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meintexas
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| Joined: | Sun Mar 1st, 2009 |
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Posted: Fri Apr 10th, 2009 01:26 am |
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Hi all.
I found this forum through google, and I havent ever discussed my problem with anyone, and I need to get it out because i have no other options left.
Im addicted to porn and masturbation. I have been since I was 12, and Im 23. My cousin introduced me to it, and I didnt know better (or maybe I did, but I dont think I knew what sex was anyway). Its affected my life in every way possible; I cant tell my family---my dad is a deacon and both my parents and my whole extended family are devout Christians--and it has been eating me up inside for years. I used to think it was normal, but now I cant keep a relationship with anyone without it interfering. Ive tried to stop, time and time and time again, but it never works, and I feel overwhelming shame from it. I know that God will forgive me, but I cant forgive myself. My whole view of life and relationships is skewed, and I havent been going to church and my life is meaningless to me. Ive contemplated suicide since I was 14, but I know that isnt the way out, but I cant think of anything else.
Please, I need help and I need help finding it.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Fri Apr 10th, 2009 06:23 am |
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Hi Meintexas,
I'm glad that you searched and found this starting point to begin facing this struggle.
You need not answer, but I am wondering if you still have any contact with the cousin you mentioned, and whether he falls in the devout extended family category. Even if he seems to, he knows what he introduced you to, and if he has escaped it and is walking with the Lord, may be a source of guidance and accountability.
I trust that you have been reading the abundance of articles on the BG homepage, and here are some additional resources.
Higher Calling
Celebrate Recovery
Setting Captives Free
It is so important to have Christian fellowship, especially undertaking this battle for your purity. It may be a challenge to find a church in your area with a strong young adult group, but a group of people around your age would probably help you connect with a church better than going just because your parents/family do.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
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Posted: Fri Apr 10th, 2009 11:02 am |
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Welcome!
Unfortunately I have to be very brief just now, but for me, the central pieces of my recovery have been professional counseling and (probably more important) working with other addicts in 12-step programs. I attend SAA and SLAA meetings face-to-face, but there are also online and phone meetings if you live in a remote area and can't get to physical meetings. You might look for meetings in your neighborhood of any of Sex Addicts Anonymous Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous.
This sounds scary, but our addiction isn't addiction lite, and our recovery can't be recovery lite, either. We need all the tools any other addict needs. Some of those include a transformed vertical relationship with God, but for me that could only come with transformed horizontal relationships with other people, with a new understanding of myself, and with a willingness to change everything I am in fundamental ways. All that is scary. It's the hardest work most of us will ever do. It's also the most important and rewarding thing we can do.
There is enormous hope for recovery once we surrender and become willing to do whatever is necessary.
May you begin that path with joy.
Tim M.
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john
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Posted: Fri Apr 10th, 2009 01:25 pm |
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| Welcome to the forum, meintexas. I am glad that you are beginning to take some steps to talk about this sin in your life and break free from it. When you get a chance, why don't you tell us a little of your story?
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meintexas
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Posted: Tue Apr 14th, 2009 12:20 am |
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Thanks, guys, for your replies. truthseeker, yeah, I still talk to my cousin occasionally, and I he doesnt fall into the devout Christian category. As far as I can tell he has accepted his perversion and doesnt care one way or the other. Hes the only one in my family who has a clue about my problem. John, Im not sure what I can say about myself. MY dad is a deacon in the Church of Christ, both my grandfathers were elders, my mother, grandmothers, everyone important to me are the type of Christians that I wish I was. We (my family) dont drink, smoke, cuss or anything like that and my dad tries his hardest to be a good Christian man and he is what I try to model myself after. My family is most of the reason Im trying to "fix" myself, because the shame of knowing what I should be and what I am is unbearable.
I try to go to church, but mostly I dont. I would like to get involved--teach class, that sort of thing--but in my current state it would be laughable hypocrisy. I know what I need to do now, but I have no clue how to go about it. I read Every Man's Battle, and I understand what the authors were saying but getting started and not lapsing back into masturbation and porn is like trying to swim out of a well.
Ive read the articles, and I know what I have to do, but HOW do I start? Where do I begin? Thank you all for your prayers and concern. My posts will be sporadic because I work 60+ hours a week, but I will try to stay on the board as much as possible. Thanks again...
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ranyhyn
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| Joined: | Mon Mar 16th, 2009 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 14th, 2009 12:44 pm |
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meintexas,
I can't speak for anyone else but myself. I believe, though, that all of us here have experienced, on some level, what you're going through right now. It's hard to admit to others what you're going through but you've taken an important first step. You're still seeking help in overcoming this problem in your life. I still remember the first time I got caught by my wife. It wasn't very pleasant. And I also remember the second time. She told me that if I didn't tell my parents that she was leaving. That was a hard pill to swallow but I did it.
I just knew how they were going to react to what I was about to tell them. My dad just sat there quietly. My mom was disgusted. As I explained what was going on they really didn't understand what I was going through because they couldn't relate. I thought they were going to disown me but they didn't. My mom prayed for me and my dad asked a few questions but that was about it. My wife told me afterwards that she would divorce me if it ever happened again.
Well two years later it did happen again. We basically separated for a couple of months but we did not get divorced. She was deeply hurt and it took a long time for her to get over it. One condition this time was that I had to bring it out into the open with my pastor. I was that hypocritcal man you are talking about. I was a deacon in our church. I was a Sunday school teacher. I was our music director. Notice that I said WAS in all of those. After speaking with my pastor we agreed that I would have to step down from those leadership roles. It hurt me deeply but I knew that I had to do it. I could not be a leader in my church when I couldn't even lead my own life. Having to stand in front of the church and say that I was stepping down was pretty tough.
BUT
Here's the good news. I've counseled with my pastor and he is confident that God will one day restore me to the roles that I once had within our church. They say that confession is good for the soul. I have to agree. Once I confessed what was going on I could start working on what was wrong. I'm still working on the restoration portion but I'm confident that once I've made it through this God will allow me to assume a leadership role within the church once again.
I said all of that to say this: THERE IS HOPE! That hope is Jesus Christ. Philippians 4:13 states that "I can do all things through CHRIST which strengtheneth me." It may be hard to tell your parents what is going on. But pray about it and let the Lord lead you where you need to go. It may just be that your father, as someone you look up to, may just treat you like the prodigal son. If he's the kind of man you perceive him to be then he will welcome you with open arms and help you through this.
Most gracious heavenly Father I pray for this man in his struggle. Lead, guide, and direct him along the path he needs to take. I pray that you send your Spirit to minister to him and his family. Lord, if he confesses his sin to those he holds dear I ask that you give them the same compassion that Christ has for this man. Let them welcome him with open arms and help him with his struggle. Grant him the grace and mercy to come to a personal relationship with You so that he can be free from the bondage of this sin. Loose your angels around him and let Your Word and Spirit fill him with wisdom and knowledge. Grant him the peace that only You can provide to know that he has an advocate in You. For it's in Jesus' holy name I pray. Amen.
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