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JonathanH
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Posted: Tue Mar 30th, 2010 05:22 am |
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I'm the man in the pew, the person that sits next to you in church.
I'm not exactly sure how long I've struggled with pornography or a sexual addiction.
My first sexual experience occured before I was 5 years old when my older brother raped me. After that, while jumping from foster home to foster home for two or three years, i had at least one more experience that I can remember.
I first began actively viewing pornography when I was about 12 years old. Nothing hardcore, usually just swimsuits or the underwear section of the JCPenney's catalog, but still.
The obsession grew until I was discovered by my parents - who immediately punished me and acted as if nothing had happened. This happened three or four more times--discovery, punishment, embarassment and shame, and then returning to normal life as if nothing was wrong--before my parents sent me to my pastor.
I was a young leader in the church, what parents of little boys wanted them to grow up to be like. I taught a couple times in sunday school, the youth group and once even preached in church.
Needless to say, my pastor was shocked. After saying that, "It's normal" he escorted me from his office and ignored me after that.
Several times I've asked people I respected and trusted for help, including my own father, and was summarily rejected.
I am now married with two kids and still struggling with the same issue. My wife loves me dearly and is willing to stay with me as long as I'm actively fighting this issue, but there have been too many close calls.
Too many times when we almost called it quits. Too many times that I knew she had every right to leave and take my boys with her.
But she stayed, thank God.
At the moment, I'm going through a good patch, but I'm afraid of how long it'll last this time.
Of how long I'll be able to withstand temptation.
To be blunt and completely honest, I'm scared to death. I don't want to lose my family, especially when they've stood by me for so long.
Anyways...that's my story.
I thought it might help to get it out into the open. Which is why I started a blog:
themaninthepew.blogspot.com
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TM2
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Posted: Tue Mar 30th, 2010 01:33 pm |
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Welcome, Jonathan!
Unfortunately, this board gets so little traffic these days that you are unlikely to get many replies, but those of us who are here can certainly relate to your struggle.
I am convinced that people like me and perhaps thee have a real addiction to our compulsive sexual behaviors, and that we therefore need to approach recovery just like any other addict.
For thirty years, I tried to quit by praying for strength, by toughing it out alone, by talking a few times to my priest, by going to confession and feeling cleansed and then doing it all over again. I conceived my problem as a moral one for which the solution was just to say no.
For thirty years, I made no progress at all, but only grew in isolation and despair.
That's not too surprising. A cocaine addict trying the same strategy wouldn't have made much progress either, I suspect.
I didn't start to recover until I accepted that I was addicted; that there was another side to my problem, a mental health side. Of course what I was doing as a sin, but I genuinely wanted to quit and couldn't. My soul and mind were divided against themselves and I couldn't find a way to become one human being. Like any other addict, I needed help if I were to have a ghost of a chance of getting better.
So I started attending SAA and SLAA meetings, both online and face-to-face. I started getting counseling with somebody who understood addiction and who could help me to examine myself and to learn to live and think in a new way. I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I learned about addiction. In the 12-step program, I found recovering addicts who were really living a daily faith and relationship with God, in whom I had only a dry and distant intellectual belief. For the first time in my life, I really surrendered to God by turning my problem and my will and my life over to Him. For the first time in my life, I really started getting honest with the people around me.
For the first time in my life, I began to find hope and serenity.
MY recovery hasn't been monotone. I had some initial slips every few months before settling into what I thought might be permanent sobriety, a stretch of somewhat over 2 years. I then ran into a hard spell of living in peace for a few months and then slipping again briefly, over and over. I'm not yet back to 2 years sobriety. Some other people in my meetings do much better than I; some do much worse.
But my life is completely new each day, and there is hope and joy and connection with other people, with God and with myself. For thirty years and more, I had none of those things.
People do recover from addictions, every day. It's the hardest thing most of us will ever do, but it's also the most important and the most deeply blessed.
But I am absolutely convinced that we cannot do it alone. For me, both the recovering addicts of SLAA and SAA and the wise counsel of professionals have been indispensable lifelines.
So what are you doing to get better? The fear of relapse is real, for all of us. If we're to stay sober, our recovery has to be the central thing in our lives. Is there anything out there that you're not doing that might make a difference? Anything just a little too scary, just a little too far outside your comfort zone? Both seeing a counselor and walking into a 12-step meeting were at one time things like that for me. Is it time to recognize that fear and reluctance as a friend and teacher and to walk toward it?
For me, anyway, that's where new life is.
Tim M.
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JonathanH
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Posted: Wed Mar 31st, 2010 12:50 am |
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I'm sorry to hear about your problems Tim. I thank God that it hasn't been that hard of a struggle for me.
I have a very supportive wife who does anything she can. At one point, we even tried perhaps just watching it together--obviously that was NOT the solution, and we rejected it shortly after--but the point is that my wife is willing to do whatever it takes to stand by me and to keep our marriage intact.
At the moment, all i'm doing is keeping busy, blogging about it, and talking to a friend that I trust and that-apparently-is going through the same thing, although perhaps not quite so serious.
I am also reading several websites, scriptures, and a book called Love and Respect.
And a LOT of praying.
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TM2
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Posted: Wed Mar 31st, 2010 04:27 pm |
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My story isn't a particularly horrific one. It's definitely on the mild end of the experiences of sex addicts. Many people struggle far more than I.
This engenders two linked cautionary suggestions
(1) If what you're doing now is all you need in order to attain long-term sobriety and peace, then I think you're unusual among addicts, if, indeed, you ever were an addict. Be filled with joy and gratitude if it's working; be open to joining the rest of us and picking up heavier tools if it ever stops working.
(2) As you reach out to help others on your web site, do be aware that there are a lot more people like me than people for whom what you're doing now suffices. Be cautious, therefore, to listen to others and not to assume that recovery methods adequate for the occasional rara avis will work for the rest of the flock. Most of those you want to help will need more tools than you're using now.
Just how it seems to me, of course.
Tim M.
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JonathanH
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Posted: Thu Apr 1st, 2010 02:44 am |
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Thank you Tim for your suggestions and your for your point of view.
I do realize that i am rare among addicts, but I do truly believe I am one. I simply believe that God wants me to help others, and I cannot do so until I have recovered from my own addictions.
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Macedonia1
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Posted: Thu Apr 1st, 2010 10:31 am |
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| I also have been an addict starting with I guess you could call it soft porn and it just grew from day to day at this point I am sick and tired of the tired feeling of fighting but i would rather keep on fighting it rather than let my addiction seriously overtake me. Plus life as a christian is going to be hard as it is but we need to just keep praying and reading God's word and meditating on it if we don't we truly can't overcome it. the Bible says in Ps. 119:11 Hide God's word in your heart. it also says meditate upon it Last edited on Thu Apr 1st, 2010 10:34 am by Macedonia1
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TM2
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Posted: Thu Apr 1st, 2010 01:01 pm |
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Welcome, Macedonia!
So what are you doing to get better? How's it working?
I only ask because I, myself, spent such a long period of time "fighting" but making no progress. This was nuts - the common definition in recovery circles of "insanity" is "doing the same thing and expecting different results," but I still did it.
If what you're doing now has brought you sobriety and peace, then by all means keep it up! If not, though, remember that people really do find recovery from addictions. I know people who have been sober in SAA for 10 or 20 years, and people who have been sober in AA for much longer than that. Real recovery is possible. For me, finding people who had what I wanted and doing what they did, however scary and uncomfortable, has been the start of a new life of unimaginable blessings, lived a day at a time.
May you find your own peace.
Tim M.
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Macedonia1
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Posted: Fri Apr 2nd, 2010 08:55 am |
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First of all my saviour helps me daily and secondly prayer helpsme but I think having scripture to memorize daily has helped me too. Several years ago I asked Jesus into my heart and thought that would keep me from the problem and temptation of looking at pornagraphy. So before I go any further I would like to take this chance and explain how you can ask Jesus to be your personal Saviour.
First of all I would like to let you know there is a God that loves you very much. The Bible says so in John 3:16 "For God so loved the World" that is not talking bout the trees and grass around you but he actually really loves each and every one single person in the world.
Secondly I would like to say Romans 3:23 says "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God." let me explain this verse. For all have sinned you have to admit you are a sinner not a single person other than Jesus Christ has ever lived a perfect sinless life. And come short of the glory of God means that god is at one level and you are at another if you were to put a graph together of you and God you definitely no matter how hard you try could never meet the same point as God.
Thirdly I would like to say that Rom 6:23 says "For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." You can see from this verse that somebody is going to have to pay for all the sin you have ever done plus all the sin of your future sin. You know what, that has already been taken care of just like on christmas morning you go to the christmas tree there are gifts from other people you wouldnt ever say you know I really dont want that gift because it is from tha certain person. Jesus Christ paid for a priceless gift no one can work for pay for or anthing else for that matter. Jesus says I have paid for this with my precious blood please take this gift it is totally free.
Fourthly take a look at this verse 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Confess our sins - To say the same thing God says about my sin.
So we see first that God loves us. Second we see I'm a sinner. Third someone has to pay for it and Jesus did that already for me. Fourth I have to confess my sin.
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Macedonia1
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Posted: Fri Apr 2nd, 2010 09:17 am |
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After you have asked Jesus in your heart you can then start to understand other passages of the bible. The bible says in 1 Corinthians 2:14 you cant discern God's word because they are spiritually discerned and so that is why I say after you have asked Jesus in your heart. Now i would like to say the best way I have found to stay away from pornagraphy is memorization because the bible says in Psalm 119:11 " Thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin against thee."
Take this verse literally and hide God's word take it memorize it and meditate on it. if you were to go on a walk in a cave with out a flashlight you would run into the walls of the cave all day long. the second verse i would like to share with you would be Psalm 119:105 "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." just like in that cave your life is like a dark cave are you going to take the spiritual flashlight of life the Word of God or will you try and go it alone. i would hope that you would use God's word and hide it in your heart because when Satan tempts you with a bad thought you can shut him down with scripture. I myself have found that i dont want to use verses that talk about the problem because it gets me to be thinking about the problem more than it helps me.
So I would say that the best way is find a passage of scripture like Isaiah 53 talks about my saviour and a phenomanal depiction of christ and how he paid for my sin. Jesus shut Satan down with scripture so if it work for him do you think it will work for you? Let me show some passages about that. Matthew 4: 4, 7, 8, 10 - Satan tried to misuse god's word against the Lord but failed because Jesus used God's word correctly.
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TM2
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Posted: Fri Apr 2nd, 2010 11:50 am |
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As long as that's working for you, that's wonderful.
My own experience was that for me, conceptualizing my problem as purely one of sin and trying to get better through prayer without addressing the underlying psychological issues and working actively with other people didn't work. I could tough it out for a week or a month or 3 months, but then I'd end up again right back where I started. I needed (and need) something different.
But if memorizing Bible passages has brought you sobriety, then of course by all means keep it up!
Tim M.
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mike
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Posted: Mon Apr 5th, 2010 05:44 pm |
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Hi Macedonia -
Welcome to the boards.
Do you have at least one other man who you can spill your guts with on an ongoing basis? Keeping the struggle to ourselves is akin to keep it hidden in the dark.
He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Pr 28:13
Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed.
James 5:16
Too many in the body of Christ try to wing it on their own. I meet with 2 small (<4) groups of men once a week, and know I couldn't make it without them. We need the prayers of others, and, as I believe TM2 was alluding to, in the battle against lust we have to deal with our minds, emotions - and the true core beliefs of the heart. (Not to mention the battle against the flesh and the enemy).
Praying for you now. Thanks for your honesty. I will also say that some of the most life changing moments in my life came when it was just me, God, and His word. Often it was when I'd bought into a lie that I hadn't seen and He opened my eyes to the truth.
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TM2
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Posted: Mon Apr 5th, 2010 07:29 pm |
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Thanks, Mike. That was a much better pastoral response than mine.
I was feeling slightly jumped on, and so my reply was a bit snitty. A more open and compassionate reply would have left open the possibility, Macedonia, that what you are doing religiously may not be working for you, and that that's why you're here. If that's true, then you are certainly in good company. I, too, tried to resist addiction by purely religious means, and it got me nowhere. In the end, I had to discover that what I thought was purely a problem between me and God was also a problem between me and other people and a problem within my own mind, and I needed to address the problem on those levels as well.
This not only brought me new possibilities for sobriety, but also showed me that just as I holding back and hiding from other people and from myself, trusting neither self nor others, so, also, I was holding back and hiding from God, not trusting Him to do for me what I could not do for myself. Looking at myself and my addiction more holistically therefore not only gives me the beginnings of sobriety and of honest connection and intimacy with others and with myself, but also offers me the start of real honesty and connection and faith in God, something I thought I had for many years, but something I was in fact not even close to.
Do keep coming back if you feel like the fellowship here may offer anything you want.
Tim M.
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JonathanH
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Posted: Mon Apr 5th, 2010 09:21 pm |
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| I would just like to say that I know Macedonia personally, and we have been keeping each other accountable daily. It would be so much harder to do this, if I didn't have him to spill my guts to. He's been my friend for several years, and while this may sound crass, I am thankful that I know someone who is going through the same thing I am.
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Godsgirl211
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Posted: Sat Apr 24th, 2010 02:57 am |
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| I joined yesterday.. Man in the pew.... as a wife of an addict.. all I can say is... thank you & God bless you for being with us & sharing your story :-) Though I can understand your story... I will and say with love, truth....... & no judgement.... please do not use your lifes past experience as a crutch... much love to you you my brother in Christ... Im just saying.... Im sorry your parents punished you.... it is time to accept responsibility for your own actions... quit being angry at your parents for doing the "best that they could at the time" You are so blessed that your wife is standing by you at this time. This is not anger speaking ............ its truth.................. You should be scared to death.... for that is what you draw yourself near.................... If your wife can love you & forgive you though,.... & your still have family..... I would say .... good job my man............. God is with you. :-)) P lease do not give up!!
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Godsgirl
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Godsgirl211
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Posted: Sat Apr 24th, 2010 03:01 am |
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TM2 wrote: Welcome, Jonathan!
Unfortunately, this board gets so little traffic these days that you are unlikely to get many replies, but those of us who are here can certainly relate to your struggle.
I am convinced that people like me and perhaps thee have a real addiction to our compulsive sexual behaviors, and that we therefore need to approach recovery just like any other addict.
For thirty years, I tried to quit by praying for strength, by toughing it out alone, by talking a few times to my priest, by going to confession and feeling cleansed and then doing it all over again. I conceived my problem as a moral one for which the solution was just to say no.
For thirty years, I made no progress at all, but only grew in isolation and despair.
That's not too surprising. A cocaine addict trying the same strategy wouldn't have made much progress either, I suspect.
I didn't start to recover until I accepted that I was addicted; that there was another side to my problem, a mental health side. Of course what I was doing as a sin, but I genuinely wanted to quit and couldn't. My soul and mind were divided against themselves and I couldn't find a way to become one human being. Like any other addict, I needed help if I were to have a ghost of a chance of getting better.
So I started attending SAA and SLAA meetings, both online and face-to-face. I started getting counseling with somebody who understood addiction and who could help me to examine myself and to learn to live and think in a new way. I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I learned about addiction. In the 12-step program, I found recovering addicts who were really living a daily faith and relationship with God, in whom I had only a dry and distant intellectual belief. For the first time in my life, I really surrendered to God by turning my problem and my will and my life over to Him. For the first time in my life, I really started getting honest with the people around me.
For the first time in my life, I began to find hope and serenity.
MY recovery hasn't been monotone. I had some initial slips every few months before settling into what I thought might be permanent sobriety, a stretch of somewhat over 2 years. I then ran into a hard spell of living in peace for a few months and then slipping again briefly, over and over. I'm not yet back to 2 years sobriety. Some other people in my meetings do much better than I; some do much worse.
But my life is completely new each day, and there is hope and joy and connection with other people, with God and with myself. For thirty years and more, I had none of those things.
People do recover from addictions, every day. It's the hardest thing most of us will ever do, but it's also the most important and the most deeply blessed.
But I am absolutely convinced that we cannot do it alone. For me, both the recovering addicts of SLAA and SAA and the wise counsel of professionals have been indispensable lifelines.
So what are you doing to get better? The fear of relapse is real, for all of us. If we're to stay sober, our recovery has to be the central thing in our lives. Is there anything out there that you're not doing that might make a difference? Anything just a little too scary, just a little too far outside your comfort zone? Both seeing a counselor and walking into a 12-step meeting were at one time things like that for me. Is it time to recognize that fear and reluctance as a friend and teacher and to walk toward it?
For me, anyway, that's where new life is.
Tim M.
(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))) and that is from my "soul" :-)
____________________
Godsgirl
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