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bigj714
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| Joined: | Sun Sep 30th, 2007 |
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| Posts: | 41 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 4th, 2009 09:50 am |
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Well, I'll try to introduce myself as succinctly as possible. I returned to Christ with repentance a few years ago, although an incomplete one and I find myself fighting sanctification and choosing the dark sin of lust and sexual immorality, so at best I'm still a very conflicted person and this has me questioning my salvation very often, as I know from scripture that those who practice what i do are not going to make it to heaven. a little over three years I turned my back on my life of outragreous sin that lasted from age 18-32. by 2006 the years of having all the devils gifts, more free money than I knew what to do with,more wild playmate types ans strippers that a debauched and loveless person like me knew what to do with. I was succeeding in living this jetset lifestyle that i coveted and was a slave to, but after getting everything i though i wanted, i was completely filled with digust with myself and owing i was headed to hell, having turned from God as a teen, and now had turned the Grace of God into years and years of laciviousness. Anyways, I proceeded to tell everybody about my decision for Jesus and abandoned my old circles of people I ran with, and quit the dope game. The last three years have been incredibly difficult, I dealt with 2 years of extreme incapicitating pain from tmj and chronic daily headache, and the ensuing depression that has only just recently turned a bit better. through this time i haven't dated at all, when in the past thast all i did daily. But pornography has been a vice that ive only managed a few month stretches without at best. Lately, having no friends the last couple years and the inability to function socially with this chronic jaw and head pain has left me with a "serious" diagnosis of depression. Basically at 36 I've got no really life circumstantially(job, friends or support,faiing health)and I've found myself rebelling now and giving myself over to fornication and lust out of anger and resentment for how things have turned out so horribly considering the easy life i left behind. I know my attitude is blasphemy, but I still find myself bitter and feel like God has already rejected me and allowed my life to go nowhere and mean nothing to anybody. I've used porn since my own drug addict father provided it for me when I was 12, and for the majority of my life it has always been a relief for pent up sexual tension. I know that it is an abomination to God, but I can't see why God can't bring me one friend or something positive circumstantially, so I fall for sin and the lies of the devil. I just find it hard to pray when nothing even seems to happen things just get worse,so then I end up in sin and putting my salvation in jeopardy. Lately the scriptures seem to condemn me rather than set me free. I can't seem to reconcile"whoever calls on the name of the Lord will be saved" with He who endures to the end will be saved". Maybe all my attempts are in vain, because if being saved from your sin means being saved from the sinful patterns of sin, than I may very well not be saved. I gave myself over today to sin, and I really need forgiveness, but I don't see God forgiving me in the face of my continous pattern of this deadly sin. Sorry to be so long winded with my "introduction".
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
| Posts: | 469 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 4th, 2009 12:17 pm |
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Welcome back!
I think your discussion of loneliness as part of your problem is very good. We not only have vertical problems with God; we also have horizontal problems in our relationships with other people, and inner problems of self-hatred in our relations with ourselves. I think the brilliance of the 12-step approach lies in part in saying that all those problems not only an be dealt with, but that they all have to be dealt with together in order to find sobriety. For me, support groups (SAA and SLAA, but of course there are others) have been a source of friends in themselves, but also a source of guidance and hope in repairing my damaged relations with God, with others, and with myself.
For many, many people, recovery starts by really trusting and being open and honest with some other person - a sponsor, some other addict, a counselor, anybody who gets what addiction and recovery are like. Is there a way, through attending 12-step meetings or getting counseling or whatever, to find some trusted guide in your own life? For me, that has been crucially important. Addiction is all about isolation, and we can't overcome isolation alone.
Tim M.
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