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| Moderated by: truthseeker, bil4913 | Page:   1 2 |
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| Discontenment | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Sun Aug 7th, 2011 02:51 am |
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21st Post |
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TM2 Member
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I think your attempts mean a lot, but perhaps not to him. But I also think it's important to learn to see him as he is, and to let go the notion that you, by your love, can change who he is. Why does he say what he does? I don't know. I don't know him. Projection is perhaps part of it. For me, developing a sense of being oppressed by my family was also an important part of my addictive cycle. I was angry at them because I was angry at myself. I tried to control them because I could not control myself. But more deeply, if they didn't understand me and were oppressing me, then I was perfectly justified in seeking support and pleasure elsewhere. My deserting them to engage in my addiction was then just fine, just what they deserved, just what they had asked for by being so mean to me. (As usual, I'm trying to describe myself honestly then, not now; and as usual, I would not have been able to see any of this then.) So there's one possible bit of addict thinking to try on and see if it fits. Peace, Tim M. Last edited on Sun Aug 7th, 2011 05:56 pm by TM2 |
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| Posted: Sun Aug 7th, 2011 03:13 am |
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22nd Post |
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claire Member
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How very astute of you. He has actually said to me that he has done his thing, to punish me. He has also said that I am mean to him, when I know I am only saying something simply or making a comment. I have been mean I guess when I found out and said it was adultery and disgusting. I said I wanted him to stop and that it was hurting me and our marriage... I guess the truth did feel mean to him. It is all confusing because it causes me to question myself, what am I doing wrong? How am I not being the wife God has called me to be. Now another strange situation, today, after he said all of that yesterday, he is being nice and acting better. It is the most up and down life, beyond something I could dream up... I am exhausted. I am not sitting here doing nothing, I am not getting depressed to the point of acting all subservient and pitiful, like I use to. I am going out and doing things that are good for me, I have invited him but he doesnt want to do much of anything. I am involved at church and see friends. He says I have a separate life, that I dont need him, that I live my life like nothing is wrong. Well, I lived my life for so many years in trying to earn approval, acceptance, the co dependent dance. I cant do it anymore. I still do a little, but I am stronger and he sees that as separation and change. He changed, he did things to hurt us, to hurt me and he is getting more and more withdrawn and isolated. I cant fix this, but I can fix me. Of course all with God's help.
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| Posted: Sun Aug 7th, 2011 04:51 pm |
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23rd Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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Dear Claire, When you said: "I walked away feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how I try to serve, or be loving, it just doesnt matter. " BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's an addict. He's a blackhole of self-centeredness. NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL EVER BE ENOUGH or RIGHT. You, the spouse of an addict, did not CAUSE this, you cannot CONTROL this, you cannot CURE this. NOTHING YOU CAN DO WILL CHANGE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! This is HIS MESS that he has to wallow in until he decides to give it up. Stop looking at yourself and asking what is wrong with you. The answer to that is NOTHING!!!!!!!!! There is not a darn thing wrong with you or what you are doing!!! You need to get away from this "man," and you need to shift your thinking 180 degrees. Stop being a doormat. Visualize yourself handing it to him on a platter. My best, Spine Implants-R-US
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Fri Aug 19th, 2011 04:01 am |
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24th Post |
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Reborn Member
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I agree 100% with much of what DW is saying in regard to not allowing him to place blame on you for his addictions. See here's the piece that many believers miss. We may be called to forgive 70 times 7 but that never entails enabling toxic behavior by accepting blame for what isn't ours to begin with . I'm involved with a men's group based on John Eldredge's wild at heart and I've talked to many, many other guys who've used their wife's actions as an excuse to act out. I've done it and I assure you that it's part of the addict's rationalization process. Man I wish the ministry I've found was available to guys all over the country. It does such a good job of getting people to allow God to dig through wounds to get to the core of the issue. There's always something deeper. Some wound, some failure, some rejection. But for most of us it has to be sought out in the context of a group, or therapy. I also know that the prayer of a righteous person is powerful as it says in James. Your prayers are powerful claire. Don't ever give up on them. Also know that as much as we would like to find our identity through relationships he needs to gain his through God as do you.
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| Posted: Sat Aug 20th, 2011 12:56 am |
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25th Post |
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cog 2 Member 
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Hello Claire, You wrote: "I am going out and doing things that are good for me, I have invited him but he doesnt want to do much of anything. I am involved at church and see friends. He says I have a separate life, that I dont need him, that I live my life like nothing is wrong." As a recovering addict who has finally been dealing with boundaries I can say that if your man doesn't want to do anything that you are involved in and thinks that you two have separate lives then it seems to me that he is not working toward recovery and that you may need to set a boundary about that. As DW pointed out, you have done nothing to make him an addict and you certainly don't need to live in his addiction either. As my wife explained to me on more than one occasion, she will not live in the same house with an active addict. I had to be in recovery 100% or I was gone. I now attend 2 meetings per week, read my bible every day, post on this site at least 3 times per week, pray unceasingly, read other helpful books such as Intimacy Anorexia, SA"s white book, SAA's green book, tell my wife that I love her and show her how much she means to me. And I'm just getting started!! Don't be afraid to set solid boundaries and stick to them! He will have to abide by them or leave. In Christ's Love, Cog 2
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| Posted: Sat Aug 20th, 2011 08:59 pm |
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26th Post |
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Endzone Member
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Last edited on Sat Sep 3rd, 2011 04:18 am by Endzone |
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| Posted: Sun Aug 21st, 2011 07:09 pm |
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27th Post |
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Devastated Wife Member
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Yeah, then then he drank himself into a near coma, blamed me AGAIN fir his latest addiction, expected me to babysit him while he went through rehab, etc. I'm done.
____________________ My best, Devastated Wife |
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| Posted: Sat Sep 3rd, 2011 07:34 pm |
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28th Post |
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claire Member
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Dear Cog2 I am not clear on whether or not he is still looking at the porn at this time. He did not disconnect the internet as he said he was going to, I need it to do my business etc. I feel that is he needs to disconnect to not be tempted then he needs far more help than just disconnecting... I have not asked and he doesnt tell me. I tried to look but screwed up his computer in the process so i give up on that for now. I just know that what he says now is, that he has no companion, (me) I treat him like one of the kids or our dog. I honestly do not know where he comes up with this. I know that I am somewhat cautious, mainly because I do not see him as safe. Infact, I have shared this with him and told him that his words to me are hurtful and damaging, his response is, you let words upset you??? I mean really? His words are killer. Anway, I try to be a good wife inspite of it all. I serve him and share what is going on during my day, try to get him to go out and do things with me. It is all very confusing to me. I am not as intimate as I once was, there has been a lot of pain here but then I am sometimes not feeling safe to initiate as at times he says he does not like me, want me or our marriage. Not a real intimacy starter. He said yesterday that there are two sides to him, the one that wants me and the one that doesnt. He also said that I am the one who has changed. I feel that we both have. What can you say to all of this????
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| Posted: Mon Sep 5th, 2011 08:31 am |
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29th Post |
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Man Member
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Dear Claire, thanks for your sharing. I can recognize quite much of what for me seems to be relational manipulation. Whether it's about sexual things in the centre or other things it might be the same principles; Lying that in christian terms is called sin. I can recognize a lot of this: Allowing other people to ran over me, not managing to put up boundaries, allowing people to let me down. I am not sure how to put up the boundaries needed, how to do it in practice. My best! Last edited on Mon Sep 5th, 2011 08:34 am by Man ____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Mon Sep 5th, 2011 09:33 am |
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30th Post |
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Man Member
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I am not sure, but I guess that these principles are quite normal all human contact. I am talking about manipulation, but I am not sure how to deal with it. For me it might be to see it first, then maybe handle it. My point is, I guess it happens in all human contact. I am also manipulating maybe without being conscious about it, I guess, but how to deal with it. I am not sure. I have heard: Manipulation is through flattering or accuses to try get another person do a job that is mine. and: A victim is man that does not take responsibility to solve his own problems. A victim might use manipulation I guess if he/ she cannot see a solution? but how to deal with it when people try to push their problems on me. I guess the principles are equal whether it's about one subject or another. As far as I know manipulation should be met with confrontation. but I am not really sure how to do this in practice if the person doesn't want to go into dialogue. Then I might leave, but when it comes to close family-relationships, I don't know. If the person doesn't want to go into dialogue, doesn't want to see himself, then I am not really sure. Confrontational questions might be: What do you want to achieve with that? How can this help me? The accuser is a victim that does not take responsibilty to solve his/ her own problems, I have heard.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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| Posted: Mon Sep 5th, 2011 10:54 am |
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31st Post |
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Man Member
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"Never take an offense. You don't need to. Take two steps behind and be an observer. Don't take part in the play." is also something I have heard, but I am not sure really how to do it in practice.
____________________ May the Lord bless you all! |
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