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freedompdx41
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Posted: Sun Feb 22nd, 2009 03:21 pm |
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I'm writing to ask for prayer support concerning an issue I've been dealing with for awhile now. In my introduction a couple days ago I shared that I struggle with and came from a background of homosexuality before being saved. One of the biggest challenges I've faced in my walk is to relate to men without the "perversion mindsets and thought patterns" that accompany relationships with guys. I so badly want to have some close friends without it being all twisted and weird.
So on with the request. I supervise a coffee shop and we see the same people on a consistent basis. There is one guy though that comes in and for some reason I want so badly to know him and get to know him(not sexually, although those thoughts have been there), but just as a friend. Out of all the people that come in this ONE person for some reason has something that I want. I get really sad if I don't see him for a couple days and start to feel "I've done something wrong". Then when I do see him I'm real happy and feel nervous. I have asked God several times to either remove this situation(I mean I don't want him or me to lose our jobs), but I don't know what to do, it's almost tormenting. My prayer also has been, "God, if this is your will then please cleanse and sanctify this friendship in wholeness, if not then please remove it and kill it".
I could sure use prayer, and as I wrote all this I'm thinking "that sounds an awful lot like a crush"(which answers my questions right there). Cuz noone else effects me that way but for some reason he does. I appreciate any prayer and input, thanks.
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Bradley
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Posted: Sun Feb 22nd, 2009 09:42 pm |
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I am happy that you requested this prayer because I want you to know that you are not alone in these struggles. I to find it hard to maintain 'normal' friendships, for the last few years I have never had a normal friendship. Either I have a crush on someone or respect them or else I don't associate with them. There has been many people that I have liked because they had something I didn't have (happiness, lots of friends, money, etc.) And I have for some reason always wanted to be around them a lot. Maybe in hopes that I might find the magical secret and finally get what they have or something like that, I don't really know.
I don't have a good relationship with my father, and I'll be honest I don't want anything to do with him. For the last few years I have always ran into trouble with having relationships (friendships, and just knowing each other in general) with older men. Starting in middle school for some reason I always looked up to older men as father figures. I am not going to sit here and lie, I have always wanted a 'replacement' father. Someone that I can look up to like a father and see as a role model and an example of what a man should be.
My eighth grade year I started having fantasies or thoughts of some of my teachers sexually. I was so confused at first and still am a little bit. Why would I start having sexual thoughts of people that I respected? In some cases I actually didn't even like the teacher, there were a few teachers from my high school that I couldn't stand, but I still had thoughts about them.
I found out around my junior year of high school that there is a chance that one of my parents old friends' brother might have molested me when I was younger. Nobody knows for sure and I will probably never find out, but I just accepted the fact that it probably happened. I just thought that it was the reason why I have my thoughts and issues. I think maybe I wish it would happen to me again so I could fight back or maybe understand what I went through better or something. Those thoughts of older men continued until about a year and a half ago. I still have them every once in awhile, but not as bad as before.
About a year ago God stepped in though and he introduced my friend Rich into my life. He is (now) 39 years old and we met over Xbox live. Rich was the person who got me into religion (I am now the only religious person in my family) and I have never had my issue with Rich, as soon as I met him and got to talking with him I had an immediate sense of respect for him. We have never met in real life yet, but we have talked about meeting up before. About two months ago he asked if I would like to come and visit him and meet his family. I was in shock, I have always wanted to meet him and it seemed like it might actually happen, but I had to say no. I gave him a random excuse and he bought it. The next time we talked I told him the truth: I am afraid I will meet him and be attracted to him or I will see things about him that will change the way I view him (like seeing him drink, hearing him swear, etc.).
I look up to him like a father, he has helped me through the hardest years of my life and has actually stopped me from killing myself. He introduced religion into my life and has always been someone I can turn to if I need advice or if I just need someone to talk to he is always there. He is the best friend that I have ever had and I believe God used him to reach out to me. I am afraid that my views of him will change and he completely understood what I was saying to him, he thinks me being around other Godly men and being able to look at them like examples would be a good thing for me.
I have had many friendships on XBL, and last year I lost 4 of my better friends. Two of them quit gaming because they got girlfriends that didn't want them gaming, another I sort of pushed away jokingly and he never came back and the last I became to attached.
The last guy I trusted 100% and I thought I cold tell him everything about me. One day I asked him about a bible verse and made a comment about how hard life is sometimes (he was a Jehovah's Witness so I liked getting his take on things and he was also trying to convert me at that time) and he had enough I guess and told me that he didn't want to hear about my life and that he had his own problems to deal with. He started avoiding me after that and he decided that he didn't want to be my friend anymore and we went our separate ways. I realized that I grow to attached to people. I haven't had a normal friendship in years, all the ones I had in high school were fake and the people were just using me. I am not going to lie, I miss that friend a lot, he was a great guy and I pushed him away. I still miss him and wish I knew how things were going for him, but he ignored me so I can't even send him a message or anything.
Friendships are hard for me, I never know how much to open up. With Rich I can open up about my entire life and my everyday struggles and these addictions I am dealing with, but with that other friend I found out opening up isn't always a good thing and it can push people away.
I figured talking about my issues might shed some light for you or at least let you know that you are not alone. I will pray for you buddy 
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'For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God --' Ephesians 2:8
'For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.' James 1:3
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freedompdx41
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Posted: Mon Feb 23rd, 2009 02:00 am |
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I'm very sorry about the things that have taken place in your life. It seems so unfair and God in His goodness continues to walk beside us and delight in us and never leaves us. He understands everything, I wish I had just a little bit of that understanding. I keep thinking how much easier it would be if I knew just a "little" bit more. I guess for me it's just so hard cuz I KNOW what's right and wrong, yet there's that part of me that wants so bad to be liked by this person. I've tried to come to the conclusion that if God is in it He'll bring it to pass, if not then I want to be submitted to His will even though my desires might not be correctly lined up, if you know what I mean?
Part of me too, is just so tired of the fight to try and be normal. What's the frickin' deal? is my attitude sometimes. I try to remember though God is for me not against me, same with you. He's for you and not against you, and it's His desire for us to be free more than even we want. It is for freedom right? I appreciate what you shared and as we surrender and continue to seek Him, He'll bring into our lives those wholesome relationships that we long for. It's SO MUCH easier to say than to walk out I realize cuz I get so frustrated still and angry.
Thank you for your prayer and I'm seeking the Lord for you as well. Thanks again
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Feb 24th, 2009 02:32 am |
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Hi freedompdx41,
Is this a customer of the coffee shop? Do you have any idea whether or not he is a brother in Christ? If so, you could be experiencing your spirit bearing witness with his spirit as a believer, a brother. If he is a believer and you could find out where he attends church, there might be an opportunity to get to know him better. If he is not a believer, then I think your assessment is probably correct. I'm just guessing.
TruthSeeker
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freedompdx41
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Posted: Wed Feb 25th, 2009 01:48 am |
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He Truthseeker. Thanks for responding. Yes this person is a customer, he works in the building the shop is located in. As far as I know he's not a believer, (maybe he is and just not walking with the Lord right now, I don't know that), but from the conversations we've had it would appear that he is not. I was wondering those things also, but never have actually talked about those kind of things before. To add to it I just know that the thoughts and emotions I have and feel towards this person are probably "not God". However, I badly want to know him and want to be known by him, if that makes sense. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but I don't know, I feel so screwed up when it comes to guys and relating to them that I have no idea what's normal or not. Anyhow, I appreciate your input and response, Thank you.
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katcarving
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Posted: Sun Mar 1st, 2009 11:47 pm |
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| freedom, i have found that getting to know someone better lets you find out its not really what you think you are being pulled to , try this gett to know this person talk to him and find out wha t his likes and dislikes are then witness to him, it may be you are drawn to him because god wants a conection there so you can witness ,
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