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mike1978
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| Joined: | Tue Aug 3rd, 2010 |
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Posted: Tue Aug 10th, 2010 05:37 am |
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Hi, I'm new to the group and wanted to introduce myself. I'm a guy in my early 30s and I'm finally ready to admit that I'm addicted to masturbation, sexual fantasies, and pornography. I'm sorry if this post is a little long but I just wanted to get my story out in the open, I've been keeping it bottled up for so long.
I guess like most guys I started out around puberty, mainly looking at magazines or fantasizing about girls I knew. I was always quiet and socially awkward, so masturbation was a substitute for the intimacy that I wanted but didn't have in real life. Unfortunately as I look back I can see how over time it only made it harder for me to form relationships, as I became dependent on that "quick fix" and more and more wrapped up in the fantasies in my head, which real life could never live up to.
Of course like most addicts I was never satisfied and continued to create more elaborate fantasies, get into different fetishes, and in my case I even began fantasizing about males as well as females. There were times when I would go on binges and spend whole weekends looking at pictures, doing cybersex by IM and chat rooms, and masturbating.
I had always had periods of depression but around the time I turned 30, I really started to spiral down as I saw where my life was going. I couldn't keep pretending that maybe I would "grow out of it" anymore. I was a full grown man and I was alone, didn't see much hope of ever having a relationship, was walking around constantly filled with shame and regret, and my life didn't seem to have much purpose. I was deep in depression and also started drinking heavily to try to numb my feelings.
Finally after a night when I drove drunk home from a bar, then blacked out but realized after I woke up that I got sick in my own bed, I was so disgusted with myself that I decided I would have to change my life or I just couldn't go on. That started a journey that eventually led me here. I stopped the drinking. I started getting back in touch with God and the faith I grew up with (Catholicism). I asked Him for forgiveness and asked Him to come into my life again and help me with this.
I also realized that I can't do it alone, I need help and I need to start talking about things and getting them out in the open. There are so many issues I didn't deal with all those years when I was chasing after the "quick fix." Although I've made the intellectual decision to change, I still give in to those temptations and feelings, they're still so strong. There are times when I'll go for a few days, maybe a week or two, thinking that I don't "need" to masturbate anymore, but then slowly the feelings will build up until I give in, and then I'll be back to the old shame and feeling bad about myself.
I'm hoping in this community I can share my feelings and experiences with people who understand and start finding a way to really heal this addiction.
Thanks to anyone who read all of that. :-) And God Bless.
____________________
"The devil is the great consoler before we sin, but the great accuser afterwards. The Lord is the great accuser before we sin, but the great consoler afterwards: 'I will take you back. Repent and find peace.'"
- TG Morrow
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
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Posted: Tue Aug 10th, 2010 12:51 pm |
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Welcome!
I relate to a lot of your story, though I took another 20 years to start reaching out for help. I don't recommend this.
This board (which unfortunately is very quiet these days) and others can be important sources for contact with fellow addicts, but don't underestimate the tenacity of this addiction. I know lots of multiply addicted people who consider sex addiction harder to overcome than alcoholism and drug addictions. All the tools helpful to other addicts help us, too - 12-step support (both face-to-face and online), counseling, honesty with the people around us, working with other addicts, you know the drill. It's hard and scary work, but people find freedom from addictions of all kinds every day. Once we become willing to do absolutely whatever it takes, there's enormous hope.
May you find the peace you seek!
Tim M.
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mike1978
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| Joined: | Tue Aug 3rd, 2010 |
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Posted: Wed Aug 11th, 2010 01:39 pm |
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Thanks for the welcome and support. I appreciate it and I'm glad to be here!
I definitely think I would benefit from counseling and support--actually, could have used it a long time ago. Unfortunately due to my built-up shame as well as my natural social anxiety/shyness, it always seemed impossible for me to talk to someone else about these things. Coming here is a first step. Even "getting it all out there" anonymously like this is difficult. I hope to keep moving forward.
Thanks again!
____________________
"The devil is the great consoler before we sin, but the great accuser afterwards. The Lord is the great accuser before we sin, but the great consoler afterwards: 'I will take you back. Repent and find peace.'"
- TG Morrow
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TM2
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Posted: Wed Aug 11th, 2010 02:37 pm |
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Built up shame and shyness go with the turf. If it helps make it seem possible eventually to talk to people about your situation, I think practically all of us have been mired in shame and isolation, many of us for a whole lot more years than you.
There are a whole lot of baby steps one can take as one moves toward really talking to people. Looking up counselors and figuring out which ones one wants to talk to on the phone as possible choices, making the phone calls, setting up an initial appointment - all those things come before actually sitting down in somebody's office. Similarly, looking up local 12-step meetings and making some phone calls comes before walking in the door. It's also obviously possible to use boards like this one or online and phone meetings as a springboard to doing things face-to-face. Keeping taking a step at a time, each step reinforcing and normalizing what we're doing, gets us there eventually.
And I know for me, that the first time I sat down with a counselor and told my story was incredibly powerful. I had scheduled a single session with a woman I had known for many years, who works with students where I teach, but who was willing to give me one session to help me get started. I outlined my problem and my shame, and then paused to let her reply. There was a brief silence, and then she said softly, "It must have been hell." That simple expression of understanding and empathy rather than judgment still makes me want to tear up 5 years later.
So keep moving forward as you are able. Rushing forward isn't necessary as long as we aren't standing still, IMHO.
Tim M.
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