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captivatinghope
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 02:29 am |
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After enduring my husband's affair with an anorexic love/sex addict 25 years his junior, after being lied to and betrayed over and over and over, after separating for 6 weeks in 2007, 9 weeks in 2008 because of the affair, then, having him come home, attend "Every Man's Battle," then 50+ hours of deep, intensive deliverance ministry, after taking the computer away from the garage, getting him an office outside the home ( my two boys 7 & 11 are homeschooled) ------ after all of this, forgiveness, grace, hope lost hope found, I find him with a full blown profile on match.com as he accessed match.com on our 11 year old's computer.
He is now living away from us and our newly built dream home, our dog, who loves him, and, more importantly, our sons.
I have recently completed reading and highly recommend Patrick Carnes, Ph.D's books "Out of the Shadows" and "Contrary to Love." Apparently, the ruin of our family is not just about my husband's S.A. --- it appears as though I am addicted to addicts. Dr. Carnes is no Christian but, the books describe to a "T" the sex addict and folks like me, the co-addict.
Both of my sons are acting out --- especially the 7 year old, he hit me 4 X today at the park, he says to me "I HATE you" and "I want to live with Daddy" and "Shut up stupid piece of crap" etc. My 11 year old, who is on the autism spectrum cries, blurts out inappropriately and, is not happy. They are both hurting, wounded. I cry and weep not knowing or having the strength to know what to do --- I am burnt-out.
Before the match.com discovery, I had so much hope! We were both in counseling! He came back to Church! developed a relationship with our Pastor! began a men's addiction group! ------ but, 8:00 a.m. he's up stairs on our son's computer looking at and sending "winks" on match.com!!! Then the lies, the endless, stupid, putrid, vomit of lies. I found his profile, printed it out, wrote "YOU ARE BEING SERVED" as I handed him what he was lying about, his elaborate, full of total B.S. profile.
I am in awe and shock that my husband's extreme use of porno #1, transformed into a real live affair and #2, he now isnt' into porno, he's now out there seeking "true love." He told me point blank, "I know what REAL love is, and I don't love you, I am sorry."
I cannot and will not bear living with a serial adulterer. My heart has been thrashed, pummeled, seared, beaten, ripped apart, chewed and spit out, over and over and over again. During his affair with the little harlot, I fought the battle in full force and won. Two months after we filed a police complaint against her, she became engaged to and is now married to a man 30 years her senior. My husband flipped out inside ---- to think that He! was betrayed!!! She was supposed to be "so in love with me [him". The Lord apparently is now letting me know it is His battle not mine.
I am too weary to fight, to pray, to hope. My life has been a wreck for these past 3 years. I have stunted my social life, do not exercise (I've gained 20lbs) cannot seem to get organized, I'm a mess. I don't know what to read in the Bible, I just see that my family is presently ruined and that at least I did say "presently" which, I guess, exhibits a little bit of hope. No much. Sex addiction is worse than heroin, especially if one's body developed from a tween into a man.
Don't these S.A. husbands ever even consider the children? The consequences? The generational legacy they are birthing or upholding?
Sorry for being so dreary. I am so concerned about the boys! Carnes book did give brilliant insights into the process, just like the common cold, that S.A. is ------ more importantly, there was a section that explained the lying ----- "delusion" thinking ----- how can a man who can't keep vows to his own self keep vows to anyone else? ---- now, damn, why didn't I think of that earlier!
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minuspride
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 03:13 am |
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So sorry to read your post...
I am by no means qualified but stay focus on the Lord.
Your children will need you and you will need Godly responses to their needs and behaviors.
Blessings,
minuspride
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 03:44 am |
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Hi captivatinghope,
Welcome to BG. I am so sorry for the pain that has driven you here, and pray that God will give you wisdom, healing, and peace.
If you have not already done so, I hope that you will explore resources for counselling for all of you. I can only imagine the temptation it must be to expose their father's betrayal, but I can't fathom that that would be age appropriate.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 04:20 am |
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One other thought...
I trust that your husband being able to access such sites on your son's computer means that you realize that your son can also access such sites, and probably much worse. All recommendations I have ever seen urge that children only have internet access where a parent can easily monitor its use.
TruthSeeker
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captivatinghope
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 05:08 am |
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| Obviously, our whole familly is "sick" ------ wounded. We are a weak, wilted plant. I have been obsessed with my husband's infidelity ---- the boys have been more neglected than they ever bargained for or should have endured. We must seek counseling and we do have an amazing, wise Christian woman who will make herself available. I just can't believe that S.A. is so much stronger than I ever imagined. My hope was that we both heal from the "affair" thing, then move forward ----- yet, not only match.com but craigslist too! I had no idea that my husband is in so much bondage ---- the talons of the doomed-one grip his soul.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Aug 14th, 2009 01:26 pm |
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Hi Captivatinghope,
I'm not assuming that single parenthood is inevitable, but there is a series of programs on it in the list on this page, and I hope they might help. I haven't listened to them, but generally consider this a reliable ministry.
http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/FamilyLife_Today/archives.asp?bcd=2009-3-26
TruthSeeker
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