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timeforchange
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Posted: Sun Nov 8th, 2009 06:16 pm |
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I am 17 years old and have been addicted to pornography for about a year now; a few months ago I started masturbation and unfortunately have been addicted to that ever since. Words cannot describe how horrible addiction is, especially sex-related addiction because it distorts your ideas of and ability to love. It takes control of your emotions and you can never tell if you are living in reality or if your own twisted perception is messing you up.
I've felt the pull of this addiction since going through puberty, but never acted on it until about a year ago. It's taken such a hold on my life that I don't feel like myself when I go for an extended time without acting on my addiction. My identity itself has been taken over by this. I can't remember what my own personality feels like, the sex numbs it. This makes it so much more difficult to stop because I feel different without my body depending on the sex to feel good.
This has also affected me socially. It has been difficult for me to make friends because my self-confidence and self-esteem are tied to the sex. I become focused on myself and have problems trusting or relating to others. I am drawn towards the approval of others and don't feel good about myself unless people like me, even people I don't really like to be around. I don't have confidence in my conversational skills because it is hard for me to focus on anything in my brain besides my own problems and insecurities. I have not even tried to ask a girl out yet because I know my view of women has been twisted and when I'm not careful I see women as objects, not people. Obviously I know this is wrong and I am trying to change things, but the physical pull takes over my brain and all of my beliefs cannot overcome that physical pull.
Finally, this has affected my spiritual life as well. Obviously I cannot love God and sex equally, and this addiction has caused me to doubt that I truly love God because the addictive feelings I feel are stronger than any spiritual feeling I get thinking about God. I understand His message in my mind, but feel helpless to follow Him. These last few months I have begun to lose my sense of life's purpose, and am drawn to feelings of good that are not God's.
Thankfully, I have gone sober for long enough periods to know that these feelings are wrong. The longest I have gone is about 2 weeks, but even that is enough time to see God's reality and know that my life is much better than I make it out to be. If I just got over this addiction, I could be more active in my own life, have better relationships with others and finally be comfortable with who I am and with God.
10 days ago I started a 60-day plan to get over the addiction and become myself again. Unfortunately, today I gave in and have to start over. That made me decide to finally tell someone about my addiction. I know that it will not cure me, but I have never confessed my addiction to another person before. That's probably one of the reasons why I have trouble opening up to people. I am sorry if this seems like a long rant, but I need to finally express my feelings about this. Maybe just telling someone will be enough to motivate and encourage me to truly stop this time.
Those of you who are also addicted know what I am going through. I want to encourage all of you to stay strong too, with God's help we will get through this eventually, as hard as it might be.
Last edited on Sun Nov 8th, 2009 06:33 pm by timeforchange
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mustardseed3
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| Joined: | Tue Oct 20th, 2009 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 9th, 2009 01:21 am |
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Hi,
I'm not an addict - I'm the wife of one. I do not know what you're going through with your addiction but I do know how it feels to need to talk to someone. I've been told that evil thrives in the dark - so reaching out and putting your problems in the light can only help. I will keep you in my prayers . God loves you - He can see the you that He intended you to be. Hang on to Him , turn to Him , pray unceasingly. He forgives you, Christ died so you can be forgiven - Forgive yourself and turn right back to your heavenly Father. I don't know if these words will help , but I do know God will !
I pray you don't give up on you !
____________________
itwillgetbetter
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timeforchange
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Posted: Thu Nov 12th, 2009 09:09 pm |
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| Crap. Well, my average length of time I can go without compulsively masturbating and/or looking at porn is about 4 days, and that's the amount I just went before failing again. Although I make sure to confess right after I have sinned, I still have a hard time accepting His forgiveness. A least I think that this time I have more of an answer to my problem. I need to change my heart to completely reflect God's teachings so when I feel the need to act on my addiction I can think it is evil subconsciously instead of thinking it is good. I need to change myself on the inside to reflect who I am on the outside. I feel terrible when people tell me I have strong character, because while I may when people are around, when I am alone and feel the pull everything changes. I do not like myself this way and I'm sure it leads to issues relating to others as well. It's so frustrating when I make a pact that this time I will change and it will be permanent, and then a few days or weeks later I screw up. At least I can express myself here. Thank God for second chances.
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zkoehn
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Posted: Mon Nov 16th, 2009 04:32 am |
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Hey,
I am an addict to and know how you feel. it sucks beyond all reason. I first got addicted when i was eleven and it all went downhill from their. Anyways what i wanted to say is i honestly am praying that God will free you. And also, there is a sixty day course for addicts. its free and a really good program. you are assigned a mentor and you take a day of the course each day and its good. i really recommend it. Im not free yet but having someone i can email for prayer and having daily courses full of scripture helps a lot. So here is a link.
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/
Good luck in the battle. may God free the both of us.
Zach
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timeforchange
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Posted: Tue Nov 17th, 2009 10:51 pm |
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Just signed up. I hope I can follow a 60-day course without failing once. It will be difficult but I know that what is on the other side will be greater than what I have now. Thanks.
I'll pray for you as well. Together we can work for a purpose greater than either of us. As hard as it may sound, continue to have hope and strengthen it in the Lord.
Last edited on Tue Nov 17th, 2009 10:53 pm by timeforchange
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Pats
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Posted: Tue Nov 24th, 2009 05:36 am |
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Hi, I am an addict too and brand new to this website.
Although porn and masturbation play a role in my problems, my own problems have grown much deeper and more dangerous since they involve having relations with others and putting myself at risk for many health problems and death. Not to mention the fact that my sin causes others to stumble and sin as well.
*sigh*
I will earnestly pray for you.
Zach, thanks for the link. I will have to check that out.
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
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Posted: Tue Nov 24th, 2009 12:51 pm |
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timeforchange,
Welcome! Why 60 days? To me, it seems as if the only day that matters is always today, and as if the ultimate goal is not a brief respite from acting out, but to spend the rest of our lives free.
Pats,
Welcome! Do you have a thought as to how you might seek help to recover? This is a real addiction, and we real addicts don't often get better by ourselves.
Tim M.
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Pats
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Posted: Tue Nov 24th, 2009 01:56 pm |
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That's part of the reason why I'm here, for support. I know two Christians in real life that I can talk to about this issue for support as well.
So many people, even Christians, either don't understand or don't think it's wrong.
I'll start a new thread about myself so as not to take away from the OP.
Also, I've started the above mentioned online class, and it seems like a good compliment to the support of others.
Patsy
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