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Freedom
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 11:29 am |
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God help me.
My sexual addiction started before I was even 8 years old. It started with neglect from my parents. They were never bad parents, never hit me, and almost never scolded me. With to loose boundaries and not enough attention (emotional neglect and abuse) I don’t have memories of being with them growing up. I also don’t have memories of standing up for myself and thus have a very passive attitude, allowing me to coast through life avoiding conflict. Also I was the only African-American in my class, growing up my whole life I was alone in that sense with no one to identify with. I love video games and computer games, I still worked hard back than, I still believed in myself and my dreams.
My sexual experiences at this point in life was a peep-show game almost played with the girls at my elementary school, "you show me yours and i will show you mine!" kind of thing. More curiosity. And then later I would play truth or dare with my brother, sister and cousins. We would end up all naked in the dark daring each other to dance around the room. It was completely innocent at the time and understandable. Unfortunately the internet would later corrupt these memories of being naked with my brother and sister and make be believe they were sexual, I would then find in them the seed of sin of incest. But that comes later...
Once I got a computer I was playing video games on the internet I happened into a chat room where a 16 year old girl told me all about cybersex (I was 12 at the time). I thought she was crazy at the time, but when I learned how to masturbate (also through an internet site) I quickly jumped from porn to porn-stories to chat rooms and cybersex. At first it was my new hobby, new and exciting.
Eventually my friend found out I masturbated and we did the act together, sharing porn. I was already exposed to homosexuality through porn related stories and at a young age of 14 to 15 wanted to experience love from anyone, but all I had was sex.
Sex like I had seen shown to me through pornography. Instead me learning what healthy sex was, everything I learned was from porn. Which was to objectify everything, and I mean everything, into sexual objects for self-instant-gratification, and this was my new god, this was my new life, this was how I was to express love.
So I experimented with my friend, we committed acts of the sin homosexuality. It was very humiliating and I soon found myself trapped in self hate and a constant drive to end it, yet I lacked the personal strength ALREADY to say no. No one taught me how to say no and now my friend was turning me into a sex object. In the back of my mind this abuse was actually feeding my addiction, part of the nature of my addiction was to destroy myself, the need to feel shame, shame which would be relived through more sexual exploits. And so the cycle would continue.
I would experiment even further in some of the most horrible ways, in order to keep reaching the highs I was now getting from each sexual experience. First I become lured to looking at pictures of little girls. At the time i was understand though i thought it would be alright, but the images would stay with me and i would relive the days in elementary school playing "peep show" and I began to get sexually excited at the thought of sex with children. I could not explain my behavior i knew it was wrong but there was no discipline, nothing to help me stop, I had abandon god and soon even that wasn’t enough i needed more exciting porn, that’s when i found bestiality' and experimented on our family dogs. The extent of this experimentation is limited but the fact that I even considered such a thing is maddening. From there it gets worse as I then remember the nights of truth or dare, the crush i had on my cousin and considered incest, and got as far as considering raping my own sister. I would walk up to the door of her room and then turn out in terror. I was addicted to that feeling, I kept need more and more excitement to get my orgasm, I had lost control. One time I molested my sister indirectly by poking her developing breast. She wanted help on her homework and I said “only if I can poke you some more” she said no and left. To this day the guilt I feel is unimaginable. But I have to forgive myself for everything until the day comes I have the strength to apologize, because that guilt will lead me only to shame and then more sin as an escape of that shame.
Eventually threw God I found the courage to say no, and I have been able so say no to the worst sins of my addiction, the incest, the bestiality and pedophilia, they all are the same devil. They all are rooted in my need for real love, for God in my life. But I didnt know that then and I simply replaced him and everything with more cybersex and porn (the average kind). I was able to find occasional breaks when I was very busy trying to put up a show of being normal and healthy but anytime I became sexually aroused and with free time I would go on cybersex binges, over the summer this could last for 2-3 days without even my parents knowing! I would just lock myself away in my room and hide my true feelings pretending everything was fine.
I hit the bottom of the barrel many times, thinking of suicide after every time I hurt someone, every time I let someone down. Every time I let myself down. I never had best friends since this started. I was never able to say no to them, never able to feel good enough about myself to let anyone get close and never confident enough to let other know how I really felt. I feel weak, in every way imaginable.
Worse yet I am now failing in college because of this, I risk dropping out and disappointed everyone in my family and my friends. This would drive me to suicide, this would make me want cybersex even more. And the cycle would continue.
Recently I got a girlfriend, thinking that now, finally after real sex I would be cured, my hunger satisfied and I could go to a normal balanced life. I was wrong. I could not let her close to me, I could not trust her because I could not trust myself, she saw this mistrust and in turn reflected it on herself, damaging herself, and made it even harder on me to coupe. On top of that college had gotten harder and required more attention, the stress had caused me to resort to instant-self-gratification through sex, only instead of porn I used her. Soon the only thing I cared about having a relationship for was sex.
I wanted to have sex like I had seen the porn, in the stories, in the chat rooms. I wanted to objectify her and use her for my own self-gratification. Our relationship crumbled and because I still have moral and values, because I am human with a soul! I crumbled too into self-loathing and guilt for what I had become.
This was actually just a few days ago, and even though right now I am about to get back some of the worst grades in my academic history and am close to being dropped out of college. Even though I have hurt my friend and family every day by neglecting them for my own sexual drive, even though I have commited horrible transgressions against God and his love. Even though all those things would normally lead me into a depression right now and then back to sex for comfort. I wont do it.
I wont’ objectify women.
I won’t look/read/chat with any porn
I won’t masturbate.
I wont’ have objectifying sex.
(I will have sex with someone I love as an act of love, not need for self-gratification)
I will post on this site to describe my difficulties and triumphs and I will use your feedback as strength!
I will encourage others who fight with me to stay strong
I will pray to God
I will change.
You will too, we all will
I have faith. And we will have our freedom
I am currently attending online SSA meetings and reading everything I can about sexual addiction. I also have a friend I rely on and am now participating in this forum and will look to prayer.
Thank you for your time!
If anyone has any similar experiences please share, it would help me out, a lot. Last edited on Mon Mar 19th, 2007 11:50 am by Freedom
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jake
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 01:12 pm |
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Hi freedom,
I live in Australia and as there are not a lot of resources here i would like to ask you the address of the online SAA meeting that you talked about in your post.
hope you succeed in your quest. hope we all succeed in all our quests.
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gaylon
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 11:05 pm |
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Lots of good info on the main Blazing Grace site. It seems like the next thing that would help you most would be to find competent Christian counseling - a man who has had a strong track record of success counseling people with sexual compulsions. There are things that I seriously doubt you'll ever learn to do, as far as behavior-modification, without it. At least, that was my experience. And, find someone you trust and respect to have for an accountability partner -- someone you can call when you feel the draw. I also recommend Mike Genung's book, at http://www.roadtograce.com/
I guess we should start a forum or thread just for "resources for new people" ...
Lots more that can be said, but, just to let you know I'm praying for you, which is the best support I know to offer...
--- Gaylon V.
Last edited on Wed Mar 21st, 2007 02:17 am by gaylon
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P2J
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 04:25 am |
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Hi Gaylon,
Having a wee bit of trouble with the link to Mike Genung's book. I can get to the home page of the church but couldn't find the book. Is it an ebook?
Regards
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 04:35 am |
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I believe that link should be
http://www.roadtograce.com
TruthSeeker
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P2J
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 07:18 am |
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| Thanks truthseeker
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Freedom
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 10:14 pm |
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Thank you guys, I will look into ordering the book ASAP. I've been reading as much material as I can get my hands on and its been a great tool in understanding whats going on. I feel more confident today then ever before thanks for listening.
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