| Author | Post |
|---|
decide2love
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 70 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |    |
|
Posted: Mon Aug 20th, 2007 06:16 pm |
|
We had an incident last weekend where my son was building a dog house for his dog. My H went outside and started to tell my son how to do it. My son told him that he didn't want his help and my H blew a fuse. Well my H took it as smarting off at him and told him that he wasn't allowed to experiment and that he had to do it the right way or not at all. My son asked him why he couldn't ever learn on his own and my H told him because his own way was always wrong. Anyway it all blew up into ahuge argument.
So my H secretly takes my sons bb gun and bb pistol and busts them up - he even bent the barrel to the bb gun. Then he takes my sons leatherman away and hides it. He tells me nothing about this. I found them in the trunk of his car all broken and bent. My son asks me what happened to them and I had to tell him that I didn't see my H do anything with them - which was true - I didn't see. So I ask my H about it last night and he said that he got rid of them. (He would not say anything about smashing them and I didn't let him know that I knew what he did.) I asked him why he got rid of them, and he said that my son didn't want to learn from him anymore so he was taking away the things he had bought for him as a reward for his wanting to learn when we first got married. He then told me that he was not going to allow my son to use any of his tools. My H was teaching him to weld, to do masonry, and to do carpentry. I asked him if he had prayed about all of this and he said no. I asked him if he would pray about all of it and he said maybe. Then we're driving around a few days later and I put in one of my favorite songs in the cd player, "I can Only Imagine", I crank it up and the kids and I are singing. My son is nasally when he sings but I'm so proud of him and love to hear it anyway. My H hears him and turns down the music and only when my son stops singing does he turn it back up again. It's the little foxes that destroy the vine.
All of this happened just a few weeks after I found evidence of porn in my husbands car, I confronted him and I set boundaries - like he's not to treat me like a prostitute anymore (see my other strings). My H has become more and more beligerant toward my son (he's 15). My question is this... Will the SA lash out at other family members instead of lashing out at their spouse? Before we got married and shortly thereafter, my H was very attentive to my son. They went fishing, rock climbing... guy stuff. But gradually, since I caught him M'ing six months after we got married, he has become more and more of a tyrant toward my son, and it seemed to get twice as bad after I set the boundaries.
O, he used to accuse my son of M'ing in the shower until I caught him doing it in the bed next to me... then he stopped accusing him.
I asked my son if he'd rather go live with his dad and he said that he'd be getting it just as bad there, so his answer was an emphatic no.
So you won't have to look, my H is not seeking recovery through a group nor accountability with anyone.  Yes, he says he's a Christian, but does not attend church regularly.
Last edited on Fri Aug 8th, 2008 03:42 pm by decide2love
|
Tears4Us
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Aug 20th, 2007 07:06 pm |
|
| I do not want to sound harsh, but I do not care what your son did, it does not justify him being grabbed by the throat nor does it justify having his personal belongings distroyed, it dose not matter who gave him the gift, because once the gift was given it became the his stuff . Sounds like your DH has a real problem with anger and that could be some of the underlying causes of his addiction. I would suggest telling DH to keep his hands off your children and that he has to replace the items he broke and tell the son what he did with the others. If you did not tell your son when he asked the truth you are just covering up for in a round about way your husbands foolish behavior. I am worried for your son. He may have been able to put your DH down but he is still a boy of only 15. Things like this only serve to get worse. I would suggest getting your son into some consulting for the hate he has against his step father. I am praying for you guys. I know it is hard and I hope I did not sound rude....God Bless
|
TimM
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
| Posts: | 263 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Aug 20th, 2007 08:37 pm |
|
Will addicts lash out at others? Yes. For me, that was a standard part of my behavior as an active addict. I think there were several things behind this. I was angry at myself, and I displaced that to anger at my wife and kids. I could not control myself, and so I tried to control them. For me, there was also a piece of the behavior that was much more closely tied to my addiction. If I could produce an argument, then it left me feeling unloved and unappreciated, wronged by my family, and entitled to go find comfort somewhere else in my addictive acting out. So for me, rage was an entrance point into the addictive ritual.
All that's a very quick summary, but that's how the pathology worked in my life.
This kind of behavior is incredibly destructive of the lives of families. The worst thing is not the level of violence, but its unpredictability. Families work to keep Dad from getting upset, but since the anger is unpredictable and the addict can't control his own behavior, there isn't any way for the family to do so either. This leads to all sorts of problems from depression to anxiety to perfectionism to another generation of addiction in the families of addicts. As somebody who has subjected my own kids to some of these problems, I'd urge you to take this issue absolutely seriously.
And of course I agree with Tears4Us that physical violence is never OK.
That's a very quick reply on a busy day. I'd be happy to try to say anything more that I can if you want more of the perspective of a guy who has been on the wrong end of this issue and who is incredibly grateful to be building a new life.
Tim M.
|
decide2love
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 70 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Aug 21st, 2007 05:13 pm |
|
TimM wrote: Will addicts lash out at others? Yes. For me, that was a standard part of my behavior as an active addict. I think there were several things behind this. I was angry at myself, and I displaced that to anger at my wife and kids. I could not control myself, and so I tried to control them. For me, there was also a piece of the behavior that was much more closely tied to my addiction. If I could produce an argument, then it left me feeling unloved and unappreciated, wronged by my family, and entitled to go find comfort somewhere else in my addictive acting out. So for me, rage was an entrance point into the addictive ritual.
I'd be happy to try to say anything more that I can if you want more of the perspective of a guy who has been on the wrong end of this issue and who is incredibly grateful to be building a new life.
Tim M.
The longer I think about it the more I think that this 'control' issue is a behavior of my H. How do I address it and not seem as if I'm lashing back at him?
I've made arrangements for my son to stay with friends for a few weeks. They're gonna take him to his football and school, I'll see him on the weekends. This is tough, but I know it has to be done.
I asked my H if we could talk last night and he looked at me and said, "I haven't made much time for that lately have I. Yes, I'll make some time tonight." Well When it came time to talk... he turned on his game and played until it was time to go to bed. When the lights were out he said, "Did you want to talk to me about something?" I said, "Yes, I did." And he went to sleep.
So, this morning I asked him, just before he got into the car to leave for work, if he thought tonight he would think I was more important than his game and he would talk with me. He said, "I guess so."
I'm tired. 
I'm going to contact my pastor today and see if he will counsel us. We need help together. That way I can present my H an avenue of help and not go to him empty handed.
|
Tears4Us
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Aug 21st, 2007 05:30 pm |
|
| I think that is a very wise choice and a start in the right direction. I am praying for you guys.....
|
decide2love
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 70 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Aug 22nd, 2007 01:28 pm |
|
Well, we talked last night. My H agreed that my son should spend a few weeks away. He still doesn't see where he was wrong, but he agrees that his 'love' is not the 1st Cor 13 Love and he needs work. He said that was the way he was raised... to have the disrespect knocked out of him, and he said that he didn't turn out half bad. He said that when God corrects He smashes him and just leaves him lying there in the dust. I told him that when God corrects it is with His rod not with his hands and that He uses His hands for healing and Love and guiding. That when I go to Him in Pride or Disrespect because I'm hurting that, yes, He will break me, but I'm still in His hands and He never leaves me and when He breaks the pot, He always makes it again another. Father doesn't just leave me laying there all broken without fixing what He has broken, and that He does it in His Love and Mercy... not His uncontrolled rage, and certainly not with His fist. My H became quiet. I told him that Christ didn't die on the cross just to smear it in my face and say "Been there, done that, now get over it." But He died so He could say, "I understand. I've been there. Now let's talk about this in your pain and come to an agreement. I will cry with you, and laugh with you when all is said and done. Let's walk into your healing and restoration together."
I contacted our pastor yesterday and he agreed to counsel me until we reached the point where he needed to refer me to someone else. He's not a licensed counselor and cannot go where a license is needed. I told him that it would be a start. So I will call him again this morning to set an appointment for this week. I gave him a quick outline of what had happened and told him that if my H wasn't willing to go to counseling that at least I needed help and needed to know other avenues of help and he said that he would.
On the way home from work yesterday my H called me and actually said that he wanted to go to services on Wed. He stopped off at one of the deacons houses and asked him about it and discussed the church more in depth. Unfortunatley they do not have services for the adults on Wed... only cell groups, and services the are for the teens/youth. But he said that he'd definitely make it this Sunday morning and that he regreted not going last Sunday. He said that maybe there'd be a home cell group that we were interested in and could go to during the week, and that we'd ask on Sunday. Hmmm.....
It's all a start, and starting is good.
Thank you all for your prayers and exhortation. Please don't stop. Encouragement is nice but I need correction when correction is due as well. How else will I learn if not corrected by the Word and the experience of your testimonies?
|
truthseeker
Administrator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 1320 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Aug 22nd, 2007 02:38 pm |
|
Praise God for this progress!
TruthSeeker
|
forthelord47
Member
| Joined: | Sat Apr 7th, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 43 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Aug 23rd, 2007 04:35 pm |
|
I will be praying that the Lord softens your husbands heart and that your family continues to heal. I have a few significant anger outbusts since last October, and am sad to say that I really frightened my daughter. The Lord, with assistance from my wife and counselor, have really helped me to take responibility to express my feelings in ways that are not abusive. Those of us in recovery can feel such deep shame but we cannot take it out on others.
God bless,
Marc
|
decide2love
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 70 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Aug 23rd, 2007 08:29 pm |
|
Thank you for your prayers Marc, I appreciate them, and your honesty moves me.
I will keep you and yours in my prayers as well.
|
decide2love
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 70 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Oct 14th, 2007 02:16 pm |
|
I just wanted to share an update.
My son has moved back home after a months stay away. He and my H are resolved to totally ignore one another. My H thinks my son should do pentance and ask for forgiveness for his actions and my son thinks my H should just leave him alone.
My H has told me that he neither wants to be my son's step-father nor his friend. He will not take any part in parenting neither of my children, and ignores them. If my son cooks dinner, my H won't eat it. He only eats what me or my daughter cooks. My son is a good cook too!
He justifies his actions by saying that my son doesn't want to learn anything my Hs way so my H has lost all interest in trying to teach my son anything. My daughter sees the way her brother is being treated and she is resolved to ignore my H as well. My H has seen my daughters reaction to this whole thing and he has chosen to include her in his decision not to father my son. My daughter was disowned by her biological father (he actually told her that he never wanted to see her again and that she was worthless as a daughter... she was 12) and now she feels as if she has been disowned by her step dad as well. Sadly, it is true... he just didn't say the words... he acted them out.
My H doesn't see where this is tearing me apart. He became angry and distant when I tried to explain how I felt about it and told me that it shouldn't bother me at all. We could all live under the same roof seperately. He was fine with the way things were, just as long as my kids didn't touch any of his stuff and stayed away from him (esentially go into hiding when he is home). He doesn't want to hear any news about their lives and doesn't want me to share amything about himself with them.
He put a lock on his tool shed and wouldn't give me a key. He said it was to ensure that my son stayed out of his stuff. It is SO WRONG, but I want to burn it down to the ground and tell him where he can stuff the ashes.
I went and opened a seperate bank account for the child support. My H was using the money for his extra spending money and my kids were having to do without what they needed. So now he can't get to it and it made him SO ANGRY! I reinstated their allowance and have bought them new shoes and some clothes this month, and I've taken them out to their favorite lunch place... Chinese.. They are beginning to feel like they are worth more than used clothing from the local thrift store. I should have done this at the beginning of the marriage, but I had no idea of his SA and I didn't think he would use the money for his many addictions, and shame on me, even after I found out about them... I let him use the money for them... turning a blind eye to it, and even buying his Playstation games for him. (I didn't buy any porn, but he is just as addicted to Playstation as he is to porn. After he plays for hours, he finishes off his euphoria created from the game by Ming and going to sleep.)
My H doesn't like the new boundaries concerning the child support and he tried to withhold his paycheck from me last week. I had to give an account of where his pay was being spent because I do the bills. I don't have a problem doing that, because I'm honest about his pay and I spend it on bills and groceries, and when he doesn't spend it all, I put a little in our savings account. I'm not mishandling his money - and he does consider it his - not ours. So after I gave and account of his money, and after I explained to him that I was through trying to patch things up between him and the kids, and after I proved to him I still loved him by having sex with him... then he gave me his check the next morning. It made me feel as if he had just paid for my services. EWWWWWWW! I don't know if that was his intent, but that is what I felt like.
How do I keep my head up in all of this? He thinks that once the kids get out of the house that his life will be bliss again. He doesn't care anymore what he has thrown away, nor that he is loosing a BIG part of me.
He is still trying to battle his SA on his own, and I'm watching a sinking ship go down right next to me and he will not receive a life line from anyone. The thing is... he is not on deck, he's in the cargo bay inside a cage with the door open (Christ has the key and has opened the door) and he will not come out of his cage and receive the hand of his Rescuer. My H has his back to Him with his eyes closed and prefers to stay in his fantasy world where the cruise ship is setting into port on some exotic island where the perfect group of women are awaiting his arrival to answer to his every whim on a sunny beach.
I'm scared for him, and I'm saddened for him, and I'm angry at him.
Anyway, I love you all... and thanks for listening. Thank God today is Sunday, I really need group worship!
|
truthseeker
Administrator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 1320 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Oct 15th, 2007 04:46 pm |
|
Hi decide2love,
I am so sorry to hear that your H is trying to split your loyalty between him and the kids. Frankly, I would consider it emotional abuse of all of you. You are right about him living in a fantasy world, one where all his problems are someone else's fault, and contentment flits elusively beyond the next "if only."
I applaud you for setting the boundaries that you have, and recognizing that you must do what is best for the children whose young hearts are so vulnerable.
I urge you to consider this likely cycle. In a few years, the kids finish school and move out. He is not going to spend a dime to help them with college, or anything else. He will still not be happy, (unless, still with no guarantees, you have no further contact with your children,) because he will continue to refuse to interact with them, go to their weddings, visit on holidays, acknowledge grand-children, etc. And guess what any time you go on your own gives him in his mind? Why your "abandonment" gives him justification, in his mind, to continue in his addiction. I'm sorry to be so negative, but he sounds like he is emotionally toxic to all of you, manipulative, immature, and irresponsible. I am generally among the last to discourage a decision to love, but it sounds like the love is one-sided, and I wonder if your faith can survive a lifetime of such behavior, barring an incredible miracle. If he forces it to be him or the kids, I vote for the kids.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
|
decide2love
Member
| Joined: | Mon Nov 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Alabama USA |
| Posts: | 70 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Oct 16th, 2007 09:28 pm |
|
I know the cycle, bar a miracle, and I have given it alot of thought and prayer - along with fasting. A huge part of me is dying because of all of this and I don't know if I even want it revived again. I'm struggling with letting it just die. Each day I begin to shake when it is time for him to come home from work and I just want to crawl into a hole and hide til he goes away, and he doesn't think I have a right to feel this way. I'm supposed to be content that I have the privledge to serve him as his wife and meet his every whim. I don't crawl into a hole. I put on my fake smile and act sweetly to the kids and try to show them and my H the Love of Christ through all of this BS.
I've stopped meeting his every whim because I just don't care anymore, I can't... it hurts too much. I dont disrespect him.. I just don't crave nor want his perverted attentions anymore.
I know he already feels abandoned and neglected by me, but I'm tired of trying to hold onto someone who keeps pushing me away. I am exhausted from the struggle of hoping that things will change and somehow work out to the Glory of God.
He doesn't really want to change... If he did he would find help and the way provided from our Lord, because Christ always makes a way of escape and restoration and healing. He loves us too much to leave us where we are when we reach out to Him for Him, and He loves us enough to leave us if we refuse Him and His ways.
You've heard of sexual anorexia? My H has Christ anorexia... he wants Him, he recognizes that he needs Him... but the sacrifice is just too much right now. (Those are painful words for me to type.)
I don't know anymore if I can stay for all of this. I don't know anymore if I want to stay for all of this.
|
truthseeker
Administrator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 1320 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 04:55 am |
|
I am praying for God's will and wisdom to be revealed to you. I'm praying that he will bring your husband to his knees, and break his heart with the Lord's perspective on his sin, and the agony he is causing you and your children. I pray for restoration if his heart is not hardened, and God's protection and provision for you and the kids if it is.
Hugs,
TruthSeeker
|
Current time is 11:26 am | |
|
|
|
RSS