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mustardseed3
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| Joined: | Tue Oct 20th, 2009 |
| Location: | Connecticut USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
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Posted: Sun Nov 8th, 2009 01:19 am |
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My name is Nancy. My husband has had a porn and masterbation problem since he was about 12 or 14 , he just turned 55. We have been married 33 yrs. 20 years ago I seeked counselling due to being sexual abused as a child by my father, I learned to trust my heavenly Father and confessed my sin of having an affair 5 years earlier to God and my husband. With the help of our counselor and God my husband confessed his sin of the use of porn and masterbation . we prayed, we promised to depend on God and be honest with each other from then on. I meant it - he didn't.
20 years of raising a family working hard-beleving because his English he doesn't talk about emotions-because his getting older he doesn't need sex as often-etc. etc. I discovered he was still into porn and masterbation, but because I caught him I also reconized the excuses and lies of an addict. This happened in June - It has been a daily struggle to get to today, but I feel we are on track- finally. We saw a Christian Counselor ! It's a long story - mostly it's been my husband's denial and trying to keep this hidden. I've been telling him that I can't help him, but I knew he needed help.
The hardest part right now is he still attacks and blames me for his problems and choices at times ( I did have that affair !) I don't get it! I want to support him God's way - the right way. He is praying daily and reading the bible and other very good books - he is making progress but every so may days he attitude slips and he becomes the victim and attacks and blames me. I'm very tired and I need my wounds from this looked at and I want to heal. I will not become bitter and unforgiving
Sooooo- prays are very wecomed !
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itwillgetbetter
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Devastated Wife
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| Joined: | Fri Jul 17th, 2009 |
| Location: | Pittsburgh |
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Posted: Sun Nov 8th, 2009 08:20 pm |
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Welcome. I am relatively new here. I learned on July 5th that my husband of 23 years (An Englishman) is a porn addict. I found a stash of porn on his computer quite by accident. I understand the decades long betrayal and lies as few can. I also understand what it is like to be married to an Englishman. May God be with you. I am also very good at shutting down the blame game. My husband tried it with me, and that lasted about a nano-second. Fortunately, I found this site and had done some reading BEFORE I confronted my husband. I found Mike Genung's writing on the subject, here: http://www.blazinggrace.org/cms/bg/healingforwives
If you are harboring any self-doubt, please cast it away. You didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it. He alone has chosen to self-medicate using porn and masturbation to escape and to deliver a jolt of natures opiates: endorphins. I don't condone or excuse your affair, but I suspect it started because your emotional needs had not been met for decades. Porn and masturbation addicts are very selfish and self-centered. Add the cultural affliction of being English, and at a minimum, you've been neglected if not emotionally abused. Everyone has a breaking point. You confessed it, asked for foregiveness, and it should be history.
If you can steele yourself against the pain and the depravity, I would urge you to look at what he has been looking at simply to understand the nature of his problem. DO NOT compare yourself to them. DO NOT allow yourself to think for a moment "if only I did ........". That is not the purpose of this. I did discovery on my husband's computer simply so I could confront him directly and specifically about his choices when he blamed me. And he did try to blame me. I used it as a test, really, to see if he was truly an addict.......and........well......by blaming me he demonstrated that he is indeed an addict. When confronting him, I said:
"HOW DARE YOU try to blame me for the fact there are pictures of girls our daughters age, tied up with rope, professing to "want it" on your computer. HOW DARE YOU! I HEREBY UNEQUIVOCALLY REFUSE DELIVERY OF ANY PORTION OF THE BLAME." And I added a few choice words after that, well, more than a few, but I'll spare you those. He never tried to blame me again. I shut it down and I made it clear that if he ever tried to blame me again for his depravity that I would throw him out of the house. Period. End of statement.
Please do not allow him to pin any portion of the blame on you. NONE. You shouldn't have to protect yourself from your husband. If he persists in blaming you, it means he is not taking responsibility for his problem and in my estimation, there is little reason to believe he will improve. If he refuses to take responsibility, get out or throw him out. If that doesn't bring him to his senses, then divorce him. Period. End of statement. They do this because they can. The consequences of their continued porn/masturbation habit have to be greater than the high they get from it, else it will continue. If nothing else, do it for your daughters....if any. Whenever I was feeling weak, I would always ask myself "What would you tell your daughter if she was in this situation?" and that invariably led me along the path of strength. No self-respecting woman would put up with this for an instant.
If you haven't been in the working world for a while, get a job, even if it is just part time. It will do wonders for your self-esteem.
I'll be praying for you along with all the women who have been impacted by porn and masturbation.......
My best, Devastated Wife
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My best, Devastated Wife
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mustardseed3
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| Joined: | Tue Oct 20th, 2009 |
| Location: | Connecticut USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
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Posted: Sun Nov 8th, 2009 10:08 pm |
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Hi
Thank-you for responding and for prayers. Yes, I do have a full time job and a small business. I am thankful for my full life. It would be too easy to just hide from everything at times, but not healthy.
I am also thankful for God's grace in my life over the past 20 years. We marry addicts for a reason- God showed me that reason & my relationship with my true Father has blessed me in sooo many ways ! ( and as a sinner myself , I do not deserve all God has done for me )
I know my husband was already on his destructive path when we met and married, I know I am not to blame. My biggest challenge is what to do with the hurt, I feel like I was hit by a train , yet getting him help has been the focus. Now, it's time for me. I get so hurt when his addictive attitude flares up. God is here, always with the strength to speak the truth to my husband, yet I'm very drained and feel "beat-up" afterwards. We need to talk honestly to each other to rebuild (or Build ) the intimacy we desire for our marriage. I want to trust him again - but I just don't know how.
It's very good to have a place to verbalize my thoughts - Noone around here has this problem but us (sarcasm) Really, no support groups in my State ! Very sad !
all I need is faith ( the size of a mustard seed) in my Father and I know I will be fine. I pray for all the husbands and wives out there that they turn to God and find His Mercy and Grace as I truly try to do moment by moment.
mustardseed3
Last edited on Mon Nov 9th, 2009 09:48 pm by mustardseed3
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itwillgetbetter
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