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doleorequiem
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Posted: Mon Aug 17th, 2009 03:16 am |
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truthseeker wrote: Hi Dave,
This thread from quite a while back came to mind as I read your posts. I pray that you may continue to be aware of our potter's/refiner's closeness during this ongoing, challenging process.
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/view_topic.php?id=975&forum_id=21&highlight=kiln
TruthSeeker
THAT IS FANTASTIC!
Thank you!
____________________
Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Wed Aug 26th, 2009 05:12 am |
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So, I have been traveling the road of wondering if God has abandoned me. I was so afraid He did, but eventually I stopped worrying. If He did, what can I do about it, I thought.
I told a friend at church my struggles, mainly about not ever being intimate with a woman, only men. I told him about the exotic animal sanctuary incident, too. He shared some things about himself, too. But he was sort of taken aback by the comment that a 30 year old man can go that long never having been with a woman, and not only that, only men. I saw him in the library and he was acting nervous. I don't expect people to be accepting, supportive, and loving. I'd like to think that I could go my life battling it by myself but I felt led to share it with him.
Today he called me with some struggles of his, and mentioned the library incident. He said he thought I took what he told me and was judging him by it (HA!!!!). I told him I thought he was judging me by what I told him.
I received a big dose of strengthening today.
I have to tell you guys this: I have been battling with a vacuum of positive emotions and simultaneously facing a question of faith.
For example, I feel completely abandoned by God, yet, the verse "I will never leave you or forsake you" pops into my mind. While I am essentially completely emotionally terrified, alone, insecure, etc. I am forced to believe it on faith without any emotional backup. Because, I have said before, my previous relationship with God was based on emotion and no real belief.
I fear this is becoming more common.
I saw a vision a few days ago of a Bible so watered down that it was universal, Jesus is a teacher and nothing more. Even more disheartening was the thought that it was mainstream, and true believers were in the minority, shunned for their closed minded beliefs.
These are some times we are living in.
I was with a friend of mine who is a former Marine sniper. He has massive emotional trauma, that goes well beyond what I can type. He was telling me that he has recently discovered that "You sometimes just have to suffer through it". I can type it now, but it is difficult to accept when you are presented with suffering the magnitude of which can seem life and death at the moment.
Something I want to share: The reason that homosexuality is so difficult to overcome, is simple, but it's complex.
The day to day mind of a man who is so emotionally scarred that they require sexual attention from another man is so radically different than the mind of the heterosexual male. How so??
Well, there's no arguing over the fact that homosexual men have baggage and issues. Due to the survival mechanism of the human mind, men who have same sex attractions simply work "around" the difficulties of a horrific childhood, an abusive father, an abusive mother, abusive friends, abusive whatever. You cannot act like you feel inside. You obtain happiness from things that normal people would not look twice at.
So, when you are confronted with temptation, in your altered state of mind, you are forced to make a decision.
Leave all the comfort of your mind, deny everything that gives you the least bit of happiness, or surrender to these desires that are stronger than the desire to survive itself. Oh, and the decision must be made NOW. Don't turn to reason, you will be shoved back into the decision. If I didn't know better it'd be easy for me to say "I was born this way". That's how Satan works. You are forced into a checkmate. You have to deny your very self, everything that is good in your mind. It's horrible, confusing, and an awful thing to deal with.
This, I believe, is why I have been forced to deal with my faith in a non-emotional basis.
Because, during those times of temptation, the thought of a sinful indulgence can, if you allow it, to completely override every survival mechanism, and rational thought you have in your mind at the time. You want it like someone who is five minutes away from death of thirst in the desert, wants a glass of cool water.
I have been crying out to God to take my life from me more and more. There is a feeling of relief when I do. But, recently, especially today after being strengthened, I feel better. I feel that I dare not type anything during some of those dark times.
I was visiting a rehabilitation center for the drug addicted today, and was talking to a 19 year old kid. He has tattoos all over his neck, his arms, hands and fingers. He's a good guy, but he has been through so much. He made the decision to leave the center. I could see the pride in his life "I just don't feel welcome here". I told him it stems from pride, but he just kept talking. I told him sometimes we have to suffer. He had none of it and left.
There are very dark places in my mind, that I am shamed over. Like my anger towards God. Anger is a light word. But, I am starting to realize that God does not WANT ME to run away from it. But instead, run to it. Because, if I ignore it, it will remain, but if I run headlong into it, I am forced to confront it, and the logic behind it, and the emotions that are attached to it.
There is fear in confrontation of these dark things. Because, God did not give us a spirit of Fear. So, why am I afraid? Because Satan sure as hell will. And Satan wants you to remain in your fear, remain in bondage to those dark places. Satan wants you to be afraid of ever confronting your past.
I am realizing more and more that all Satan has is FEAR. When you are rushing into those dark places, you are forced many visions of physical destruction, mental anguish, suffering, more pain, shame, separation from God. But when you arrive in the heart of those places, you find there is none of that. In fact, there is healing. It's like Satan puts up an imaginary impenetrable wall. It looks like an armed fortress from a distance, evil and for boding.
But, when you run to storm it, against all odds, against all fears, you find that it's really a gossamer tissue, painted to look mean, but is easily run through.
The very act of storming those strongholds is a form of faith in God. If you were to try it with your own strength you never would even turn to face it. By saying screw you, I am going there and going against every emotional boundary, you are putting faith in God that none of those things will happen, and that if they do, you trust Him to deliver you.
I am talking like a robot, like a machine, but I can assure you that I am no machine. I have wanted to be one, cold and unfeeling since I was a child, though. I see where that desire has lead to today. So many childish decisions that have been made that have carried themselves nto adulthood and have become things I have to overcome with difficulty today. What does the Bible say about teaching a child the way to live and he will not depart from it?
I would like to be free of every evil thing and be perfect tomorrow, to live life in a world where there is no pain or fear, but that is not going to happen. So, when do I expect my redemption? As I have been: in time, in steps, as I trust God in the NOW and not in the future. As I realize that those Bible verses I know are not things to inspire emotion, but words that I can trust my life and soul on.
It is so tempting to take comfort in the bleakness of life. To give up. To say "This is how evil life is, and I am OK with that." To take comfort in the belief that life will never get better. But I have tried that, and life indeed gets much worse when you give up. No aspirations, no hopes, no dreams, all drowned in a sea of alcohol or drugs, or the pleasant misery of crippling depression.
____________________
Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Aug 26th, 2009 11:36 am |
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Hi Dave,
I'm glad you stopped by--you'd been on my mind.
You are right, that Jesus never leaves us--it is just the lies of the enemy.
In case you hadn't checked, the messages on 1 Peter are being posted now.
God bless,
TruthSeeker
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Sat Sep 19th, 2009 11:57 pm |
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Well, I have been befriended by a man who runs a local rehab center. He asked me last night to go with him and the people there to a mens function at a church. I went there, and man, what a blessing that was. I was energized, I had hope on a level I hadn't been able to feel (however brief) for a long time by listening to the people preach. It was wonderful.
Then today I look up porn and well you know.
The aftermath is always the same: I have to feel bad. And I do. I feel terrible. All the lusty thoughts that I heeded are now gone. The worse I feel, the more I feel God has forgiven me.
A most wonderful thing occurred to me today: What if Jesus actually forgave me, and wants me to move on? What if He doesn't want me to bury myself alive in guilt? What if there is actually hope for a future for me?
Some things I would like to tell you guys that I have realized over the last few weeks.
1. I am all alone. You may say "No you aren't! You have friends" While that is technically true, the closest relationship a man can be in is with a loving wife. It is something I long for sometimes like someone in the desert longs for water. Someone to love me, and care for me. Someone who understands. Someone to share my life with.
2. All I have is me. Nobody is going to help me but me. Nobody can reach into my mind and make things easier for me. As foolish as this sounds written out, it is something I am having to overcome, with such a warped mind. Nobody is going to become an angel and walk me into the light when I die. All I have is me.
3. I am responsible for myself, and myself alone. I do not have to worry myself sick over my friends' problems, nor should I expect them to do the same for me. This has been the single most wonderful realization that I have come across thus far in my life.
4. I only have so much time to live. Nothing lasts forever. My tormented life in this planet will end one day. I do not have to endure for eternity. (Where did this belief come from? How did it get rooted in my soul??) One day, I am going to die. I have tried to be perfect. I have tried to blame others, to tell myself I am too weak to resist. Deep down, I feel "Dammit, this is not my fault! Look what happened to me when I was young!". When I die, I will be embraced by a loving God, but is He going to want me to believe that then? Or, does He want me to get rid of that thinking NOW, and live a BETTER life for it?
5. Trying to overcome under my own power isn't working. I need Gods help. This is complicated by a sometimes demonic disdain for Him for giving me life. I realize now that it is not ME that is angry with God, but a set of emotions that has been tailored around a disgusting pride that is activated whenever life gets difficult. It is also something I am having to overcome. In the end, it is me who overcomes, it is me who suffers through it. You may care for me, but you cannot help me. All you can do is pray.
6. I have become a weak human being, less than a man. It is shameful for me to explore the dark cavities of my soul. To realize that other people who do not suffer as I do can make quick decisions that may affect them negatively, but others positively, whereas I struggle with it selfishly for days and usually choose the easy way out.
7. I have been going about God wrong. He is not my buddy here to make my every life experience nice. His goal is ultimately good, but getting there from my horrid self as I stand now has been bloody, painful, and something I do not want to endure anymore. However, I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I have to learn. Only I can resist temptation. There is no easy way out.
8. The animal I bonded with at the sanctuary is merely that: An animal. He is incapable of truly caring for me on the level that I care for him. He is incapable of listening to my problems and helping me find solutions for them. He is incapable of making me a sandwich. Much of my longing for his company stems from an unhealthy world I built up around him, where he is the center. I am afraid to give him over to God, because I am afraid that God will not return to me any love for him at all. I do care for him.
9. Life is not always pain, but pain, difficulty, hardship will always be part of life. That's just the way it is. Trying to worm out of mental discomfort through mental 'witchcraft', drugs etc is weakness. I have asked God to help me stop practicing witchcraft in my mind.
10. It is almost impossible for me to read the Bible because I am so afraid over every verse that has to do with punishment and condemnation. I feel it always applies to me. The blanket of fear that is thrown on me is difficult to get out from under. I realize that when I read the Bible I do not believe it was written by a loving God. This reinforces my mistaken belief that I have to be perfect, that I have to live up to a standard, and not doing so will result in my damnation. Does this mean I can go out and do what I want? No. But God isn't waiting for me to screw up with a hammer. Maybe, just maybe He wants me to overcome, and not wallow in condemnation.
11. I struggle with homosexuality, bestiality, furry.. ness? Not because I am incapable of overcoming, but because deep down, I DO NOT WANT TO OVERCOME. It feels GOOD to entertain these things. I struggle with the symptoms, but the disease is pleasurable for now. This is the root of homosexuality. One does not want to overcome it, so one seeks the easier path: "I was born this way". It's amazing what people can tell themselves and believe deep down. No, you just don't want to admit that you can overcome it. Because it secretly entraps so much of your thought life, you literally think it's homosexuality or nothing. Homosexuality or misery. When, all the while, homosexuality is making you the most miserable human being alive. I honestly believe it is one of Satans most disgusting, hideous, pleasant and difficult to escape traps.
I constantly have to fight with the thought that I have gone over the edge, that I have screwed up and cannot go back. That when I die Jesus will say "Dave, sorry, you know that one time you did such and such I just couldn't forgive you for it". It is terrifying to stop believing what you know is untrue and face reality.
The last thing I want to happen is to be happily married and end up being tormented with homosexuality. It even scares me to type it, BUT that fear of confronting it in such a way as to destroy it is a tool of Satan. I have asked God to root out homosexuality from me. However, I have been shown it is oh so much more complicated than a "splinter removal" due to its very nature. It integrates into nearly every aspect of your life. It's hard to realize that, because you are not thinking about it specifically when your mind is making routes that Satan will use later to torment you with it. That's the best way I can explain it.
Like, when the demon(s) responsible for it see you are weak, the rush to you and delve into certain parts of your soul, or mind, or even body, and suddenly you are in a fight for your life and there's no way out.
If I had a button I could press and instantly leave this life and go to Heaven I would have pressed it while I was a kid. There probably isn;t a time when I wouldn't be pressing it. Right now, at times of introspection, life is scarcely worth living.
When I entertain thoughts of a final exit, if I am quiet enough, God will perk something up in my soul, something bright and wonderful. It's my life when I overcome. It's my life if I will trust Him. It's my life that is worth living. In moments of such desperation I have asked God if it is there to torment me, or if it is going to happen at all. I can get really down when I let my mind run unfettered. How much of my mind I have left open to attack when I get down is scary. I have been so vulnerable all of my life, seeing it in light now is almost unbelievable. I have to know God hasn't abandoned me.
I have to resist defaulting to such low, low places of dark comfort. I have to hold myself up and realize that the longer I dwell there the worse off I am.
____________________
Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Sep 20th, 2009 01:28 am |
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Hi Dave,
It's good to see you stopping by, and a joy to see how much growth has taken place in the last few weeks.
No, there are many things no one can do FOR you, but it is a privilege to ENCOURAGE you as you and God work on them together.
As far as I understand from Scripture, the only thing that God cannot forgive is the choice to reject His Son's gift of salvation. Once we have accepted that gift, Romans 8:1 assures us that "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."
You might find this message encouraging.
Jonathan Ervin
And of course I will continue to pray.
TruthSeeker
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Tue Oct 13th, 2009 02:57 am |
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Hello,
I installed an internet filter. It helps, a little. But due to the nature of furry 'art' there are some furry websites not covered by the filter. I emailed the filter company about it but they haven't done anything.
I have no excuses, I looked up some furry flash animations. While I was waiting for them to load, I closed them one by one. It was difficult to do. I feel so alone. I haven't been getting sleep because of my sinuses. I have almost had 3 weeks of awful, sporadic sleep.
One thing I have understood is that furry porn is highly addicting for someone who is weak. Because, furries do not exist. The very idea of it is laughable, so it lets you go to an area of your mind where it is pure fantasy. Part of you says "it's not hurting anyone or anything" and lets your imagination run. But... I have found that in all the terrible things I have indulged in-when I escape them, or think I have escaped them, it's furry porn that I go to.
What is the draw for such things?
Honestly, so many people have.. "Experimented" sexually with their pets when they were younger.
So, this porn, bridges what is socially very unacceptable with a more "human" aspect to it, but still so far fetched you are free to use your imagination, which allows you to fully involve yourself.
Somewhere during my sordid childhood I decided that I was responsible for everyone in my life. That, I was responsible for their sins, for their actions, to keep them happy, etc. This sick realization has been a burden on me for so long it became part of who I am.
God has shown me that this is not the case. I am only responsible for myself. During the brief but intense flashes of this realization, pornography really seems like a small mountain to merely step over. But the roots of the fantasy addiction go deep.
However, when I am strong enough, yes, strong enough, I will overcome.
Homosexuality is a weakness, a weakness that stems from never having fathomed what it means to actually be a man. Honestly, when I submit to another man I forfeit everything that has to do with what God made me to be. I literally am tempted with desires-but never truths. I know full well about the involved homosexuality, how promiscuity is a way of life. Monogamy is as rare as, well, unicorns.
I have talked to homosexuals, even homosexuals who claim to have searched the Bible and "found" that God really doesn't have anything against homosexuality. But I know better. It would be so easy to slip into the lifestyle, selling my body for another temptation-never satisfaction.
Yet... I still struggle!
I get so down on myself. I used to think that by literally believing if I indulged in homosexuality I would go to hell, that that would keep me from doing it. But it only allows me to say to myself "Well, I did it now. I might as well plunge full in". I know that I know that I know that God has a wife for me, a wife who is perfect. I have women at church who come after me, but I know in my heart-none of them is "her". I think that if God would just put her in my life then I would have something to combat the homosexuality with.
But the problem is that that is not true. These roots of perversion and wicked desires often are thought rooted out but they are not.
That's why you see Christians who say "I suppressed my homosexuality for 20 something years". Nothing terrifies me more than that.
I know God is faithful. I know that the thought of being with a woman is more wonderful than I could ever imagine. I can't judge anyone, but I can say when I see my friends sleeping with multiple women they are missing the point. They are cheating themselves out of a lifetime of fulfillment Gods way. I can't wait for what they are taking advantage of.
I also know that because of the alternate reality I have nurtured since childhood, that I have more to overcome-and overcoming is more terrible than anyone can imagine. You have to go against what has ever brought you what you feel is... your only source of hope, joy, etc.
I am not looking forward to the battles I have been going through. I hope I have the strength, and the ability to trust God when the temptations come. It is frightening for me, because I am not trusting myself anymore, but a god who has seemingly abandoned me and left me time after time, even though that is not true.
Somewhere I fostered an image of a god who is cruel and terrible, and waits to cut me down. This is why I lash out sometimes at God. I got stranded the other day with my little truck out in the desert while offroading (I was trying to do something for myself. I have been helping people with their vehicles for virtually free, and I wanted to have fun).
I damaged my radiator very badly and had to walk home. I fixed the radiator, but getting out was such a difficult time, I had to drive a few miles on a shredded tire. I was so close to screaming at God. I just wanted to have fun, but no. It does me no good. It doesn't benefit me at all to hate God. God loves me, He held me in His hands. It is why I lash out and say why give me that then put me back here in this place?
It's an awful thing to realize that to get my soul strengthened and ready for service for God, it takes a lot to wake someone up who lives in their own little world. To overcome homosexuality I need to be strong in the Lord, I need to be responsible for my own actions. Nothing that comes easy. This is what stops so many people from overcoming their homosexual temptation. They don't have the strength or foresight to realize that they need the strength to overcome, and that strength comes from allowing God to show you what you need to know to overcome. I have been shown so much.
Yet, I am still tempted. I tell God "Help me, it is all I have ever known".
The Bible isn't kidding when it talks about crucifying your flesh. Who wants to crucify what brings you pleasure?
What's more difficult then realizing that you might not be "cured", but you may have to battle for the rest of your life. I find the greatest falls I have had were when I felt I was "cured". I resisted the devil and the devil fled, and yay I was never to hear from the devil again. Except...
So now I am wondering... What do I *actually* have to do, Lord? Trust You? So I am. I am trying, anyway. I realize that I have entertained so much fantasy that I don't even know which way is really up. I see flashes of what is reality and it is heartening. But I have so much overcoming to do. SO much hate, so much lust, anger, resentment, misogyny and misanthropy. Violence and pain. I strove to be the most evil, bitter, *** ever and now I have to deal with violent visions and demons I used to welcome.
I know that if I was beyond hope that I really do not believe that God would be bothering to work on me, to show me so much about myself, to give me hope, however fleeting I let it be.
it says int he Bible that God knew us before we were even born. "The Lord called me before my birth. From within the womb he called me by my name...He said to me, `You are my servant'..." (Isaiah 49:1,3 TLB); "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139:13). So, God knew all about me. I am not "One sin away from damnation" like I tried to convince myself just to be good, while my true nature festered and became carcinogenic behind my fantasy world. It was never dealt with.
So now, in trauma, I am forced to deal with myself, to be still and let God help me. Still I struggle. Still so much is revealed. I wish there was a magic cure, but there isn't. So many roots need to be torn out.
I need so much help but God is there for me, even when I don't want Him to be.
____________________
Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Sat Oct 31st, 2009 04:18 am |
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I was talking to someone a while back who goes to my church who is interested in editing digital pictures. I told her I had taken the exotic animals I once was around, and took the pictures and put them into different, more natural backgrounds.
But, the pictures are on another hard drive, somewhere. I found two hard drives. I interfaced them to my laptop, and copied the pictures to this laptop. I felt God saying "Don't do it, not today". As always, He was right. I searched both HDDs for videos and pictures, like i had done before, that were pornographic. When I found I had deleted them all I used an undelete program, trying to fool myself, that I will just make SURE they are deleted.
Well, it didn't work out that way. I fought, but not as much as I could have.
I think God is trying to heal an old misconception I have had all of my life, and that is that His love is conditional.
Maybe I thought one day "If I convince myself I will go straight to hell I will scare myself into not sinning". I know I have said this before, but it is important. It worked for a while. Striving to be perfect. Striving, suffering, and doing it alone.
I remember when I first came here, I was so down on myself. Everyone who knows me well tells me to stop beating myself up. But, if I don't beat myself up, what incentive will I have not to sin again? How can I possibly NOT do what I enjoy doing? Under my own power? Why would God help me? I am a rotten human being, God is only interested in perfect people who do not sin. Right?
I have fought and lost and fought and lost. The terrible part is that I COULD have fought harder. But I didn't. I went for the easy pleasure instead of the long term payoff.
God has been with me, and showing me, on blessed occasions, the dark places of my mind.
I got into some porn a few weeks ago, two days after I wrote the last post. But, it didn't really have the effect it did, then.
It was like God stopped me and said "Remember us both being here? Remember how I loosened the bond this had on you?" I know it is the prayer of every homosexual, at one point in their lives, to ask God to take away their temptations. But, that's not going to happen, not for most people. It's liek detaching the metastasis of a cancer, but leaving the cancer. Eventually, that cancer will fester behind the scenes.
So... When God takes me to a dark place in my mind, I feel ashamed. "But God, look at what is behind this door, you don't want to come in here. I will take care of it." Except, while it is uncomfortable, it is definately necessary-because then you are bringing God into it. And God can do things better than you can. I know it's easy to type but so many are trying to do it on their own.
I can only imagine, someone reading this who doesn't know anything about homosexuality. I can see them looking and wondering why the hell I am so stupid, I mean come on, every Christian knows these things. Every Christian understands these things when they accept the Lord into their heart. What's wrong with me?
It's sort of how I feel. I thank God that we are not all the same, and that we do not have to strive to fill the same human shaped mold.
"Come on God, I don't honestly believe that!"
"But you do."
And shamefully, I am forced to look inside and find that" Indeed I do believe it. I can mask it and cover it with emotion, but the foolishness is still there. No doubt a product of such a scarred childhood.
I have struggled recently, trying not to, of thinking about the "Easy Button" of Staples advertising. Except, not an easy button, but a "delete" button for myself. To wonder-would it be better for me to have never existed. Ask anyone who knew me about me and they would say.. "Who?" I cannot entertain such futile and worthless thoughts. It is a way of escaping and not facing the difficulties and darkness that must be dealt with one step at a time with Gods help.
Today I found myself asking God "What is wrong with me?". I know I am not this person. I don't want to be this person. WHY does homosexuality have such a hook in me?
I feel the answer (And I will NEVER be deceived and believe the lie that I was born a homosexual, without remedy!) lies within my masked, clouded, and nonexistant childhood.
I remember one day seeing my fathers 'self' exposed, accidentally. I remember seeing 'it' and thinking "I have seen that before, but I can;t remember where". I don't remember if what I saw was from another man, or what. I honestly do not remember. I was so young then, it is impossible for me to say, but maybe even before 3rd grade.
It would be easy for me to enter into the temptation of "I am a helpless person and I cannot fight what is ingrained in me". I just can't. God has a higher calling for me.
Sometimes I wonder how it must be to be someone who has a 9-5 job, a wife, kids, and never a homosexual temptation. How can they possibly relate to me?
How I would love to have their problems. How I would love to suffer their pain.
And... Still I am angry with God.
A friend asked me once why he had to endure so much more than other people. Why other Christians seemed to get away with more than he. I told him it is because his calling is higher than theirs. It is hard not to wish myself a different person, with 'normal' problems. OH NO!!! I AM LATE ON A CREDIT CARD PAYMENT!!
Gosh, the wife just reamed me out for forgetting our anniversary.
Golly.
I have to take the dog to the vet, goodness, I will miss my football game.
Trust me, I WOULD LOVE TO MISS THE FOOTBALL GAME.
But, I never would wish my life on somebody else. I have fantasized about doing terrible things, and made friends with people who have, but I would never, ever wish my life on someone else. I don't care how much I hate them.
I am sorry, to God, that I am so weak. I beat myself up yes. I can be enthralled in pity, misery, and depression for weeks after I do something wrong. What exactly is it about me, I wonder, that God likes so much He decided to put such a burden on me? I am not helpless. I am capable of overcoming every temptation.
The specter of losing my life is unfathomably comfortable to me.
These are H rated tires (Rated to 130 MPH) We'll just SEE about that.
I wonder if I can squeeze between those trucks at 55 MPH.
I wonder if I can go faster than 75 MPH on this dirt road? (The fastest I got last time)
I will pass this semi truck just for fun-or because I don't care about anything right now.
But, sometimes I am forced to confront the reality of that proposition. I am so worried about this country. I can see myself losing my life over what I believe (Like the Bible says). I wonder, if I were executed, or assassinated, or whatever-what would happen, given my current situation?
But... I am not about to die in such a manner. When I am, God will be there. I have a vision I would like to share with you at a later time, because I have written so much. This vision as so real I could actually see, hear, and feel.
The truth is I have the faith to believe that when I am ready to die, or about to die, that God will be there. Satan won't be able to snatch me before God has a chance to see what is going on. As if God had a cosmic burrito in his microwave and was waiting for it to get done while I was dying. "Oops! Darn it, I hate it when that happens!" He says. Satan won't be able to say "Hey wait a minute, he never confessed for that bad thought he had when he was 13!!". Not if there is a God, and because I met Him, and was held by Him, that is undeniable.
I have to ask God to forgive me. I have to ask Jesus to forgive me. I cannot take the weight of my sin anymore. I cannot justify my sin, either-like I used to. It was my coping mechanism. "Oh, but anyone would have done that." "You see, my life is more difficult than most". "Oh, well, someone else would have done something much worse".
I have been praying to God to help me to take responsibility for my actions. I don't want to. But I have to. I will be stuck in this same mind unless I do.
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry, I have so much more I want to say.
I know God will be there for me. He showed me His love when I died when I was 14. It's not a love that can be cheapened with words. It's not a love that can even be fathomed while alive. He isn't about to give up on me. I am so sorry, yet I am so angry.
Thank you Jesus for not giving up on me, even after I have given up on myself time and time again.
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 06:26 pm |
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So my dad is driving me and my brother and his girlfriend from my brothers wedding. My dad begins to talk about my mother. I tell him in the simplest and easiest way I can come up with, why he is going about it the wrong way, and that only God can "Make her wake up", even though I feel that my father is wrong about, and guilty of, every negative thing he says about my mom. I try to tell him that when he talks down to people, and repeats the same simple, basic thing over and over that it makes people angry. But, circular logic prevails and it escalates into a screaming and yelling and threatening match.
I break down and apologize for yelling and getting upset, and shake my fathers hand.
I learned a lot about him that night. He either doesn't remember the things that I DO remember, or doesn't acknowledge them as having any negative effect on my life or the lives of my brothers whatsoever. Curious, but what can I do about it? I told him he has to stop yelling at my mother (Whom he wants to get back together with) and to stop what he is doing, and give it to God, in prayer. Angrily, he summarized what I said into "You want me to say a little prayer and stop talking to your mom (Read: criticizing, yelling, demeaning) and everything will be OK?:. I said "Yes". I am so torn, because I know my father. I know the times when I was so angry at him. I don't know what they should do. I know that God views marriage in such a light as technically, legally, I do not believe there should have been a divorce, unless there is something I don't know about.
Yesterday one of the kids (He's 18, a kid to me I guess) from the animal sanctuary saw me at the gas station. He had a 4x4 truck he had bought, and wanted to go offroading. Well, OK, I said, so we went. Before we went for a drive, I had to put some food in my backpack in a freezer, and while I was alone, I got on my knees and prayed that God would protect me from the spiritual forces at work. I didn't want to tell the kid "no, sorry, stay away from me". I have trouble telling people "no" for fear of offending them. It's all weakness, and don't think I don't lament my weakness, because I hate myself for it. Frequently. If only I could be superchristian, if only I was the strongest person, I could just be... perfect. And then I wouldn;t have a worry in the world.
Anyway, we drove around, and he showed me the house he is living in. I'm glad he doesn't live at the sanctuary anymore, that place is not a place for a kid. He's making like $30/hr as a general contractor, and I guess is doing very well. Good for him.
Later that night before Bible study, I feel I was tormented spiritually over the forces I felt when I was around him. There is such darkness over there, and I understand that I may not be ready in my walk with God to confront it yet, which is why God has protected me from the owner all these years. This is a small town and everyone runs into everyone else all the time.
A mutual friend of the owner of the sanctuary tells me to run in there and just save everyone. It's not that simple, I tell him. Especially when I suffer temptation. There will be a time when I am ready, but that time is only known by God There have been times when I "felt" as if I was ready, ready to see the animal I bonded with and care so much for, but knew I couldn't. One time I got so upset I shut the door to my truck so hard the window shattered. But it is up to God.
Today I viewed a risque video on youtube and I felt that it did open up a spiritual door to more torment. I still am tempted to view pornography. I also feel that how I "feel" about homosexuality has ZERO bearing on how I am actually affected. In other words, when I "feel" I am over it, when I "feel" there will be no more temptations, then there's probably more torment on the way.
I was drawn to staring at my gun today. Not to hold it to my head or anything, but sort of a mental "end to the suffering on earth". I resisted at first, but I ultimately picked it up and field stripped it. Heh.
God has warned me about associations. Like, if I am drawn to curiously stare at my weapons, in a state of woe, that it only reinforces negative associations and connotations that can and will be brought back up when I look at the weapons in a better mood. In essence, it is what the devil wants: Me to be conditioned, when I am feeling in the depths of despair and pain, to think of my guns, to think of a way out. Maybe 25 years from now I will hold one to my head and put a little too much pressure on the trigger because of it. This is serious business, and God is trying to help me with it.
What do I do when I feel this way, though? I wish I had an answer. There's no easy answer. I just have to suffer through it. I have to shrug off the notions of smoking a cigarette, of drinking alcohol, of getting high, of masturbating, of viewing pornography, or, the most expedient allowing myself to be carried to the very depths of darkness and accept a miserable fate. All born of weakness, the inability to cope with life. I feel that these were born from me pursuing a more pleasant reality when I was so young. I conditioned myself to take the easy, less terrible way out of any given difficult situation. Of course, this kept me from dealing with the reality and terrible nature of life itself. Most people realize this and just keep going, even smiling. People like me have a much more difficult time.
It is born of weakness. I know God is helping me with it. Without God I would be dead. And, in hell, the real hell, not this miserable facade of that dark place.
I still struggle with my anger towards God. Yes, as hard as that may be for some to understand, I resent my situation, I resent the burden of life, and I resent my own weak nature. There's nothing redeeming about my life, nothing really worth the effort to get up in the morning. At least, that is how I feel. I have to purposely and willfully resist this reality, using only what I know God wants me to believe, to resist it. I can't say "Well, I have to get up and provide for my wife and kids". It's a constant downward spiral I purposely have to come against, painfully, frequently. There is so much counterfeit and ensnaring "rest" in such darkness. You can shrug off every care and worry, but there's always such a price to pay later, when the fight comes to your front door.
There is a contrast within me, something that screams out "Life should be good! Everything should be fine!". It is constantly warring with reality, and constantly causing much misery and lament. But it is so deep I feel I am powerless to rebuke it. Not that I want to be comfortable with woe and pain, but that an unrealistic expectation is causing me so much pain. God is also helping me with this. Not all things can be ripped out of my psyche, and fixed with a quick bandaid. I have to suffer through it. I have to endure. I can't help but feel I am displaying a picture of sickening weakness, but the truth is that many suffer similarly. To those who may despise me for these words, I have only to say that I envy your strength. What you can endure and go on it takes me months and years to overcome. The pain I feel being tortured with my own inadequacy would crush you.
I have asked God today "Is there no rest?". It is difficult to remember that rest can only come when I am so complete. Godly rest as I understand it, is a form of justification. I mean, that someone with a murderous temper is given Godly rest, well, that person retains that temper even while resting. In all of my addictions and attractions I feel that I do not have rest because it would allow me, if only for a moment, to be comfortable in them, which is not what God wants. I may be wrong, but I am confused enough already.
Still, I have such difficulty reading the Bible. I see so many standards that are impossible to live up to, yet, when I struggle within myself and reason, I realize that these things are designed to be mutually overcome by the Christian and the Holy Spirit. I see so much to be condemned for. I struggle with idle banter, foolish words and sarcasm.
I know that what God wants of me is at the utmost of my abilities to provide and endure. It is, and is going to be, difficult to endure and overcome. God doesn't want these dark things to continue to live in me, and neither do I. But the surgery and treatment are both equally terrible, to my mind that feels as if life should be easy and enjoyable. Granted, my life is not always gloom and pain. But, when I feel the gloom of reality and the pain of growth, it is as if to say "Why continue to bother living if I can be dragged down here to these depths seemingly whenever Satan feels like tormenting me?" or even worse yet "Why continue to bother living if I can be dragged down here to these depths seemingly whenever God allows Satan to torment me?".
Maybe some of you are yelling "Grow up!", "Stop feeling sorry for yourself!". That's the issue, I feel I have carried with me so much of my childhood realities that they are a plague to me now in my adult life, and a constant hinder and burden. I do feel sorry for myself, it's easy to do and gets my mind off of the reality of living. It seems only when I am cornered, so sick and tired of living this way, that I find the courage and rage to fight back, to force myself to run headlong into the fear of confronting the realities of life. The happiness depleting, crushing blows of reality. When you build your foundation of happiness on a lie, when you are forced to tear it down, that happiness does not remain. I am forced to allow God to have it and re-assign it, so to speak, to something real and true.
Jesus, please help me.
I have to edit this post to say this: The reason I am suffering like I am is because I am alive, and I am a work in progress, being worked on by God himself while I dwell in a cold world. As I was posting this, I saw myself, a vision or picture of my mind, and the cloudiness, confusion, and weakness of my mind, was like a blanket, being lifted off of my true self. The man God designed me to be. Wow, it's great! I know some of you are praying for me because I am comforted greatly right now, and I am grateful to you all for your prayers. Thank you, God, for this wonderful work in me.
Last edited on Fri Nov 20th, 2009 04:08 am by doleorequiem
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Thu Nov 26th, 2009 03:46 pm |
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Last night at Bible study people who were thankful of what God did for them stood up and gave a testimonial. I also stood up and gave one, I'm not sure if I scared people, or what, but I really said a lot. I didn't mention the sexual sins, but I felt I may have alluded to it. A friend I had confided in said he was very proud of me for what I said. I felt it was good to say it anyway. I don't like to hide things from people, but there is a line, I feel.
Well today is thanksgiving, and I talk about my problems and issues, so today I want to talk about the good things. I mentioned the childish way of thinking was sort of a "blanket" over the mind that God wants me to have. Well, I am seeing corners of this deceptive blanket being lifted up to see a peek at the man God is helping me to be. It's like, the way that I have been comfortable in all of my life, is peeled away and I can see that it is a bunch of unnecessary emotional turmoil and baggage.
I may have been too weak and unwise when I was a child to healthfully endure what happened to me, but after all that God is so kindly showing me, and doing for me, I am starting to see that I don't have to be this way, and as a matter of fact, I can NOT be this way. I take comfort in the fact that when God sets out to do something, that one way or another, it will get done. In all of my weak moments, when I feel I am against a wall with no where to turn, that there is no room for anything, God is there, to help me.
Yesterday I was with some friends and I felt so free. I don't have to "act" a certain way to cover up the shame of my past.
It's not too often that I get to see what God is doing in my life in such clarity. It is amazing to me how far I have come.
My friend at church told me that he has seen a lot of growth in me the few years he has known me. He said from the wild man in the hills, to who I am now, who helps people, who has always helped people.
So today I am so thankful that I do not have to be the old twisted person. If it wasn't for God's enduring mercy and love for me, a wretched human being, I would have been dead long ago. I see myself and I wonder how God could love me at all. How miserable and awful I was, and still am.
I still have no love for this world, and I don't think that I ever really should.
My sincere prayers have been "God, please don't ever let me be me again", and "God, please make me the man you have always wanted me to be".
And that is what He is doing.
Amen!
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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