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Lost2009
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Posted: Tue Nov 10th, 2009 02:18 am |
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This is my story about porn addiction in a summarized version. I have been addicted to porn since I was 13. I was sexually molested around 13 and exposed to porn as well. This was done by a family member. This had alot to do with the problems in my life and how I used porn to escape from my feelings and my life.
This kept going for years and rolled over when I met my wife. She is a wonderful carring person and I thought that I can finally do away with porn when we moved in together. This did not happen I did not realize how bad it was until I started craving porn, specially when I was stressed. I got married and my porn addiction would have its way with me. It would go from doing porn every day to doing it once a month or once a week. I would try to stop and fail because mainly I thought I was able to beat this on my own. I didn't really understand what was wrong with me but porn was destroying my life and my family.
Eight years later and the mix of my porn and the lies and anger I made my family very sad and unhappy many times because I would try to cover this up. These were the worst times in my life that should of been the best. I have a beautiful wife and beautiful children that I almost destroyed. I was verbally and mentally abusive towards them just to hide my porn. Eight years of putting them through this and the depression and the let down I put on myself was horrible.
I was able to be strong this year and through god I made a promise that I needed to stop this and I needed to get help but that proved hard to do. I got caught one last time this year and my life just flashed in front of my eyes. I saw my family and saw how I would not want them to keep going through this. I didnt want to keep toturing my wife and my children anymore. I started my journey by forcing first to stop taking in my drug the internet porn. I did do that but that left the masturbation and images in my head which took a few months to stop and eventually i did. This left my biggest challege not to lie anymore and come out to my wife.
We had a horrible year and my lies caused alot of hurt with my wife and my children. I finally wrote my wife a letter telling her about all the lies that I had been keeping from her through out our marriage. I wanted to change and I owed this to them even thinking that they might leave me I did owed it to them. We are still currently trying to put together our marriage because we do love each other and my addiction was not about her it was the choices I have made that caused my addiction it was my childhood that caused the isolation of my life feeling like I lost my childhood and porn was the only thing I had to treat it.
This ate me alive and I had to put my foot down and I did and now I need to fix my marriage and stop the lies stop feeling a embarrased child when I feel that I cant deal with life. We had our first marriage counseling today with a pastor and it was great I felt better and knowing that I was not the only person dealing with this that this is a big issue that people hide. I had been scared to get help because people would know but I know the only way to break this is not to be ashamed but to have strength to do this. I am looking for group therapy for my addiction, therapy to put my past away, and finally marriage counseling to have a second chance for my future that will include the people I love the most in this world. Every day I tell myself this will not beat me and I need to take the steps of healing myself and not rely on anyone. I am trying everyday and trying to keep depression and anxioty from putting me down. I am writing this so I can keep my strength with everyone in this forum and to express my love to a wife that never gave up on me and saved my life even when it felt that she almost lost hers. Thank you Lonely1
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guitarist63
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Posted: Fri May 20th, 2011 09:31 pm |
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Lost 2009,
Thanks for your Introduction which is honest and shows that you are committed to making a change that cuts out pornography from your life as well as committed to the restoring of your marriage and family. How are you getting on since you wrote your message?
Like you, I was exposed to porn as a boy (I was 11 or 12). In my case it was by surprise on a beach, shown by a man who opened the middle of his Beano to reveal a pornographic photo book. That changed my perception of adults instantly. I led a sheltered life (completely gullible and unsuspecting) and it was completely out of my experience. This man wanted to rape me as well but somehow I managed to get away. I am trying to say that there are others who have suffered similarly and, like you, are making an effort to change.
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Lost2009
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Posted: Sat May 21st, 2011 02:41 am |
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guitarist63
I understand what you are going through. The abuse I went through was the focal point of my addiction. I am still in recovery and sobriety, getting close to two years. It has been very difficult. I learned alot the hard way you would say in my own doing. My own pride, guilt and selfish ways at time caused me to make the wrong choices. I am still working very hard on release my guilt and letting it go for good. I would say the road has been very difficult for my wife and kids. They have seen some ugly sides of me even at time through my recovery. I am still trying and putting my faith and strength in God. I feel I learn so much every day and I can say from the day I started my recovery I am a different person on how I live and as a whole person. I changed my life the way I want to live it not the way my addict needed to survive. I am grateful for what I have and who I am. I am specially grateful to God to have my wife and kids still with me and still holding me up when fall on my butt. I would say they are my hereos and I am grateful each day I can have them with me.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sat May 21st, 2011 11:54 am |
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Lost2009, I'm very encouraged to read about the transformation and that you have been two years free of that life. I pray that God will continue to heal you and your family. As far as my own life is concerned, I have had lapses since 2006 but it has not been long before God intervened and helped me to get back on my feet again. I'm free of pornography but struggle daily with the physical aspect of stopping the "m" habit and also eradicating the memories of pornography which is a continuing challenge. Psalm 51 has often helped me to confess to God and to make a fresh beginning. Somebody in my church knows about my struggle and we have talked about it but lately this has not been maintained. I'll speak to him about it this Sunday, if I can get hold of him.
I've re-written my introduction (first posted in February 2007) which had been changed Wednesday November 28 2007. Page 3 of this Introduction, third entry from the bottom.
Last edited on Sat May 21st, 2011 12:27 pm by guitarist63
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Lost2009
Member
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Posted: Wed May 25th, 2011 08:58 pm |
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| I understand what you mean about M it is difficult compulsive behavior . I would that was one of best moments in my recovery to be free from it. I would tell its just your mind and body used to that behavior. It is hard I found when having the urge do something positive, it can be done i lived two years so far and I dont miss it. I has brought peace and a sense of self love to me. May God give you the strength to keep going foward.
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