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onedayatatime
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| Joined: | Tue Sep 29th, 2009 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 1st, 2009 03:12 pm |
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Being new here, I suppose this is best place to start with a little background. I'm 25 years old and have carried the burden of an addiction to pornography and masturbation for probably close to 12 years now, when a friend at the time showed me my first Playboy magazine. I was raised in a Christian home and when I was younger, I got caught several times by my parents and that stopped me, at least until I could find a way to accumulate a new collection. Soon, I realized how much easier it was to obtain and conceal porn over the internet. If only then, I had been able to fully understand that hole that I was digging for myself. I got to the point where I was using pornography and masturbating at least once day if not more. I viewed it as a kind of outlet. I'd come home from a day at school, then later from work and sit down in front of the computer and surf. In my final stages, it got to the point that whenever I was alone with my laptop, I'd stop what I was doing at that point to go indulge my addiction, as many times a day as I could.
Backtracking a little here, in my junior year of high school, I met a girl and we dated throughout the rest of high school. At the end of senior year we had sex for the first time. We were young and thought we were in love and shortly after graduation in 2002, we got engaged. My addiction raged uncontrolled throughout this whole time. It's safe to say at this point that though I would tell people that I was a Christian, I certainly wasn't living like it. I broke off the engagement and slept with another girl whom I'd recently met. I didn't think I was ready to get married and certainly didn't want to settle down just yet. At this point in my life, I think I spent almost a whole year about as far from God as I could possibly get.
However, I truly believe to this day that the girl I dated in high school was the wife that God had planned for me and through His grace, I asked for her forgiveness. We were married in 2007. I began again seeking God to fill my life and give it meaning, but still, the pornography was there; an ugly skeleton just waiting in my closet to be found out. We got pregnant and my son was born in 2008. He just had his first birthday this month and my addiction was as strong as ever.
I think what finally sealed the deal for me was realizing that I did not want to be a father who passes on my kind of legacy to his child. These last few weeks have been some of the hardest mentally and physically for me. I cried out to God and asked him to deliver me from the monkey that had been riding my back since I was 13 years old. Already this month I made the choice to stop and then fell again within 24 hours. For the first time I was actually trying to fight against myself. I was still losing, but at least now I was fighting. Three times, I tried control myself and three times, I fell. Each time I cried...on my knees...begging God to help me and make me stronger.
I know it's not His lack of strength or mercy that caused me to lose those three struggles. It was my lack of faith in his ability to change my life. A fourth battle began on Tuesday, Sept. 28th. I was sitting at my computer alone. I cried out to God to save me, this time, putting everything I could into the cry for help. Instead of my usual pornography site, I ended up searching Google for "porn addiction forums." I knew I needed to find people in situations like mine. I needed to know that there was hope of success. I ended up here and registered as a member.
As of Tuesday, I'm three days clean. That might sound like nothing at this point, but from where I was before, this is a place I never thought I'd be. Like my user name, I'm taking this one day at a time, by the grace of God and with unrelenting prayer.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Oct 1st, 2009 10:18 pm |
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Welcome. Lots of people in the same boat as you here, at different stages of dealing with this problem.
I'm not married and never will be so my struggle is rather different from yours but everybody has their own set of problems to deal with. It sounds like you're making an effort to quit. Finding local accountability is recommended by forum members here because online contact like this can never be a substitute for face-to-face accountability.
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
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Posted: Fri Oct 2nd, 2009 12:56 am |
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Welcome! I replied to this on another board.
Tim M.
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minuspride
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| Joined: | Wed Jul 16th, 2008 |
| Location: | New York USA |
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Posted: Sat Oct 3rd, 2009 11:43 am |
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The day you registered as a new member was a great day! II'm 37 now and have been addicted to porn and lust since I was a teenager (13). My thirst for P/M was and is very similiar to you.
I've been working on my situation for nearly 3yrs and not knowing where I would end up when I started my recovery. I've had many failures in my battle with addiction. But it has taken that many years to understand intimacy with God, facing the the truth (time and time again). This is a journey and God's purpose for you is yet to be discovered! You will overcome this, it's only a matter of time.
I'mstill vulnerable but pray everyday for the Holy Spirit to be with me and protect me. Continue to put yourself in winning positions like a webfilter, accountability partner/s, try your best to share with other men. Pray....
Blessings
minuspride
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onedayatatime
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Posted: Wed Oct 7th, 2009 04:42 am |
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Today makes one week clean.  After tons of prayer, I'm going for two weeks now.
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Devastated Wife
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| Joined: | Fri Jul 17th, 2009 |
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Posted: Mon Oct 12th, 2009 01:29 pm |
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God Bless you, Onedayatatime.
I'd like to offer a woman's perspective on this. I learned of my husband's porn addiction after 23 years of marriage. The porn, the adultery, the lusting after other women hurt me immensely, but what hurt the most was the fact that my husband had not been truthful with me about his struggles, about his addiction. When I learned of his addiction, quite by accident, it triggered a rage that I've never felt before.
I would urge you to tell your wife, if she does not already know, the truth about your struggle. If my husband had come to me and confessed his sin and asked for my help, I would have gladly helped him in a loving, supportive manner. Learning by accident, after 23 years, was the worst possible way to learn of my husbands addiction.
I would urge you to "come clean" with your wife. Be prepared to be the recipient of a barrage of emotions. But ask for her help. Your marriage will be strengthened thereby. Show her this post if it will help. She can be a tremendous ally in this struggle, if you allow her to be. This is a spiritual battle with psychological roots, neurochemical roots, behavioral roots. Because it is a multi-faceted problem, you need to take a multi-faceted approach. Your previous attempts to "white knuckle" your way through failed because you were only addressing one facet of the problem. I would urge you to address all the facets simultaneously, with the loving support of your wife.
I'll be praying for you and your wife.
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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