| Author | Post |
|---|
confusedwife
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 27th, 2009 |
| Location: | Philippines |
| Posts: | 3 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Thu Apr 30th, 2009 02:36 am |
|
My husband and I met when we were in college, got together and live together for 7 years. We had a satifying sex life, but early on I had seen the signs: the porn, the need for dirty talk while sex, the role playing, gadgets, big sexual appetite, whjich in my naive mind seemed okay. My husband was never aggressive except when in the act. We talked about fantasies and desires, but at that time, I did not recognize them as danger signs for outside the bedroom, he was a fairly calm man, gentle, caring, loving individual, though had a hard time expressing his emotions oftentimes, eccept he said i love you and hugged everyday.
He left to work oevrsease after 7 years of living together. After 2 years abroad, he came back to marry me then left as soon as that week was over. But I noticed the changes when he came home at that time. He did not like to have sex with me. Even during the night of our wedding, it took a lot of effort to even start it. I felt rejected. I felt it was my fault because I had gained weight by then. When he got back oversease after the wedding, he wrote to me, chatted to me and still said i love you but at some point, the emails became scarce and the hellos became much too spaced out. We bickered over the phone for the rejection I felt. We bickered for the lack of interest in what's happening to my life. Finally when our first anniversarry came, I went to saty with him for 2 weeks abroad. The first week was hell. he ignored me. he even said "can I adjust please?" he did not touch me. He ridiculed me. I did not see the man I live with before who was gentle and kind. I saw a condescending brute. I accepted it all. At that time I felt so depressed with my life. I accepted it all. One dawn, i decided to check his cellphone. I saw text mesages that read "I miss you." I freaked out. I conformnted him and he denied. At that point I wanted to end my life but we patched things up. I trusted him. He was kind to me the following week. Back to the same man i used to lived with, caring for me, hugging me, nothing sexual. But he would not reconsider me moving with him there. He had all the reasons w/c I could not rally understand at that time. The next 3 years was hell. We seldom talked. We often argued. But he did came home once for a 10-day visit, caring again but no sex. He would not touch me. The next few months, I finally just thought about myself. I felt so rejected that I threw myself working. I stopped emailing him, stopped begging, stopped calling. We would go on months without commmuncation at all. he forgot anniversaries, birtdhays, special days.
Finally this year, I do not know why, but I was able to hack all his emails and I saw the truth what he has been hiding from me through the years.---illict relationships with women who never knew he was married but engaed in casual sex, group sex, name it. It also came to the point he offered his services for paid sensual massage for foreplays and name it. I felt crushed. The man I cared for all those years, in my mind, threw our life away. They all engaged heaviliy in porn.
I told him he was sick. he told me he will change. So we tried working on it. I tried holding on. i posted a dummy personal ad for an invitation for a group act in one of the sites I learned he frequented, put up a dummy mail, dummy messenged accnt---after a month of posting, he took he bait.
he told me that during our chat, in the middle of it, he knew it was me. But something tells me he was lying again. But he said he was ready to fight it. I gave him articles about addiction, sex addicts, recovery, even address of SAA where he stays. He said he will find help for us. He begged me to reconsider to stay, crying on the phone that he needs me to change and that he does not "want" to be like that anymore"
Right now I just feel so broken. While somehow I understand how SA goes, a big chunk of me ants to pull away and just turn my back and leave. But I love him. Somewhere in me I fel guilty that this man willl abandoned again (a prevailing event in his young life with an absentee father and a very controlling mother). But I am so scared that going back means throwing my life away.
I just found out last night about a profile of him in an adult site he signed up for. His fantasies, fetishes, likes, and some of the things he has done.
I feel like we have nothing in common anymore except the past and our dreams we made for the future during those moments.
I love this person but I am so scared that this is on edge destruction. We still do not have a family yet. What can be done about this? Do I just move on and "save" myself before all these boomerangs on us. The last thing I have in mind is a molested child or am I thinking too much? I do not even think he can understand the everity of this. He has finally asked me to move in with him but I am having second thought now. Much as I love him, I also want to live a peacful life.
If you can send me your point of views, your comments, or stories, I would much be happy! Thanks in advance.
|
TM2
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
| Posts: | 473 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |   |
|
Posted: Thu Apr 30th, 2009 11:47 am |
|
I want to welcome you to this board. I hope you're also looking for advice on other boards that get more traffic than BG does now, and finding help from people in person. There is very little traffic here now, so I'll take time and reply even though as an addict I have no useful experience as a partner, just so you hear from somebody.
Obviously your husband is seriously addicted. Equally obviously if you are still finding new things last night on current adult sites he has not yet stopped acting out.
This seems to me to be an extremely dangerous situation. He's obviously at risk for contracting fatal diseases, as are you if you return to him. There are risks to any future children. I know some sweet men in recovery who abused their children as active addicts. Of course this happens. Children who grow up in families with addicts suffer the same abuse and neglect you are suffering, often leading to them becoming addicts themselves or having other psychological problems all their lives. If your husband and you get AIDS and die, any children will be left orphans.
Does part of your husband want to get better? Sure. But that has been true for many years, and he hasn't gotten better yet. Can he get better? Sure. People recover from addictions all the time. But it is very hard work that has to be the central thing that he does in life. He has to be willing to work at it all the time with all his heart with help from other people - counselors, SAA, etc., for years. Tearful resolutions that he wants to change are meaningless unless he is really working hard at SAA - probably going to meetings every day or more often in person and over the web - and at counseling. He probably means the tearful resolutions to improve, but without help, and a lot of it, improvement isn't possible.
And you are not to blame. Perhaps he was abandoned as a child, but now he is doing the abandoning. Until he not only desires to change but actively works at it all the time, there is nothing you can do to help him. He has to find healing himself, with help from others.
In your position, I would want to see daily work with other people and real, sustained transformation for at least a couple of years before even considering returning. Anything short of this is putting a band-aid on cancer. You are absolutely right that returning to him now risks throwing your life away - to despair, to AIDS, to suicide, to many other causes. Addicts lie a lot - not least to ourselves - and he cannot be believed for a very long time.
What sort of support are you getting for yourself? Counseling and meetings like COSA and SAnon might be useful. Learning to keep yourself safe both physically and emotionally and learning how addiction and recovery work are useful for you now, for yourself.
Obviously you have loved him a lot and have tried very hard. Nothing here is your fault. But you cannot save him. He has to act with all his energy and with the help of many others. Until and unless that happens, he will just get worse. You have tried with a lot of your life. If he is still not active in recovery every day, then I think both for your sake and for his and for the sake of any future family it is time to accept that he has made his choice and to move on.
Just my opinion, of course. You may do better to talk to other partners of addicts in real life or on boards like Porn Addiction Info or like npsupport.net, as well as with professional counselors where you are.
Tim M.
|
truthseeker
Administrator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 1322 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Apr 30th, 2009 01:16 pm |
|
Hi confusedwife,
I, too, wish to welcome you to BG.
I think Tim gave you much sound advice, and will add just a few more specifics for your husband's accountability and your protection.
Your husband must be tested for all manner of STD's, with you present for the results. Those tests must be repeated in six months, presuming that you have no further reason to suspect unfaithfulness during that time. Only if both sets of test prove clean can you consider resuming a physical relationship. He must change his cell phone number and retain no numbers that are not work related, though if he has a mind for numbers he may remember some of them. The phone must not have internet access, and must always be available for you to check call records. He must only be online in your presence, or a strong filter must be installed, for which only you have the password. Unfortunately this will make you seem a lot more like that domineering mother than a loving wife, but there is much trust to try and rebuild, and if he is serious about repairing your relationship and getting free, he will do whatever it takes. The advantage of living with him is that it makes it easier to account for his time, but being unable to be fully sexually involved while waiting for the six month test results may reinforce your sense of rejection.
There is, alas, the possibility that the first set of results will reveal something untreatable, at which point you would have to decide whether or not to continue in the marriage.
You didn't mention faith, but this is a journey that is more successful for most if both are actively pursuing a close relationship with God.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
|
confusedwife
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 27th, 2009 |
| Location: | Philippines |
| Posts: | 3 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Fri May 1st, 2009 05:37 am |
|
Thank you so much for replying to my post. For the objective ways you have pointed out to me. My faith is still raw but I want to believe that God is bigger than this. Somehow, I am trying to disintegrate myself from the "wife" status---as somewhere in me I know, our relationship has been dead for years or hanging by the thread. I am trying to listen to him now as a friend. I am so scared. yes, I will undergo counseling so I could somehow understand how I am changing in regards to this or if maybe I am in denial too. Spiritually-wise for him, he has always been distant, with little spurts here and there but emotions have always been shunned in their family and anger has remained unexpressed or sadness unexplored.
It's hard. It is like seeing a family member die from behind bars and he is clutching the keys and all I can do is watch.
Thanks Tim, I will check other sites too.
Thanks so much for answering me.
|
TM2
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
| Posts: | 473 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Fri May 1st, 2009 01:12 pm |
|
It's hard. It is like seeing a family member die from behind bars and he is clutching the keys and all I can do is watch.
A good metaphor, I'm afraid.
Tim M.
|
Devastated Wife
Member
| Joined: | Fri Jul 17th, 2009 |
| Location: | Pittsburgh |
| Posts: | 555 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 02:44 pm |
|
Dear Confused,
I am also new to this forum and just found out that my husband of 23 years has an addiction to porn and self-sex. I'm also a lawyer and a CPA.
I'd like to suggest that you see a competant divorce attorney and ask him/her to prepare a marital settlement agreement. This is essentially a property settlement agreement without the division of the marriage. It should be written to execute upon the filing of a divorce by either spouse. This would or should provide you with a measure of financial security should your husband refuse to get help for his problem and you choose divorce, or if he blames you and files for divorce, thinking, erroneously, that another woman would "fix" him. If he refuses to sign it, then I think you know whether he is serious about getting sober. If he signs it, it provides you with peace of mind while providing him with additional incentive to seek treatment and stay sexually sober. It may force the issue. He may say, "Well, if I'm going to sign this why don't we just get a divorce." And if that's what he says, I think you're probably going to be better off in the long run.
I am concerned that you love him and that you will continue to sacrifice yourself in the hope that he will get help and treat his addiction. While I hope and pray that is true, I likewise think you need to take every possible step to protect yourself physically from disease and legally and financially.
I'll be praying for you and all the women who are dealing with this issue.
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
|
confusedwife
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 27th, 2009 |
| Location: | Philippines |
| Posts: | 3 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 04:09 pm |
|
Thanks for replying to my post here. As of this time, I have decide to move on and just leave. Howeer in my country there is no divorce, only annulment. But ur suggestion has given me an idea on what to ask the lawyer next time. We will be starting with the annulment hopefully by January next year.
I am active at npsupport.net as there is much traffic there as was suggested by someone here. Hearing the wisdom of a lot of people helped me open my eyes on the abuse I have been getting from this man and I just dont deserve it.
Thank you very much. It is sad that our husbands turned have chosen to P and mine to P and be an SA than working on our marriage, but it's his choice and now I am also choosing for myself to say enough.
one SO in the forum said that if 10,000 pictures in P magazines, 10,000 P movies and countless flings cannot satisfy them that they would need more and more of it, one woman, one relationship cannot satisfy them at all.
For a time I endured the blameshifting as he blamed me for almost everything as to why he did that. I felt I was not enough. But I realized he needed to blame me becuse he cannot accept that he is the one messed up. I am not the one hunched over the computer needing to get a fix to get satisfied in an abnormal way. I am not the one doing dirty stuffs in the dark. I am not the one who has to throw his family away to feed his selfishness with P...so what I am trying to say is I am not the one messed up. I cannot be enough in his eyes because he is not enough.
It has been a roller coaster ride since I learned about it all. There are still days I cry, but there are more days I laugh now and I gues that is better. If I needed that to learn to value myself and learn to say no to abuse, then my tears and pain are not in vain. Life is good. I thank all of you who have helped me open my eyes.
Thank u so much.
|
Devastated Wife
Member
| Joined: | Fri Jul 17th, 2009 |
| Location: | Pittsburgh |
| Posts: | 555 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Jul 22nd, 2009 05:08 pm |
|
May God bless you and continue to strengthen you. I hear the newfound strength in your post. Remember you are a daughter of God, precious in his sight.
I will continue to pray for you and all of the other women who are facing this addiction. We are sisters in Christ, and for whatever reason, we have been drawn to the frontlines of spiritual warfare. Put on the whole armor of God and steel yourself against the arrows of the evil one. May God continue to bless and strengthen you.
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
|
Current time is 02:29 am | |
|
|
|
RSS