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waiting
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Posted: Thu Jan 7th, 2010 09:36 pm |
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Hi,
I am new to this group. I will give you a little back ground, I have been married for almost 9 years to a man who has had a pornography addiction since before we were even married. I first found out about it a few weeks before our wedding. So confused and blindly in love I believed him when he said it was something that would go away once he could have sex with his wife. We have lived a roller coaster ever since. Well, lets call it the never ending cycle. I horribly draining and painful cycle with.... me finding out he has once again looked at pornography .... me getting mad, hurt and bitter.... Not knowing what to do, (me being a christian wife).... I sought help multiple times from our church and everyone just said I need to have more sex with him.... Yeah, that was horribly wrong. So I try and forget until it happens again. this had continued for almost 9 years and I am SO TIRED It has only gotten worse over the years and I feel like an enabler since I have allowed it and have lived with it. He says every time he wants help but doesn't seek it out or stop. I have scheduled interventions with pastors. I have read book after book to try and help me and him. I have even bought him books that he has never read. I have asked him to go to counseling, giving ultimatums if he didn't. But never following through. I recently found out he has been getting worse and finding google searches of my sisters. I am so hurt and confused. We have three children together and want to leave and feel so done with this marriage. After telling him I was leaving, which I plan on doing, he said he will go to counseling he really wants to try and doesnt want to lose me. This only makes me more angry. Why has it taken him this long to desire help or is he lying again just to keep me. I don't know but I do know that I have given this marriage 110% and am tired. Do I have a biblical right to leave. I really see no hope for our marriage. I feel drained and tired of trying.
hopeless
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TM2
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| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
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Posted: Thu Jan 7th, 2010 11:26 pm |
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Welcome! It's a pity you need to be here. Your story is sad and all too common.
I'm hardly the person to go to for advice on Evangelical theology, and as an addict rather than a partner, I haven't been in your situation. That said, my own opinion and an opinion I've heard here before is that of course you have a right to end the marriage. Visual adultery is adultery, a fact upon which Christ is very clear, and adultery is grounds for divorce. You can absolutely walk away. If he is getting worse and not better, then while of course it's your decision, this would seem like an entirely reasonable choice.
Of course, it's to be hoped that he may hit bottom and find real recovery for himself, whether or not you remain married. That could happen; people find recovery from all sorts of addictions every day. People also relapse and choose to stay in addiction and denial every day. If the time has come to walk away for your own sanity and serenity, though, it is absolutely clear to me that you can do that with a clear conscience.
Tim M.
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waiting
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Posted: Thu Jan 7th, 2010 11:38 pm |
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Thank you, Tim!!
I appreciate the response. I too hope he hits rock bottom, for His own sake. I am just saddend our marriage is lost because of this addiction. Thank you .
waiting
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Jan 8th, 2010 12:16 am |
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Hi Waiting,
Considering the history, I think that I would definitely separate while waiting to see if he will get serious this time, if it is at all feasible. I am guessing that it would take separation to make him believe that you are serious, after the previous empty ultimatums.
Jesus equated lust with adultery. While I do not think that it is reasonable to go running for divorce court at the first sign of lust, an unrepentent patern such as you have lived with is a very serious matter. Keep in mind that repentence is turning and going in the opposite direction, not merely being sorry about being caught.
Sexual addiction was not caused by being single, but by emotional voids or trauma from earlier in his life. I am sad that those who have pathetically attempted to advise you do not comprehend that no amount of sex can fix the addictive personality. If you had told them that your husband struggled with alcoholism or drugs, they would never have tried to tell you that sex would solve the problem, but would have recommended addiction counselling and AA/NA.
I hope and pray that your husband will truly repent, and that God gives you the strength and fortitude to require him to keep his marital vow of fidelity.
TruthSeeker
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waiting
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Posted: Fri Jan 8th, 2010 12:28 am |
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Truthseeker,
I agree on everything you have said. While living with this, for so long something in side me had always thought it would just get better but after seeing the pattern to many times I guess I just realized it was really bad and he wasn't going to change. I feel as if my eyes have been opened and I have freedom of choosing not to hurt or enable his behaviors any more. Thank you for your advice. It helps get others perspective! So thanks!!!
Waiting
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