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sadeyes
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| Joined: | Wed Jul 25th, 2007 |
| Location: | Alberta Canada |
| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: Thu Jul 31st, 2008 06:57 pm |
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Hello I am new to this site. My story is a long one. I am 36yrs of age with three children ages 13, 8 and 11 months. My first two children are from a previous marriage. My husband is a porn addict. We have fought like cats and dogs over this stupid addiction. In the beginning I didn't realize how serious this was. I had the mentality that all guys did it. When I found 30 gigs of porn on his hard drive and about 5000 dollars worth of burned cd's the red flag was raised. I started watching his history. I realized he had profiles at singles sites. He's not single so what the heck is he up to. He was looking for free amateur porn. He would chat to these women and get pics and such from them. I realized that these women were also local when a file i looked at turned out to be a co-worker from a previous place of employment. I called him on it. He deleted one account. Moved to another. This went on until he closed them all due to me nagging of course.
Women from his past would phone the house. I had to tell them to get lost as we are married. He couldn't..they would guilt him into talking on the phone (this is what he said). I really coulnd't take it anymore and made it clear he would be out on his ear. He responded to this and opened up about his addiction. He let me know things he's never told anyone. I was grateful but burdened at the same time. I decided to try and be a part of this with him. It didn't matter because for him it was the secrecy and he couldn't share. He didn't want me to be a part of this. He started to realize this was affecting me deeply and wanted to change. He however was still addicted. We deleted the 30 gigs of porn. He wanted to view his burned cd's before throwing them away. No way. I keyed evey last one of them. No one was going to accidentaly find these and start a cycle in another home. He was empowered for a few weeks. Then he moved movies to his ipod. His logic "its not on the computer". So this was monitored as well and stopped. He then would download new browsers and surf porn then delete it. I could generally find these too.
So now I was frustrated more than ever with his sneaking and dismantled the computer. We talked through it and he would try harder. I give him back the computer. Well then he starts going to sites where women are "almost naked" his logic...its not porn they have clothes on...i realized then that it doesn't matter what it is - he can sexualize it and get what he wants. Movies, pictures, cartoons, real life. This scares me. I confronted him on this. We talked again and for some time my husband seemed to be doing good fighting the battle. Except he doesn't smile so much anymore, we don't have sex so much anymore (some due to children in the house but he doesn't go out of his way to initiate), he seems sad and depressed. We went and talked to his family doctor who put him on anti-depressants as he has been depressed most of his adult life and never treated. This seems to help for awhile. He has indicated this past week that its become difficult again. He feels the pull. I see the sadness back and the general unhappiness. I can't stand to see my husband like this it hurts.
And I have lost myself in this process. Before this my self-esteem was fierce. I have been suffering from post-pardum depression and am being treated with meds. I know this plays into my current state of mind. Some days I don't even want to get dressed. Whats the point. Is my husband really looking at me? Does he see the person i have become? Probably not. I do. And it makes me cry myself to sleep. It makes me angry im not a perfect "porn woman" (ridiculous and totally irrational thinking and i know better cause there is no such thing and it wouldn't matter - he would need another and another etc.) I feel alone. I also found myself obsessed with searching his computer. I decided 6 months ago i would no longer do this. I have slipped once or twice and would be angry for doing so. Because he has told me this week he is fighting the urge - his history is he tells me this after it happens - i want to search his computer to see if he is telling the truth. I refuse to give in. If he wants to make that decision I cant be a part of it. Funny...I AM A PART OF IT.
Oh and there is also an issue with sex in that he claims to get very sensitive and cannot finish sometimes. Its too painful. He says its due to lack of sex and masturbating. Is this legit? Can you have pain in the head of your penis from lack of use? And if so why isnt he asking me to help in that department?
Is there a point to this? Im venting. I feel like I am trapped in a box. I cant even imagine how my husband feels. We cant watch tv, movies go for a walk without something triggering him or so it seems. I wonder if he is truely fighting it. He has lied so much in the past. I wonder if porn will win and our family will self destruct. I thought i had my life partner....maybe i don't.
Sadeyes
(posted in 2 places as not sure where i should be)
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CB
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| Joined: | Wed Jul 2nd, 2008 |
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Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 04:11 am |
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Do you guys believe in Jesus? Profess Him as your Lord and Savior? Because I've been pretty much where your husband is at, and my wife has been pretty much where you're at. And Jesus is the only way out. Confession, and repentance on his part; forgiveness on your part; and Jesus needs to be the top priority is your lives. Your husband/wife can't come before Jesus. Your children can't come before Jesus. Trying to not give in to temptation can't come before Jesus. Jesus has to be #1.
Your husband needs to get to the place where he's sick of the sin. Sick of the lust itself. In that place he'll be able to fully surrender to Jesus. When he completely surrenders to Jesus and pursue a personal relationship with God, he'll find lasting freedom.
CB!
____________________
cbthinking.blogspot.com
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Unforgiven
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| Joined: | Sun Mar 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | USA |
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Posted: Mon Mar 9th, 2009 10:46 pm |
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No, you have ever right to vent. Its a guy thing. Have you read in the bible in the beginning where the women of men were beautiful
and the sons of God where taking every one they saw? It was before the flood in Noahs day. Look I am no perfect angel so I am not defending
him, just giving you another perspective. Does your husband love you? Does he show it in small ways or tell you? Despite you blew the whistle
and busted him on it he feels ashamed and thinking there is no return to saving his marriage. But if your showing love and forgiveness
towards him and he is still pushing you away and not showing any signs of affection towards you, you mind as well throw in the towel. But, if
he had lots of opportunity to leave you before and has not, there is something still there and he needs your help to get him there to your level.
Guys unfortunately think between there legs 90% of the time. Sorry its the truth. All guys are dogs!! We are week in something, whether it be drugs, sex,alcohol, whatever...
But the bible does state that if he decides to leave you, your free of obligation or by death of natural causes ofcourse.
I do not know if he is a christian? But it is stated that if you take him to a brother and tell and show him its wrong,
and he does not listen, then you take him before the church and he still does not listen, then you are to
treat him as a non believer and I believe but dont quote me but that does free you as well.
Love is a tricky business and I trully believe that if you lay your hearts problems to Jesus he will guide you and your
decisions will not conflict with your heart because God will make things go smoothly if its meant to be. If its rocky and
your having deficulty God has shut that door because either he has not revealed to you what it is. Remember he has plans
to help us and make us prosper...not to hurt us.
Lastly, I been in the military and I love women and always will. Lets say he looks at that porn and you know that he knows its
only fantasy nothing more and still comes home to you at the end of the day there is hope. Men like women, thats why you
have to spice things up and keep things exciting and dont deny him without good reason because he will go looking.
Ps. dont fool yourself, always be true to yourself or your going to have a long bumpy road.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Tue Mar 10th, 2009 03:04 am |
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Hi Unforgiven,
You may have the biblical perspective clear in your mind and just didn't express it very well, but in case you don't, or other readers wander through this thread, I want to be very clear about personal responsibility involved in sexual sin.
You wrote: "Men like women, thats why you
have to spice things up and keep things exciting and dont deny him without good reason because he will go looking."
Even if a woman is so severely injured in an accident that she is never able to interact sexually again, it is sin for her husband's eyes and body to seek any type of gratification elsewhere. Even if, for some reason, a wife is living in rebellion to God's Word and regularly denies the union God intended, her sin does not justify or excuse her husband's sin.
So while 1 Cor. 7 clearly defines each spouse's body as belonging to the other, that a mutually agreed upon time of fasting and prayer is the only legitimate reason to remain apart, and that temptation might be the result otherwise, it is the believer's commitment to becoming continually more Christ-like that should take precedence over even neglect of the strong male sexual drive. Wives who withhold themselves from their husbands must answer to God for themselves, but it is never given as grounds for divorce.
TruthSeeker
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