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Crocheter
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 03:36 pm |
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Where do I begin?
I have been married for 17yrs to a sex/porn addict. He had issues before we were married but I thought that that was due to the fact that he was not a Christian. He became a Christian or so I thought before we married and I watched him throw all of his magazines and videos away, he also stopped drinking. I also saw a difference in the way he acted. So I married him.
Shortly after our first child was born, we moved to be closer to his family, who were not Christians. He started hanging out with his old friends etc and I watched our marriage start to deteriorate. Internet became available and easily accessible. I confronted him several times over the years and he said he could take it or leave it. 2 more kids later and he was still sneaking peeks at the porn infact he bought a laptop and had it password protected so I could not check up on him. I talked to him and our pastor told him we needed counceling and he refused to go saying he did not have a problem.
I in the meantime am pregnant with #4 and I was a very large woman and not comfortable with myself. I did not like the fact that he looked at porn and then crawled into bed with me and wanted to be intimate. Who was he thinking of? Me or the person on the internet site. I finally got fed up with him and told him it is either me or the porn not both. Well you can guess he chose the porn. I thought maybe if I did something about my weight that that would change things. I had gastric bypass surgery 15 months ago and have lost 140 pounds. I feel great about myself. Our marriage didn't change. He stopped going to church and made up excuses etc not to go. I came home on afternoon and found that his computer had not shut down properly so I took advantage and checked his history and found a couple of questionable sites. A couple weeks later I got an anonymous phone call back in April of this year from a concerned parent of one of my husbands students saying she was out with some friends and saw my husband in a bar in another town with another woman. He was slapping her on the butt, kissing her etc. She thought I should know this. I immediately called my pastor and we along with an elder confronted him. You can imagine his reaction. He was very angry that I did this. I have found that this his physical affairs have been going on for about 4 years. Weight was not the issue his girlfriend is 100 pounds more than me. He belongs to a Swing club with this person and there are pictures of them together on the internet, the sites I found on his history. I threw him out thinking maybe he would wake up but instead of going to his parents he went and moved in with her. I was hoping for reconciliation but I highly doubt that that will ever happen. I filed for divorce in order to get physical custody of our kids. The divorce should be final next month, I have the church's blessing.
I feel just awful. How could I have been so blind. Was I wrong in doing what I did. His mom says it is all my fault for neglecting him and that I told him to go elsewhere. She also said that porn is just something that men do and we women have to put up with it.
Barb
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 05:39 pm |
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Hi Barb,
My heart goes out to you and your children.
No, you have not done the wrong thing--he did. You gave him several opportunities to get help, and he rejected them.
Remember, as you said, his family, i.e. his mom, is not a believer, so would not be expected to have a believer's perspective on adultery, and of course, the last thing she wants to do is blame HER son.
If you have not already done so, please make sure you get tested for any STD's he may have brought home.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 07:02 pm |
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No, it's not your fault. You did right by taking the path you are taking now.
If his behavior were your fault, then why was he doing those things before you met and married? For him as for me, the addiction preceded the marriage. You, like my wife, are a victim of the addiction, not its cause.
What exactly is it that we men all do and that you need to accept? Hurting our wives with porn? Choosing porn over our families? Hiding ourselves from those with whom we have become one flesh? Having affairs? Yes, far too many men do all these things. I've done some of them. But that doesn't make them right or tolerable or acceptable. Thinking this behavior is OK is delusional.
Now, all that said, I don't want to be too hard on your MIL. She's protecting her son. She probably mostly knows his side of the story. She may be defending her own decisions to stay with an unfaithful spouse. It may be a very sore point. But that doesn't make her right.
May you find the serenity you deserve. Be at peace with your own actions.
Tim M.
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Crocheter
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 09:38 pm |
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I don't think his Mom knows the whole story. I don't think she is aware of the pictures, which have since been deleted, from at least the 2 sites I am aware of but I have them on disc at my lawyers. I also don't think she is aware that he belongs to a Swing Club.
I already have been tested for all the STD's and AIDS. Everything came back clean thankfully.
Our 15yr old son has been exposed to his addiction and is very angry with his Dad. He does not have to go on visitation weekend unless he chooses too. The judge has also ordered absolutely no computer access during the visitations. It is hard on me knowing his floozy is taking care of my little girls 7 and 5, and my 12yr old son on these weekends. My 7yr old is aware of what is going on as she learned about the 10 commandments at Pioneer Clubs last year. The 12 and 15 yr old as well, They know about the pictures but have not seen them. I had to tell them why I threw their Dad out of the house and she kept asking questions. I told her he hurt me. She asked did he hit you? I said no, he really hurt my feelings. What did he do? I finally said he broke one of the 10 commandments and so she started listing them. Did he kill someone? No. Until she came down to did he commit adultery? I said yes, She said you mean he slept with someone that wasn't you Mom? I said yes.
I have told all 4 kids that what their dad has decided to do is not right in God's eye or mine. Choosing to live with someone whom he is not married too is wrong. Living with someone else when you are still married is also wrong.
I came into our relationship a "virgin", he was not. I feel like I was just a fresh piece of meat that he felt he could train me to do what he wanted me to. I did not feel comfortable doing some things he asked and he should have respected me for that. I was molested when I was 6 or 7 by a male babysitter but I never told anyone. It only happened one time and then we moved. I went to counceling a few years ago for this and only recently told my parents about it. I think I am over it.
I am thankful that the verbal abuse has ended. I think he was edgy because he was hiding his affair and now that he was found out he is relieved.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 10:19 pm |
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Dear Barb,
Please be secure in the knowledge that you absolutely did the right thing. I am concerned about you and the kids going forward. Your healing has just begun. There is a school of thought that says we married addicts because we were raised to be "co-dependents." My s-anon sisters tell me that even if we leave our marriages, chances are good that we'll fall for the same type of man because he will "feel like a comfy old shoe." Maybe you should seek a Christian counselor who can help you identify and resolve your "co-dependent" traits before you become involved in another relationship.....to guard against repeating the same mistakes. I've also found wonderful support at my local s-anon group.
I would also ask you to consider getting the kids into some counseling. They undoubtedly got some bad messages, consciously or unconsciously from their Dad. I'm sure this is a difficult time for all. I will be praying for you and all of those who have been impacted by sex addiction.
May the healing and supportive hand of our Lord be upon you and your children.
My best, Devastated Wife
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My best, Devastated Wife
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TM2
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Posted: Thu Nov 19th, 2009 11:27 pm |
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Crocheter,
(Good name. I have an interest in weaving, but have never crocheted.) I want to second Devastated Wife's suggestion about counseling for the kids if they are open to the idea. Growing up with an addict as a parent is hard. Verbal abuse and rage, even it it is very rare, can have huge effects on the kids. What matters, my son's counselor says, is not the intensity but the unpredictability of the anger. A parent who explodes for no reason every 3 years still has a big effect on kids.
I know some of this because I was far to often angry and distant and verbally abusive as a parent. I regret that deeply, but I have to own my abuse as part of my history. That behavior is still something my wife and kids are recovering from, and I think it has been a big part of the struggles of some of my kids with perfectionism and anxiety and the need to control their surroundings.
My own kids don't all see connections between the tensions in their lives and Dad's addiction, and I haven't pushed them into psychological exploration they aren't yet ready to undertake. For those who are open to that exploration, though, it's awfully useful to learn new ways to live now instead of recreating addictive family dynamics in their own families. Far too often addiction gets passed down through the generations, maybe partly biologically, but also partly by family patterns that persist in later life.
Just a thought, of course. Do keep up the great work it sounds like you're doing now.
Tim M.
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