | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Fri Jul 15th, 2011 02:45 pm |
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1st Post |
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mike w Member 
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As I look to share what I can to encourage others I must say that I am only now realizing how many different backgrounds we all come from. As an example, I can not begin to understand the pain of someone who was molested as a child. I just want to do what I can to encourage anyone who will listen. There is hope,healing and restoration through Jesus Christ. I know this for a fact. I live it every day. “Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit”, says the Lord (Zech. 4:6)
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| Posted: Sat Jul 16th, 2011 03:48 pm |
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2nd Post |
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TM2 Member
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That's probably a worthwhile insight. Experts seem to say that a significant majority of sex addicts have been abused as children. Those like thee and me who have not been are in some sense anomalous. Do you mind if I reflect a bit on the broader question of you addicts from different backgrounds can interact most effectively? The preamble that gets read at 12-step meetings commonly talks about sharing our experience, strength and hope, and also says, "We do not give advice." I think both parts of that can be hard, and both parts are important. There are days when I don't feel I have anything positive to say. On those days, being encouraged to look deeper for what has happened in my life can be important. But I think that for me and for many addicts, the very strong custom within the program of not giving advice is also awfully important. As active addicts, we've been doomed, living in hell, living in death. When we find a path that seems to offer us freedom, there's a tendency to trumpet that to the skies as the necessary path for every addict. That totally natural path for every addict has several problems. First, the path I think I've found may not work even for me. Boards like this one are full of people who have been sober for 5 days but who are absolutely convinced that their method, which may make no sense at all to anybody who knows the first thing about addiction recovery, is the only possible path for everyone. This produces plenty of un-uplifting fights. Second, people in general, and addicts in particular, need to work things through for themselves. When somebody says they're convinced of a truth that I know would lead me away from recovery, the temptation is always to say with passion and conviction, "No, here's what you're really like, and here's what you have to do." That response turns people off. "What do you really know about me, and who are you to give me orders?" is a natural reaction. And so in order to connect with other addicts, we learn to be gentler. "You know, that's definitely a natural approach, and it may work for you. I hope it does. But I once tried something similar in my own life, and here's where it lead, which wasn't good for me, and here's what I do instead." Any sentence I say that starts with "You" opens me up to disagreement and to being wrong. But any sentence that starts with "I" and that honestly shares my own experience has to be true. True for me, but maybe not true for you. You get invited to consider whether my experience is relevant to you, and to take it or leave it. You get invited into the quest, not told what your answer has to be. And if I don't have any relevant experience, as you and I don't with regard to sexual abuse, then I think you're absolutely right that it's wiser for us to content ourselves with listening. I think this reaches people better, and helps us better to learn from one another. It's also so deep a part of the 12-step approach that for somebody immersed in that program it seems shocking to be offered advice unless one has directly asked for it. Third and finally, I have to be cautious about prescribing my approach to recovery because I have seen other people who talk about their recovery in ways very different than I do who have still gotten sober and are leading new lives; so I have to be a little humble. When I go to meetings and when I read the stories in the back of the AA Big Book, I find a world of people whose understandings of God and of recovery are different from mine, but who have found release from their addictions. I know many grateful recovering addicts who are Christians, but I also know or have read the words of grateful recovering addicts who are Jews and Buddhists and atheists and pagans and on and on. I may believe that the best possible lives are lived by those who share my convictions, but I can't argue that only those who do so find lives without addictive behavior, lives that are happy, joyous and free. And so I and many 12-steppers work to separate the goal of sober recovery from the goal of religious agreement, and to allow people to get clean in what ways work for them. Now, there's obviously room for disagreement on every aspect of this approach. Particularly the last paragraph may be problematic on a Christian board. If I don't know sober addicts who aren't Christians, or if I don't believe that a life of sobriety apart from an explicit faith in Christ has any meaning, then I'll reject the third point. Still, addicts from different backgrounds have been working together in 12-step fellowships for over 70 years, and whether or not one buys into the whole 12-step framework, I think there is accumulated wisdom within the fellowships that makes their approach one worthy of contemplation. Just how it seems to me, of course. Tim M.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 16th, 2011 10:05 pm |
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3rd Post |
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mike w Member
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"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17. I was able to find this website by searching for Christian sex addiction recovery forums. I have to believe that like me most men coming here are believers and know that their ultimate source of hope is in Christ. I can look back now and say that having a resource such as this or being able to actually here from real men who have suffered what I suffered for over 30 years, and were finally, truly delivered would have made a major impact in my recovery. I want to be at least one of those voices. Some will listen and some will not. Ultimately it is between them and the Lord. My job is to allow my Savior to use me in any way he sees fit. There is hope, and Freedom in Christ. Last edited on Sat Jul 16th, 2011 10:06 pm by mike w |
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| Posted: Tue Jul 19th, 2011 03:10 pm |
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4th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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Dear Tim, Once again, you've managed to convey incredible wisdom with a grace and gentleness that we should all endeavor to emulate. My best, DW
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Tue Jul 19th, 2011 03:36 pm |
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5th Post |
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mike w Member
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I agree Dw. The good news for those seeking recovery is that there are people out here who have walked in their shoes and come out on the other side whole. God can use each of us as we allow Him . Every man is unique and our stories of hope will encourage.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 20th, 2011 12:07 am |
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6th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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I'd like to suggest that you read Proverbs 16:18. I think Tims message got lost in translation.
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Wed Jul 20th, 2011 12:33 am |
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7th Post |
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mike w Member
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DW, Thank you for your insight. My prayer is that that people who read the story's of hope and healing we share will ultimately be pointed to Christ. We are nothing without him. I know that my victory comes from Him. I would never expect anyone to look at my testimony and here me say that I did this. Far from the contrary. I give all the glory to my Lord and Savior. Without Him I am lost. "My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice". Psalms 34:2 May You be blessed Last edited on Wed Jul 20th, 2011 12:35 am by mike w |
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| Posted: Tue Aug 23rd, 2011 07:56 pm |
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8th Post |
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Endzone Member
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Last edited on Sat Sep 3rd, 2011 04:21 am by Endzone |
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| Posted: Wed Aug 24th, 2011 02:52 pm |
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9th Post |
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TM2 Member
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You may be right. Certainly the references I have to Carnes' work date from before the explosion of the Internet. Thanks for the comment. Tim M.
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| Posted: Sun Aug 28th, 2011 08:11 am |
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10th Post |
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Man Member
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Last edited on Tue Sep 6th, 2011 10:47 pm by Man ____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Sun Aug 28th, 2011 01:53 pm |
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11th Post |
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mike w Member
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Seriously?
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| Posted: Sun Aug 28th, 2011 02:00 pm |
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12th Post |
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Man Member
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Last edited on Wed Sep 7th, 2011 08:41 am by Man ____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Sun Aug 28th, 2011 06:27 pm |
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13th Post |
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TM2 Member
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Going directly from step 1 to step 12. Admitting to be powerless and then starting to help others... I think that's a pretty common practice. It's obviously not one that works very well, but it's kind of natural. After all, I can try to fix you without ever having to look deeply at me. If I'm fixing you, then I can be the distant expert, a role I'm comfortable with. It's giving up the distance and the authority, admitting that I'm just like you and I need help, and both seeing and showing my own feelings that I find hard. But until I can do those things, I'm not ready to work Step 12. Step 12 comes at the end for a reason, after all. For me, your joke is maybe the biggest temptation in my own recovery, and something I have to be constantly wary of. Thanks for the direct reminder. Tim M.
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| Posted: Tue Aug 30th, 2011 07:47 pm |
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14th Post |
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mike w Member
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Grace Last edited on Wed Aug 31st, 2011 02:39 pm by mike w |
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| Posted: Wed Aug 31st, 2011 10:37 am |
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15th Post |
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guitarist63 Member
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Proverbs 16 verse 18. "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling." This is a very salutary (beneficial) warning to all of us. Thank you Devastated Wife for reminding us about Proverbs 16 verse 18, and let those words penetrate our hearts. Last edited on Sat Sep 3rd, 2011 12:20 pm by guitarist63 |
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| Posted: Wed Aug 31st, 2011 01:29 pm |
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16th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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You are welcome, Guitarist.
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Sat Sep 3rd, 2011 12:25 pm |
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17th Post |
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guitarist63 Member
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Thanks Devastated Wife. I would just like to make the observation to anybody reading this that although Christians set up and run this site, it is not a place solely for Christians to deal with pornography and other sexual matters but it is a place for anybody to visit and post who wishes to be free from these things. Last edited on Sat Sep 3rd, 2011 12:27 pm by guitarist63 |
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