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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2009 04:14 am |
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We are here to listen and encourage.
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TM2
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Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2009 11:34 am |
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Sure it's OK. Our inability to reply in detail to every post doesn't mean we don't read and don't care.
We all need help. Things that help me include getting help and sharing with others who have found or are finding freedom. They show me that there is hope for me, and that I can dare to trust.
Tim M.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2009 08:39 pm |
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TM2 wrote: Sure it's OK. Our inability to reply in detail to every post doesn't mean we don't read and don't care.
We all need help. Things that help me include getting help and sharing with others who have found or are finding freedom. They show me that there is hope for me, and that I can dare to trust.
Tim M.
Amen! Thank you!
I had a good time at church today.
I always struggle at church and pray constantly, not because I feel I should but because I am under heavy attack.
How interesting to me that so much is revealed to me recently.
I feel my old self coming back to try to curse me again, after 4 years.
I think that as I grow and learn that the god I was afraid of is not the God of the Bible that I will grow stronger. "Help me today as I suffer and struggle" has been my prayer.
Yesterday while on a ride in the desert, I felt that one of the artists who's work I had been looking at needed to know that God loves him. I was thinking to myself "Why doesn't he draw more stuff like this?" and I felt a voice say "Because it hurts him to draw it".
Some doubt went through my mind, and in looking for a way to get a hold of him I saw some stuff that wasn't good per se, but I just kept going. I was already dog tired so I went to bed.
Today I thought about it some more. Even if he laughs at me, or whatever, I want to do it, because I feel the sorrow I see in some of his pictures. Anyway, it seems to me that I should have emailed him last night instead of giving up. My hear is telling me to wait, now, because he probably needed to hear it last night and not today.
I am praying on it, please pray for me too. Thanks!
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2009 09:18 pm |
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Hi Dave,
I thought of you during our morning message. Our pastor was preaching from 1 Peter, talking about preparing our minds for trials. One of the things he pointed out is that when we choose to follow Christ, even though we know that He is ultimately victorious over Satan, there are many battles between now and then, and Satan is not going to make it easy for those of us who have joined his enemy's army.
It takes some time before our sermons get posted, but he started the series on 2 Peter last week, (which is not posted yet,) but perhaps you would find it food for thought.
http://www.calvarybaptistchurchnj.org/now/page_006.htm
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2009 10:34 pm |
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I don't know if I should post what I wrote. It is intense.
I will definately check out your pastors sermon.
On second thought, I prayed about it, and I have a peace about it.
The following actually happened to me. It is intense and terrifying. It is also a testament to the fact that God can do anything.
Thank you for that.
This morning during Sunday school (For adults) the teacher was talking about how God forgives us, it was what I needed to hear.
My pastor also spoke about how we can turn from God, but He is still there for us. Who did the forsaking? my pastor said.
About 4 years ago while at the exotic animal sanctuary (I know I have talked about this before) I was overcome with an unreal temptation. Previous to that I had swore I would never allow myself or one of the animals to be demeaned by a sexual advance. Even though the owner professed homosexuality and allowed homosexuals and outwardly homosexual/zoophile (bestialty) to go there and spend time with the animals I never would associate myself with those people and asked why the owner would let them come there.
I later told the owner about my past, and about the temptation that had come on me.
All she said was that "She will bite you", half jokingly.
I pet her tummy and then realized what I was doing and ran out of there. It was like a switch had been flipped as soon as I got out of the pen and "things" were suddenly all over me. I even felt a physical sensation akin to a knife cutting me across my belly. I know this may make shivers run down your spine, and it should. Over the past 4 years, the first two especially, I was host to demonic torment that I almost never had relief from. It was constant. "Give up, you're going to hell" was repeated over and over and I felt things holding onto me, literally, physically, over my face, over my chest, on my back, and on my shoulders.
I ran back to my trailer, pleading with Jesus to spare me. I felt something with sharp claws or finger reaching into my chest wher emy heart was, and another thing grabbing my throat.
Over time one by one these things left me. I cried out to God a lot, read His word and was tormented by every verse mentioning Hell. I still have trouble reading the Bible.
I will never forget the first one that left. I was riding my motorcycle to go see the animal I had bonded with. I was rounding a turn to the road that led to the sanctuary. It was like someone pulled an icicle from INSIDE of me, through the top of my body.
I had no idea what happened, all I know is that I blacked out for a millisecond, felt horrendous fear, then was fine again. As fine as I could be, anyway. Later that week I went to Nevada to see some friends who had a farm, and I was struggling with that experience. I wondered if something evil had got me. But, as I prayed God showed me that it had LEFT me. It had left me angry.
I believe in total I have had 7 or so experiences since that time of things leaving me. One while I was overcome with weariness, I went to sleep. I was literally shaken awake, like I had suddenly come into contact with high voltage.
I remember reading about how the disciples were amazed, that when the demons left a certain man, the demons did not "tear" him.
Guys, if you are wondering what it is meant to be "torn" trust me, words and earthly emotions cannot come close to describing it.
So I prayed that if God was willing, not to let me be "torn".
God was so merciful, when the next ones left me they didn't hurt me. They were forced away.
Recently, a friend who knows about the attack told me I had no idea, there were demons all around me, but that the angels were on their way, coming to destroy them, and that my time of deliverance was sooner than I thought.
Something I am reading in the Exodus testimonials struck me:
"Stubbornly I said to God, "I'm leaving You in this stairwell" and entered the hallway leading to my apartment. Suddenly my eyes were opened to see hundreds of demons charging toward me. Terrified, I raced back to the stairwell and said, "I didn't mean it, Lord. I don't want to leave You; suffering with You is better than the alternatives to suffering without You." "
"Hundreds of demons charging" about describes it. Satan was allowed to do to me everything he wanted to, except for affect my physical body (To make me ill and take my life).
Every weakness, every rebellion, every thing that was inside of me that was not of God was quickly overcome.
I never contemplated suicide, because I knew I was so close, I would probably just do it.
During that time, right after the attack, I came to live with some Christians. I helped them caretake their property (600 acres in the hills what a view!) and helped them take care of their restaurant.
Even though we not always got along (I told the wife about my sexual issues, the husband wasn't so concerned with it. I realize this was a mistake for me) they are deep in my heart. God did that, because I struggled with them a lot. I just tried to be a servant, in light of what happened, I was trying to be a super Christian good guy person, because I didn't want the torment to get any worse.
I couldn't let go of the pain and fear I felt, not when it was holding onto me like that. I was paralyzed with fear.
Only now am I able to relax enough to allow God to show me some things.
I know you are thinking that I am exaggerating, or maybe I am just totally nuts, but in truth I am watering it down a little.
Why did God allow that to happen?
Because I was so convinced by the voices I heard, that I would go to hell, I wanted that animal more than I wanted God. So, God let me make that decision. Either because I had accepted Jesus when I was very young, or because I cried out to Jesus I was spared.
Through it, I have realized a lot. Even right after, God was helping me. But the anxiety never gave me a break. It was a living hell, almost liek God was saying "You thought your life was bad before!"
I have learned so many things about myself through, it, things I may not have learned otherwise.
Also, I realize these things happened to me, due to my fairly unique mindset, I could handle it. How many people can say they could deal with a demonic force that they could physically feel holding onto them.
When they would try to make me notice them, i started to say "There's nothing I can do. God is working".
God also gave me a far-off hope. Something that Satan could not take away, the thought that my redemption was inevitable, I just had to hang on.
A series of miracles happened to me also during that time, when I had calmed down enough (About a year and a half after the attack) to allow God to show me some things.
I will say this, my friends. If you doubt a word of what I am saying, there is One who knows the Truth. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you if I am lying about this. If it shakes you to your core, I apologize, but I am ultimately the one who has to overcome it.
You may ask yourself why I would ever go back to that place after all this happened to me, and so much I have not talked about.
The draw I had because of those animals was very strong. When I was in the pen with that particular animal I bonded with, I would always pray (Even before the attack). "Lord, make my relationship with this animal something that makes you smile". He honored that. Even the owner of the sanctuary said that he belonged to me. My heart breaks when I think about him, because he is penned up in a small pen by himself, and doesn't get visitors.
After I told the owner what had happened (I felt she deserved to know what I had almost done, and my sexual past) she was fine with it. SO long as I never actually did anything like that was the unsaid effect I got from the conversation.
A week or so later I helped a homeless man move out of there and I never returned. She sees me in town and asks me why I don't come to see the animal anymore. She can't understand why I would just abandon him and the sanctuary.
Plus, I did a *lot* of work there, and was skilled labor, I could run and diagnose electrical circuits, I was proficient in all the aspect of plumbing she needed, I was willing to work myself half to death for the animals, and I was very proficient with the computers.
Not only that but I had a number of guns and I knew how to use them, because the owner had had instances of people shooting at her animals, (One animal was shot to death form outside the sanctuary) drugs being dealt around there, etc, and needed someone to protect her and the animals. I was happy to do so.
But the feeling in my spirit that I shouldn't be there never left. I fasted, I prayed, I just wanted to be with the animals.
People I know from my church know the lady who owns it and are dumbfounded why I would just up and leave. "She's a nice person!" they say. Yes, she is, but she is running from God! I was "The Christian" and tried to help her, told her the witchcraft was not of God, and she agreed but things just didn't change.
Others in my church know about the sanctuary and think me wise for not going back.
I miss the animals, especially the one I bonded with. I pray for them, because I know what is allowed to live over there. I have seen the faces of one of the animals there turn from an animal into something contorted, as if a demon was wearing the facial skin and fur of the animal. The personality of the animal went from sweet, docile and loving to angry in a split second. It scares me to talk about it, but I did see it. My hear has been beating heavy since I started writing this.
This has been the most traumatic experiences I have ever had, and it is going to take a lot of recovery for me.
I have been literally too afraid to turn to God, because I was so scared He would say "Too bad, you made your choice". Even though I had been held in His arms when I was 14, and even though the miracles had happened to me, I still felt so afraid. I now know this is a tool of Satans to keep me from coming back to the Healer.
It is exciting to see what God is going to do with me in the future. I would wager that not too many people have been through what I have been through. He has called me to minister to those who are broken like me. My experiences at that sanctuary are part of that testimonial.
I ask God to "Count me as an overcomer in your kingdom" and "Count me worthy to escape the tribulation!".
He has promised me a wife, and the vision He gave me while on the property of the people who took me in will never leave me. In fact, the vision mostly has been what has been keeping me going.
Yesterday I was praying that same prayer, and His voice said "You already have overcome". How wonderful it was to hear that!!
Recently I have been tempted, in times of desperation, to go back and live there. Not if I want to stay in Gods will, and not if i want the vision to come true, and not if I want to stay on the path the He has chosen for me, however difficult and lonely.
I ask God, to let me have the animal I bonded with in Heaven. I say "Even if he means nothing to me in Heaven, let him be my constant companion".
It says that the Lion shall dwell with the Lamb, in the Bible, and it also says that the animals await the redemption of man (Romans 8 18-23).
Some people may say there will be no animals in Heaven, but I don't believe that at all. Not with what I know about God.
Sometimes when people you care about have left you to die, God will send an animal to comfort you.
Last edited on Mon Aug 10th, 2009 01:09 am by doleorequiem
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Aug 10th, 2009 12:56 am |
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Hi Dave,
One thing that encourages me is that Satan only took a third of the angels with him, so that means that the faithful angels outnumber them two to one. Also remember that "Greater is He who is in you, than he who is in the world."
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Mon Aug 10th, 2009 01:01 am |
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Amen! You are right. Not only that, but the remainder work for the most powerful guy in the universe.
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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TM2
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Posted: Mon Aug 10th, 2009 01:35 am |
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"There's nothing I can do. God is working".
True, indeed.
Tim M.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Tue Aug 11th, 2009 11:10 pm |
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These past few days have been a struggle. I have lost and I have won.
Something the Lord showed me was about my attitude.
In not being a father to me, my father did two things. Starved me for male affection that has turned into an addiction to other forms of male affection.
The second thing it did was it prevented me from becoming a man.
I have been through a lot, more than many people. But still, when I endure little things, the small things most men will endure as a part of life, I will let it ruin me.
God showed me yesterday that I was never taught when I was younger how to "deal" and "cope" with the unfairness of life. I had to try to do it on my own, instead of getting wisdom from a loving father, I used my own mind to survive.
I was getting angry with God again, for letting me live, for putting me back here on this earth. Like He does, He said "If you will calm down I will show you something. You won't want to hear it, but it is for your own good. All of these things you are angry with me about, you are angry because your father never taught you how to deal with life."
When someone like me becomes a soldier, I would be forced to become a man, to "find myself", to shear away all of the worthless baggage because any time I could be killed, and I would have to be ready for that.
So when little things come, like a red light camera with a short yellow light, I freak out. When I am cut off, I get furious. When the slightest injustice happens to me, I get mad. Real mad, and it burns inside of me until it burns out or I am shown how nonsensical it is, accept it, and calm down. Sometimes I know how unreasonable I am being, but I still continue, because sometimes it just feels good to be angry.
What a woeful life one lives when one lives for emotion alone.
When I was growing up, maybe I was just too sensitive. I do not know the reason. But, I figured out that if I think about a situation, or a person, or words, that if I say a certain thing, act a certain way, I could manipulate a situation and make things work in my favor. More importantly, I could be a person that I was not, just by trying, and changing myself. I was a scared, scarred, destroyed little boy, who took everything everyone said to heart. Satan knew this and sought to have people single me out for torment. Instead of trusting God to help me work with the pain of life, I trusted myself and escaped the pain, through anger.
The problem is, the the Bible says that is witchcraft.
What you are doing is trusting yourself, trusting your easily manipulated emotions, to make your own life. You trust yourself to tell you how to "be" and eventually you lose who you are. Because, you are not alone when you take this path. Do you think God is the one who is putting those thoughts into your mind, to "Do this", or "Act that way"? You lose who you are, and you also become unable to function as you really are. You cannot talk to people without thinking about what to say, instead of saying what comes naturally.
It also opens up so many doors to other things that are not from God. You step out of Gods protection, His realm where He can protect you. The only problem is, that in that realm, you have to trust Him, and trusting Him can be painful, and frightening.
You also never grow up. Because you never allow things to "happen" as you trust God, you are your own engineer, and by design you never, ever grow up. Life is about your experiences and how you deal with them, not your experiences and how you feel you should respond to them. That isn't to say you don't think, but don't try to put the entire world and every consequence in your mind. That's Gods job. That is why some people seem to act like total children when they let loose. They wonder why. Never experiencing life, never being vulnerable, you become an immature child in control of an adult body. The best you can do is act mature.
It also bolsters your pride. Your Goddamned pride. The pride that keeps you away from God, because for a while, you were in control. Why trust God? Why do you need Him?
I struggle with this. I hate my pride, I hate it so much. Until it comes down on you like a ten ton hammer, all your sin tangled in a web so sordid you can't even tell who you are anymore.
Strapping Young Lad has a song called "Dirt Pride". That's what pride is. It's your own foolishness telling you that you are in control.
To a degree, everyone who is not a manipulator is trusting God in their day to day lives. They just do not know His name. They do not understand that by not being afraid of people, they are not trusting themselves in life. Many of them do not know that in not trusting themselves, they are actually trusting God, without even knowing it.
That is why manipulation is called witchcraft. It is a joint effort (Whether you know it or not) with Satan to influence any given situation in your favor.
Why do witches and warlocks commune with Satan and cast spells?
It also opens up areas of the brain that should never be open to you. When you choose to open these areas up, you are unleashing a horrendous burden, by taking control of your life from God. There are things that people just shouldn't know. In the end, without exception, they will become a 10 ton weight, crushing you. Giving those areas back to God is as difficult as changing who you are, and who you have become. You have been this persona all your life, and changing is not quick nor is it easy.
You're probably thinking "Well if you know so much how come you're so ****ed up?". I don't know. I have the knowledge, but the strength, the willpower, the want and desire I lack.
There are times when I say I would rather be dead. I don't want to go to Hell. Certainly Heaven wouldn't want me. So, what? To never have existed? I think about it, and that would be sad. All I have is my love for wolves. There's something inside of me that won't let me dwell on that too much, to have never existed. Like a survival mechanism, or something living in me that cries out "THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER!"
Why not? I'm so tired. I am hanging on, because I really don't have a choice. I have made myself weak, and all of my poor choices have suddenly collapsed on me. How many more times must it happen? I don't even feel like a human being. When I think about it, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live.
I wish I could be a person who could trust God for everything. I am trying so hard, but the mire of much that is the old self is like a glue trap.
I have so much growing to do. Because of my iniquity and my sinning recently, I am fighting even moreso for my sanity. Was it worth it? It NEVER is. But why is the end result always hidden from me when I am in the midst of temptation? I suppose that s just the nature of it.
The wife of the couple I lived with after the sanctuary incident had a brother. He rode a motorcycle like I did. He was also abused when he was younger. You could see the pain in his eyes. He would tell his sister "I just don't want to live anymore".
One night, God took him home, it was a hit and run he was on his bike.
I think some people let life become such a burden, when they feel they have run out of options, that they just give up. I feel I am one of those people. There is a way out, there is God, but I don't even have the strength to smile sometimes, let alone choose Gods will.
I understand that God knows this, and has been really kind to me, in spite of my experiences.
I have felt a bullet travel along the hairline of my temple. I have had a bike stall just before I flew sideways into a busy highway. I have had a heart attack from drugs. I have had a loaded shotgun, and a loaded pistol held to my head on two different occasions. I have been laying on a desert road with my body broken and a rib in my lung, dying. I have died from an injection. But I still remain. God wants me alive or I would have died a long time ago.
I want to do what God wants me to do. I want to live the life that God has for me. I don't want to substitute my own disgusting righteousness for His. I cannot see a way out of everything I have done to myself. But I know there is hope and redemption. It is the now that I struggle with. It is the times I spend alone, the times I am hit with what I have become, that my heart is run through.
I ask myself "What is the point? What is the point of me?"
I know that if I endure, if I wait, I will feel better. It always passes. But while I am enduring it, sneaks up on me like a small rabbit and hits me like a freight train.
God, please don't despise me or forsake me. I am trying. I feel so unworthy.
I have ordered some literature from Exodus.
I had a dream about the animal I bonded to last night. I miss him so much. I feel so alone sometimes it is just overwhelming.
On a good note, I adjusted the valves, synced the carbs, and richened up my motorcycle a little, and the thing runs great now. I love my motorcycle. Sometimes all I have to look forward to is riding to the store.
____________________
Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Aug 12th, 2009 12:05 am |
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Hi Dave,
Please forgive if I am writing things that you have already considered, but I just don't want to assume.
You have a right to be angry, with your father for abusing you, and your mother for letting him do it. (I wouldn't be surprised if he abused her, too, and even adults can be so paralyzed by fear and poor self-esteem that they won't utilize women's/children's protection programs.) Have you considered the possibility that you are displacing your justifiable anger, which you may never have been able to express to your parents, on to these daily irritations?
Scripture tells us "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. ... And do not
grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling
and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God
forgave you." Eph. 4:26-7, 30-2 NIV
An important step, which may be a ways down the road for you, will be to ask God to help you to forgive your parents. Anger and bitterness hurt us more in the long run than they do the object(s) of our anger.
I realize that your own life is tumultuous at present, but is there anywhere in your area at whitch you might be able to volunteer to assist others who are struggling, applying the compassion you have shared with animals to your fellow humans?
I am not looking for you to answer these here, just presenting some things for personal meditation.
Continuing to pray...
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Wed Aug 12th, 2009 04:38 am |
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Thank you for taking them time to type that.
I haven't given much thought to the misplaced anger situation. I suppose, you are right. I have an unreasonable expectation that everything should be fine, and I don't know where it came from, but I am trying to be rid of it. Some things get ingrained in you and it is hard to shake them loose.
I am driving a large diesel truck to pick up food for the homeless and hungry, but I don't really interact with them.
I am friends with the homeless in town, but there's not much I can do around them, except drink.
One thing I do, is when a poor person has car troubles I will repair it for them usually for free. It can be a burden, but I have made some good friends from it.
In fact, today I am helping the son of the sister of them wife of the people I am staying with. His Ford Ranger locked up (Warped head, water in oil) and I am helping him pull the motor and put a new one in.
It seemed after my last post, that I was freed of some torment. I was reminded that my release from the bondage of the attack was nearer than I thought.
The guy's mom made home made tacquitos [sic] with homemade chile (salsa) and it was fantastic. For a brief moment I felt like "Dude, you are OK".
I rode home on the bike and did a temperature check by feeling the side of the engine case, and boy, it was running cooler than it ever has. What a blessing that is.
OH! Something amazing happened!!
I got a call from a 406 area code. I debated whether or not to answer it (I get calls from bill collectors all the time) but I did. It turns out it is Daniel, the homeless guy I moved out of the exotic animal sanctuary! It's been almost a year and a half since I saw him last! The Lord has been laying him on my heart to pray for, and I have been. It turns out not only is he doing well, but he also has the old 1960's era Yamaha scooter I helped him to get running good. I thought he'd lose it, being homeless, but he still has it. That's amazing!
I had to drop everything I was dong and talk to him. Wow, it's been a while. I was wondering how he was, and if I would ever even hear from him again. I was blessed by this a great deal. It is hard to wonder about how a friend is doing.
I also had some thoughts while I was riding the bike to help the guy fix his truck.
That, God is working on me. God doesn't take a break, or forget about me and say "Oh crap! I forgot about him!". Things may seem a way in my mind, but the truth s God is forever working on me while I live.
So I thought "Why then is my progress sometimes stunted?"
It is because I allow myself to be carried away with emotion (Good or bad) and go somewhere where the devil is leading me in my mind, and pretty soon I am running away from a bad situation I created.
The point God made with me is that I need to continue to stay the course He has laid out for me, with the confidence that I am going to one day, not have to endure int his world anymore, and that it will be His will when it happens.
Like "Dude, stop worrying". Easier said than done when I am under heavy attack or temptation, but I feel that God is going to deliver me out of a lot of things I thought would always be there to hurt me. He sort of has to, for me to be able to progress.
He also reminded me that "I will always love you". No matter how stupid I get. It is just good to have that knowledge in my spirit every once in a while.
Tomorrow someone else is driving the truck, so I can sleep in, that's a blessing, too.
But I hear you about the compassion. I have struggled with that a lot, with people. In order for me to have the mindset I had when I was growing up, I had to look down on everyone. I hated and despised people, because all they were good for was hurting me.
I cannot really jump from that mindset to a caring one without a lot of help. God doesn't want me caring more for animals than for people, so He is working on that with me, too.
Daniel asked me how the animals were doing at the sanctuary, I told him I didn't know. I haven't been there since I saw him last.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 12:01 am |
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Yesterday was my birthday and don't even say it, please.
I thought I might have two shots of Vodka and a cigarette, so I did. I hiked up to a tall hill with my binoculars and looked over the desert. I rolled a small cigarette from the tobacco I found. I then laid down on a rock and slept.
Since I have been walking the way God has been wanting me to walk the past few years, in spite of horrendous oppression and fear, I now realize that God has been blessing me. I have been blessed with being placed on a path to growth, and more blessings.
However, since have been caving in to my flesh, I am starting to see how much I have screwed that up. I have opened a door to temptation that in the past has been so severe it has affected me physically.
I am reading a thing about temptation written by a Christian.
Here is a quote from it:
Spurgeon writes: “A man who carries gunpowder about with him, may well ask that he may not be led where the sparks are flying. If I have a heart like a bombshell, ready to explode at every moment, I may well pray God that I may be kept from the fire, lest my heart destroy me.
http://www.reformedonline.com/view/reformedonline/Jesus%27%20Advice.htm
In other words, resist temptation, find a wife, get married and just be happy.
I guess it depends on who you talk to.
Probably one of the most important things about my condition was revealed to me yesterday, and I feel the need to share it.
At some point in my young, ruined and shattered life I found myself contemplating life.
I had to have been thinking about life in its entirety. Thinking about how we struggle, sweat and slave, then die.
I know I thought "There's no way I am going to do this" and sought about creating a fantasy world where I didn't have to die, I didn't have to struggle. I have been terrified of death since I was a very young child, thanks in part to my mothers hypochondria, which she effectively passed onto me. I simply convinced myself I was not going to die.
There was more than likely some distortion in my young mind of scripture. I can almost guarantee it.
Instead of listening to the scripture I learned in Sunday School, I probably just got involved with the spirit of the discussion, rather than the substance. This left my mind open to emotional distortions, coupled with my need for a fantasy world where I wasn't so ruined inside, Satan had a field day. And he still does today, literally 30 years later.
"Isn't it great, kids? We are going to live forever with Jesus!" And in my mind: "You're not going to die, Dave, you're going to live forever with Jesus.... Here on earth just like you have been".
So I told myself "I am not going to die because I am a Christian!"
I have been living under this deception for a long time, and when said as an adult it is hard to believe I would be harboring something so juvenile.
But it makes sense.
Only recently have I been thinking about the misery that is my life, and a voice tells me: "Do you think you are going to endure this forever? Because in your heart, that is exactly what you think".
I have been saying to myself the greatest blessing God could give me is the gift of death. Why? Because then, I don't have to live anymore. And it's not that... Not living.. It's living HERE. Where life is cheap. But I don't say it out loud. I cannot live like this forever, and God has shown me that He loves me, over and over. I have to hold out. I was given a vision and it has kept me going, and alive do varying degrees.
So, after convincing my young mind that I am not going to die, I set out to build a world around that distorted reasoning.
Like I said before: A world of emotions. Why work hard to feel like you have accomplished something when you can just FEEL like you have? Except that sine changes that and opens the door to allow Satan to wreak havoc in your mind. Because I never trusted God to make my life worth living I set out to do it myself. Later, copious drug usage and drinking helped me achieve a higher state of delusion. Only today, after 30 years, am I starting to wake up to all of this.
Thus begins my cold and lonely road to the realization that one day, I am going to die.
Except, that during those dark times of introspection, when I am looking deep inside of myself, seeing all that is wrong, I am uplifted with the thought that one day I will die and I will not have to struggle anymore. One day, I will be rid of this life. And that brings me a great deal of comfort.
I understand that God is sorting things out.
I am struggling now even more with God, with resentment, over my situation. As bleak as things were in my old mind, they are similarly bleak, except now, they are more based in reality.
And now since I have yielded to temptation, I can feel my old mind, curses and all, starting to come back.
Since what happened to me at the exotic animal sanctuary, I was subjected to so much mental trauma, I became another person entirely, I had to, to survive, to be someone who wasn't deserving of Hell. Still, I try to earn salvation. I have been pleading with God to spare me from my old self.
God has shown me a lot. I am to have a ministry for homosexuals, I am going to have wealth, I am going to have a wife. What does all that matter when I am still me?
When I am able to look at all that I have become, all that I am, all I have tried to be, it is overwhelming. I have heaped the curses on myself until things were so dark it was God alone holding me together. How do you undo 30 year old habits? How do you break lifelong curses? Part of me knows God can do it. Part of me sees the old garbage comes back. Part of me is scared God doesn't care anymore.
Part of me wonders if God is helping me because it wasn't my fault for what happened to me when I was so young. The things I really wish I knew.
I have missed out on 30 years of living as a human being. As someone who trusts God with their life, and not their easily manipulated emotions.
We are reaching a new phase of Gods presence in this world. Things have never looked bleaker, but they are also hopeful. I have taken comfort int he Bible verse that says "You were born for such a time as this".
I am torn between the thought that the Christian life is one that should be rich in blessing and devoid of suffering, and the thought that it may be a life desiring death, more and more, as someone in the desert desires water.
My mom once told me I cannot help how I feel. I sure hope she is wrong about that. I also dread the thought of going back to bondage and trying to make myself a sinless robot.
In the end, in spite of how bleak I feel things are, I am trusting God. I am trusting God by choosing to remain alive, to believe that there is hope for me, even though I cannot fathom it.
I understand that my understanding of God is warped and has been that way since I was very young. I understand that being transformed, having my mind renewed in truth has been a long and difficult struggle.
I know when I stand before Jesus, His presence will not be through a cloud of distortion. It is my sincere desire to be the man that God was wanted me to be. it is my desire to have a Holy relationship with Him, who has kept me safe all of my life. I want to walk the path that He has for me, because at the end of that path, at the end of the road is rest, not a delusion of eternal life unchanged. Sometimes I think about Jesus in Biblical times, and I think about what I would do. A sorrow wells up inside of me, a spring of an unfathomable depth of pain wells up when I envision Jesus. I see myself dropping to His feet and crying all of my pain away. Crying until I had poured out all of the pain of my life. Would He let me lay there and cry for all that time? I have to believe He would. I wonder if there were people suffering similar things who did actually drop down and cry like I envisioned myself. I will sometimes think that I am so damaged, so destroyed that I would need to be brought up to Heaven to be healed.
P.S. I know that a lot of my progress has been because of the people who are reading these things and praying for me, sincerely. I thank you, and want to say that it is doing me good. I know kind hearted people are being led by the Spirit to keep me in their prayers and it is making a difference.
Last edited on Fri Aug 14th, 2009 12:04 am by doleorequiem
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 02:30 am |
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More introspection and listening to the Lord, I have realized two things.
Part of my pride and arrogance is wanting to have the same mind, to be comfortable and unchanged. The problem with that is that while we still live we are flawed. So I am trying to hold on to a flawed state.
In holding onto a flawed state, I resist the changes that God would have me make incrementally over time. These changes are almost always universally painful, difficult, and burdensome, because they are tearing down what I have built up. So, I have made a life of for the mostpart, resisting them.
It is very easily to be deceived in this state because it is derived from pride, pride that says: "You are master of your own mind and destiny and you have it all together.". Of course, that's not the case at all.
I was reading last night in a devotional about anxiety. How it stems from you believing that something is on you that you are unable to take. But the Bible says we are not given more than we can take, even though it seems as if we are burdened beyond relief sometimes.
I might as well resign my hope for a painless life. I have to take the good with the bad, and not live in a fantasy that has been proven a source of misery.
Please continue to pray for me.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 02:38 am |
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Hi Dave,
Your ponderings bring to mind Psalms 119:105. "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." At some point I remember it being pointed out that a lamp, especially those of biblical times, was not something that would illuminate much distance ahead. While not being able to view further down the road may conceal that a rough area levels out, it also precludes us seeing and fearing a mountain ahead, distracting us from what God asks of us right now.
I wonder, sometimes, what kind of salt or light I might be, whether or not I would remember to have compassion for unbelievers, if my salvation had brought insolation from the trials of this world. How often does it appear that the rich and famous are surrounded by friends, only to be rapidly abandoned and/or mocked by them when their fortunes are lost, or stardom wanes? By contrast, how many lifelong bonds have been cemented under the most horrific of circumstances, such as concentration or POW camps? Yes, I might be inclined to judge God's faithfulness by what He's done for me lately, rather than what Jesus did before I was born, but by what standard could my faithfulness to God be measured? Would I really want to offer Satan the opportunity to accuse me of only being his servant for the blessings, as he did Job?
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TM2
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 06:18 pm |
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doleorequiem,
I'm just touching base as someone who is still reading and listening. Much of what you write about is too deep for me to be able to reply meaningfully, but I continue to read.
Two very brief quotations from your earlier posts on which I do have quick comments:
Why trust God? Why do you need Him?
Well, who else is there? As the disciples say, Lord, to whom shall we go?
Certainly Heaven wouldn't want me.
Obviously this isn't an argument in favor of death, which was the context of the remark, but I think there is nothing more certain than that heaven does want you, and all of us. We've all made a lot of mistakes, but we make those mistakes as Christ stands beside us, weeping, waiting in patient sorrow until we have suffered enough to take the hand that is always extended to us. If my 30 or 40 years in hell have taught me anything, it is that.
Tim M.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 10:39 pm |
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TM2 wrote: doleorequiem,
I'm just touching base as someone who is still reading and listening. Much of what you write about is too deep for me to be able to reply meaningfully, but I continue to read.
Two very brief quotations from your earlier posts on which I do have quick comments:
Why trust God? Why do you need Him?
Well, who else is there? As the disciples say, Lord, to whom shall we go?
Certainly Heaven wouldn't want me.
Obviously this isn't an argument in favor of death, which was the context of the remark, but I think there is nothing more certain than that heaven does want you, and all of us. We've all made a lot of mistakes, but we make those mistakes as Christ stands beside us, weeping, waiting in patient sorrow until we have suffered enough to take the hand that is always extended to us. If my 30 or 40 years in hell have taught me anything, it is that.
Tim M.
Time, thanks for the reply. I think you have misunderstood. When I say "Why trust God", it is the foolish thought process that fuels the prideful belief that I can control my own destiny, including spiritual things.
I have been realizing, steeped in temptation, that I have been shunning God, saying to Him "No thanks, I can handle it". Deep down I am also saying "No thanks. I know what You want. You want me to suffer. I know this because with few exceptions it is all have ever done. I don't want to be indebted to you". Scary, huh?
Coupled with my diseased mind, I have neglected ever letting God have the deepest parts of me, the parts that Satan can prick and cause me grief and sorrow.
Now, I must confront these strongholds, that for me, are so deep they go into the physical realm, some of them.
I have tried to make my own way so deep inside of me that it seems I don't have a place to hide, not even in my own mind. I don't think too many people can understand, and I don't think I'd really want them to. I know God has given me the strength to live, but slowly succumbing to thoughts and whatever, I have allowed Satan to whittle away what peace I had.
I am so unbelievably tired. I am dealing with the consequences of my sin. It is tempting me to believe that I had no other choice, to hate God because I have had two choices: Falling to temptation OR the empty misery that is daily life. But, I never gave God a chance to help me during those dark times, because I believed that He had abandoned me as soon as I started to allow temptation to take root. Only the past few weeks or so have I started to realize that God is always there for me.
But realization isn't applying.
Like a spoiled little child I turned my back on God and said "NO!".
It has to go to the very root of my existence, the part of me that I took control away from God. So my struggle is two-fold, I have to give it back to God, then allow Him to repair it. I made it a point when I was younger to take control of as much of myself as I could. How regrettable this is for me today. It's like a 3 year old going to work on a space shuttle with an axe and a rocket launcher, then realizing later that he is going to have to live in the spaceship later.
I feel that the only way I am going to experience what Grace is, is to suffer more. What other way is there?
However, I am comforted with the realization that no matter what, I am going to die one day.
Something I need to say, is that with everything that is revealed to me, it is not victory. It's only a diagnosis.
I have become accustomed to the thought that I am striving for perfection. I remember way back when (I was 18?) for several years I didn't go on the net, I didn't watch TV, I didn't drink, I felt so filled with Gods Spirit (Or maybe it was the Prozac?) that I felt I was literally perfected. Until.. I looked up some furry stuff on a work computer.
However, it seems today that the direction I want to go, is back there. To "Perfection". Burying all the disease to fester deep inside, and to pretend I am perfect. Some Christians today profess to have reached a state of perfection. They have fallen into an awful trap!
feel the way to redemption is not to hold onto any absolutes. I have found that by holding on to absolutes, that absolutely anything can happen to you. The only absolute is that God loves me. And even that absolute is about as bright as a candle inside me, it seems. I fear sometimes that I have not strayed from God but rather I was never close to Him. He gave me supernatural experiences so that they would be my strength, because I refused to allow Him to help me in the day-to-day.
Satan saw how vulnerable I was and pounced on me and did horrendous things to me. Things only God can help me with, that no medication, or counseling can cure.
I know God hasn't given up. In writing these things it really helps me understand myself better. But, sometimes honestly the only thing that keeps me from giving up is the thought that I may go to a place even worse than this planet and the hell I have created for myself here. I just need a lot of help, and only God can give it. I have no hope otherwise.
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john
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Posted: Sat Aug 15th, 2009 12:00 pm |
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I've been listening to "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller on audiobook. I don't know why, but I feel that something in the chapter on loving ourselves is relevant to you.
He talks about the verse where Jesus says we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. The author had a very hard time receiving love and had a string of bad, failed relationships because of it. He felt he was able to give love, but wasn't able to receive it himself because he hated certain things about himself.
He realized that by giving love to others, he was asking them to receive his love, but he was unwilling to receive their love in return. He realized what a prideful and even hypocritical thing this was - to deprive them the opportunity to give love when he expected them to give him that opportunity.
Anyway, I thought it was profound. It's a really good book if you haven't read it. 
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Mon Aug 17th, 2009 12:17 am |
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Thank you for that reply, John. It seems when I focus on any one of my problems I am wading through a telephone line terminal (Thousand if jumbled wires) and suddenly I am less concerned with the individual problem and more overwhelmed with the general nature of my overall neurosis.
Last night I went to bed and was going to fall asleep when I was reminded that because I didn't email the artist I talked about earlier, that I needed to wait 7 days and do it next Saturday. So I got back up, prayed and prayed, and emailed him. I spoke from my heart and told him about how Jesus still loved me even though I was screwing up. I told him I was his friend, and that I can empathize with him, all of which is 100% true. I feel a sorrow for him in my heart because I know it is something we both struggle with.
I woke up today with the revelation that my entire spiritual life has its foundation on emotions. What's wrong with that? you may ask. The Bible says we are not o go by sight (Feelings, things you can see and touch) but by faith. Which is good advice when I start to feel like there is no hope for me, from hopping on my bike and making myself a truckers hood ornament.
God showed me this morning that I haven't really truly meditated on His word, and actually BELIEVED any of it. I always had an accompanying emotion and said "Aww that's great Jesus is going to do that for me". Not "I can apply this to my active life and literally believe this is going to happen for me!".
This did two things:
1. It let me build my feeble house on sand. This is why Satan had a field day with me at the exotic animal sanctuary. If you attack someone who believes he is doomed deep down, how long will that person endure? Satan was hoping I'd pop myself, like I fantasized about doing all my life, and just get it over with. But I endured. I endure.
2. Necessitated God proving Himself to me. God has use of me, I am told that by people who don't even know me. Am I special? Maybe, in a "You were born for such a time as this" way. Do I want to scream for God to take my life from me? Absolutely. Just because someone is chosen for something doesn't mean it is something you yourself are able to handle (Which is why I in particular was born for "Such a time as this").
I called my mom today and unloaded a lot of my problems to her. One thing I said is that I know, I understand that I will be OK in the long run. But that doesn't help me today. I told her about the stove. I may have at another point in my life. She knows I am a *****ed up person. I said "I don't know what all happened to me when I was younger but..". She is the one who told me I was abused since I was 3 (I don't remember, so I asked and she told me).
She had me go through an exercise where I say out loud 5 things I am touching, 5 things I am seeing, and 5 things I am hearing. Saying each thing, with one less at the end. Like, I am touching my socks, my pants, my shorts, my chair and my laptop. Then, I am touching my socks, my pants, my shirt, and my chair. Then, I am touching my socks, my pants, my shirt. Then, I am touching my socks and my pants. Then, I am touching my socks.
Then repeat it for when you are seeing, then what you are hearing, because when Satan attacks you he has trouble doing so when you are concentrating on something else.
After the revelation this morning, it hit me hard and I was freed a great deal by it. I felt good, like healing had begun. Halfway through church I was burdened a great deal by everything. I ran out of church, (When the service was over) and my prayer was answered, nobody tried to stop me to talk to me.
I also didn't tell anyone about my birthday, but they had me fill out a card at church about me, and I put it down. My brithday came and went, but they still had a delayed birthday. The guy who does the announcements said in front of the church "Sorry David we missed your birthday I apologize about that", to which I said "I didn't tell anybody about it..." but he just kept going. They had me stand up and everyone sang happy birthday to me and a few others anyway. While I was standing, they said "Anyone else having a birthday this week?" I chimed in "You aren't getting out of it, you might as well stand up!" Haha. At least some people laughed.
I have been asking God to take my life from me. I am so tired, I tell Him. I just can't do this anymore, I say. I wonder if the hope that is deep down inside of me is actually there, or is it just a survival mechanism? God reminded me today that I am going to be married to a woman I love. I can only fanatsize what that will be like, because I honestly have never experienced it in my lifetime. But I get caught up inside myself in fantasies a lot, so I can't think about it too much. My desperate mind grabs onto anything pleasurable and holds onto it with tenacity. It is quite a fight to let go of pleasant things, that can quickly turn into misery.
I am trying not to let bitterness overcome me. It comes on me not as bitterness, but as relief. "Just hate everyone. It's easier that way. Go somewhere and just... die. There's no hope. Just give up. Do you really want to wait for something afar off?" it says. Satan will never tempt you with feelings of truth.
I hunger for two things anymore. One is truth, the other is rest. Not sleep, but eternal rest.
My warped mind, 30 years old, and I mean old, has never been "right" or "healthy". I have trained myself to believe a deception, to ruin myself my entire life. I know no amount of counseling, drugs, or whatever can help me overcome the ingrained. Only God can do that. He knows what I am going through, though I ask Him if He sees sometimes.
All have to do is continue to survive. Climbing mount Everest for some people is undoubtedly easier than waking up and forcing the thoughts of self initiating an absence from life is for me personally.
It seems like in order to be satisfied, and "Comfortable" with the outcome of continuing to live, someone has to be blamed, it has to be someones fault. My father? Whoever did whatever when I was younger? Me? Drug dealers, gang members? Pride keeps me from blaming myself.
I am learning not to live in the spirit of things, in the perceived spirit of people, and things. This is the essence of manipulation: Assuming people are thinking a certain way, and trying to manipulate the outcome. It is a lonely realization that ultimately people cannot help you, cannot sustain you. You are all lone. You are going to live alone, and die alone. Nothing anyone does to help you ultimately matters. Only what you do for God means anything at all. Everything is futility, "Vanity" as it were. Discovering your entire life is a lie is acceptable only when you are struggling with so many other things that it's sadly just another drop in large bucket of lifelong problems.
"I will never give you more than you can endure" is true. But I have been pushed right up to that line, and then farther, just to show me, oh yes, you can take much more than that. When God is done with me (I saw a ray of light for my situation today. I can honestly say I haven't seen one in 4 long years. One that real and strong, anyway.) I am going to be thoroughly rid of my "Chaff". But you have to remember God never said He'd use gentle mechanical separation, no this process is to be done entirely in fire. Better in the agony of life where there is hope yet than in the agony of death, where all hope is lost.
The ironic thing, is that after what happened to me at the exotic animal sanctuary, this burden of honest introspection is actually, at times, a relief. Better than feeling demons grabbing you, raping your thoughts. I have to wonder, is that what an unbeliever experiences when they die? It happened so fast. Being ripped apart by things you cannot see, overcome with fear that a human being was never meant to endure? A fear so tangible it was like wading through water sometimes? I am thankful I am not in the actual Hell. But that doesn't lessen the pain of what I have endured the past few years.
I wanted to post something informative and enlightening and hopeful, but this is what I have.
All I ask is that you pray for me when I am on your hearts. Prayer works!
Last edited on Mon Aug 17th, 2009 12:21 am by doleorequiem
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Mon Aug 17th, 2009 12:41 am |
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Allow me to add one thing:
I have been living my life on my own, including fighting Satan, on my own. This has created a tremendous burden on me that is evident in my writing. I am beginning to wake up and understand that I simply cannot do this on my own anymore.
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Aug 17th, 2009 01:03 am |
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Hi Dave,
This thread from quite a while back came to mind as I read your posts. I pray that you may continue to be aware of our potter's/refiner's closeness during this ongoing, challenging process.
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/view_topic.php?id=975&forum_id=21&highlight=kiln
TruthSeeker
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