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InHim
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| Joined: | Mon Aug 30th, 2010 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 1st, 2010 09:03 am |
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Ok here I go. Clean and simple, because I could write a whole lot. I'm a 47 year old female. Married 18 years and living in my house is 3 older children and a 2 year old. At 8 I began looking at my dads Playboy and mb Even in grammar school my obsession with sex was noticed and I learned to hide it. At 13 drugs and alcohol. At 15 , trying to prove to myself I wasn't gay I slept with every Tom, Dick or Harry. I've always been attracted to women, but also men. I seen women as comforting and warm. Men were cold and unemotional. Any sign of tenderness in a man and I was long gone. So guess what kind of guy I married? I met him in AA, where else. He was divorced and raising kids under 5. So for the next 15 years all my problems were because of him. I still mb'd alot, but was ashamed.
God works in mysterious ways. A year ago my husband made an about face and starting becoming caring, tender and concerned about me and our children. Yuk.Maybe because I began drinking and realized for the first time I could cheat on him.He was intuitive to imy thoughtsand pressed me on it. Those thoughts also scared me because I never thought I could think that way.But I also began to see guys differently and I did want niceness and compassion from a man. So the problem. I was getting what I wanted and I couldn't and can't stand him.The nicer he is the more repulsed I am except in the intimate part of our relationship.6 months ago, my husband introduced me to porno on the web. I have been battling it ever since. I thought my problems was mid-life crises, but after reading articles at this site, I believe, the problem is mb/ fantasy and same gender tendicies. My husband has no idea, and I am not up to telling him yet.. He battled pornography and has pretty much turned his back on it. When he does he confines in me and feels guity.
I am lonely and scared. I do prescription drugs, smoke and battle my weight. Plus the above mentioned. The funny thing is most people see me as the prudish Christian with it all together. We have a small church so no way can I talk with the women there. So God in His mercy, I believe, has led me here. But as I read earlier I don't have the love of God in me. Nor do I know Him. My SA problems in the last few months have escalated and it scares me, but also thrills me because each new thought brings thoughts of a new adventure. And I love adventure. Help and pray for me. I am at a lost. Its 1:00am and its the only time I can privatly get on the computer.I signed in with SLAA but the meeting times don't work, because their meetings run during the day and the computer is in a main room so anyone can walk by.And when I do find some time to get on guess what else is on the computer. And I find myself taking more and more chances with what I am pulling up, while they are in the other room.
My string of hope is "He who begins a good work will finish it." and " He is the author and finisher of our faith". But it scares me that I don't know Him. I want Him then I run off to fantasy land.
Any I can relate with you helps so much, along with prayer and encouregement.Thank you all for your shares, it gives a small piece of comfort when you know your not alone. God Bless
P.S. I received a D in high school English. Now through home schooling I have an 7th grade English skill, so if my writings off, you will know why.
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truthseeker
Administrator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 1320 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 1st, 2010 12:51 pm |
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Hi InHim,
Welcome to BG. I am not aware of any active ladies in recovery here at the moment, but prayer you certainly have.
You might find
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com
http://www.celebraterecovery.com
helpful. If there is a Celebrate recovery group in your area, you could start by saying that you are going to a Bible study, which it is.
You might also do a search for "Exodus International," which might have some helpful resources.
It doesn't deal with the heart issues, but have you considered having your husband put filtering software on the computer?
Praying...
TruthSeeker
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TM2
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| Joined: | Thu Jan 8th, 2009 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
| Posts: | 469 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 1st, 2010 04:05 pm |
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Welcome! The details of my addictive behavior differ somewhat from yours, but addiction is addiction.
Even if you can only be at the SLAA channel at night, it's worth seeing who else may be there. You can always share your own story, and there may well be others there to chat with. The fact that the participants at slaaonline are about half women might (or might not) also be a plus.
What are the possibilities for face-to-face meetings and counseling where you are? There's almost certain to be NA in your community even if there isn't SLAA or SAA or SA. The issues that drive us to use drugs and the issues that drive us to use sex are not so different, so working recovry in one program with a sensitive sponsor can pay off in another program, too.
Just random thoughts, of course.
Tim M.
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InHim
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| Joined: | Mon Aug 30th, 2010 |
| Location: | California USA |
| Posts: | 10 |
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Posted: Fri Sep 3rd, 2010 08:04 am |
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| Thank you, I checked out Setting Captives Free and I will be trying it.
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 320 |
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Posted: Tue Sep 28th, 2010 05:41 am |
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hi there,
boy, i can most def relate to some of your issues. i must admit, if not for having met my husband when i was still really young, i would have probably battled that road of alcoholism and drug use. what drugs i did try in attempts to numb pain as a kid, i really liked and i always enjoyed "girlie drinks". thankfully my hubby would have none of that. his strong desire to not have things like that in our life kept me from dabbling in it. i did smoke for a time though, but praise God i was able to kick that habit. anyway, it is late and i popped on here for just a sec. may the Lord continue molding you into His likeness. you will be in my prayers!
sam
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