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Tormented
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Posted: Wed May 16th, 2007 03:09 am |
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| What does everyone consider acting out. Is picking up a magazine considered acting out, or is an act like masturbation, book store, etc....Is having a fantasy considered acting out? Please let me know what you all think as I am not sure.
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TimM
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Posted: Wed May 16th, 2007 04:34 am |
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I think that's a question we have to answer for ourselves. I know when I have moved from a harmless thought into the addictive bubble, into a world of isolation and excitement and focus on lust, into a place where the addictive side of myself takes over. It's not real ambiguous for me.
Where I draw the lines is different from where another person might draw them. When I really face myself honestly, though, then I don't have trouble figuring out what acting out is for me.
To me, this seems to be the way it should be. I'm not trying to adhere to a list of formal rules aimed at making my behavior acceptable to someone else. I'm trying to do what I need to do for myself in order to make my behavior something I can stand. I'm trying to be able to face myself (and my wife and my sponsor and my fellow addicts and my therapist) with honesty and without shame.
Where do you think the lines are?
I bet if you stop asking us and instead ask yourself, you'll find you know the answer. I also bet it may not be a comfortable answer. When I ask other people, it's often because I want permission from somebody else to do something my own soul knows is wrong.
Does that help any? I could give you my answer off your list, but it might well not be yours.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed May 16th, 2007 04:48 am |
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Hi Tormented,
I suggest perusing all of the articles on the BG homepage. As a spouse, rather than an addict, I'm not best qualified to answer this, but hopefully some others will chime in here. I would think that lusting with the eyes/mind would mostly describe fantasies. Many would include lingerie catalogs and swimsuit magazines as unacceptable points of focus. I can't imagine why the location of looking, home, bookstore, would make a difference. The owner of this site includes masturbation as part of sexual addiction behavior. While some dispute that, it is not up for further debate here. If you wouldn't find it appropriate to share with your pastor, teenage children, spouse, etc., it probably qualifies. When in doubt, don't. The question should not be "how close can I get without having sinned," but rather, "how close can I get to the Lord, and will this draw me closer to Him?"
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Tormented
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Posted: Wed May 16th, 2007 06:30 am |
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Thank you so much for both of your responses and I agree. Here is my situation. I was found out in Nov. 2006 by my wife getting a message left on my cell phone by a woman I had been seeing for 9 years, she was not the only affair I have had, I have had many. But I have been clean and sober since than, except I did pick up two playboy magazines a month ago and looked at them for about 15 min. I came home and told my wife that night and it took us back to ground zero, but I feel like I can handle this on my own. My wife and I are seeing a pastor for counseling who has dealt with sex addiction in our church, and I am going to see another counselor that also deals with sex addiction, but I really do think that since its been 5 months now and I have not felt the need to act out that I now have it under control, but my wife feels like I don't and that I will act out again. Have any of you had times where you were clean and sober and knew you could control it but have had a back slide and reaffended? What is the longest time you have been able to stay clean and sober? What do you think the chances are that I can stay clean and sober?
Thank you so much for your help
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed May 16th, 2007 08:05 am |
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Hi Tormented,
Were I your wife, I would consider the Playboys, even for 15 minutes, a significant setback. Yes, confessing it promptly is also significant, but backwards steps, even small ones, will add to, perhaps multiply, the time it will take to begin trusting. Compared to affairs, one might say that a couple of magazines are nothing, but my heart, at least, has no room in any manner or form for other women.
In our situation, I found out what was going on in January of 2005. At that point, we each had issues to work through, but did so fervently and enjoyed a year of tremendous joy and renewal in our marriage. My father was diagnosed with cancer shortly before Christmas that year, so I spent three weeks visiting him in January of 2006, then two more in March around his memorial service. About two months after I returned, I found a 2006 magazine, as well as a handfull that had been "overlooked" the year before. That blew me away, and drove home the reality that it is not about me. That is why I have been here for a year today, initially looking for the usual answers, since I knew beyond a doubt that I was not even a minute component of temptation, other than having been absent, and now to share the comfort and hope I have received with others, as well as the occasional bitter dose of tough love.
Your task is not simply to recover from this, but also to do that which is necessary to re-establish a sense of trust and security for and with your wife, hopefully reaching a point of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy that you have never known before. I can find no harm in continuing the steps yu have been taking, yes even longer than you feel you need them, because she needs you to still do them in order to make her feel safe. I understand that you don't plan to do this for the rest of your life necessarily, but if you need to stay involved for her, try to view it as an opportunity to minister to others newer to recovery. There are only a handful of people still active here from when I joined a year ago. If noone stayed beyond their personal need, these forums would fall by the wayside, only offering what help could be gleaned from past posts, or they would draw Mike away from other aspects of BG ministries.
Thanks for bearing with some rambling.
TruthSeeker
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forthelord47
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Posted: Wed May 16th, 2007 11:26 pm |
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As you likely know, one has to put great effort into a recovery plan. You have to outsmart Satan, which is a great challange. While I don't think you intended to find the magazines, it concerns me that they were still kicking around in your house, waiting to be found. I'm sure your wife would join you in doing a very detailed sweep of your home, seeking out and destroying any porn or tangible reminders of the affairs that you had. Satan wants you to leave something around that can trigger you later. I also hope that you have a new cell phone number so none of the past "affairs" can reach you. Daily heartfelt prayer and daily accountability to your wife is the greatest antidote to relapse. Another is daily reflection on how much your adultery has hurt your wife. Finding ways to deepen the romantic aspects of your marriage are critical as well. Lastly, remember that each day of clean living is honoring your commitment to be obedient to our heavenly father, who sacrificed himself to bring the opportunity for everlasting life.
God bless,
Marc
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Fri May 18th, 2007 11:59 am |
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Acting out guidelines are different for every person. The guidelines (in my experience) tend to grow larger as one gets to know oneself.
I for example guard myself as much as possible because I would rather not deal with temptation - music for example can be a huge trigger for me so I avoid it. Music does not affect everyone the same way, so I get some funny looks at times when I share this.
My best advice would be to pay attention to what's going on in your mind and heart and what is happening at times you notice something off. This way you can make the connection and avoid the trigger to act out.
It's worked for me.
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Steve
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Posted: Fri May 18th, 2007 04:06 pm |
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In many sex addiction recovery contexts, the term "acting out" simply means to "engage in one's addictive behavior" - usually meaning they viewed pornography, masturbated, engaged in sexual immorality, etc.
-Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Mon Jun 11th, 2007 07:22 am |
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I agree with what Steve said and wanted to add to it. My thoughts might be a little confused as I am very tired right now.
There are triggers and they trigger you to act out.
Triggers: isolation, pain, confusion, loneliness, boredom and sometimes in addition to magazines, a picture, porn, music, etc. (tropicalstorm-music affects me too-especially if it has sexual lyrics). One can be triggered to act out simply because of boredom or frustration without viewing porn and other things, but I think the vast majority of addicts view something.
Acting out is the result of the above mixture: masturbation, sex, lustful thinking, for women: dressing provacatively to get attention because of the loniless, making sexual jokes, etc.
Acting out is being sexually impure and sexually inappropriate apart from God's standard (sex within marriage) as a result of being triggered (by magazines, etc.) as a result of having the deeper issues (pain and loneliness, etc.) not being met by following the Lord and His word and having a close relationship to Him.
Hope that helps.
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mike
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Posted: Tue Jun 12th, 2007 11:18 pm |
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But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Matthew 5:28
Any lust in the heart and/or sex outside of marriage is sin i.e. acting out sexually.
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