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doleorequiem
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Posted: Wed Aug 5th, 2009 04:25 pm |
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Hello,
I am 29, and male.
The past year I have gone without masturbating, and the past 2 years I have gone without looking at pornography.
I don't know where to begin. I am so ashamed, I have so much wrong with me, it seems hopeless.
I guess it all started when I was 14 years old, the idea of bestiality got into my head, and I went through with it. It was the most exhilarating experience I had had. Previous to that I had a miserable time with my peers, and in school. I was shy, nerdy, and seemed to attract torment from bullies, and the females were ruthless to me, singling me out for especially disgusting torment. I realize that some people exaggerate, but please believe me, I am not. It's like I was cursed.
I developed a hatred of females, a strong, deep rooted loathing of them. I have had two girlfriends in my life but neither lasted long. I didn't have sexual relations with either of them or a woman, ever. It seemed to me, in my lonely miserable life that my only friends were animals. I remember laying down with my dog when I was young, holding her, because she was all I had. I didn't have friends, a father, a mother, siblings, or a girlfriend. (I have brothers, a mother, and a father, but I never got close to them)
My father was extremely physically abusive, breaking my arms, ribs, etc, so that I had to hide the pain in school. I couldn't laugh sometimes because I had broken ribs. I couldn't go to the doctor because I would be taken away. There are parts of my childhood that I do not remember, large portions blanked out. I do not know what happened, but I know I was beaten terribly from 3 years old until 14, when I picked up a screwdriver and almost killed my father with it. If he would have taken another step towards me, I would have run him through. But he turned and walked away and never touched me again.
I have a feeling I was also sexually abused by a male, or possibly female (both? who can say) but I honestly don't know.
I became addicted to molesting the family dog, and soon it sprang out to bestiality pornography on the internet, and then chat rooms. I am not sure when, but then I met an older man, who had a lot of money, who also had a dog and had child porn. (I never liked child porn. I would never hurt a child. I remember being hurt so bad as a child I would never do that to a kid. I'd rather DIE than be responsible for making someone else like me)
I ended up being in a homosexual video with another man. From there, I went on to sleep with 2 more men. I struggle a great deal with homosexuality, and bestiality. Sometimes I would find a stray dog and let it have it's way so to speak. I did this many times with animals. I suffered and struggled so much with homosexuality, if I had given in I'd be dead of AIDS by now.
There were times when I was literally sweating and shaking from the temptations.
Finding a man to have sex with on the internet is fast, and easy. There are websites devoted to immediate hooking up. I know it is wrong, and by the grace of God I have not slept with a man in maybe 9 years.
Please bear with me, this is hard for me to write.
I also struggle with an addiction to "furry" pornography, which is essentially animals drawn out with human characteristics. I believe it is a bridge for so many, to have a lust for animals, but also wanting to bridge it to human beings. I found furry pornography when I was young and it has hooked onto me so deeply. I can go for a long time without looking at it, but it seems to be rooted inside of me in a way that I don't understand.
When I was very very young, I do not know what age I was, I remember reading "The Jungle Book" (One of the precious few memories I have of my childhood) and seeing pictures of the motherly wolf. I fell in love with the image and idea of an animal caring for a human. It cried out to me in a way that I cannot explain. I have had a life long love for wolves, that may have started out as something good, but that through the furry art was turned into something else entirely.
With my past of misogyny, homosexuality, and bestiality, God has shown me that subconsciously I have wanted a wolf as a life-mate, a wife. I believed deep down in a childish way that I could have a loving relationship with an animal, just like a married person would have with his wife. I couldn't believe it, but it is the truth. I always would shy away from introspecting, until God showed me.
I believe this false belief is what fuels my furry porn addiction, I want to be loved, even by an animal.
I have to share this, too. I always regarded wolves higher than people, higher than myself. I was obsessed with them. I volunteered at an exotic animal sanctuary on and off for many years. I would be tempted with thoughts, but I would fight them. I never thought I would touch an animal so sacred to me like that. I inappropriately touched one of the animals, but caught myself and ran away from it.
Then, years later, I found myself tormented with thoughts of lust. A voice filled my mind "You will lose your soul forever (And go to hell) if you go into that pen", I was filled with terror. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was like the forces of hell were right there. I went into the pen, but I did not molest the animal. I was overcome with a though of "What the hell are you doing?".
I ran out of there, packed my stuff up and left. However, I have spent the last 4 years of my life recovering from that experience. God had allowed Satan to tear down my Hedge of protection, and do everything to me, but affect my physically. I experienced such demonic torment, I do not know how I am still alive today except by the grace of God. I could literally FEEL the demons crawling on me, and holding on to parts of my body for YEARS. I am nowhere near being over this experience.
Through it, being literally spiritually torn apart, I have found so much darkness inside of me. So much is made clear. As if someone has been gutted, you can see the problems within the organs, so to speak. Still, I struggle.
Several miracles have happened to me during the worst parts of it, things that I can never fully explain, but God still loved me. When I was very young, I died. I remember God holding me and loving me. I was in peace. But I felt myself start to go back, (To living) and I said "I don't want to go back", but God said "You have to". I have struggled with being upset with God over putting me back in this world.
I know my homosexuality is from the love I never received from my father. I looking for a father figure in other men. However, it is much more than that. It is also such torment from Satan, in the form of temptations that are unlike anything someone who has never struggled with can ever understand. It can affect you physically like withdrawing from any drug.
Coupled with furry porn, which brings together homosexuality, animals, and men. I can get it anywhere.
I have been so lonely. I have been longing to be loved, by someone, anyone. Not every animal I care about I have molested.
In church recently, a woman I do not know came up to me and told me God has a wife for me, and that she would be 'perfect'. In my heart for months before that, I had been told the same thing. I had been so worried, what if she was filled with darkness like those girls who tortured me were?
I started to go on Christian dating sites, and I posted my picture. I got a lot of replies, so many that I became overwhelmed, and frightened. If I made a mistake I would regret it for the rest of my life. I struggled with it when God put His Hand on my shoulder and said "I will bring her to you", and the knowledge that if I continued to look online I would choose "poorly".
I recently looked up some furry porn and was overwhelmed with condemnation. It had been so long. It had been so long, before. I thought I was done with it. I was so wrong. I am starting to see, it is more than an addiction to pornography, it is a longing for love.
I have struggled with thoughts of suicide, laying on the floor cradling a loaded rifle and sobbing. I think of suicide sometimes like people think of taking a long desired vacation. I have been thinking a lot recently of hanging myself. I have gone so long without sinning, I have attended church faithfully 3 times a week now for over a year, I am active in my church, I help out with the food ministry to the hungry and homeless, and everyone here loves me.
They know I have problems, but they do not know what. Who will really listen to me and not judge me?
To add to it, I know that God has a calling for me to be in the ministry for homosexuals. I know so much about it, so many Christians are so afraid to say anything, it is really causing so many Christians to stumble, and even support it. I ask God how I can help anyone, when I cannot even help myself. I have been thinking of just hanging myself recently. I have made a habit out of thinking about suicide, but God has warned me not to do that.
I can be honest, the only reason I am still alive today is because I cannot imagine a worse place than this. I cannot imagine a worse hell than living my life. I don't want to find out, I don't want to go there. So I endure, and I endure.
I remember being very young (Less than 10), and wanting to climb up on my mothers stove, and burn myself to death. I didn't want to live even before I knew what "suicide" meant.
I don't want relief, if Satan can take it from me. I don't want to be healed if I will just be injured again.
I also have a lot of pride, so much that it is unreal. I have nothing to be proud of. I have everything to be ashamed of. I ask God to take this goddamned pride away from me. I am so lonely, and I have done such terrible things. I have even entertained a misanthropic view of humanity, and my friends (Who were criminals anyway) would call me "Psycho Dave" because they knew I would hurt them if they ever crossed me, and they were right. Some of my friends would never pick fights with me, because they knew I always had a gun, and I was always filled with hate.
I am so tired. I am so tired of living. God has promised me healing, but it is a long way off. Somehow God is able to give me strength to go on, but many times I will be riding my motorcycle and just think about drifting into a semi truck. I pray to God to take my life away from me, and either end it or give me a new one. I tell God "If you want to end my life today that is fine".
I think about the people who care about me, and how bad the truck driver would feel, and I don't do it. I am never serious, but sometimes the only relief it seems that can come comes from the thought of not having to live anymore.
I could go on and on. I don't know what else to say. Since I looked at the pornography and masturbated, I have really asked God to help me, and He has shown me I am not addicted to pornography, I am addicted to the thought of finding a mate in an animal, or a man. Still, I desire the images of creatures that do not even exist, more than I desire God. I desire to be hurt more than I desire God. I often just really hate God for putting me back here, even though He has been kind to me, and even loved me so much when I died.
I have to say, I am a loner. I have always been. I have always been hurt by people so I stay to myself. It is extremely difficult for me to go see a Christian friend. It is just uncomfortable. People think I don't like them but that is not true.
I know I have an unrealistic view of how things should be. I think I should always be happy, always overcome everything wrong in me, and just be a super-Christian. Obviously, I couldn't be more deceived. I end up being bitter towards God when even the smallest thing happens to me. I blow up and blame God.
I am starting to see that suffering is every part of Christianity as it is for anything else, and more so. I am struggling with the thought of Christian life being constant pain as you are turned into something different than the world can offer, and it being a constant euphoria where your every sin is dismissed and tucked away deep in your psyche as a small "oops".
I will stop here. I have written a lot, I don't want to overwhelm anyone. I apologize. This is hard for me, but it's not as hard as living.
Dave
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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TM2
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Posted: Wed Aug 5th, 2009 04:38 pm |
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Welcome! It's good that you found us.
You've shared a lot and been very courageous. Good job!
You've also said some pretty insightful things about yourself. I particularly related to this one:
I am starting to see, it is more than an addiction to pornography, it is a longing for love.
So where do you go now in dealing with yourself and with the longings you don't know how to meet? Working face-to-face with people who know about addictions and about psychology seems very useful to me, especially in view of the range of childhood issues and stresses you are working with. What help is available where you are?
You're certainly not alone, though. Great work coming and sharing. May you find the peace you seek.
Tim M.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Wed Aug 5th, 2009 04:56 pm |
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I live in a small town in the High Desert of California. There's virtually nothing here. I am close to Victorville and Apple Valley, which are larger places, but still small by big city means. I don't know where to start. Do you really think there is help with support group? I don't want to use a feeble excuse as something of an enabler. I know one thing, I don't want to have these deep rooted issues when I meet my wife. I don't want to drag her down. I have never experienced real love from a woman, and I know I don't want to screw it up when God has made it just for me. It seems so much easier to just give up. Thank you for talking to me.
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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TM2
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Posted: Wed Aug 5th, 2009 06:30 pm |
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You're welcome, of course.
I think deep-rooted issues don't go away on their own. Some of our problems are vertical ones between ourselves and God, but some of our problems are also horizontal ones between us and other people and interior ones within ourselves. For those problems, working with other people seems to me to be indispensable. I often say that addiction is a disease of isolation, and that one can't beat isolation alone.
For me, anyway, both professional counseling and the 12-step program are essential parts of building a new life, unwinding the deep issues, and getting sober. After all, sex addiction is a real addiction, just as hard to address as any other addiction. Alcoholics and drug addicts don't often just find the will power to get better on their own. Counseling and AA get people sober. It's the same with us.
If you're interested in 12-step programs, you can certainly look at what's available locally at
http://slaafws.org/
http://sa.org/
http://sexaa.org/
http://sca-recovery.org/
There are also phone and on-line meetings listed at those sites. I think the major online SLAA meetings are at
http://slaaonline.org/
http://internationalslaaonline.org/
Those meetings have people with some very strong recovery, as well as people who are new and struggling.
The chance to talk to other addicts who know what it's like and what worked for them is really precious.
In some ways, though, your inner issues may be complicated enough that working with a counselor might give you important tools that we amateurs who only know our own addiction can't. To me, that would also be a very important direction to consider.
Be well, whatever path you may take.
Tim M.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Wed Aug 5th, 2009 06:48 pm |
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Thanks for getting back to me. It is indeed complicated for me. I will check those links out and pray on them. I don't think there is any hope for me outside of prayer. I just called a Christian biker group and I am going to ride with them on Friday. it has nothing to do with sexual issues, but it will get me out of my house, hopefully.
I have a question, are all of those organizations Christian based organizations?
Last edited on Wed Aug 5th, 2009 08:21 pm by doleorequiem
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Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Wed Aug 5th, 2009 11:57 pm |
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I need help with something. I have been wondering about the addiction to pornography and masturbation. It seems that as a temptation they both are emotionally driven things, the need to satisfy a deep desire. Where that desire stems from, is something of debate. What am I supposed to do when confronted with "heated" temptation? It seems the only alternative rather than acting out is to turn away and look into a cold, miserable void.
To choose suffering and emptiness rather than what seems like satisfaction, relief, and enjoyment. How can any rational human being make such a decision? Doesn't there have to be an "Alternative"? Or, is it in surrendering to your desires you are given over to sin and previously wholesome distractions (Riding a motorcycle, playing guitar) no longer are effective to curbing temptation? I think this may be the case which leaves my outlook all the more dreadful. I was reading something about withdrawal, and that there is no "easy" way out of it, you simply must suffer through something very traumatic.
All this in exchange for trying to satisfy a desire inside of yourself, that when presented, crowds out all thoughts of any alternative, and is as in your face as a high school bully. It seems the choice is obvious, to suffer through withdrawal rather than going for a few-second time of relief that is never as good as you are tempted with. But in suffering the actual affliction it crowds out every alternative and you are simply left alone to suffer. I see what Jesus means when He said we must crucify our flesh.
At the same time I loathe being herded around like some sort of cow by my emotions and primal desires, like Pavlov's dog. I hate what I have been reduced to, but in some forms of depressed retrospect it seems I never had an alternative. I know, back to the bleak perspective of suffering, that I always had an alternative: To suffer. To drag my life on through it, and hope for relief tomorrow.
You know, I find that when I act out, I am overwhelmed with such grief, such guilt, it lends itself to physical stress. If God doesn't want me to feel this way, then why do I feel this way? I feel sometimes, that even a slight relief of this guilt and I would be doing the same thing again. Perhaps year ago I chose to heap guilt onto myself as a means of staying away from ever doing something wrong again. What is this freedom promised in the Bible? "All things are lawful, but not all things are beneficial"?
It makes me wonder what sort of madmen would ever search for a fountain of eternal life. Eternal life on earth? WHY?
I also am forced to consider now that I have looked at pornography for the first time in a while, how I am going to deal with something I have lived with for 15 years and be "rid" of it before I am married. I do not want to drag a woman down who loves me, who God made for me. Having tasted unbridled lust, am I going to be constantly haunted with visions of things I have done in the past, colored in the unreasonable, and dishonest emotion of temptation?
There has to be a line. There has to be a stop. There has to be relief. Where is the requiem in life when all that is presented is torment in the form of denied temptation? It has to come to a stop. I do not want to hear the only option is to say "no" when there are no other alternatives.
Am I so weak that I require an emotion to survive temptation? Why can't I say "It is wrong" and be done with it? Am I so scarred deep down that my entire life until now has been based on what is obscene?
But I am neglecting the one alternative to temptation that offers some semblance of rest, however deceitful, a temptation to defeat a temptation, and that is of the rope or the gun. How many times has my soul been choked by cold dark hands while I thought of a self induced requiem. How deceitful! What alternative do I have, now, with two temptations traipsing through my mind?
That's right: To suffer. Such is the price of sin, and a price I am seemingly less and less able to afford.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so tired. I hold it all inside and I am cut down for it. What a life I have. The only prospect more debasing than never being healed and delivered of it, is being healed and delivered of it and falling back into it again. Like a dog returns to his vomit.
What is God trying to tell me?
____________________
Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Aug 6th, 2009 01:38 am |
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Hi Dave,
My heart aches for the traumas of your life, both those inflicted by peers, and those perpetrated by those who should have shown you love and been a refuge from the rejection of your peers.
You are correct that even the most faithful believers are faced with trials, and none are "super." Some just hide their weaknesses better than others. That's not to say that there are not some who do genuinely provide worthwhile role models, but perfection simply does not take place in this life.
It sounds like you have not received any counsel regarding any of the issues about which you wrote. If you do a search on this site for "Jason," you should find a link to a therapist who does group and individual phone counselling. I believe you may be able to be involved in a complementary group session, but I do not know what cost is involved otherwise.
The twelve step groups to which Tim linked acknowledge a "higher power," but leaves it to the individual to define that for himself.
I realize that it may be tremendously challenging to find things for which to praise God, but I have found that praise for what I can be thankful for to be a powerful tool against Satan's attacks of discouragement.
I pray that God will bring healing to the darkness that has clouded your life to this point.
TruthSeeker
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john
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Posted: Thu Aug 6th, 2009 02:30 am |
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I think I understand where you are coming from. This short Bible study is the answer that I arrived at when I asked myself the same kind of questions.
http://www.higher-calling.com/articles.php?article_id=8
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Thu Aug 6th, 2009 04:11 am |
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I truly appreciate your kind words, Truthseeker. Thank you.
John, thank you for that also.
Something after almost 30 years (My birthday is August 12th) I noticed when I looked up the pornography. While I was in the middle of it, I was praying to God to help me. I thought, and felt, that I was wasting my time. But still I cried out. And I have not been hit as hard as previous times. I didn't think I could "Do that". I didn't think "It was allowed" to talk to God while you are sinning.
I thought you were separated and that was that. But God Has helped me, and even the temptation right after, while strong, is not what it "normally" should.
That link is confirmation of that. What a precious gift reading that was. I am uplifted by that.
I also shared my sin with a good friend from church. He shared some things with me and I was like "Oh wow". I have told him about the incident at the exotic animal sanctuary. He has been through similar things, and actually, we are a lot alike. I was telling people go through their lifetime without finding a friend like him.
After I told him what I did he encouraged me a great deal. He kept asking me "Why do you look so tired? Why do you look so tired?". I "feel" a whole lot better. I also think God has used this particular incident with me and pornography to show me some things about myself.
I have based my relationship with Christ on emotions. Not facts, not the Bible, but emotions. In fact, my entire life is based on them. How do I "feel" about this, "feel about that". Do I feel like doing this today? It has left me spiritually as vulnerable and naked as a little child, ripe for an attack.
I have recently been given a tremendous gift with relation to my father. I had pledged I was going to kill him when I got big enough, strong enough. When that time came I didn't do it. He hasn't admitted he ever did anything wrong, but, recently while visiting him and my brothers, I was given an insight. I always viewed my father as a creature, a monster, not even human.
God opened my heart and showed me he is just like me. He is a human being who has been deceived. Just like with the realization that deep down, I wanted a wolf as a mate, he has been deceived with anger, and whatever else. It really opened up a door in my life. I could now stop hating him, stop the violent thoughts I had against him, and start healing. For 30 years of my life I have hated him, so much, he became a non-person to me. Not even a living organism, so to speak.
I realized a while ago that much of my lust for men stems from the lack of a father figure.
I also struggle with the thought of God. People say "Heavenly Father", and I am like "Heavenly what?" I have struggled with this a lot. It is hard for me to love God. It is hard for me to not be angry, for Him putting me back, letting me live. I should have been killed so many many many times in my life, but I am still alive. Each time my life was spared was a miracle. But for what? I wonder sometimes, and I resent God a lot. I do. I wish I didn't. But I do. I have to ask God to help me, help me to stop hating Him. I didn't want to go back. I was in paradise, in the arms of God, in the arms of pure love.
Who wants to leave that and be brought back to this world? What, in this world, is worth leaving that?
I have told people about it and they are like "I want an experience like that!". No, they don't. Because these experiences are designed to strengthen, and to need THAT kind of strength (Being bathed in the love of God) means you are going to suffer a LOT. God just doesn't give that to anyone, but those who actually need it to keep living. It has kept me struggling and surviving. Times when I felt so abandoned by God and everyone, and everything else, but I remembered being held by God.
I have an unusual relationship with God. I look at people sometimes who just love Him, and I want that. But I struggle so much, with pride, rage, lust, everything that is disgusting to me and to God. A lot of anger for God stems from pride. I see that. I am too proud to take these experiences with the realization that God is making me stronger, preparing me. I have to forsake the deceived belief that my life is going to be cherries. It's just that I have been so crushed so many times in my life all I can remember is being destroyed on the inside.
I don't want to say it, but I feel like life is not worth living. At what point are you so mired in your own sin, your own mistakes, you own diseased past, where it affects you so deeply, that you are unable to find a reason to get up in the morning? Unable to find a reason NOT to swerve off the road, not to fly through traffic dangerously swerving because you just don't care anymore. I am a Christian, I have experienced the Love of God and I struggle. I sometimes think that other peoples problems would crush me, but my problems would kill somebody if they had to endure them.
But I know it is for a reason. God has not left me alone, there is a strength in me, a small but diamond hard strength. I have died, overdosed, been shot at, crashed and nearly died, spit on cussed at, beaten, ruined, hurt and crushed, and I still am alive today. Sometimes not because I want to be.
I have overcome bipolar disorder without medication, and obsessive compulsive disorder, without medication. I have come a long way with my hate, and my anger, without medication. I used to take medication, and it was the best thing for me, but when I lost my job I lost my medication, and there's nothing worse than having the cure and losing it. I would have been better off never taking the medication. I won't ever be on it again. It's just not worth it.
I feel a lot better. God has lifted a weight from me today through a good friend. I am going to drive the bottled water truck tomorrow to pick up food for the homeless and hungry and I am looking forward to it. I have a lot of things that grieve me deeply and cause me great sorrow, but I am trusting God with them. Satan has tried to take them away, but he can't. It's too important, God has propped me up and isn't going to let me go.
____________________
Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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LoveSick4God
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Posted: Thu Aug 6th, 2009 04:43 am |
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Dude, don't ever give up the fight. And please know that NO MATTER WHAT you've done or ever will do, God will always love you and accept you no matter what.
He died on the cross, taking every sin that you have commited or ever will commit upon himself. He died for ALL our sins, not just the little ones like lying or gossiping. He dies specifically for beistiality and pornographhy and homosexuality and all the things that you have mentioned. And he longs to set you free and see you healed from all of this stuff. He isn't mad or angry with you. He wants to hold you and be the daddy that you never had,
And I am so sorry for all the things you've been through and i know God's heart aches for the pain inside of you. Every pain you've felt, He's felt, every tear you've cried, He also cried.
Please know that you're not alone...we all struggle, and keep fighting the good fight. Never give up hope. You can do ANYTHING with Jesus!
go for it!
-LoveSick4God
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john
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Posted: Thu Aug 6th, 2009 11:33 am |
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Your last post reminded me of this passage...
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians%204:7-11;&version=31;
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Fri Aug 7th, 2009 04:41 pm |
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Thank you guys for the encouragement, it is a different and good thing not to be completely alone in my struggles.
I have found one of those groups who looks like something that would benefit me, but the nearest meeting is 100 miles away, and they dont really focus on any Biblical principles per se.
I had a difficult time last night with temptation. That furry porn I looked at opened a door to wanting male companionship. I struggled and tossed and turned last night, wanting to post myself on a website that is for "hooking up" for men.
My sheets on my bed came untucked as I tossed and turned. I got almost no sleep. What a difficult time I had last night. But in the struggle I began to discover something. That even if I went through with this, or that, that God loves me. I cannot earn and maintain the Love of God. I have struggled all of my life to do this, to earn His love, to be a good Christian. I know He couldn't care too much about me like I was, so I had to strive.
I don't know why I did it, maybe to try to be a better person, but at one point in my young life I told myself that if I ever sinned I angered Jesus and God, and that they would turn away from me, end of story. I have carried that belief into adulthood and ti has cursed me.
You are probably wondering why that would curse me, wouldn't it keep me from sinning? Not if I had a feeble relationship with God, and the temptations to seek out love from a man were on an almost unimaginable scale. As a matter of fact, when I started to go through the motions of finding a one night stand, I would realize how bad off I was and give up on trying to meet Gods expectations of me. I couldn't do it. I was condemned.
However last night, God was with me and helped me (God bless you everyone who is praying for me!). He had me go to some dark places in my mind, I was like "You want me to go THERE?". But He was there with me. He said, even if you do this, I will still love you. Even if you do that, I will still love you. Even if you.... I will still love you". Slowly I began to realize that instead of intensifying the temptation, I experienced some relief from it. I don't want to sin when I know that God isn't going to pound my face in when I am caught up in a temptation. "I will never leave you or forsake you" is something that is meaning more to me.
I am also coming to grips with the fact that in my unhealthy and weak relationship with God, that I have been going on other people's fath, instead of my own. I am finding out that I personally actually have very few true beliefs and faith about God. I sort of go for the emotional state that is around a group of people and feed off of that, if anyone can understand that. It like a form of manipulation, if you guys can understand that.
As much progress as I am making, only God knows what the future will bring me. Tonight I am going to go with a Christian biker group to go ride and I guess have fun in the town.
I wonder how many Christians are struggling with homosexuality. I wonder how many Christians are struggling with the furry scene.
I broke down yesterday and told my mother I have a problem with pornography. I told her that I do not want to carry this heavy baggage with me when I meet my wife. My mom said that what I was saying was insightful, but I have a real struggle with that. It is like I can see what is wrong with me, I can trace the roots, but I feel powerless over it. I feel like Satan is holding it and shoving it in my face.
My mom asked me if I was playing my guitar. She knows I used to love the guitar. I could play notes and sounds that struck chords and resonated with the pain I struggle with. I used to play several times a day, every day, for years. I even scrimped and bought a full stack (really loud) so I wouldn't just hear the music, I would feel it, too. I like some classical music, like Beethovens Moonlight Sonata, it reminds me of wolves. Or Mozarts Lacrimosa Requiem. I feel like I could have written those things. "God have mercy on us".
My struggle is like I have a cancer that runs deep and all I am able to do is paint the big black mass over with a thin coat of white paint. I want the cancer gone! I am resisting the symptoms, but the cause goes undiagnosed, unhealed. All of my intimate experiences from a child onward, were deviant. It is all I have ever known. It seems like when people would abandon me, or hurt me, all I ever had was an animal that would comfort me. I could always hug my dog. She was always happy to be around me.
How am I supposed to get better when I don't have any memories of my father holding me, or loving me. When all my mom could say when he was beating me into nothing, "Aren't you being a little hard n him"? She didn't have much to say when he would kick me so hard I would fly into things and break them when I was so young.
My friends, it seems, the only people that would have me, were as scarred as I was. There was friendship, but there was no love. I took comfort in the hate that burned inside of me. I would look at people walking by on the street and want them to look at me, I wanted to hurt anyone and everyone. I got involved with a gang or two, some more organized than other, my friends were thieves and murderers. I never felt more at home than with those tormented and ruined people.
One day me and some 'friends' were driving to go rob an auto parts store. I had just smoked more methamphetamines than I had ever done in my life. I suddenly felt a feeling liek a sledge hammer hitting me HARD in the chest as my heart pounded and knocked the wind out of me.
I told my friends, that if I pass out, to push me out on the sidewalk, because I knew if I died in the car they'd just leave the vehicle in a parking lot somewhere. I wanted someone maybe to see me on the sidewalk and call an ambulance. I walked it off outside of the store. I felt a lot better. As soon as I felt better I just wanted to get high again, and I knew that if I didn't quit right then and there, that I would die from it. It is a scary thing to be high, and so near death. You can't even think straight to sort out your mind.
I have spent much of my youth so strung out on drugs that I have damaged my mind and my memory. It is hard for me to remember even what I did a few minutes ago. I drank until I was in acoma, I smoked pot until I was living in a completely different world, any world where I didn't have to be me. I remember hearing a song by Type-O-Negative called "I don't wanna be me". One step forward, two steps back. Without warning, Heart attack.
I came home on day when I was 16 drunk and stoned and my mom told me to leave, so I did. I live in a wooden box and I stole my food. The other homeless people left me alone because I always had a knife, and it was always in my hand when they were talking to me. I kept to myself and kept warm with a candle and blankets. I filled up my drinking water in the bathroom sink at McDonalds. I would walk alone the railroad, my heavy metla music blaring in my headphones, in the middle of the railroad tracks. When I felt the train coming and heart the horn, I timed it just right to where I stepped off and the train whooshed by.
Forget it, you know? Forget it all. Sometimes I think I'd be better off homeless again. I know that I would not, but the thoughts come when I am really weak. People see you outside in the rain or the cold and they may even let you inside and have a meal. That was always cool to have happen. Not everyone is out to hurt me, how can they be? Anyway, I apologize, I am unloading. I haven't had any sleep and I feel like I am run ragged right now.
Even in spite of the victories I have had, I still got upset with someone who wanted to speed up to catch me, then get in front of me and slow down. I blasted past them and they tried to get in front of me again, but I just gave up and let them go, they turned in a little ways ahead, I don't know why they did that. I fee like I want to be perfect, no troubles or worries because God is on my side but that is proving to be as impossible as having every want satisfied.
I am scarred and I need healing, healing that goes deep. It is frightening to realize that God still loves me, because it is easier to think that He doesn't care anymore. Sometimes I find myself going through difficulty and saying "God doesn't care". I do this because I think that if God really cared He'd be sparing me from torment, or at least helping me out. It is easier to live abandoned than it is to be accountable to people, to friends. I keep asking God to have mercy on me when I die. I don't know what else to say to Him, and sometimes I tell Him that. I just don't know what to do anymore.
But He is still helping me. It is hard not to give up but Jesus still loves me and is helping me. And, Jesus still loves me. I am not forsaken nor am I abandoned.
Please continue to pray for me.
Last edited on Fri Aug 7th, 2009 04:47 pm by doleorequiem
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john
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Posted: Fri Aug 7th, 2009 05:19 pm |
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Your conundrum about not wanting God to hate you keeping you from sin, but not actually doing so, reminds me of one of my favorite passages:
For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. (Titus 2:11-14)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=titus%202:11-14;&version=31;
It is God's grace, not his wrath, that teaches us to say no to worldly passions. That is such a mind warp for us who struggle with addiction. We tend to be very performance-minded and struggle with the concept of grace. I like to say that we have a non-stick teflon coating when it comes to messages about God's grace. It's like we don't believe it.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Aug 7th, 2009 06:41 pm |
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Hi Dave,
Here are some more resources which may be of help to you.
Celebrate Recovery
Exodus International
Love Won Out
TruthSeeker
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Sat Aug 8th, 2009 12:00 am |
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Thank you guys.
It seems I have allowed my behavior to escalate again.
I did not have contact with anyone, only myself.
Bringing back all of those memories I thought I was rid of, all the condemnation. It's never ever worth it.
Ralph Vaughan Williams "Fantasia on a Theme by Thomas Tallis" is a great song.
I get frustrated when I don't see a feasible way out of a situation, not allowing for God to help me. I think "It is hopeless".
I would give everything to be in the arms of God again.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Sat Aug 8th, 2009 12:16 am |
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john wrote: Your conundrum about not wanting God to hate you keeping you from sin, but not actually doing so, reminds me of one of my favorite passages:
For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. (Titus 2:11-14)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=titus%202:11-14;&version=31;
It is God's grace, not his wrath, that teaches us to say no to worldly passions. That is such a mind warp for us who struggle with addiction. We tend to be very performance-minded and struggle with the concept of grace. I like to say that we have a non-stick teflon coating when it comes to messages about God's grace. It's like we don't believe it.
I looked that up in my KJV Bible. What a great verse. It is a help. You are right, when we are condemned we sink into a pit, and in that pit the only way to go is further down, because who wants to see light when you are bathed in darkness?
I would like to present an analogy I was thinking of recently.
I know I am not the most worse off person, I know that many have endured more than me (Allbeit in different ways?)
It seems to me that when someone so young is subjected to violence, rape, whatever all the worse from a parent, that it is the same as reaching into a computer and jumbling the wires inside.
Through the deceitfulness of lust brought about by a destroyed psyche (That Satan is happy to take advantage of) Satan reaches into that same miswired computer and now is able to short out wires that should never be shorted together.
Does that make sense?
Please pray for me.
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TM2
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Posted: Sat Aug 8th, 2009 01:31 am |
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You are probably wondering why that would curse me, wouldn't it keep me from sinning?
I don't think any addict would ever wonder that. Of course it makes no rational sense, but we've all experienced that day after painful day and year after painful year. That's how addiction works. We act out, and we feel desperate shame and loneliness, and part of our response to that is to try to feel better by acting out again. It doesn't make sense, but it's how all of us have lived large portions of our lives.
And I think your insight is wonderful that part of the way out is discovering again and again and again that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Another part of the way out, I'm also pretty sure, is discovering that however shameful we think our acts have been, we can still be loved by other humans, too. I can say to my fellow addicts and to my counselors and to my family things I thought it would kill me to admit, and still they love me. You have come here and unloaded a lot of things that must be eating you up inside, and nobody has said boo. Instead, people have welcomed you with open arms. We need to see that, too.
You are not forsaken and not abandoned, not by God and not by your fellow humans.
You're doing great stuff.
Tim M.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Sat Aug 8th, 2009 04:28 am |
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Thank you, TM2. I was actually being bombarded today with thoughts of how much I must be a freak to you all. But I felt it wasn't coming from God. It was definately of the devil. Another blessing, I am starting to know the difference!
Thanks guys.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Sat Aug 8th, 2009 07:17 pm |
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It seems to me that when I find myself weak and in the middle of sin, when I stop condemning myself, God will open a light and show me some things, like He did when I was struggling a few nights ago. Where I had held these things close to myself, and inside, afraid to let them go, now i am confronting them in the light that I am still loved.
I am reading the stories of men who have endured similar things on Exodus International. It makes me feel not so alone.
Yet it seems as if these feelings of worthlessness and suicide are almost as ingrained in me as hunger and thirst. I know they are, because in being as weak as I have allowed myself to become, I defaulted to the "easiest" emotion. After fighting battle after losing battle, struggling to the point of near catatonia time and time again in my life, I am so exhausted, so beat down, so lonely, so alienated from God (Or felt that way) I just would give up.
All the time Satan is telling me to put the gun to my head, or make myself up a noose. Why is it that the most difficult, depressive and awful times I have lived seem like great things to go do again? I remember being a drunk in North Dakota. I would stay home and watch videos all day, or go drink with my friends.
God has also shown me that my struggle isn't anywhere near over. I don't want to admit it, even to myself, but these scars go so damned deep that I am going to have to confront things I never wanted to see again. Maybe even the memories of my childhood.
I feel like this thread is an outlet for me to express some things i haven't been able to express, but in a light, the light of the realization that Jesus still loves me. It's amazing how stupid I can be, to be loved by God and then get so far from Him that it seems like He hates me.
Pride dies a horrible death. Every slight pleasant emotion you allow to enter in you becomes a barbed, twisted thorn that is difficult to remove later.
I had fun at the motorcycle meet. It was nice to be a part of something. It was nice to be wanted.
I have realized today and yesterday that my goal of being perfect is not going to happen in this lifetime, and that I have so far to go. Niether of those things are things I want to admit.
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doleorequiem
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Posted: Sun Aug 9th, 2009 02:32 am |
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I don't know why I am so weak. I am sitting here in this chair and crying. How can I be so foolish? What is so wrong with me that I am willing to sacrifice my sanity for a few seconds worth of relief?
I was cleaning out an old truck yesterday when I found a bag of Bugler tobacco. I used to smoke 3 packs a day, I could kill a carton in a week. I smoked since I was 14. Sometimes I smoked because it brought me that much closer to death. Then I started to experience pain in my chest. I asked myself do I really want to die from cancer? Or was it just some temptation from Satan to succumb to an easy thought of laying down one day and never having to struggle again. Only a year ago I quit again! For 5 years once!
Why is it so hard for me to believe that there remains hope for me? Given everything I have been through I am vulnerable to the spur of the moment feeling of hopelessness that clouds out everything God has done for me.
Thoughts of quick redemption run around my head, just within reach. But never obtainable.
I know, you can read this and say "You need help", it's true, but I have always been this way.
It seems every negative thought that comes into my mind I try to counter with "God still loves me". Everytime I associate that thought pattern with "God still loves me" it makes me able to stand on my feet.
Yet, I still sin. The answer is on its way.
It seems the only time in my memory where my life was worth living was when I spent time with a particular animal at the sanctuary (I never molested him). When I felt depressed, he would grab me and wrestle me down to the ground where we would fight (not really though he is much stronger and faster than I am) until I felt better then he'd leave me alone. I bonded to him, and him to me. He was everything I had, he was what I had been asking God for since I was just a child. I haven't seen him in almost a year, now.
I have spent my entire life becoming somebody else, a rotten human being.
Now I wonder, how difficult is it to even see the real me? Is the real me the kid that died at the age of 3 when his father beat him mercilessly?
I fight and I fight and I fight and never triumph.
God has promised He will fight my battles for me. How do I let Him do that?
One thing is for sure I have learned a lot the past week. I know it is not hopeless or I'd already be dead.
I don't want to bother you guys. Please don't feel obligated to me. It helps me to type like this here. Is that OK?
Last edited on Sun Aug 9th, 2009 02:33 am by doleorequiem
____________________
Magnopere patior. Da mihi, Deus, lupoque meo requiem æternam.
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